(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got. We used to spend a long time editing these things. This year, you’re getting them raw… so enjoy the Canadian “flavour.”)
LAST WEEK: Mr. Brutal 9-41, Bob 3-10-1
Sunday, October 25, 2015
{ BYE WEEK: Chicago, Cincinnati, Denver, Green Bay }
……… 9:30 am Eastern Time …………..
Buffalo (-6.5) @ JACKSONVILLE 42 [ London, England ]
…..Bills have been in London all week. Jacksonville, whose second home has been England for these contests over the last 3 years only arrived Friday.
…. Some teams will do anything to avoid eating British food.
…… The Bills are starting to look like a bad soap opera, likely based in a hospital due to all the medical issues, physical & psychological.
1.) Defensive Line players with big contracts have complained that they are being improperly utilized in zone blitz schemes, dropping back into coverage too much & not rushing the quarterback.
2.) QB Tyrod Taylor will miss his second game due to injury. Former high first round draft pick E.J. Manuel will take over again. He may have to run a lot more this Sunday than last week if the Bills plan on winning, because he didn’t get much help from the play-calling, his downfield play-makers or the offensive line against the Bengals.
3.) The part-time WR/KR/PR spectre named Percy Harvin stayed home & didn’t make the trip to London. Conflicting media reports have him either depressed & contemplating retirement over nagging hip injuries or patiently waiting to heal properly and contribute meaningfully to an NFL team for the first time in his 6.5 year, 4 different employer career.
4.) Ex Bill RB Fred Jackson got in a car accident this week, but was okay and contributed to the Seahawks easy victory over San Francisco last night. Playing alongside fellow ex Bill, Marshawn “Beastmode” Lynch [ who took one game off due to high mileage & team orders then came back with a big game last night ] only reminds Buffalo fans that they once had depth at running back with tough, resilient ball carriers.
…. The NFL announced the extension of these “Breakfast at Wimbledon” games for another 5 years, with 2 games per year. The Jags will host one of those games each and every single year.
……. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would neither confirm nor deny that this is retribution for:
….. Lexington, Concord, The Boston Massacre, Coldplay, Def Leppard, The Spice Girls, Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell, jellied eels, spotted dick, black pudding (made with real pig’s blood ), 1970’s-1080’s Jaguar automobiles, The Lucas Electric Company, The Triumph TR7, optional dentistry or Barrister wigs.
….. The fact is, we suspect that Roger Goodell once owned a very unreliable used Jaguar automobile when he wasn’t so well off attending college. He thought it would get him chicks, but it just drained his bank account and like all Jaguar owners he got to know his mechanic intimately including all his children’s names & birthdays.
….. Foisting Jacksonville on the Brits is typical of Goodell’s vindictive nature and elephantine memory.
….. Although the British haven’t really embraced or adopted the Jaguar football team yet as their own ( many actually expected the team symbol to be a 1961 Jaguar E-Type automobile), they are warming up to them.
….. The Jags’ offence usually produces something each week, but they still lose due to turnovers, inexperience & average defence. The Bills should win, but because of injuries, uncertainty and whatever distractions may have played a roll in the Bills week long residency in England, we have to believe 6.5 points is a lot to cover.
Pick: JAGUARS (+6.5)
Bob: Bills -6.5
………… 1:00 pm, Eastern Time …………
Tampa Bay @ WASHINGTON (-4) 44.5
…… News this week out of Washington that former coach Jim Zorn divided the locker room based along religion. Zorn, a very religious man, openly favoured re-born Christians over other players. This is according to former Washington RB Clinton Portis & TE Chris Cooley.
….. They also claimed Zorn couldn’t answer basic questions about the team’s football strategy. When he was asked why the team was doing certain things on certain plays, Zorn would just respond; “Because that’s what it says in Bill Walsh’s West Coast Playbook.” Then he would tell the players that they should worry more about “Following the right path in their lives, and not football strategy.”
…. It’s no surprise to us that religion divided the locker room of a professional football team, it’s only been dividing the planet for 7,000 years.
….. Current Head Coach Jay Gruden will likely soon be joining Zorn and the long list of former SkinRed coaches accumulated during the Daniel Snyder era. The quarterbacking mess, the team name controversy, the bad drafting & the overall lack of any goodwill between the team and the community have all taken their toll.
….. Tampa Bay comes in off the Bye with the good one week, bad one week rookie #1 overall draft pick Famous Jameis “Deadliest Catch” Winston at QB. So in his last game, 2 weeks ago he played decently in beating Jacksonville 38-31, which means we’ll stick with the trend.
