(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got. We used to spend a long time editing these things. This year, you’re getting them raw… so enjoy the Canadian “flavour.”)
Sunday, November 8, 2015
BYE WEEK:
Detroit, Kansas City, Arizona, Seattle, Baltimore, Houston.
………… 1:00 pm, Eastern Standard Time …………
Green Bay @ CAROLINA (Even) 46
…… We’ve had some concerns about the Packer offence over the last month, and they were justified Sunday night when QB Aaron Rodgers had his worst night as a pro. It’s not all Mr. Olivia Munn’s fault. The Green Bay receivers are gripping. They don’t get open much & struggle with some route running assignments. They also tend to give up on plays when Rodgers is running for his life. In short, they aren’t very good.
….. Panther QB Cam Newton has the best cadence in the NFL. The quality & timbre of his voice sends shivers down the spine. Listening to him vocally command the line of scrimmage last Monday night was eerily hypnotic on the surround sound in the living room. It seemed as if the imperative dominance of James Earl Jones, Sam Elliot or the “Voice of Doom” Lorne Greene was running the huddle.
….. Packers lost Sunday night in Denver, but they are relatively healthy. Carolina won last Monday, but their defense was exhausted to the point of zero reserve calories by the end. We have a funny feeling that that is going to cost them this week against Rodgers and the Packers who need to rebound. Panthers lose for the first time this year.
Pick: Packers (Even)
Bob: GB
Washington @ NEW ENGLAND (-15) 52.5
….. Biggest spread of the year.
….. Biggest blowout of the year?
….. Patriots may not need to cheat, ……. very much.
…… Still, we hate spreads that big.
Pick: Decorations made from Aboriginal Cadavers (+15)
Bob: Pats -15
Tennessee @ NEW ORLEANS (-9) 48
Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt has been deep sixed, ……… and the Titans didn’t even lose a game in Great Britain. Ex Bill head Coach Mike Mularkey will take the reins of the faltering Greek Gods.
….. Marcus Mariotta is back, good thing since QB Zach Mettenburger threw for an avg. 5.5 yards per attempt last Sunday and inspired thousands of Titans’ fans to send invisible people to sit in their season ticket held seats.
….. It won’t matter very much, Brees and the Saints roll.
Pick: SAINTS (-9)
Bob: NO-9
Miami @ BUFFALO (-2.5) 44
….. In a recent on-line survey, Buffalo Bills’ fans were cited as the most inebriated in the NFL. The study has been cited as unreliable as it was based on an honour system involving breathalyzer readings taken on cell phones. It also involved a sample size far too small to be considered accurate by professional market researchers. Despite this, so far exactly zero Western New Yorkers have taken to the Twitterverse to refute the title.
….. We would hail the veracity of this research group’s methodology & sense of purpose if follow-up, more detailed polls demonstrated the following:
1.) Philadelphia Eagles’ fans are the thinnest skinned and hardest grudge carrying. They are most likely to harbour homicidal tendencies and have the lowest threshold of tolerance. Subsequently, they often take offence at even the most insubstantial imaginary personal slights.
2.) New England Patriots’ fans are the most delusional, arrogant & boring losers on earth. Their only means of achieving positive self esteem in their pathetic, limited minds is by hermetically sealing their lips to the pock-marked posterior of their wastrel disgrace of a football team borne of fraud, pestilence & unhallowed animus.
3.) Oakland Raiders’ game day crowds fully constitute the highest ever recorded mass blood level readings of dangerous to lethal levels of crystal methamphetamine.
….. DE Cameron Wake is gone, ……. so is the Dolphins’ winning streak under adjective challenged head coach Encino Man Campbell after last week’s demolition by the Patriots. Losing Wake for the year, ….. means the Dolphins will have less pass rush on QB Tyrod Taylor who should be back for the Bills.
….. Both teams are well rested, but the Bills win here too with 14 days of recuperation versus 10 for the Cetacea Delphinidae.
….. Buffalo is at home, tight game, less than a field goal, ……..
