(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got. We used to spend a long time editing these things. This year, you’re getting them raw… so enjoy the Canadian “flavour.”)
LAST WEEK: Mr. Brutal 11-2-1, Bob 7-6-1
Sunday, November 1, 2015
{ BYE WEEK: Buffalo, Philadelphia, Washington, Jacksonville }
……… 9:30 am Eastern Standard Time …………..
Detroit ………… KANSAS CITY (-4.5) 47.5 [ London, England ]
….. Lions’ head coach Jim Caldwell has basically fired his entire offensive staff before heading off for Great Britain. He was asked why he didn’t wait to do it after this game, since Detroit has the “Bye” week. This was the successful tack the Miami Dolphins took earlier in the year when they released head coach Joe Philbin. It gives a team an extra week to working a new coaching staff.
Coach Caldwell responded:
…… “Because this absolutely had to be done right now, ……. and this decision didn’t involve any input from the ownership.”
….. Wow! decisive, impulsive leadership from a coach who previously resembled Continental Drift in the speed of decisions department. In this case however, at first we didn’t understand why Coach “Dither & Shuffle” Caldwell didn’t wait another week. He’s obviously fibbing about the desires of ownership, but most importantly he & GM Martin Mayhew are probably afraid that the Lions just might win this game, which would have made firing OC Joe Lombardi and the rest of the offensive staff awkward next week.
….. Little chance of that happening now. The Lions have chosen Quarterbacks’ coach Jim Bob Cooter as the new offensive coordinator. He has a mighty thin resume since he only left the University of Tennessee in 2009 where he played quarterback. He served as an assistant last year in Denver and several years before that he was an assistant in Indianapolis, both times to more or less be personal assistant or as some have said, glorified “Gofor” to Peyton Manning.
…… In between, he served one year as “Quality Control” coach in Kansas City. That job involved watching film, filing reports for the coaches and preparing the scout team. It also included laminating the oversized play sheets used by the coordinators during the game, spraying the player’s cleats with Desenex before each game and downloading & updating the personal music playlists for individual players.
…… Lesser known, …… and not usually for public consumption responsibilities required scouting potential female groupies for after-game party invites, e-mailing wives/girlfriends of “unexpected” late night team meetings that coincided with these soirees and checking the psi tire pressure on the team party bus.
…… In other words, Jim Bob Cooter’s only actual in-game coaching experience at any level has been the last half year as Quarterbacks’ coach in Detroit.
…… Now Jim Bob is only 31, and we think youth can be an asset. We are just worried that this kind of pressure might get to him.
….. In the past, back in 2006 Jim Bob had a DUI conviction in Fayetteville, Tennessee while he was a college quarterback for the University of Tennessee Volunteers. He was suspended, paid the price, second chance, forgiven, etc. …. Some speculated that the pressure of playing on the horrible 5-6 Volunteer’s college football team of 2005 contributed to his behaviour. Three years later in 2009, while working as an assistant with the Colts, he had another incident that people close to him said came about from his inability to cope with pressure.
…… He was charged with aggravated burglary when he climbed through a stranger’s second story window and got into bed with a woman who was sleeping. This was eventually settled out of court. We can only speculate/assume that this came about more because of Jim Bob’s struggles with alcohol than any attempt by Jim Bob to foray into the Bill Cosby realm of alternative dating practices.
….. We’re pretty sure that none of this will affect him or the Lions’ preparation for success in this totally normal game. A game being played on the other side of the Atlantic with a whole week of distracting public functions and a new bunch of offensive coaches feeling their way into new jobs.
….. There is also the issue of the irresistible & sophisticated distractions of Mayfair, Piccadilly Circus and Leicester Square. These could prove refreshingly appealing from the usual Motor City evening rituals involving triple bolting the doors on your residence, cleaning your firearms and feeding your Presa Canario guard dogs.
