(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got. We used to spend a long time editing these things. This year, you’re getting them raw… so enjoy the Canadian “flavour.”)
Sunday, December 13, 2015
…………… 1:00 pm Eastern Standard Time …………….
Buffalo @ PHILADELPHIA (-1) 47
…… In Indonesia, the Justice Minister has recently proposed dealing with the rising prison population by building prisons on remote islands surrounded by thousands of saltwater crocodiles.
…… The only fences at the facilities will be constructed to prevent the reptiles from escaping to the ocean. The crocodiles would be employed as guards and paid in just enough raw chicken so that they would not starve but stay hungry enough to devour any ambitious escapees. This would eliminate the need for human guards who are notoriously corrupt; involved in graft/extortion/smuggling scams and although predictably poorly paid, still cost money in wages and paltry benefits.
……. Of course, the prison guards are only taking a cue from their government leaders.
……. According to the dictatorship that rules the land, this idea for permanent reptile sentries has wide public support.
……. Indonesia is the fourth largest country by population on earth and the largest Muslim country in the world spread out over thousands of islands. It is a massive, overpopulated archipelago besought with poverty, income inequality, corruption and shoddy healthcare.
……. Even totalitarian governments have to strive to meet tight budgets, so solutions like this don’t really surprise us. The hypocritical leaders of Indonesia promote a high incarceration rate, ostensibly to extort money from family members, especially rich foreigners. With Jakarta’s draconian drug laws, history of frame-ups, shakedowns and kangaroo court justice, it is just another reason Western and especially Aussie tourists should scratch Bali off their list of bucket-list must sees.
….. Of course this type of modern Devil’s Island would violate all sorts of United Nations protocols and International Treaties and is unlikely to evolve to the reality stage. At least if it does, it probably won’t be for public knowledge and consumption.
….. Up until last weekend, most Philadelphia Eagles’ fans would have liked to have seen Head Coach Chip Kelly extraordinarily renditioned to Borneo with his luggage laded with meth and a tip-off to customs via Shady McCoy’s Twitter account.
…. But no more! ……. Last week, Mad Scientist Chip Kelly took his troops into New England and beat the Patriots. Oh, they did just about everything they could to blow a 21 point lead in the last five minutes, but the 12 point dog Eagles wound up winning 41-38.
….. Now the NFC East could be theirs again!
…. This game is a big homecoming for Bills’ RB LeSean McCoy, who to say the least has little love for Chip Kelly. He has had this date circled all year and the National mainstream media will be playing up this angle.
…… However, nobody is talking about ex-Bills’ linebacker Kiko Alonso and factoring in his vindictiveness motive for this game. It is quite likely he is going to go Ken Pile Steamroller Revenge against the Buffalo Bills Sunday.
…….. not
Pick: Bills (+1)
Bob: Bills +1
San Francisco @ CLEVELAND (Even) 41
…… Hurray for Us! …. With four games to go we have already been guaranteed that our single over/under prop bet of the year will be a big winner thanks to our brilliant predictions regarding the Cleveland Browns and their complete ineptness.
….. That is correct. After losing their seventh straight, 37-3 at home Sunday and consequently being swept 2-0 in the annual Ohio Bowl Series by the Cincinnati Bengals, the Browns are now 2-10 on the year. That means if they sweep their last four games, they will still be below our predicted Under 6.5 victories for the season.
….. The Browns are now officially the worst team in the NFL (Again!). First eliminated from the playoff picture, worst record, worst roster, worst drafting, worst public relations, worst management, likely worst coaching and worst ownership.
….. We knew the Johnny Manziel soap opera was a powder keg of round beer kegs & square front office directives, but we never imagined the Browns would fall this fast and pay off our big prop bet this prematurely.
…. QB Austin Davis played as well as could be expected on Sunday with the personnel & coaching around him. He was the 24th man to start at quarterback for the Browns since 1999, an NFL record for socialized work sharing.
…… The 37-3 score was actually flattering as the Bengals just tried to run out the clock for most of the second half. Still, this was the worst season series disparity in the 45 year rivalry between the two Ohio cities.
The aggregate two game score was Cincinnati 68, Cleveland 13.