Pick: Maroon Stained Human Trophies (+4)
Bob: Skins +4
Atlanta (-4) @ TENNESSEE 48
…. There certainly are cracks showing in the Falcons’ armour after their 31-21 loss to New Orleans last Thursday.
…. However, 10 days rest coming up against a damaged goods Marcus Mariotta is in the words of Ted Nugent and the superior vocal delivery of Derek St. Holmes:
“This is just what the Doctor ordered.” **
…… Falcons need a rebound game and the fading Titans are unraveling before our eyes.
** From Ted Nugent’s first solo album in 1975 simply titled “Ted Nugent.” After he left the critically acclaimed, influential & legendary Detroit rockers; “The Amboy Dukes” he went to Atlanta’s Sound Pit to quickly record this new sounding record.
…… This is arguably his best album ever. This is from the days when he played controlled, original & unique sounding guitar solos on his hollow bodies that influenced many other players. He let his rhythm guitarist Derek St. Holmes do the vocals on this song and most of the others because he was the superior lead singer. “Stranglehold” was the signature song on this LP. An 8 minute meandering heavy blues based track; equal part menace and groove. His band was tight, talented, even better live and was popular on tour.
….. Later as his career progressed over the next couple of years, he had the semi-novelty monster hit “Cat Scratch Fever” that Ted himself sang vocals on. Ted smelled the green, and on each successive record, Ted started Bogarting the microphone more and more with shallow in-your-face lyrical interpretations of his songs. He also started writing stupider & stupider compositions about partying, the paleolithic zeitgeist of Detroit and lots of self serving yet somewhat truthful drivel about Ted being the craziest loon in America.
….. His stage antics include shooting flaming arrows, swinging on trapezes and Tarzan jumps off the speaker stacks.
….. The quality of the musical work diminished in a quantum manner until he had worn that one trick pony into the ground.
…. Later he became a far right political commentator and radio host. He became the living embodiment of the John Birch Society & National Rifle Association. He then confronted his final destination. He had evolved into the proverbial caricature of himself
…. As with many, his devolution deeper into jingoistic simplicity & unbridled extremism had an inverse effect on his art.
…. Ted Nugent hasn’t written a song worth listening to in about 40 years.
Pick: Falcons (-4)
Bob: Atlanta -4
New Orleans @ INDIANAPOLIS (-5) 52
……. Saints get 10 days rest and the Colts have to deal with the aftermath of the worst fourth down, fake punt, weird formation, bone-head play in Sunday Night Football Memory. So close and yet another one score loss to the Patriots.
….. The fallout all week in Indy has been radioactive. Radio callers comparing the head coach to Rich Kotite though, might be a bit of an exaggeration. Regardless, the “Bataan Death March” through this season for Chuck Pagano continues.
…. Lost in it all is the fact that last week, Andrew Luck came back from injury and played well. The rest of the Colts’ team probably played over their heads and are due for a major letdown after the disappointment. Luck can’t do it alone every week.
….. The rested Saints appear to be on the rise ( we say cautiously).
Pick: New Orleans (+5)
Bob: Indy -5
Minnesota (-1) @ DETROIT 44.5
….. Somehow, Detroit won last week over the Bears. They finally got a favourable touchdown/receiver ruling when Golden Tate’s effort to get in the end zone was ruled a catch! ….. Well it pretty much looked the same as some of the infamous Tyler Eifert, Dez Bryant & Calvin Johnson catches/touchdowns ruled non catches/non touchdowns over the last couple of years. However, the league informs us there were big differences which has only led to more bewilderment.
….. It was so confusing that now we have breaking news!
…. The NFL Owners are pondering the creation of a “Rules Czar.” Opinion amongst the owners varies widely however as to how, if & when this will be accomplished.
…. Just what we need, more bureaucracy in the NFL. Now we can further complicate the rules & structure of the administration by forming yet another committee that will probably take longer to come to a conclusion than the eight different bogus Benghazi hearings in Washington DC.
Pick: Vikings (-1)
Bob: Vikes -1
Pittsburgh @ KANSAS CITY (No Line)
….. No Lines, No Pittsburgh quarterback information, No Jamaal Charles, No reason to watch.
Pick: CHIEFS ( whatever the line)
Bob: KC
Cleveland @ SAINT LOUIS (-4.5) 41.5
….. The NFL is investigating the Johnny Manziel incident last week that led to him being pulled over and charged for several traffic offences. He also may face trouble over domestic charges since this all resulted over an alcohol fueled argument he had while driving with his girlfriend that led to bruises to her arm and the destruction of her cell phone after it ended up being crushed by a tractor trailer after Johnny Football ejected it from the car.
