(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got. We used to spend a long time editing these things. This year, you’re getting them raw… so enjoy the Canadian “flavour.”)
….. On December 28, Lemmy Kilmister, true Rock n’ Roll icon, founding member, leader, vocalist & bassist of Motorhead passed away at the age of 70. Well, he said he didn’t want to live forever.
….. Sadly, this took place just three weeks after Motorhead’s seminal drummer Phil “Filthy Animal” Taylor passed away from liver failure.
…… If I was iconic former Motorhead guitarist “Fast Eddie” Clarke, ….. I would be checking extra vigilantly when crossing the street for the rest of this month.
….. Lemmy had given his last interview to a German magazine on December 22 when he lamented the fact that in two days he would turn 70 and he was perplexed as to how this could be happening since he had consciously spent his entire life trying to prevent this event from ever occurring.
…… Lemmy wasn’t lying, he had a host of health problems over the last couple of years that could be attributed to the massive & varied overindulgence of many different substances. …… along with the exhausted state of being that results from the lifelong dogged pursuit of constant/multiple carnal pleasures.
……. Lemmy was a lifelong amphetamine user. The first time you heard the first Motorhead album and the song “Ace of Spades” this should have been abundantly clear. The man literally invented “Speed Metal.”
…. During the last few years he took measures to help his liver cope with it’s diminished state of effectiveness. He had toned down his non stop, all night drinking marathons of Jack Daniels and Coke by switching to non-stop, all night drinking marathons of orange juice and vodka.
……… He also explained that sex orgies with more than three women were now pointless.
…… Sadly, two days after turning 70 on December 26, Lemmy was diagnosed with incurable neck cancer and two days later he died on the 28th.
…… Prophet Lemmy was finally “Killed by Death.”
…… Lemmy may not have wanted to turn 70, but in the process he also survived long enough into December of this year to remind us of his patented Merry Christmas salute.
….. If you doubt that Lemmy was an International Icon, check out this defiant & humorous promotion for a Finnish Dairy. Lemmy filmed this mere weeks before his death and ad-libbed the last word.
[ European commercials are often much more ironic, subtle, counterculture, layered & memorable than the crass “In-Your-Face” Celebrity obsessed, repetitive and forgettable crap made here in North America. ]
…… Everybody associates Lemmy with Motorhead, but many forget that he earned his spurs in the seminal, and still running British Psychedelic Space Rock band known as “Hawkwind.”
…… These trippers came along off the astral tailings of the music, spirituality, futurism & experimentation of the 1960’s. Others in this English wave of space cadet pioneers of “Mission Music” included Pink Floyd, Nektar, Lucifer’s Friend, Vander Graff Generator, Camel, Greenslade, Druid, Gryphon, Gentle Giant, early UFO and about a 100 more and countless others that straddle the fences to varying degrees between progressive rock, acid rock, stoner rock and mescaline meditation music.
…… They represented a huge sub genre that has profoundly influenced so many in the New Wave of Progressive Rock that has steadily grown over the last 25 years.
…… Hawkwind was formed in 1969. Lemmy joined in 1971 after his original band “The Rockin’ Vicars” broke up.
{ Lemmy was the actual son of a vicar [ minister ] who was never amused by his son’s chosen profession & lifestyle. Lemmy was also a lifelong and devout atheist who often told young musicians to avoid religion at all costs and stick to music since it could never “Mess you up like that shit will.” }
…….. Lemmy at first played guitar, but realized once he was in Hawkwind that he sucked and switched to bass. His unique double stop style and chording changed the sound of the band forever, making them much heavier and more versatile.
……. Lemmy’s heavy drug use eventually started to upset the band. It wasn’t that it hurt his performance or that they themselves were abstainers, …… it was just that his defiant, public & indiscriminate use was constantly drawing unnecessary attention to all the other drug users in the band.
….. In 1975 while crossing the U.S./Canada border from Detroit into Windsor, Lemmy was busted with a large amount of white powder that he didn’t bother to even try to conceal.
