(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got.)
Sunday, November 24, 2014
Bye Week Teams: Pittsburgh, Carolina
1:00 pm Eastern Standard Time
Montreal Alouettes @ HAMILTON TIGER CATS (-3.5) 47
This Eastern CFL Final features the two hottest teams in the League.
The Buffalo connection is basic. The Alouettes of Wall of Fame Legend Marv Levy versus the Tiger-Cats of Luke Tasker, son of Steve.
We all know that Steve Tasker was easily the most popular Buffalo Bill of all time. That is why we see him hawking every product, service & restaurant in Western New York that comes across his agent’s desk. Like some form of mutant Ed McMahon/Hank Kingsley pitchman, Steve is relentless & omnipresent in his quest to direct us to that select group of quality commercial products that are essential to make our lives fulfilling. The “Select Group” now numbers in the hundreds but who is counting.
Marv Levy is a legendary coach, but we don’t like his old team here. They lost in this very stadium two weeks ago in a game that could have earned them a bye. Over a dozen NFL scouts will be on hand to check out Alouettes wide receiver Duron Carter, Ohio State alum & son of NFL great Chris Carter.
Hamilton has not lost at the new Ivor Wynne stadium, sorry Tim Horton field since it opened a third of the way into this season & now is not the time to start.
Luke Tasker is a very reliable receiver & favourite target of Tiger-Cat QB Zach Collaros the former standout from the University of Cincinnati.
We won’t buck momentum & the 3.5 point spread is less relevant in the CFL where there are a multitude of safeties, singles, two point conversions, rouges & deviant onside punting methods to score points, … so the derivatives of 7 & 3 betting pattern is often irrelevant.
“Oskee Wee Wee, Oskee Wa Wa, Holy Mackinaw Tigers, Eat Em Raw!”
Pick: TIGER-CATS (-3.5)
Bob: TIGER-CATS -3.5
Cleveland @ ATLANTA (-3) 47
“Flash” Gordon is back at wide receiver for the Browns after a lengthy suspension.
Note to “Flash.” Georgia is not a very enlightened State. Many activities can lead to trouble, be misinterpreted and end up getting resolved by any of an array of their really progressive police forces.
The night before the game, please follow these steps: Do not attend any strip clubs in Buckhead, do not make it rain, do not smoke any cannabis, do not engage with any form of female escort, do not pass go, …. please go to bed early and consume some warm milk and digestive biscuits to help you sleep. ……..
Hoyer and the boys need a win to stay close in the extremely competitive AFC North. The Falcons still have a chance to win the “Sick Man of Europe” NFC South Division. Of course this might not matter since all the NFC South teams will probably lose anyway this week & the Falcons will still have a shot next week, and the next week, and the week after that.
Only Carolina won’t lose since they are on the Bye and Cam Newton has been checked into a Transformers garage for a rebuild.
Pick: FALCONS (+3)
Bob: ATLANTS +3
Tennessee @ PHILADELPHIA (-11) 48
Three most amazing things to happen recently.
1.) The European Space Agency successfully lands a space probe on a moving comet.
2.) The media & politicians spread pre-election hysteria of Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds” radio broadcast proportions regarding the Centre for Disease Control and President Obama’s handling of the Ebola Virus situation despite the fact that to date: O.J. Simpson has [ allegedly ] killed exactly the same number of people as the virus has on United States soil.
{ Estimates are for at least 60,000 people to die from influenza this year in the United States along with 5,500 from texting while driving & of course, 10,500 via guns. Despite our prediction regarding Danny Snyder’s demise last week, ……. 0 [ ZERO ] by spontaneous combustion. }
3.) Chip Kelly plans to win the NFC East behind the efforts of “The Human Hand Grenade” Matt Sanchez playing quarterback for the Eagles.
Now that was the old Mark Sanchez we saw last Sunday leading the Eagles to one of their worst losses in history, … 53-20 on the semi frozen tundra in Green Bay. The two legged beaker of Nitroglycerin with wings on his helmet imploded, exploded & decomposed, yet still managed to throw for over 300 yards & a couple of touchdowns. However he got hit a lot, picked off twice, missed a lot of easy throws and got a lot of the yards late when the Packers first stringers were yukking it up on the sidelines making plans for post game quilting bees.