….. This idiot just can’t lay low and bide his time. He is determined to get thrown off this team and out of the league. Some think he might be a good CFL candidate. We doubt it, that would require being humble, patient, learning a whole new game with different rules and staying away from 7.5% alcohol by Volume Premium Canadian Beer. His suspect arm strength would probably lead to a lot of pick sixes on sideline passes on the wider Canadian field.
……. and it’s too bad, the NFL always needs stories, characters & a little controversy. Unfortunately Johnny Tabloid needs to regain his starting role as quarterback for the Browns and win some games first before he starts feeding fodder into the Social Media gossip world.
…… The Browns lost a soul crushing overtime game to Denver & Peyton Manning’s amber alert/milk carton poster missing arm strength.
…… Josh McCown has been good lately, because he is getting protection, ….. but he still made a couple of rushed, inaccurate throws that cost the Browns late in the game and OT against Denver. If Manziel could keep from being suspended, we predict he will play this week.
….. The Browns are crestfallen about the loss to Denver. The hangover theory is in full effect. McCown is 36, beaten up from being hammered by the tough Bronco defensive line & has never before played anything close to a full NFL season.
…… and now they go to Saint Louis where the Rams are coming off the Bye and are hungry & inspired. The NFC West looks wide open again with the Cardinals dropping 2 out of 3 and the Seahawks struggling.
….. Prediction: The fearsome pass rush of the Rams might just end the season for McCown this Sunday. At the least, he will be replaced due to ineffective play in the second half. Mr. Manziel rub your money fingers together and come on down.
….. Mario Andretti Manziel won’t matter though, as the Rams win by their biggest margin all season.
Pick: RAMS (-4.5)
Bob: Browns +4.5
Houston @ MIAMI (-5) 43
….. Borderline Psychopath & Dolphin Head Coach Dan Campbell took his theory of Primeval Coaching to the next level last week. His water mammals went out and convincingly beat the Tennessee Titans in Nashville, 38-10. Maybe some of the members of the Dolphin defense took the new Caveman approach a little too far.
…. DE Olivier Vernon embraced the new concept with gusto but went a little low, ….. star nosed mole low, ….. in tackling Titans’ QB Marcus Mariotta. Marcus left the game, came back wearing a knee brace but was ineffective the rest of the way. The Titans’ called it a cheap shot, Dan Campbell called it progress.
….. However Campbell isn’t so obsessed with his new doctrine as to take it too far in the locker room. When he took over the team two weeks ago, the first thing he did was remove everyone’s belongings from their lockers & reassign all of them to new locations to break up the cliques in the dressing room. ……. All that is except two.
….. The two biggest contracts on the team; QB Ryan Tannehill & DT Ndamukong Suh.
….. Being primordial in your approach to coaching doesn’t mean you have to be stupid.
….. The good news for the Houston Texans is that they played their best game of the year and won last week. …. the bad news is that they beat a young Jacksonville team who lost a couple of key defensive players, shot themselves in the cleats with turnovers, but still scored 20 points & put up over 400 yards of offence against the Texans’ flimsy defence.
….. Attila the Hun Campbell and his Dolphins look good here to continue their improvement, utilize their clear talent edge and cover the 5 points. They are at home, so the fair-weather Miami fans and the pathetic South Florida “C” list celebrities will show up to share in the temporary warming light of success. The Campbell Clan should continue winning till they meet a real challenge.
Pick: DOLPHINS (-5)
Bob: Fins -5
New York J-e-t-s, Jets! Jets! Jets! @ NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) 48
……. The Jets came off the Bye week and pulled away from Washington last week. This week they head to “Swindleboro” Massachusetts to take on Darth Belichick & the Legion of Defrauders. It is the biggest test yet in the young head coaching career of Todd Bowles.
….. This week Tom Brady announced that he would like to play 10 more years. This could mean:
1.) The new “Holistic” regimen he has been following has been exceeding expectations & he feels its upside is limitless. { In the past we heard similar predictions from Lance Armstrong, Eric Gagne & Bill Romanowski }
2.) Long term planning. Ten more years of big contracts with a new collective bargaining agreement on the way is a lot of bread.
….. All Camelots eventually come to an ignominious end, and usually not amicably. ….. California being an equal property rights state when it comes to divorce settlements means you can never have too many fixed or liquid assets to contest future court battles. Even if you think the prenuptial is iron clad & are married to a celebrity super model who currently makes as much or more than you do, litigation can still be expensive, divisive & publicly embarrassing.
3.) The NFL’s inaugural year of testing for HGH has been highly ineffective, improperly administered or clandestinely postponed.