…… Realistically, QB Austin Davis has about as much future with the Browns as Head Coach Mike Pettine. The beleaguered boss locked himself in his office after the game and attempted to avoid the press before he went home. He did sign some autographs before finally escaping into the passenger seat of a getaway pickup truck.
{ I guess they were the rarest form of Philographists. Completest collectors who like to get signatures from all the men who will never be hired again as head coaches in the NFL, ……. or possibly they were Goth disciples involved in NFL fantasy football Dead Pools that predict, monitor and compete to acquire the most memorabilia from the employment casualties in the League each season.}
…… Pettine did Tweet out that he would announce the starting quarterback for this week on Monday. We think that decision had already been made for him. Irate Browns’ owner Jimmy Haslem apparently fumed in his private box during Sunday’s game that Manziel should be put in during the second half of the disastrous loss to the Bengals.
….. Pettine refused to budge, and Johnny “Rub together index finger & opposable thumbs on both hands simultaneously trademark.com” Manziel remained on the bench. He made quite the site, sitting there, draped in his three sizes too big official Browns’ cape. To the casual viewer he resembled a befuddled Alfred E. Newman or George W. Bush caricature; mystified, clueless and bleary eyed to the events unfolding around him.
…… But the knowledgeable fan saw a nascent genius wrapped in a down cocoon of superabundance, biding his time until he finally takes over the worst franchise in the history of professional sport. He is destined to take them to the land of milk & honey behind his idiosyncratic leadership, rewriting all the NFL records for mobile party animal quarterbacks in the process.
….. We expected before the game ended to hear that Johnny Jello-Shots would be announced as the starter for the last four games of the year, possibly via e-mail directed from owner Haslem’s elevated living room overlooking the field.
…. We had to wait a day, but our suspicions were confirmed on Monday when the always reliable, ego-less & all-around-nice-guy Chris Mortensen of ESPN announced this edict as some sort of wild exclusive scoop that only he was privy to.
….. Johnny Joy Powder will have to face the resurgent Niners without two more wide receivers. They finished the Bengals’ game with just two as Marlon Moore & Travis Benjamin were injured. This means Johnny Potent Potable might be throwing to two guys who were healthy scratches last week. Ex Ohio State QB & Raider experiment Terrelle Pryor and monumental former first round bust of the Kansas City Chiefs Dwayne Bowe will be trotting out in front of the Dog Pound to show what they have.
…… What they likely will have is two guys running incorrect pass routes, not getting open, missing blocking assignments on screens and dropping easy catches. Bowe will ingratiate himself to the locker room by constantly reiterating how all his problems were the result of Matt Cassell and Alex Smith deliberately ignoring him when he was constantly open while playing for the Chiefs in Kansas City.
…. For his part, Pryor will bitterly confide to his new Browns’ colleagues that he was a better quarterback than he was treated as in Oakland ( He was ) and that he could easily do a better job than Manziel running the Browns ( He can’t ). He will also tell management he can convince Urban Meyer to take over the running of the franchise and that the Cleveland running woes would all go away if they hired former Ohio State teammate and currently retired halfback Beanie Wells.
…. According to inside sources, Forty Niners QB Blaine Gabbert has conservatively done ten times the preparation & homework that former starter Colin Kaepernick did.
…… The Forty Niners are playing much better as a result of having a quarterback who cares, but this is their second consecutive trip to the Midwest after their overtime win in Chicago last week. The wildcard of Johnny “Ouzo Orgy” Manziel always looms in a game like this with not much on the line for everyone else except him.
….. with no running game, receivers off the practice squad and a team in turmoil, the little bastard finds some way to save his career.
Pick: BROWNS (Even)
Bob: Browns Even
Detroit @ SAINT LOUIS (Even) 41
…. Jeff Fisher, probably in a World War II long distance heavy bomber death spiral to keep his job, jettisoned his Offensive Coordinator this week. Earlier in the year, we questioned OC Frank Cignetti’s qualifications and the sanity of the organizational structure that had a strange three headed monster running the Rams’ offense. The second head of that Gorgon, Rob Boras will now take over the reins.
….. The third, biggest, most inflated and chief head, Jeff Fisher will continue to be head coach and interfere in the offence just enough to make it ineffective, …. just like before.