Pick: BILLS (-2.5)
Bob: Bills -2.5
Saint Louis @ MINNESOTA (-2.5) 40.5
…… Battle of the Running Backs: …… The Rams’ rookie Todd Gurley, the second coming of Herschel Walker out of the University of Georgia versus Adrian Peterson out of the University of Oklahoma & the Joan Crawford Finishing School for Corporal Discipline.
…… The Vikings are a quiet 5-2 and could come out of the weekend tied for the NFC Central lead with Green Bay. Minnesota is at home, has incentive and an emerging deep threat in ex Maryland Terrapin wide receiver Stefon Diggs. Most importantly, the Rams’ Achilles Heel is their run defense, so AP can expect a lot of carries and a high yardage total.
…… We’ve been waiting for the Rams to emerge all year, despite being coached by the human embodiment of “Buzz Kill” Jeff Fisher. They have won 3/4 with their only loss being to the Packers. However, their two game winning streak consisted of beating the Browns and the Forty Niners.
….. It should be close, and the Rams always do better as an underdog, even still, this feels like the kind of game Jeff Fisher & the Rams show up to and end up disappointing all the bettors.
Pick: VIKINGS (-2.5)
Bob: Vikes -2.5
Jacksonville @ NEW YORK J-E-T-S. JETS! JETS! JETS! (-9) 42
……. Jets’ QB Ryan Fitzpatrick has torn thumb ligaments in his left, non throwing hand. This could mean the return of Geno “The Chin” Smith, who finished up for the Jets last week when Fitz went down.
…… Nobody except the Jaguars and the small cult of degenerative gamblers who constantly bet on Jacksonville wants to see this “bad” actor start for the Jets.
Vincenzo “The Chin” Gigante, former boss of the Genovese Crime Family in New York City on the other hand was a “good” actor.
….. Gigante started out as a boxer where he was known as “The Chin.” He was pretty successful with a 21-4 record with 13 knockouts in the light heavyweight division. He was only ever stopped once, in his very last fight due to severe cuts. He was so enraged at losing the brutal fight he threatened the doctor, referee & judges with death by horrible means after the fight was stopped.
….. He went to work for the mob and most famously shot Frank Costello into retirement. In 1957, Gigante, taking orders from the ambitious Vito Genovese took up the contract to kill their boss. He thought he had killed the Luciano Crime Boss in front of his apartment building, but had only wounded him. Gigante was arrested. In the ensuing trial, Costello refused to identify “The Chin” as the would be assassin as did the apartment doorman who suddenly developed amnesia despite being only 10 feet away.
…… Gigante was acquitted, Costello retired, passing the throne to Vito Genovese who renamed the Family in his own name. The apartment doorman lived the rest of his life like the mouse who lives in the senile old lady’s house of a 100 cats in the old two story house down the street in every-town USA.
….. Vito worked his way up the ranks and in 1969 started working the strategy that he would carry to his death. After being arrested on bribery charges, he started feigning mental illness to escape prosecution. The ruse was that he was incapable of running anything as complex as a criminal organization and that the cops had a grudge against him. He had prominent psychologists & psychiatrists back up his diagnosis. He was such a good actor that the strategy worked, the judge believed him and he avoided doing time.
…… In 1981 he became Godfather of the Genovese Family and ruled till his death in 2005. After Gambino Boss John Gotti continually embarrassed law enforcement in the 1980’s, the powers that be poured millions into new campaigns to put all the New York bosses away.
…. The incarceration of Gotti in the early 90’s was just the start. Law enforcement arrested and convicted dozens of mobsters over the next decade, including the Bosses of Four of the Five Families. When all the others were busted and doing time as a result of the intense effort put forth by the FBI, ATF, Justice Department, Treasury & various State Task Forces, ….. the Fifth Boss, Vincenzo Gigante still walked the streets.