….. Chiefs outlasted the Steelers 23-13 last week. They even threw a touchdown to another wide receiver, Chris Conley. Their defence handled Steeler QB fill-in Landry Jones with ease. The Chiefs have lost OG Ben Grubbs for the year, but that shouldn’t be enough to stop Kansas City from winning here over a wet-behind-the-years offensive coordinator.
….. Detroit has little chance of winning here unless the Lions also seanced the spirit of the recently departed Bill Arnsparger back from the other side to coach the Detroit defence.
Pick: CHIEFS (-4.5)
Bob: Detroit +4.5
………… 1:00 pm, Eastern Standard Time …………
Tampa Bay ……………………. ATLANTA (-7.5) 48
…… Famous Jameis & the St. Petersburg Pirates blow a 24-0 lead to the Washington Aboriginal Spoils and we are supposed to believe they can win this contest in Atlanta?
…… Not unless General William Tecumseh Sherman shows up & takes over the reins of the Buccaneer offense to raze the city of Atlanta for a second time, …. do we see these Bucs scaring the Falcons.
…… Winston had a pretty good game last week ( at least the first half ), which means he won’t have one this week if his rookie season pattern continues. The Falcon defense had to win them one last week in Nashville, which is a good thing.
…. Look for the Atlanta Offence and Matty Frigid to get it back into gear after a couple of slow weeks moving the ball.
Pick: FALCONS (-7.5)
Bob: Atlanta -7.5
Arizona (-7) ………………………… CLEVELAND 46
…. The best Halloween decorating job so far this year. A Cleveland resident has created the “Graveyard of Cleveland Quarterbacks” with dozens of tombstones & life sized plots in his front yard. The career lifespan of each Brown QB is etched in fake blood.
…. What could be scarier than guiding your child up to the front door to get candy while walking through the final resting place of 22 spine chillingly short careers.
…. The graveyard only starts at 1999 with Tim Couch, since that is when the “New” Browns started up, three years after Art Modell carpetbagged the old Browns off to Baltimore and they morphed into the Ravens.
….. If walking by the Brady Quinn 2009, Doug Pederson 2000 & Colt McCoy 2010-2011 tombstones doesn’t scare you, ….. creeping around the Spergon Wynn 2000, Charlie Frye 2005 and Kelly Holcomb 2003 markers will give goose bumps to your ancestors.
….. There is little danger of the homeowner ever running out of space since his neighbours on both sides of his house have pledged their front yards for graveyard expansion if required.
…. Last week we predicted that Johnny Manziel might play because the Rams would knock Josh McCown out of the game. We were close. McCown did get hurt and has missed practice all week. The Browns said he was hurt on a sack, but it appeared to us and other people watching the game that McCown hurt himself when he ran out of bounds unimpeded, carelessly didn’t slow down and ran into the stands hurting his shoulder.
….. That means that Johnny Earnhardt Manziel might start or relieve.
( As long as he escapes unscathed from his meeting with NFL Officials this week regarding his little incident last week involving alcohol, Grand Theft Auto highway driving, domestic abuse and cell phone destruction)
….. The forecast calls for rain in Northern Ohio & for the elusive Manziel to play a roll in this game.
….. Those two factors will throw a wrench into the game plans of Bruce Arians & the lead footed Carson Palmer mucking about on the soggy, browning Kentucky Bluegrass of FirstEnergy Stadium.
Pick: Browns (+7)
Bob: Browns +7
San Francisco ………………. SAINT LOUIS (-10.5) 39
…… We don’t like San Francisco in this game, but we still feel sorry for the Forty Niners and the Tom Sizemore career nosedive of QB Colin Kaepernick.
…… However, we learned a long time ago that you can never trust a Jeff Fisher coached team to cover lofty spreads like this. Jeff never coached in college in any capacity. As a result, he never learned the importance of running up the score to please the boosters who always lay big coin on the home team.