….. Cignetti had been the quarterbacks’ coach for three years under Fisher and was the personal pick of Fisher, even though he had never run an offence before at any level. The position opened up this year when Brian Schottenheimer left to run the Georgia Bulldogs’ offence into the ground. It was obvious he wasn’t liked by Fisher & GM Les Snead as they helped push him out the door.
…… Well as bad as Schottenheimer the younger may have been in St. Louis and as disappointing as he has been in Athens this year, …….. he had NFL experience and his Ram offense never was half as bad as this year’s incarnation.
….. Rob Boras held the dubious position of Assistant Head Coach in Offence before getting this promotion to Offensive Coordinator. According to insiders, Cignetti always felt someone was looking over his shoulder in the strange three-way arrangement. No kidding. Now according to Fisher, the Rams are going to go with Boras’ football philosophy which is:
…. “Run the ball more, convert third downs and pass effectively when needed.”
….. Wow! …… what innovation, ……that sounds just like the Jeff Fisher philosophy that he has espoused forever and a day. Strange that if he and Boras who share this religion couldn’t have emphasized it more effectively to Cignetti as they made up 2/3 of the Triumvirate.
…. Oh well, cosmetics aside, Rams’ QB Nick Foles is benched again after he appeared to be allergic to the play calling in the 27-3 beat-down by the Arizona Cardinals in St. Louis. That means that QB Case Keenum will return, hopefully recovered from his concussions to lead this sorry mess into battle.
…. Rob Boras hasn’t been a real offensive coordinator for over a decade when he ran the Rebels attack at the University of Nevada Las Vegas which is probably better left forgotten.
…… If this doesn’t work out quick, Medusa itself will be the next skull rolling on the tiles.
…… About time, …… you had a long run Jeff Fisher.
…. Detroit has had 10 days off to get over the worst Hail Mary pass defense in history and the Lions love to play in Domes.
Pick: Lions (Even)
Bob: Lions Pick
New Orleans @ TAMPA BAY (-4) 50.5
….. Sean Payton blew a gasket last week at the missed calls in the narrow 41-38 loss to the Carolina Panthers. We sympathize with him, because he was right.
…. At least the calls weren’t as blatantly bias & suspect to conspiracy theories like ones made against North Carolina in the ACC Championship game against Clemson. What an abomination. Typical of the sleaze that permeates the financial matters that might affect the cream of the College Football crop.
…. However New Orleans, when you suicidally scheme 255 lb. Middle Linebackers to cover WR Tedd Ginn Jr. on deep routes, we have to assume that the defensive philosophy of new DC Dennis Allen is more unhinged or more myopically optimistic than recently fired DC Rob Ryan. Expecting to beat teams with that scheme is beyond understanding.
…. To make things worse for New Orleans, Heisman winner and starting RB Mark Ingram of the Saints is gone for the year. Last week was their last, best shot to salvage something from this lost season. To expect them to do it two weeks in a row is a stretch.
Pick: BUCCANEERS (-4)
Bob: TB-4
Tennessee @ NEW YORK J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS! (-7) 43
…… Tennessee ended their multi year home losing streak at 11 games after winning a wild one last week over Jacksonville. The Jets were more than a bit lucky in beating the self destructing Giants.
…. Titans’ QB Marcus Mariotta can really run. He may have to in this game as the Jets can still smell a wild card berth. We don’t like the big number, but the Jets need this badly.
Pick: JETS (-7)
Bob: TN +7
Pittsburgh @ CINCINNATI (-2.5) 49.5
…. Game of the week, and a nasty AFC Central rivalry to boot. the Bengals actually lead New England and Denver right now in the tiebreakers for the AFC title. The Bengals won a few weeks back in Pittsburgh 16-10, but it was against a really rusty Roethlisberger roughly running the regiment { say that six times really fast } after missing a month.
….. So even though the Steelers lost two weeks ago in Seattle, everybody is focusing on their 45-10 blowout of the Colts last week, and thinks the Steelers are unstoppable. Revenge for the Steelers is the order of the day.
…… Everybody is overlooking the geography of this game.
….. Well, to paraphrase the legendary Sam Wyche: “This game is in Cincinnati, not Pittsburgh!”
….. There is no derailing our “Team of Destiny” for 2015-16.