However, the die is cast on how to beat Sanchez and the Eagles. Just move a flaxen haired, roided up Viking from Rush End to FLNBC Linebacker { Free Lance Nomad Biker Chapter Linebacker } and have him threaten Mark with blitzs, false rushes, kangaroo leaps over the Centre/Guards and have him continually direct unintelligible verbal threats across the line.
So in this game, we expect to see Tennessee head coach Ken Wisenhut & defensive coordinator Ray Horton design a detailed game plan around:
1.) Defensive front seven players enrolling in a crash course of voluntary injections of Russian manufactured “Full Size MGF” muscle growth agent.
2.) Samoan Defensive End Ropati Pitoitua bleaching his extensive hair locks yellow.
3.) Mandatory attendance for all defensive players to attend three cram session meetings this week. They will all practice yelling select insults cultivated around specific low-light highlights taken from Mark Sanchez’s extensive back catalog discography filmed during his New York Jets’ salad days.
We’ll take the adult film star wannabe quarterback and the Titan Oilers. Zach Mettenberger may have lost last week against Roethlisberger in the Oktoberfest Quarterback Bowl, but it was only by 3 points and he showed promise.
The die is cast, and unless Chip Kelly promotes practice squad all star Quarterback G.J. Kinnie to the big league roster this week and he gets in the game, the Titans will be competitive and might just win outright.
Pick: Titans (+11)
Bob: Titans +11
Detroit @ NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) 48
After that Jackson Browne “Running On Empty” Detroit offence reared its head again last week in Arizona, one fact becomes unavoidable. Matt Stafford is now 0-16 against winning teams on the road for his career. As much as we would like to take our “Team of Destiny” here, we just don’t think they have the horses to stay close in Foxboro.
Head Coach Jim Caldwell just doesn’t take chances, and as a result the conservative chains that enslave the Lions’ offence are becoming more apparent as the year wears on & your defence doesn’t keep you in every game.
New England is the San Antonio of the NFL, boring at times but continually effective. Featuring Fabio Brady at QB and the mutant adventures of the Polish Godzilla at TE & a never-ending carousel of replacement skill position players that always produce.
A big boost for the Patriots is the emergence of previously unknown stand-up comedian/running back Jonas Gray who almost individually wiped out the Colts last week. William Belichick, always one to double down, signed Method Man-Cheech Marin RB LeGarette Blount as insurance this week after he was released from the Steelers after pouting and taking his own personal “time-out” during the Pittsburgh win over Tennessee.
Blount has already played with New England last year, so the Double B has no qualms that he can control him.
If I were RB Stephen Ridley, I’d hire a real estate agent.
Pick: PATRIOTS (-7.5)
Bob: Detroit +7.5
Green Bay (-11) @ MINNESOTA 49.5
Hanging Judge Goodell handed down the SMU death penalty on Adrian Peterson this week, suspending him for the rest of the year without pay. Based on what legal premise? … Who knows? … Who cares? …. He definitely is pursuing his own agenda and his explanation made no logical sense other than he was obviously playing public relations and has decided that collectively bargained guidelines don’t really exist.
We’re surprised Pharaoh Ramses Goodell didn’t ask for the life of Adrian’s first born male child as well. However under the circumstances, that kind of Biblical irony would have been too much for the NFL spin doctors to have handled properly.
With all the bad news that Adrian Peterson got this week, a ray of hope.
Bill Cosby’s life long odyssey wrestling with the puzzling concept of “Mutually conscious sexual consent” has taken priority at the top of the media food chain regarding the criminal/sexual exploits of celebrities.
So Adrian Peterson’s public relations driven attempt to join and his subsequent application rejection from “Big Brothers/Big Sisters” has been buried on the back pages.
The Vikings this year are reliving the Bud Grant days of outdoor home games with outside temperatures colder than Green Bay. A decent defensive scheme, good coaches & a promising young QB mean the Norsemen keep this closer than people expect.
