Shut up, shut up. I don’t care if it was a good trade or a bad trade. I mean, the trade was made with the goalie that based his career on wearing mattresses on his legs so it had to be a good trade, right?
Wait, don’t answer that. I said I don’t care and I don’t. I’m not even paying attention. Who said that? What’s a Sabre?
Do they have to keep trading away my favorite guy? I know that you knew he was being traded. This wasn’t a surprise. He was still my favorite guy and the only thing this team has ever done is trade my favorite guy.
Care to walk down the emotionally-draining memory lane with me?
Mike Foligno
“Hey! That guy jumps when he scores! I like him. When I’m doing breakaway challenge in my driveway with a tennis ball and a stick with a plastic blade worn down so far we call it a butter blade, I’m going to be Mike Foligno! He’s my favorite!”
Traded to Toronto
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Mike Ramsey
“Hey! That guy slides into front of shots in November! He’s got a moustache. My Dad likes him. He was in a commercial for the Crystal Beach Comet with Mike Foligno! He seemed nice when I met him in Tops! He’s a captain. I hope he retires as a Sabre and they hang his jersey in the rafters of the Aud next to the 4,000 abandoned Mylar balloons.”
Traded to Pittsburgh
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Alexander Mogilny
“Holy Cow! That guy’s the fastest thing I’ve ever seen! I don’t even care if he doesn’t fly and that I saw him chain-smoke 400 cigarettes in 12 minutes when I was at a Junior Prom in the Hilton, he scored 76 goals in a season! He’s on Sports Center every night, and they hate hockey! He’s my favorite Sabre ever! I have 7 posters of him on my wall and every article in every magazine that mentions Alexander Mogilny. I draw pictures of him scoring goals. I’m gonna name my next dog Moggy!”
Traded to Vancouver
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Dominic Hasek
“Hey, look! It’s the best goalie to ever play ice hockey!”
Traded to Detroit
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Vaclav Varada
“That guy couldn’t score a goal if you placed a puck on the goal line, tied him to the front of a truck and drove the truck into the net but, man does he hit every one. I love Vaclav Varada. Why does he use a stick? It gets in the way of the hitting. I wonder if Vaclav Varada gets on the bus and just starts throwing people around for fun. Look at how much Alexi Yashin hates him. I hate Alexi Yashin and his stupid turtle necks and Alexi Yashin hates Varada, therefore, I love Varada!”
Traded to Ottawa
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Thomas Vanek
“Hey! Look! It’s the only thing about watching this team that doesn’t make me want to fill my mouth with lit road flares and jump off a building into a swimming pool full of gasoline!”
Traded to NY Islanders
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Draft picks are awesome. I’m not arguing. I don’t even want to talk about the Sabres. Talking about the Buffalo Sabres is like deciding which end of your body you’d want lowered into a hay baler first. What difference does it make?