……. Jets follow the Rex Ryan Jet tradition of playing the Evil Empire close.
Pick Jets (+10.5)
Bob: NE -10.5
………….. 4:05 – 4:25 pm Eastern Time ………………….
Oakland @ SAN DIEGO (-5) 47
….. This was once a must see rivalry in the days of Dan Fouts, Ken Stabler, Natrone Means, Marcus Allen, Kellen Winslow & Dave Casper. etc.
….. Now with the seeming reemergence of the Raiders from a 20 year stint in purgatory hell, this is once again a showcase. In fact with only the two late games this Sunday, this one might get the higher ratings & be the much better game than the one between the Cowgirls & Beanstalk dwellers.
… One thing is for sure, the Raiders will be coming in off the Bye with their usual minimum 15-20 thousand fans who show up even in bad years in San Diego. The portable Black Hole will do their usual, cheer on the Silver and Black and debate Chargers’ fans in the parking lot about the merits of the Affordable Care Act.
… This contest is between the two teams vying for the right to play second fiddle in the Southland after they move the franchise in the next couple of years. They will likely be the junior varsity second team to the Saint Louis Rams when they move back to Los Angeles to play on the two tenant field their owner is going to build. Sort of like the LA Clippers being subservient tenants in the Staple Centre under the Lakers.
….. But with the state of the Lakers, that hasn’t worked out too bad for the linear Buffalo Braves.
…. Phillip Rivers threw for over 500 yards last week in Green Bay, …. and still lost. The return of TE Antonio Gates has given him a big target & drawn coverage away from other receivers, but the Charger running game has not been able to balance the air attack.
….. The Raiders are coming in rested off the Bye. This game, like all Charger games has close written all over it.
Pick: Raiders (+5)
Bob: Oakland +5
Dallas @ NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS (-3) 45.5
…. Dallas continues to wait for the return of Romo and the hoped for consummate salvation. The Giants would like to prove last Monday’s collapse against the Eagles was an aberration.
…… Watching this NFC East clash between the Cowboys & Giants will be like watching the Republican National Debates without Donald Trump.
…… Predictable scripted plays sloppily executed by participants lacking in originality. Many mysteriously highly financed parties and backers will not be represented on the actual stage.
….. and there is will be no reasonable hope of a major train wreck to awaken one from the slumber of sitting through it.
Pick: GIANTS (-3)
Bob: Giants -3
………………… 8:30 pm Eastern Time ………………….
Philadelphia @ CAROLINA (-3) 46
…… What an interesting match-up this is. Carolina has played an almost flawless season. They are constantly underestimated by other teams, writers, fans, analysts & even the cheating mathematicians who set the logarithms at Draft Kings & FanDual and offer them up for sale to each other in one of the sleaziest quid pro quo exercises ever.
….. The Eagles look like they could take control of the NFC East. The defense is emerging as the best in the NFC East and causes turnovers.
…… and the offense makes some big plays ( thank you Darren Sproles ).
…. The problem is walking medical tape dispenser and former #1 overall draft pick Sam Bradford. He is one of the worst QB’s in the league at completing third down passes. Also, the whole Eagle offense falters as poorly as any team in the NFL when they hit the red zone. At least they have started to properly use and get some results out of RB DeMarco Murray.
….. At the risk of ourselves once again underestimating the Panthers, we’ll take the points & hope for a close game or a push.
Pick: Eagles (+3)
Bob: Philly +3
…………………. Monday, October 26, 2015 …………………..
………………… 8:30 pm Eastern Time ……………….
Baltimore @ ARIZONA (-8) 49
…… We truly believe in, are convinced of, and relish the demise of John Harbaugh, Joe “The Pocket Calculator” Flacco & the Ravens. For too long we have had to watch this boring team play in prime time games over more deserving teams.
…. The Cardinals have lost 2 out of 3 and need to reestablish their control of the NFC West. Coach Arians was visibly angry after his team’s disappointing effort in Pittsburgh last week.
… We, like many, thought Arians would school his old team, but the unexpected appearance of third string Steelers’ QB Landry Jones obviously caught the Cardinals unprepared. Michael “Doctor Dolittle” Vick went 3/8 for a whopping 6 yards till he hurt his hamstring in the third quarter. Jones came in, threw for 189 yards and 2 touchdowns in less than a quarter and a half.
…… Carson Palmer threw for over 400 yards, but 2 interceptions in the red zone and one fumble killed the Cardinals.
….. The Ravens secondary is just about the worst in the league, tailor made for Palmer and the Cards.
…. We don’t think this will be close.
Pick: CARDINALS (-8)
Bob: Baltimore +8