Pick: VIKINGS (+11)
Bob:Green Bay -11
Jacksonville @ INDIANAPOLIS (-14.5) 50.5
A bright spot for the Colts in their horrible “Coming of Age” loss to the Patriots last Sunday night was OT Anthony Castanzo’s Touchdown dance that had everyone speculating what exactly it was he was imitating and/or communicating last week. It was truly shocking that Al Michaels & the Ken Jennings know-it-all of colour commentators, Chris Collinsworth could not discern the origins of Mr. Castanzo’s end-zone rug cutting.
The strange hybrid routine of arm flailing & knee wobbling was obviously a tribute to the Hindu Goddess Kali.
The Goddess Kali symbolizes death, destruction and the annihilation of evil forces. Mr. Castanzo was obviously performing an interpretative celebration encompassing the physical embodiment of Kali celebrating her victory over the demon Raktabija. She did this by sucking all the blood from his body and physically eating and crushing his minions.
However, he also could have been doing a version of the much later and more destructive frenzy dance that Kali did after becoming drunk from the consumption of blood after killing all her enemies and becoming subsequently impaired by the intoxicating effects of power. She was only stopped from destroying the entire universe when, depending on what version you choose to belief, she was stopped by her husband, the God Shiva who lay in front of her, or at the intervention of many other Gods who feared that even they would perish if the dance continued. …..
Lucky for us.
Well, the dance didn’t work against the Patriots & the planet is still spinning but it may have shaken up the mid-west weather patterns & started the mini ice age that headed west towards Buffalo.
Memo to Mr. Castanzo: “Please stop dabbling in the darker arts.”
Memo to the Jaguars: If Anthony Castanzo is Tackle Eligible on any Red Zone excursions on Sunday please double or triple team him. If that fails and he scores, beat him, tackle him, Andrew Golota him, or take any of a thousand more drastic measures to stop him and reset the space time continum.
Colts get back on track, but the spread is too high.
Pick: Jaguars (+14.5)
Bob: Jaguars +14.5
Cincinnati @ HOUSTON (-1.5) 44
Revenge game for the Bengals after losing two straight playoff games to the Texans. No Matt Schaub at QB this time, Ryan Mallett is running things for Houston. ….
Maybe the best game of the day, from a competitive-who the hell knows which Bengal team will show up point of view.
Coin flip time: Heads! ……
Bengals win yet again when nobody expects it. They are healthier than they have been for months and Marvin Lewis and his staff have probably been watching the film of Mallet & the Texans’ win over the Browns last week and have probably noticed that he is not the second coming of Johnny Unitas but more likely the second coming of Scott Mitchell.
Pick: Bengals (+1.5)
Bob: TEXANS -1.5
New York J-e-t-s, Jets! Jets! Jets! @ BUFFALO (-4) 40
Due to the present weather conditions that have dumped an instant glacier on Buffalo courtesy of the 240 mile long Lake Erie express lane that occasionally brings the city the phenomena of excessive lake effect snow, this game has been moved to Monday night in Detroit.
On the bright side, both Reverend Pat Robertson & enlightened climate denier Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma ( Chairman of the new Senate’s Science & Environment Committee!!! ) this week have cited the situation in Buffalo as evidence that global warming does not exist.
Sigh ….
Failing to understand the basic tenets of the scientific method & the concept that “Global Climate Change” involves radical extremes in shifting weather patterns & events is conceivably forgivable.
But willful neglect of facts to please corporate donors, warped religious protocols, and political agendas through the self serving action of purposely spreading misinformation to promote convenient ignorance is not.
This game is going to be played in Detroit on Monday night due to the Ralph being encased in an iceberg. Comforting for the Bills will be the fact that as bad as things are in Buffalo, they aren’t as bad as the devastation they will see in Detroit. Buffalo will reboot, rebuild & retool.
Detroit has not really recovered or meaningfully rebuilt anything since the 1968 riots. This is why the Motor City looks worse than Beirut and is probably less safe.
Amazingly, Detroit has been a designated “War Zone” longer than the Lebanese capital. Beirut “The Paris of the Mediterranean” fell off the face of the earth after the start of the civil war in 1975 which has really never ended.
Okay, we’ll just say it.