Pick: Forty Niners (+10.5)
Bob: Niners +10.5
New York Football Giants ……… NEW ORLEANS (-3) (49.5)
….. DE Jason Pierre Paul is back, well maybe most of him. He and about eight of his fingers are ready to improve the Giants’ pass rush.
….. It won’t matter here because the Saints have won three out of four and are starting to resemble a decent team.
…… There is no word on whether the League is seriously considering the Giants’ formal request to ban the use of any pregame, post game, touchdown or halftime fireworks in any stadium that they play in from now on.
….. The Giants are worried that the explosions, fire & noise will trigger a PTSD like reaction in Jason Pierre-Paul and adversely affect his play.
Pick: SAINTS (-3)
Bob: Giants +3
Minnesota (-1) ………………. CHICAGO 42
QB Teddy Bridgewater > Jay Cutler
RB Adrian Peterson > Matt Forte
OC Norv Turner > Adam Gase
Vikings > Bears
Pick: Vikings (-1)
Bob: Bears -1
San Diego …………………….. BALTIMORE (-3) 50
….. Phillip Rivers & the Chargers are entertaining, but they still lose and have to travel to the east for the third time this year where they have yet to win. Whoever loses this game will lose their fourth game in a row and likely any faint hopes of going to the playoffs.
….. The Chargers have the better offence and have one more win than the “Lost in Chesapeake” Ravens. Baltimore is coming off the short week after the loss last Monday night in the desert against the Cardinals. Joe “The Financial Adviser” Flacco threw a last play interception after some baffling clock management that would cause a Swiss watchmaker to have a seizure.
….. The short week makes the difference and cancels out the three time zone trip east.
Pick: Chargers (+3)
Bob: SD +3
Cincinnati …………………….. PITTSBURGH (Even) 48.5
….. Big Ben should be back for the Steelers, and they’ll need him in this game & the rest of the season if they hope to make the playoffs. The Bengals got good news this week on the injury front. Their best defensive player, LB Vontaze Burfict has finally been cleared to play this year, but he probably won’t till suit up till next week.
….. This is a very dangerous game for the undefeated Bengals. Dalton is 2-6 lifetime against Roethlisberger & the Steelers will be especially hyped after their lackadaisical endeavour last week in Kansas City.
…… But the Bengals are coming off a Bye, are our “Team of Destiny” this year and haven’t steered us wrong yet.
Pick: Bengals (Even)
Bob: Pitt Even
Tennessee …………………….. HOUSTON (No Line)
….. The worst game of the week to risk your life betting on.
…. Our favourite vegetarian, atheist & philosopher king in the NFL, Arian Foster, running back for the Texans is gone for the year. He is also likely gone for his career after a non-contact Achilles tendon injury in last week’s non-contact roll-over 44-26 loss against the Miami Dolphins.
….. This is because there is no way the Houston Texans are going to pay an aging running back 6.5 million dollars next year and take his full 9.5 million dollar salary cap hit.
…. It appears QB Marcus Mariota will still be out for the Titans, but who knows, Zach Mettenberger may actually be the better choice as the rookie Mariotta maybe needs to be protected from being ruined in his first year. On the other hand, this may be the Titans’ best opportunity for an confidence boosting win and maybe their last win all year.
…. The Texans have other various injuries & issues. DE Jadeveon Clowney appears to be molting into the slacking malingerer that Steve Spurrier warned us about in South Carolina. His play and attitude haven’t impressed anybody.
….. Texans’ coach Bill O’Brien may be the least effective boss in the NFL this year that hasn’t been fired yet.
…. That may change after this game.
Pick: Titans (Whatever the Line)
Bob: Titans
………….. 4:05 – 4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time ………………….
New York J-e-t-s, Jets! Jets! Jets! …. OAKLAND (Even) 44
….. Disappointing game for the Jets last week, as they gave the Patriots their toughest test of the year but came up short.