…….. He regularly walked around Greenwich Village in his pajamas, slippers & moth eaten housecoat to feign mental illness. He also regularly checked himself into Bellevue Hospital’s Psychiatric Unit as an out patient to accrue alibi credentials. To avoid being linked to crime he ordered all his underlings in the Genovese Family to never speak his name out loud & point to their chins when referring to him so his name wouldn’t be heard on wiretaps.
……. Almost nobody believed the act except a lot of doctors, not just the paid ones, even some of the government ones. One court appointed, prominent FBI psychiatrist swore that she was 99% sure Gigante was ill and not acting.
……. Although charged with dozens of racketeering crimes in the early 1990’s, his top flight lawyers, his complicated medical condition & other factors prevented him from going to trial till 1997. His doctors claimed he had been suffering several different forms of dementia for over 30 years including Schizophrenia, Alzheimer’s & Dementia Pugilistica as a result from his years as a boxer.
…… He was convicted on multiple charges in 1997, mostly on the basis of several high profile rats like Sammy “The Bull” Gravano of the Gambino Family who came out of witness protection & claimed that they had met Gigante on numerous occasions as Boss over the years and he was perfectly lucid. They testified that nobody would be allowed by the Mafia Commission to run an organization as large as the Genovese Crime Family if they were mentally ill.
….. In December 1997 he went to jail but continued to run the family. In 2002 he was charged with dozens of other crimes including feigning insanity and delaying his last trial for 7.5 years. In the plea bargain that followed, to avoid strain on his family he pled guilty. This included admitting that he had faked his insanity & misled more than 60 doctors regarding his mental condition for over 30 years.
…… He continued to run the Genovese Family from prison till 2005 when he passed away. After he died, numerous documents & letters indicated he thought he really was mentally ill, but had admitted it was all just an act to help his family.
…… Gigante was a helluva an actor, he maybe even convinced himself that he was insane. His run as boss was long, but not as long as his off Broadway performance as the mentally challenged “Oddfather.”
….. Geno Smith isn’t close to that committed to being an actor, locker room boxer or playing quarterback, ….. and he certainly doesn’t have Gigante’s chin. If he has to play in this game the Jaguars have a chance to win. If Fitzpatrick plays, 9 points is still too much to cover.
Pick: Jaguars (+9)
Bob: Jax +9
Oakland @ PITTSBURGH (-5.5) 48
….. Big Ben faltered late against a beatable Bengals’ team last week and RB Le’Veon Bell is gone for the year after a clean, hard tackle by LB Vontaze Burfict who surprised everyone by coming back a week early.
… Bell was responsible for 25% of the Steelers’ offensive production despite missing two games due to suspension.
…. Derek Carr’s 15-3 TD to Interception Ratio, and a third WR threat emerging in 6’4″ Andre Holmes out of tiny Hillsdale College are big positives for the Raiders.
… [ located in Hillsdale, Michigan the tiny liberal arts institution was the first school in America to outlaw discrimination at its founding in 1844. Its charter formally prohibited any form of prejudice or partiality based on race, gender or religion. ] …..
….. Charles Woodson, the 39 year old safety for the Raiders seems positively rejuvenated this year. After an interception last week against the Jets, he immediately started demonstrably celebrating in front of the Black Hole, …….. and they went wild.
…… the scene resembled a Maori ‘Haka’ being performed during a Halloween costume party at a seedy East Oakland biker bar and Woodson was taunting the patrons with meth samples he was about to toss into the crowd.
….. Raiders cover on the road again.
Pick: Raiders (+5.5)
Bob: Pitt -5.5
………….. 4:05 – 4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time ………………….
New York Football Giants (-2.5) @ TAMPA BAY 47
…… When Thomas Cromwell sent his land surveyor to Ireland in 1650 to assess the target of his hostile takeover, he came across 50 square miles in the west of the island of totally desolate land called “The Burren.”
….. In his letter to Cromwell he described what he saw:
… “No Pools of Water to drown an Irishman. No Trees to hang an Irishman. No dirt to bury a heathen Catholic Irishman.”