….. When the guard mentioned to another uniform that “It looks like cocaine,” Lemmy piped up:
…… “Hey asshole, don’t you fucking know anything about your fucking job, …. It’s obviously speed!”
…… Lemmy ended up only doing a few days in jail and afterwards complimented the Canadian authorities on the fact that their facilities were infinitely cleaner than British or American ones and certainly more hygienic than his apartment.
…… However, after his release he was fired from Hawkwind. He immediately formed his new band. Motorhead was the last song he wrote in Hawkwind, but they had decided not to record it. As a result he recorded it and made it the name of the new band. He vowed to never commercialize his music, change his attitude or compromise his lifestyle.
…. He was adamant that “Motorhead” would embody this oath till the day he died. He was more or less true to his word.
…… Lemmy loved history and was a big collector of World War II paraphernalia, especially German clothing. He often proudly wore German uniforms & items while performing or just walking around. He was no Nazi though. Many times when people called him that he would punch them in the face.
…. Lemmy often said that he hated fascists like the Nazis, and that his family had lost many members during the war. However, he loved the German design sense and said it was fun to wear their regalia and that not all things German are Nazi and that if people didn’t know the difference that it was their problem, not his.
…. This is a seminal moment in Lemmy’s musical history. Lemmy did many of the vocals in Hawkwind and was handed the job on this song when the original writer went Syd Barrett strange and could not enunciate the words coherently in the recording studio.
…… “Silver Machine” was the biggest hit in the long career of Hawkwind and charted modestly all over the world except in North America. This was amazing since Hawkwind consciously tried to not be commercial or write hit songs.
…… so dust off your Dr. Who costume, put down your Carlos Castaneda primers, your Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books and groove to the acid flute, the radio tube synthesizers, the trippy oscillators and the dancing Wiccan Princess checking her watch for the departure time to Venus aboard the Mothership.
……. Although the sound & video are not totally synched & coordinated on this, the performance is live. From 1972, “Silver Machine” with Lemmy on vocals, …….. before cigarettes, booze and two hours sleep average a night turned his voice into a hybrid of Brian Johnson, Dan McCafferty & Tom Waits if they all gargled with broken glass each morning.
…. A cosmic whirlpool of Druid rhythms in swirling pagan acid. Induced chanting coming together with floating melodies to make a repetitive, often happy, mind expanding musical respite from the mundane everyday predictability of the contemporary pop music of any era.
….. The definitive Space Rock Anthem for all time. RIP Lemmy.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
4:20 pm Kansas City (-3) @ HOUSTON 40.5
….. We actually like the Texans here. The Chiefs have won 10 in a row so they are due for a letdown. The Chiefs’ offense doesn’t really score that much and sooner or later, you can’t depend on the defense to win you every game. They are also on the road, in a dome and have Alex Smith at quarterback against a fearsome Texans’ defense and pass rush.
….. The only big worry is that Houston starting QB Brian Hoyer has had multiple concussions this year and is one Justin Houston hit and/or sack away from leapfrogging the League mandated concussion protocol and entering the as yet not implemented, ……. induced coma protocol.
…… But T.J Yates is the backup and he has played better than Hoyer this year, so we’ll stick with the Texans.
Pick: TEXANS (+3)
Bob: Texans +3
8:15 pm Pittsburgh (-3) @ CINCINNATI 46
…… The Bengals had the second toughest schedule this year and still went 12-4. The team is pretty healthy and we will not abandon our anointed choice for Super Bowl Champion this year just because they have lost their starting quarterback. Andy Dalton ( who has never won a playoff game ) had the cast taken off the thumb on his throwing hand this week, but will not start. He has been replaced by A.J. McCarron with his Nick Saban infused cocky attitude.
….. He can be a nervous cat in the pocket, but the NFL sophmore has played well enough despite being a quarterback from Alabama. Last week his victory over Baltimore made him the first Crimson Tide signal caller to start and win an NFL game since the George H.W. Bush administration.