…. For the second week in a row, The Raiders will be playing in the best & most watched late game of the day. That is because the Seattle Seahawks will likely have the Cowboys on the ropes by halftime in front of 30,000 screaming Seattle fans who have travelled to Dallas and obtained cheap and easy tickets from the large legal on-line scalping network that owes its existence to the fickle nature of the Cowboy Nation.
…. This is the best test yet for Raider Nation. The Jets have to be suffering a bit of a letdown after the close call loss in MassaCHEATsuss last week. QB Derek Carr will go after the weakest area of the Jet defense, the deep drop pass zone coverage by their linebackers and their two safeties.
…. Wide Receivers Crabtree and Cooper make the difference and the Black Hole goes postal.
Pick: RAIDERS (Even)
Bob: Raiders Even
Seattle (-5.5) …………………… DALLAS 40.5
…… Last week the Cowboys lost again, 27-20 to the New York Football Giants. The Giants’ offence was average, only scoring one of the three New York touchdowns. The defense had a Pick Six, the kick return team had an exciting 100 yard TD return and the punting team caused the Cowboys punt returner to fumble on the key last punt of the game.
…… The poor performance of the Dallas special teams was not lost on DE Greg Hardy who didn’t wait for the team to hit the locker room before he decided to voice his displeasure.
…… Hardy has only been with the team for a few weeks after serving his four game suspension for a big misunderstanding involving the conflicting social mores involving the storage of firearms in the boudoir and conjugal rights.
…… Being the consummate teammate and natural leader that he is, Hardy realized what the Cowboys needed right after that key punt return fumble was a George S. Patton style dressing down escalating into a public display Bryan Cox mental meltdown.
….. Hardy started his teaching moment by breaking up the Special Teams’ huddle by screaming and yelling at special teams’ coach Rich Bisaccia & knocking his clipboard to the ground. The two started shoving and screaming at each other while most of the other players stood around frozen in shock or walking away with typical Cowboy indifference. The screaming could be heard all around Giants’ Stadium. It got so bad that the main peacemaker ended up actually being WR and card carrying Diva Dez Bryant, ….. who was inactive & dressed in civilian clothes.
…. After the game, Dallas owner, general manager, philosopher, shadow coach & domestic life Sherpa Jerry Jones resorted to using the typical time-worn distraction technique he resurrects whenever a Cowboy player is involved in a troubling incident on or off the field.
…. He announced that Greg Hardy was a natural leader & that his bombast and anger were just passion, ….. and of course that is just what his Cowboys needed.
….. Never one to shy away from the table, Jones then doubled down and bombastically announced that he now wanted to sign Hardy to a long term extension.
….. The behaviour of Hardy and Jones all seems to make more sense now that we have read the results of a recent long term study on male Howler monkeys. Howler Monkeys are the loudest land mammal on earth.
{ There is some debate as to whether certain species of bats are slightly louder. A couple of parrots are slightly louder when they make certain rare calls and the Blue & Sperm Whales are appreciably louder. }
…… The Howler Monkey’s blood curdling roars hit levels reaching over 130 decibels. That is louder than the confirmed volume at any Metallica Concert. Researchers were confounded for years as to why certain male Howlers made frequently louder howls and behaved more erratically than others although they were seldom the dominant males in their troop or area. Eventually the scientists found that these monkeys possessed a noticeably smaller scrotum & testicles.
…… The zoologists involved theorized that these monkeys produced less testosterone & were over compensating for their sexual inadequacy, social awkwardness & general loneliness.
….. They constantly were vying for the attention of others and felt this could be achieved only by over-the-top public displays of delinquency or by just being louder than everybody else.
…… Since Howler Monkeys share 92% of the Human Genome,
{ the highest % of any primate besides the Great Apes: Gorillas, Chimpanzees, Orangutans & Bonobos } ….. this offers a plausible causal explanation for the behaviour of Greg Hardy, Jerry Jones, Donald Trump, etc.