…. The letter says a lot more about the surveyor’s relationship with Cromwell and his knowledge of the bosses’ intentions towards the island’s inhabitants than it does about 17th Century Civil Engineering.
….. Giants’ coach Tom Coughlin must have had a similar reaction when he looked at the tape of the New York defence last week in their “nary a speed-bump of resistance” performance against the Saints in New Orleans.
… Giants’ head coach Tom Coughlin didn’t go ballistic in practice this week. He burned the tape & said let’s look ahead to the tape of the Buccaneers.
….. Giants gave up 614 yards of offence in the insane 52-41 loss in the Big Easy last week, …… slightly less real estate than the French did in the Louisiana Purchase agreement with Thomas Jefferson in 1803. They also allowed Drew Brees to tie an NFL record with seven touchdown passes.
……Tampa is back in NFC South race, even though they almost blew their second big lead in two weeks, winning in overtime in Atlanta.
…. So let’s flip the coin on this one. At least Eli & the offence put up a tonne of points and yardage too last week. We think they bounce back. If they don’t, and play anything like last week, it’ll be Tom Coughlin who will be the Irishman looking for a pool of water, a tree or a nice soft plot of earth.
Pick: Giants (-2.5)
Bob: TB +2.5
Atlanta (-4) @ SAN FRANCISCO 45
…… Teammates wanted Colin Kaepernick benched to clear his head. They got their wish this week.
…… He has clearly regressed. That means Blaine Gabbert will start. Even if he wasn’t the worst quarterback in the NFL he could not win with this non existent ghost roster of non NFL talent.
….. RB Carlos Hyde & Anquan Boldin are hurt and out. Part-time NFL running back Reggie Bush’s career is likely over after a torn ACL playing slip-n-slide on the concrete running around the field border of the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis. Now the Forty Niners have traded TE Vernon Davis to the Broncos. Will the last Niner leaving turn out the lights?
….. Atlanta has lost two of three after starting undefeated after five games. The only win was over the sinking Titans. This game is the cure for those doldrums.
….. This has to be the big fat beach ball they hit out of the park to get back on track.
Pick: Falcons: (-4)
Bob: ATL -4
Denver (-5) @ INDIANAPOLIS 45
…… Andrew Luck has been playing in pain with broken ribs. I don’t need Fox Sports motor mouth “Game Breaking News” MMA wannabe Jay Glazer to tell me that. Just watching the Colts it is bleeding obvious. Luck hasn’t regressed significantly, he’s just playing with a knife stuck in his diaphragm and a cast of ancient skill player targets and a woeful offensive line
…… So calm down Robert Irsay and let the coaches prepare for the Broncos. Too late! Offensive Coordinator Pep Hamilton walks the plank this week for the Colts.
… Just what a banged up Colts team needs after that valiant but short comeback effort in the rain in Carolina. Coming off a short week, …. a new coordinator in Rod Chudzinski preparing for the best defense in the NFL. …. Oh and Peyton Android returns to Indianapolis to settle some scores.
…… Peyton Manning had some 2005 arm strength in those deep throws last Sunday night in the easy win over the Packers. Guess he must be seeing Tom Brady’s holistic trainer. ……. If this is the result of his sessions with the Euell Gibbons of sports medicine, just imagine what he can do for Peyton Android’s thinning blood when the Rocky Mountain winter winds hit in December.
Pick: Broncos (-5)
Bob: Colts +5
………………… 8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time ………………….
Philadelphia (-2.5) @ DALLAS 44.5
…… Philly comes in off the Bye week.
…… Dez Bryant, “Peacemaker” two weeks ago, last week goes off on reporters for thinking he was talking trash to/about Ricardo Lockette’s serious concussion after a punt return last in the frustrating loss to the Seahawks by one point.
….. Maybe Dez’s anger is more about the PETA organization which has filed numerous complaints about his illegal possession of a Capuchin Monkey that is confined to his residence in a Dallas suburb.