…. The Steelers are in trouble with no known running backs available to start. Although the team has played well in the last six weeks, they have had more than a few moments where they committed multiple bad turnovers. Their loss to the bare cupboard Baltimore Ravens was inexplicable and should have knocked them out of the playoffs.
….. They sort of backed in with the Jets’ loss in Buffalo and their victory in Cleveland. That 28-12 win over the hopeless Browns wasn’t as one sided as the score. QB Austin Davis constantly got Cleveland into the red zone, but either the Browns turned it over or the since fired Mike Pettine pathetically called for field goals.
…..This is Steelers-Bengals III this year between these hated rivals. They each have a win. We’ll take the points, the home team Bengals and the end of a streak of not winning in the playoffs since Sam Wyche was reinventing the no-huddle offense in the Queen City.
Pick: TEAM OF DESTINY BENGALS (+3 )
Bob: Bengals +3
Sunday, January 10, 2016
1:05 pm Seattle (-6.5) @ MINNESOTA 42.5
……. Freezer Bowl time again. It took 40 years and unforeseen circumstances of playing outside for two years while their new dome is being built for this to happen for the Vikings.
…… Yeah things are different. This isn’t the Met, Bud Grant isn’t coaching Minnesota here, so there will be heaters on the sideline to cope with the sub zero Fahrenheit temperatures. Also, QB Teddy Bridgewater is from Florida and played at Louisville { A typical southern transplant Bobby Petrino recruiting success }.
….. But Bridgewater & the Vikings have had two years to acclimatize to the cold and the Seahawks are better in the rain.
…… The Rams proved two weeks ago that the Seahawks many injuries underscore their lack of depth in a tough, hard hitting game. HC Mike Zimmer is a long time successful former Defensive Coordinator who relishes game planning against mobile quarterbacks.
…… We’ve liked the Vikings all year & the home team with almost a touchdown cushion is the play here.
Pick: VIKINGS (+6.5)
Bob: Seattle -6.5
4:40 pm Green Bay (-1) @ WASHINGTON 46.5
….. Seeing is believing and from what we’ve seen this year, we believe that Green Bay is inconsistent, unreliable and lacking in talent all over the roster. However they do have QB Aaron Rodgers and DE/LB Clay Matthews. Matthews is caught up in the Peyton Manning “Anti-Aging” Clinic ( alleged ) controversy as published by Al Jazeera.
….. We actually warned Matthews last year about HGH testing coming to the NFL in this very column.
…. He might have just ignored our warning because either/and/or:
1.) He knows how to beat the latest tests.
2.) He has never actually put any quasi-legal or illegal substance into his sculpted body during his entire athletic career so he has nothing to worry about.
3.) He is really good friends with Peyton Manning’s wife & felt that like Peyton Android, ……… a super complex second hand drug mule set-up through a spouse is almost fool proof and literally impossible for any typical journalist or investigator to crack.
…. As much as siding with Napoleon Danny Snyder and the winners of the very mediocre NFC East scares us, we have to give them the nod here.
{ …. This pick is contingent upon no heavily armed, out-of-state Native American Militias seizing FedEx Field before the game and demanding the land it was built on be returned to their people and threatening violence & death against any Federal Authorities who attempt to remove them. …… On second thought, if this happened and none of the occupiers were white, monosyllabic, sadly misinformed on the Second Amendment rednecks, …. they would be removed within hours and it would likely not affect the football game on Sunday. }
Pick: Sanguine Human Flesh Coverings (+1)
Bob: GB-1
Monday, January 11, 2016
8:30 pm
The So-Called CFP National Championship Game
Presented by AT&T
At the So-Called “University” of Phoenix Stadium
Glendale, Arizona
…. “Good Time” Nick Saban in a lighter moment @ a marital aids convention for Crimson Tide alumni.
……. Head Coach Dabo Swinney thanks the Sky God that the vandals who smashed & stole much of Howard’s Rock in 2013 left just enough of it for him to feel the igneous mineral’s pain.