Pick: BENGALS (-2.5)
Bob: Cincy -2.5
Indianapolis @ JACKSONVILLE (Even) 46
….. Blake Bortles threw five touchdowns last week, a team record, but the Jags still lost.
….. For Indianapolis, last week in Pittsburgh the clock struck midnight, the glass slipper was shattered, drink was mistakenly taken from the pristine vessel and the prescription meds had come home to roost, ……. all signalling the end to the Cinderella relief efforts from Colts’ QB Matt Hasselbeck.
……. Good thing Houston and Jacksonville also lost or the noose would be tightening again around HC Chuck Pagano’s neck. The big question is whether Andrew Luck is going to play.
…. We don’t know, likely not, but this is the biggest game for the faint, slim, hope & wing and a prayer playoff aspirations of the Jaguars.
….. Nobody can ever get a proper feel for the vibe of this borderline Jacksonville team, …… but playing a beat-up, old Colts’ group coming off the late Sunday night massacre favours the Jaguars. The Colts still feel the pressure of blowing their slender division lead & decade long dominance of the AFC South. With that consideration, we’ll go with the New World Big Cats.
Pick: JAGUARS (Even) 46
Bob: Colts Even
San Diego @ KANSAS CITY (-11.5) 45.5
…… As bad as the Charger offense played last week, ……. we still can’t take the Chiefs and that many points.
Pick: Chargers (+11.5)
Bob: SD +11.5
Washington @ CHICAGO (-3) 43.5
….. Little Danny Snyder’s troops blew their chance last week to grab the NFC East by the horns in their sloppy loss to Dallas at home.
…. For 54 minutes that Monday Night mess was coma inducing until the fireworks of mistakes and big plays that ended it. Here’s betting that QB Kirk Cousins and the Bounty Trophies haven’t gotten over it and don’t recover.
Pick: BEARS (-3)
Bob: Chi -3
Atlanta @ CAROLINA (-8.5) 46
…… One has to wonder how this spread is only 8.5 to start the week. Who could possibly believe that the Falcons have a chance. Well, Heavyweight Boxing Champion Vladimir Klitschko lost in his quest to win his 19th title defence a couple weeks ago to Tyson Fury. Could the same occur in this match?
….. Not likely, as Matty Ice and the Falcons continue to regress. Floating aimlessly on a lonely iceberg, drifting further and further from playoff contention with each passing week.
….. Cam “Optimus” Prime Newton really took a shot last week that was completely his own fault. Cruising into the end zone for another touchdown, the mobile quarterback took his eyes off the destination, looked back, smiled, let up to a trot and decided to clown his Saints’ pursuer. He was already planning his latest End Zone Waltz routine when running from the back of the end zone a Saints’ Safety hit him about has hard as a Federal Indictment.
….. Newton was knocked out of bounds inside the one, and many of us watching felt he might not get up. The concussion protocol didn’t even come into effect and he eventually got the Panthers a TD on that drive after a few stupid Saints’ penalties and typical missed coverage assignments.
…. During and after the game, everybody was wondering what the deal was, as Newton clearly was stunned and canaries could be observed circling his helmet.
…… The normally calm Head Coach Ron Rivera went schoolmaster condescension on reporters at the team’s press conference the next day when they dared to do their jobs by asking him about the protocol and Cam’s condition.
…… Wow! ……. Defensive?
….. Even if there are lingering effects on Newton, he probably won’t notice them and they will still coast over the Falcons.
Pick: PANTHERS (-8.5)
Bob: Atlanta +8.5
Seattle (-10.5) @ BALTIMORE 42.5
…… Seattle goes east for the second straight week, but it likely won’t matter, they’ll probably have little trouble with the Ravens. Good teams exterminate this Baltimore lineup that has second and third string cannon fodder starting in every layer.
…… We wouldn’t bet much on this because of the big number, but the Seahawks appear to be finally rounding into playoff form after solidly winning three straight against solid competition and 5 of their last 6 overall.
Pick: Seahawks (-10.5)
Bob: Seattle -10.5
……………… 4:05 – 4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time ………..
Oakland @ DENVER (-8) 43.5
…… Can Jack Del Rio right the ship for the silver and black privateers? Signing WR Michael Crabtree to an extension might be a sign of stability & promote team unity in that it shows Oakland is serious about the future, …… or …… it could cause descension amongst the other malcontents who feel jealous and unappreciated.