…… Seahawks roll, coming off the 10 day rest and the thousands of Seattle fans who will show up cheering them on in Jerry’s Taj Mahal.
Pick: Seattle (-5.5)
Bob: Seattle -5.5
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
( Like the animals, there is great debate as to which Rock Band is/was the loudest band on earth. So few shows were recorded/measured in the past and even today that the lack of confirmed scientific data makes this issue inconclusive. Various bands, recorded in various sized venues have claimed the mostly unofficial crown over the years.
…… The first result backed by the Guinness Book of World Records cited Deep Purple as the loudest band in the world. It was originally printed as registering 117 decibels for a concert they gave in 1972 at the medium sized 3,300 seat Rainbow Theatre in London, England. Later, after the result was published, it was discovered that the calibration was wrong on the equipment, so the actual number was between 127 – 137 decibels.
…. Regardless, it was really loud. Urban Legend has it that a half dozen fans were knocked unconscious by the intensity of the reverberating sound waves in the enclosed, non open air venue.
….. Before them, Led Zeppelin, Blue Cheer and the subversive MC5 of Detroit often claimed to be the loudest band in the world with unconfirmed readings.
….. since then, confirmed readings have put Manowar, Gorgoroth, Mayhem, Cannibal Corpse, Slayer, Sepultura, My Bloody Valentine, Kiss, The Who, AC/DC & several Electronica bands like Leftfield all over the 125 db threshold mostly in huge outdoor venues as measured 100 feet from the stage.
….. having seen many of these bands live on more than one occasion, our personal vote goes to Motorhead. As a backstage guest at a matinee show in the old Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto during the mid eighties, we decided to wander around the less than half filled floor seats to take in the subtle ambiance of the performance.
….. We had prepared by wearing ear plugs & even put headphones over them when that measure proved inadequate. The band had lugged in over 120 bass bins alone (60 aside), which were their prescribed PA allotment for a much larger outdoor show that they had upcoming.
….. The volume was so resoundingly intense that the gel surrounding my eyeballs started vibrating painfully. Standing over a 100 feet from the speakers, I found it difficult to properly move the muscles in my face to smile, open my mouth, expectorate or even breathe normally. I had to frequently wander out into the halls to get a respite after only 30-45 seconds of this aural assault. We left after experiencing maybe three or four total songs.
…… “The Chase is Better than the Catch,” “Ace of Spades,” & my personal favourite “Eat the Rich.” …. “C’mon baby eat the rich! …. bite down on the son-of-a-bitch!” …… Nobody creates layered metal poetry & lyrical magic like the Shakespeare of Stoke-on-Trent Lemmy Kilmister.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
………………… 8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time ………………….
Green Bay (-2.5) ………………. DENVER 45.5
…… The top two defenses in the NFL meet in a battle of the undefeateds. The Bronco’s defense has pretty well won them every game this year as the Denver offense continues to follow the career path trajectory of Peyton Manning. His waning pocket mobility might eventually reverse & lead to increased mobility. However this probably won’t take place till Peyton retires, completes his transition from the football field to the retirement home and starts terrorizing the residents by recklessly riding his luxury Segway on the residence’s garden paths.
….. Despite all the luck that has fallen their way, many fans this could be the year of the Broncos.
…. They think Denver has a chance to go all the way, …… but so did the Titanic.
….. Packers have to finally end the Bronco’s lucky streak.
Pick: Packers (-2.5)
Bob: GB -2.5
………………… Monday, November 2, 2015 …………………..
………………… 8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time ……………….
Indianapolis …………………….. CAROLINA (-7) 46.5
……… We thought the Colts would fall apart against the Saints last week and we were correct. We thought the Eagles would end the Panthers’ undefeated streak and we were wrong.
….. That last decision ended up costing us money.
….. So based on that premise, the Colts are who we thought they were and the PANTHERS are for real.
….. In the words of Pete Townsend:
…. “We won’t get Fooled again!”
Pick: PANTHERS (-7)