#2 Alabama (-7) vs. #1 Clemson 50.5
……. The Crimson Tide vs. The Tigers
……. The Battle of the Deep South …….
………. The Battle of two very different Head Coaches
…… Darth Vader/Debbie Downer Nick Satan vs. Cletus Delroy Spuckler
Dabo “Come to Jesus” Swinney.
….. Everything and everyone seems to favour Tricky Nicky and his five deep professional team from Tuscaloosa. Alabama has the edge at running back in Heisman winner Derek Henry, the Tide has the best NFL prospect at WR in Calvin Ridley and dominates with more prospects along both lines and through the rest of the roster.
….. Certainly Bama has the advantage in position coaches. Well regarded DC Kirby Smart will be coaching his last game Monday before heading off to Athens, Georgia to takeover the under-achieving Bulldogs as their new head coach.
….. Say what you want about the ethics of the detestable Lane Kiffin as a Head Coach, but as an Offensive Coordinator in Tuscaloosa he has been creative, adaptive, aggressive & successful. The only problem is that he still has problems with his phobia of crossing airport tarmacs on the team bus.
….. And of course, Nicholas “Chuckles” Saban has the credentials/resume/results to be given the hard edge in coaching over Dabo “Redneck Yokel” Swinney of the Clemson, South Carolina Tigers.
….. When Dabo isn’t relentlessly thanking the Holy Trinity of Southern Values ( Grits, Guns & Jesus ) for every single Clemson victory, he is constantly whining about the fact that “NOBODY” has given his Tigers a chance in any game this year. This includes their wipe-out of Wofford where the “NOBODIES IN VEGAS” favoured them by a Donald Trump Republican Party total support percentage.
…… The fact that the Tigers have pretty well been ranked #1 all year is lost in his monotonous diatribe claiming that Clemson is the defacto winner of the 2015 Rodney Dangerfield respect award.
……. Dabo plays up his “Gee whizz-shucks dumb as a goal post image” for the media. He really isn’t quite that stupid or naive. His IQ probably more realistically lies somewhere north of a small appliance bulb & south of former Texas Governor Rick Perry after a caffeine enema.
…… However, Dabo does inspire loyalty and his troops are willing to follow him to the battlefield and carry out his game-plan.
…… When has Goliath Alabama struggled in the Nick Saban era?
…… When they face teams loaded with a roster of NFL bound players of a high percentage that could actually make the Alabama roster, and when they face a mobile quarterback.
….. Last year when Alabama lost to Ohio State in the so called “playoff” semi-final, clearly half the starting Buckeye Roster could have played for the Tide.
….. This year Clemson has 16-18 position players that are the equivalent or superior to Tide starters.
…… The Tide have lost games in the past to versatile, mobile quarterbacks who can throw and run at a high level. Johnny “Vegas Time Traveller” Manziel @ Texas A&M beat them in Tuscaloosa as a freshman, Cam Newton at Auburn beat them in the Iron Bowl & several athletic LSU quarterbacks pulled out several victories behind a Head Coach not much sharper than Dabo Swinney in the personage of Les Miles.
….. Clemson Quarterback DeShaun Watson is the wild card in this game. He has led the number one team all year by running and throwing the Tigers into big plays that put away opponents.
….. The weakness of the Tide defence is their secondary. Clemson has managed to run the ball enough all year to force safeties up to the line of scrimmage to stop their big laterally developing plays. When that happens, the big play, the deep throw, the reverse bubble screen, the isolation corner-back missing a tackle, have all led to heart ripping Clemson touchdowns.
….. Tigers win ( or at least cover ) by doing what they’ve done all year.
….. and all week you just know that Dabo will be giving inspirational Joel Osteen style guidance to his disrespected players as to how they are the #1 team in the land and are still a touchdown underdog.
… Obviously Jesus, Mary & the Holy Ghost love Clemson and so do we!
Pick: Clemson (+7)
Bob: Alabama -7