BUFFALO STRONG!
… and the Bills have already won on this real estate this year, beating the Lions. The players carry DC Jim Schwartz off the field again like a winning boxer at Caesar’s Palace.
Pick: BILLS (-4 )
Bob: BILLS -4
Tampa Bay @ CHICAGO (-6) 46.5
Betting on Jay Cutler & the Bears is akin to standing on the roof of your house, throwing $100.00 bills into the wind and hoping that they will end up at the bank and pay off your mortgage.
Pick: BEARS (-6)
Bob: Bears -6
4:05 pm – 4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time
Arizona @ SEATTLE (-6) 42.5
After last week’s showdown win over Detroit, Cardinals’ Coach Bruce Arians changed headgear & wore a stylish Cardinals baseball cap at the post game press conference. He is a man who is not afraid to buck a good luck trend that had obviously brought good juju & put Arizona on their current winning streak, ….
He ditched the French beret that that made him look like a taller, pudgier Toulouse Lautrec, trolling the Champs Elysees attempting to lure unsuspecting dancing girls from the Folies Bergere to his artist’s loft apartment for free painting & modelling lessons.
If they win in Seattle this week, maybe he’ll don another new hat. A tribute to the Northwest; a combination lumberjack-fisherman’s slicker hat featuring obscene shaped plastic Geoducks.
The appearance of this millinery masterpiece will be misinterpreted and offend Saint Sulpitius the Pious Goodell & he will probably place Arians on another super secret list of sins & sinners that nobody has ever heard of.
Pick: SEAHAWKS (-6)
Bob: SEAHAWKS -6
Saint Louis @ SAN DIEGO (-5.5) 44
It’s maybe a little late for the Rams to make the playoffs, but Jeff Fisher is happy with his veteran Shaun Hill at QB and the win over Peyton Manning and his robot nation last week. Of course, conservative Fisher has allowed Hill to run four times as many different plays as youngster Austin Davis, so the opposing defenses aren’t virtually always in the Rams huddle anymore.
The Raiders almost beat the Chargers last week & San Diego fans are concerned. Hopefully it is all the result of a confusing internet hoax last week that distracted the Chargers.
All San Diego players were sent fake e-mails from Charger management requesting them to sign up for a Bridle Registry with a posh Rodeo Drive Jeweller in Beverly Hills and pick an item between $25,000 – $75,000 for Charles Manson’s upcoming wedding.
Tough game to predict, but the Chargers aren’t creaming anyone. The points are a gift.
Pick: Rams (+5.5)
Bob: San Diego -5.5
Miami @ DENVER (-8) 50.5
The last few games, Peyton Manning’s age is starting to show. First in New England & then Saint Louis. The anointed one showed some chinks in his armor that maybe are the result of the inevitable & irreversible march of time. His throwing accuracy is wavering, but worst of all, his limbs look stiff and unresponsive when he attempts to maneuver in the pocket. At times he looks less like the greatest quarterback of all time and more like Ray Bolger shuffling down the Yellow Brick Road to the Screen Actor’s Guild retirement home.
The Dolphins usually don’t like the cold, but their record in freezing and near freezing temperatures has been better in the last few years. Game time weather forecast: 35 degrees Fahrenheit with noticeable wind.
It’s a sad fact, but we all know that Peyton needs unreliable WD-40 penetrating oil injections to unseize his joints in these temperatures.
Also of note, the Broncos’ Defence is crumbling lately, but the offense has also lost their top two running backs in Monte Ball & Ronnie Hillman. As a result two inexperienced running backs, C.J. Anderson & Juwan Thompson have to continue to learn the ridiculously complex Peyton Manning offense which they are struggling with. This Offense is more labyrinthine & convoluted than the Enigma Code and takes a long time to learn.
This results in missed blocking assignments, unsure carries approaching the line & bad pass route running from out of the backfield.
Pick: Dolphins (+8)
Bob: DENVER -8
Washington @ SAN FRANCISCO (-9) 45
The situation enveloping the Washington football team after their 27-7 loss last week continues to deteriorate. ….. What a mess! ….. but it could have been messier. …. No sign of Washington owner & Head Hobbit Daniel Snyder after the humiliating face slapping by the Tampa Bay Bucs last week, rumour has it that he left the stadium early. Good thing! … because we predicted he might spontaneously combust if they lost this “Can’t possibly Lose” game at home against the St. Petersburg Pacifist Pirates.