…… The Dallas Cowboys have hired former DE Charles Haley to talk to Greg Hardy about his own experiences with bipolar disorder. Hardy has been a marketing disaster, but an effective pass rusher. In a country slightly less accepting of domestic violence in 2015, his cumulative baggage, non apologetic stance, recent sideline eruption & locker room interview intimidation tactics towards reporters has caused Randle mostly negative reviews from the public.
….. All of this might be acceptable except no actual doctor has actually diagnosed Hardy with any specific disorder and thus prescribed that type of “conversation” treatment for his medical condition. In this case, it would be nice if Doctor Jones & the Cowboys would hire real doctors instead of resorting to these tired, pathetic & cellophane Public Relations tactics.
…… On a similar behaviour related issue, the Cowboys have released running back Joseph Randle. He was injured several weeks ago and he had been excused from the team since last week for personal reasons. These reasons likely involve his calling the police over his missing girlfriend who had been found safe later, just wanting to get away from Randle. Rumours abound that he is also about to be disciplined by the NFL for a domestic incident that he was cleared of wrongdoing in, that occurred last February in Wichita, Kansas.
…… Before that, in October of 2014 he was arrested for shoplifting cologne and underwear in Dallas.
…… Owner Jerry Jones said that the release shows just how much he truly loves his players. He said being away from the team was what was best for the player right now. He said that even though he was being released { no salary, no obligation for team to deliver on benefits }, he was still a valued member of the Cowboy community and that they would stand by to help him work through his other issues. { raised eyebrow, that remains to be seen }
…… Right, except in the very next sentence at the press conference, Jones beamed about how the move wouldn’t hurt the running back situation since the often injured Daren McFadden had been more productive than Randle & he had two other young running backs who he was optimistic could help.
…… So in other words, If Randle had been more productive this season and run for more than 315 yards on 76 carries and a measly 4 touchdowns { still leads the team } ……. and had not irritated coaches with his turnovers caused by sticking the ball out over the goal line, …. and Dallas didn’t have these decent replacements, { in Jones’ twisted opinion & often bad or at best irrational talent evaluation process } ……. Joseph Randle would still be on the roster! …… even though he would still possess the same mental health issues that Jones has magnanimously declared make him unsuitable to be a paid member of the team and for the good of his own personal health dictate he had to be mercifully released.
……. On yet another related medical note, ….. the father of Botox therapy, Dr. Arnold Klein recently passed away at the age of 70 ( but he only looked 66). Out of respect, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been flying his lower eye lids at half mast for the last few weeks.
…… Tony Romo will not be starting for the Cowboys. He can’t return till week 11 against the Dolphins, ….. when the hot mess that is the NFC East will still be up for grabs. That means the comedy duo of Cassel & Weeden will be taking the snaps Sunday night for the losing streak Cowboys.
….. Betting on the Eagles is a proposition battle between the ridiculous and the sublime. The forecasting & the results are usually flawed because the Philadelphia Eagles defy conventional scrutiny. Games could be non-eventful or they could result in violent upheaval. …..
…… In other words, games involving them are unpredictable.
…… It is like trying to forecast the nightmare events that would unravel before, during & after a hot yoga class involving Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan and Anne Coulter.
…… For one of the few times this year, the surprisingly unhurt & unsurprisingly mediocre Sam Bradford is the better quarterback in a football game.
Pick: Eagles (-2.5)
Bob: Philly -2.5
………………. Monday, November 9, 2015 …………………..
………………… 8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time ……………….
Chicago @ SAN DIEGO (-4) 49.5
…… The hard luck Chargers lost WR Keenan Allen for the year with a lacerated kidney in the loss to the Ravens. Their offensive line is still as patchwork as Leon Spinks’ dental work & Phillip Rivers still turns it over late in games when he goes Brett Favre to try to overcome deficits with long shot gambles.
…… RB Matt Forte looks like he is gone for the year, which means the Bears will probably only win one or two more games all year, ……
…….. this won’t be one of them.
Pick: CHARGERS (-4)
Bob: SD-4