….. Well maybe Captain Jack cannot win outright, but the Denver offence under Brock Bunyan didn’t exactly impress anybody last week by only scoring 17 in San Diego against a very average defence and a malfunctioning, self destructive Chargers’ offense.
….. Raiders have a history of pulling upsets in Denver, even when they were the worst team in the NFL.
….. but we just need them to cover 8 points.
Pick: Oakland (+8)
Bob: Oakland +8
Dallas @ GREEN BAY (-7) 42.5
….. Good News for Cowboys’ Defensive end Kevin Hardy & the majority of Dallas fans in the greater Lost Star State area of the Southwest.
….. QVC has announced the launching of a Gun Channel for cable television, to start up in the new year. In the current atmosphere of heightened tension, fear & paranoia, ….. this service is arriving just in time.
….. Don’t worry, there will be precautions in place. Any guns purchased will not be shipped by drone to your front door, where thugs, Avon sales people, homeless wanderers or Syrian refugees could pick off wayward deliveries.
….. They will be shipped to local gun stores, where the paperwork will all have to be meticulously filled out under the scrupulous eye of the vendor. That businessman likely won’t be cutting any corners just to make a profit because usually they are true Patriots, looking out for the best interests & legal requirements of the local, state and federal governments that they love so dearly.
…… Also, don’t be worried if you are on a “No-Fly” list and think that being designated a security risk to the country means you will have trouble picking up that Bushmaster AR-15 semi-automatic that has the military scope, larger calibre barrel adaptation & custom adapter for extended ammo clips. Thanks to recent votes in Congress, even you Mr. potential terrorist, will not be denied your Second Amendment right to bear arms and be part of a regular and well maintained militia.
……. QVC has announced that they will only start broadcasting six hours a day, from 1:00 am to 7:00 am. Apparently, it is so children won’t see it and get bad ideas. These late night/early morning broadcast business hours provide a double edged bonus. This is also the best time to reach the core target market of responsible gun owners.
….. Who else would be awake at 3:30 am and need to fulfill impulsive urges to acquire sophisticated firearms? ……
….. However, they also plan on eventually going to 24 hour a day broadcasts some day in the future. I guess at that point, the entire country will be so desensitized to mass murder that any pretense of protecting the youth of America from unsavoury aspects of the gun culture will have evaporated.
……. That is okay with us, as long as the offspring are protected by the really truly damaging influences that threaten our greater civilization. We pray the FCC continues to protect the innocent youth from the far more damaging demons of sex and nudity by strictly enforcing the 8 second delay on the Super Bowl halftime show. A decade ago, the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction almost permanently sullied an entire generation of our prepubescent progeny.
…… We cannot have a repeat performance of that type of disgusting moral display by the members of Coldplay at this year’s halftime extravaganza.
….. The forecast calls for rain, temperatures in the 50’s little wind and an emotionally tired, short week’s rest Cowboy team losing after a letdown from that crazy Monday Night victory.
Pick: PACKERS (-7)
Bob: GB -7
…………….. 8:25 pm Eastern Standard Time …………………
New England (-3.5) @ HOUSTON 45
…… Due to climate change, it has been 13 months since Vancouver, British Columbia last experienced snow. This is the longest drought in recorded history.
…… This is very similar to the timeline mirroring the last time the New England Patriots didn’t whine after a loss. Usually their post loss modus operandi showcases them as the spoiled Trust Fund babies of the NFL. A role they normally readily embrace.
…… Last week Tom Terrific put it all on himself. He said he had to play better if they were going to win. He said injuries were no excuse.
…. It all rang about as true as a Drew Rosenhaus talent assessment of one of his own clients.
…… Such sanctimonious drivel from the GQ Quarterback.
….. Even the worst Brady-Hater who watches the depleted Patriots’ offence play, knows that Tom is not the problem playing behind that porous line and with those poor backups catching passes. So excuse us Tom, your chivalry rings hollow as a calculated public relations gambit to influence the weak and drooling.
….. Good news in the State of Texas this week. The headlines for once weren’t negative and mindbogglingly 19th Century.