What a sight at the post game press conference, ….. Robert Griffin III wearing an Elmer Fudd hat, looking exactly like Eddie Murphy portraying the fake, blind & legless veteran begging for change on the streets of Philadelphia in “Trading Places.” Then you were supposed to take him seriously when he gave yet another self-serving, confusing speech about teamwork & sort of/quasi taking some responsibility for his poor play.
Later, head coach Jay Gruden { who usually says next to nothing } took a really brave and calculating tact in responding to Robert Griffin’s press conference. He shot a few volleys over the Heisman winner’s bow. He said Bob Griffin should worry about his throwing motion, leadership skills, footwork, balance mechanics, decision making processes & practice habits. The only thing he didn’t criticize was his ridiculous haberdashery choices.
{ Probably this little explosive lecture came about after getting extensive prompting from his older brother on how to take on management through the media and still preserve your career. Eminence Grise Supremo and Monday Night Migraine John Gruden can’t appreciate the criticism & lack of success of his sibling. This is tarnishing the the intumescent football legacy he cultivates for the family name. }
With RG III still supposedly being the choice of the owner Daniel Snyder, we’ll see if Jay Gruden soon joins the long list of ex coaches who have passed through the District of Columbia during the disastrous era of the little one’s ownership.
In San Francisco, things have calmed down a bit regarding all the talk around Jim Harbaugh’s job situation. Recent wins have everyone thinking the playoffs are a realistic possibility. For the time being, Harbaugh can stop watching X-Men movies and calling the ASPCA on a weekly basis to see if they have any wolverines available for adoption.
Pick: FORTY NINERS (-9)
Bob: SF-9
4:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
CFL Western Final
Edmonton Eskimos @ CALGARY STAMPEDERS (-7) 48.5
This is the Battle of Alberta, or The Battle of Wild Rose Country, or the Battle of God’s Country or logically, if you’ve been reading between the lines, The Battle of North Texas.
Notwithstanding the rivalry factor, …… this should be the easiest game of the day to pick. Calgary is healthy, have had a week off and have been the best and most consistent team in the CFL this year.
Edmonton has a bunch of injuries and struggled for the second half of the year. With their best player & starting quarterback’s status up in the air they are a poor risk. Mike Reilly will play but whether he will start or how effective he will be is speculative. If he was 100% we might like the Eskimos to cover even though they have lost all three games this season to Calgary.
Stamps make it 4-0 over the Eskies, …. in the bitter cold, …. in a walk…..
Pick: STAMPEDERS (+7)
Bob: Edmonton -7
8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
Dallas (-3.5) @ NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS 48
Eli Manning & the Little Giants played really badly last week, but still almost beat the Niners. New York had four chances from the five yard line to win the game late, but four consecutive moronic fade passes into the End Zone fooled nobody.
All this despite Eli Manning throwing FIVE !!!! interceptions in the game. One more, and all the fans attending would have received a free bridge or tunnel pass to head home to Gotham.
( Not valid if New Jersey Governor Chris Christie orders a blockade, last minute construction or traffic study on any of the viaducts linking the Garden & Empire States. )
We’ll hold our breath, take the hook and hope Romo doesn’t get hit hard or suffer from the cold. … On second thought ……
Pick: GIANTS (+3.5)
Bob: GIANTS +3.5
Monday, November 25, 2014
8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
Baltimore @ NEW ORLEANS (-3) 50
The Ravens are in a fight for their life in the AFC North. Their division mates presented a template for how to beat the Saints last week. The Bengals hit TE Jimmy Graham early, late & often last and he became impotent. The Ravens are coming in off the bye and all signs point to a win.
However, even though promising rookie WR Brandin Cooks is gone for the year for the Saints, we see a silver lining. The Saints never lose two in a row at home and they can’t lose six “must win games” this year.
Pick: SAINTS (-3)
Bob: Baltimore +3