…. They weren’t about controversial matters like military exercises at Fort Hood that might be a rehearsal to take away your guns, ….. or the Succession from the United States Bill that is now up for second reading in the Austin State House. They weren’t even about the new school history textbooks for the entire nation published in Texas that eliminate the word “slavery”, ignore the existence of the KKK, equivocate Creationism with Evolution and downplay the positive contributions of Presidents like FDR and LBJ. They weren’t even about your recent court losses trying to restrict poor people from accessing the Affordable Care Act, Voting Rights or safe birth control.
…. No, the good news is that Texans have identified what the real problem facing the state currently is and they are vowing to solve it. They are concerned that the “Spirit of Christmas” is being hijacked by distractions that are designed to ruin it.
…. The Texas State Government is attempting to prevent the first small group of Syrian refugees from settling in Texas. A Federal District Court Judge has continually ruled against the State in his rulings. These people have been waiting two years, cleared protocols but Texas will have none of it. The Attorney General of Texas said they don’t trust the Federal Government’s vetting process and think human terrorist time bombs have been planted amongst the refugees. However, the State refused to provide any proof or examples.
…. The Attorney General did say that the anxiety surrounding this issue was causing great consternation amongst the public and was tarnishing the upcoming Holidays by preventing Texans from learning about the true meaning of Christmas and its religious origins.
…. He is correct. What could possibly distract people more from celebrating the meaning of the Christmas story surrounding the birth of Jesus Christ your Saviour than having to provide shelter, food and respite to wandering homeless people from the Middle East.
….. In Norway the word “Texas” now is now synonymous with the word “Crazy” or “Over the Top.” It appears everywhere in their Society and Pop Culture. Pizza places advertise “Insane Two for One nights because we have gone completely Texas!” Car dealerships announce end of the year “Texas sales” where no reasonable offer is refused.
….. Night Clubs promote Texas themed raves where people are encouraged to dress in costume. Many show up as cowboys, big mouthed politicians, plastic surgically altered sports team owners, climate change denying scientists & murdered abortion providers wandering about the flashing lights as resurrected zombies.
….. Houston is now undeniably the best team in Texas. So J.J. Watt, suck it up with that broken wrist and let’s go:
“Texas” ……… and win over New England for all the Norwegians who understand your State better than anyone else.!!!!
Pick: ( Texans +3.5 )
Bob: Texans +3.5
…………….. Monday, December 14, 2015 ………………
……………. 8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time ……………………
New York Football Giants @ MIAMI (Even) 46.5
….. Early in the year, the Water Mammals fired their feckless Head Coach Joe Philbin. They experienced a two game winning streak under the emotional leadership of Rift Valley Throwback Dan Campbell. After that initial high wore off, they lost four out of five, their only win a one point victory over Philadelphia.
….. So two weeks ago they tried to find lightning in a bottle twice and fired Offensive coordinator Bill Lazor. Of course, part of the reason was that the Dolphins had gone 0-21 on third down prior to his release.
….. It worked! …….. Sunday they went out and beat the always beatable Baltimore Ravens, but only by a score of 15-13 in front of a sparse home crowd.
…… Don’t know if he is from the University of Mars, but it was great to see Giants’ DE Jason Pierre Paul out there attacking the pocket again. When Mr. Otis Sistrunk played for the old Oakland Raiders, he regularly wore an oversized cast on his forearm and hand claiming chronic injury. Opponents and some teammates said it contained lead and was especially hardened so that it functioned as a massive cave man club that was successfully functional & further intimidated blockers who already were reluctant to engage with the massive Defensive End. [ At 6’6″ and about 275 pounds he would be big by contemporary standards, but was exceptionally large by 1970’s benchmarks.
…… At least we know that JPP has a legitimate medical reason for his cast after his disastrous close-up encounter with the miracle of fireworks ignition.
…… As a further precaution to prevent Jason from falling victim to PTSD, the Giants have made additions to the list of movies, songs & cultural references that are banned around team functions.
…. “Born on the Fourth of July” has been banned by Head Coach Tom Coughlin as an inspirational choice at team film night or as an in-flight movie during road trips.
…… Giants win with more Giants’ fans in the stands by the end of the game than Miami ones.
Pick: Giants (Even)
Bob: Giants Even
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