(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got.)
Editor’s note: Due to time constraints, this week’s picks are unedited, unformatted, and, at times, unreadable. You get what you pay for.
Bye Week Teams: Dallas, New York Jets, Jacksonville, Baltimore
1:00 pm Eastern Standard Time
Minnesota @ CHICAGO (-3) 47.5
….. The Bears are playing really badly. They appear to be attempting a late season drive to tank for the number one draft pick presently playing for the Erie Otters’ of the OHL. Unfortunately they are in the wrong sport & anyway, Connor McDavid hurt his hand in an on-ice dust-up this week, thus reigniting the entire hockey fight debate.
….. This pits hockey hating Ikebana enthusiasts, pacifists, most journalists who never were, are or could be athletes & this huge cacophonous mass who always say they would become really, really, really big, loyal hockey fans if they just weren’t so outraged at the sight of violence in professional sports & so squeamish at the sight of blood. They also think that a 30 team league featuring over-sized goalie equipment, open ice of crawl space proportions & hundreds of power-plays can play fight free games with the excitement of the Olympics & sustain domestic interest year round.
….. They are opposed by the Neanderthals, Original Six traditionalists, Don Cherry militarists and 84% of Canadians who cling to the notion that one-on-one bare knuckle fisticuffs encompass a unique noble custom consummate with the divine rituals of 18th Century French pistol & foil dueling.
… All of this is irrelevant to the Chicago Bears of course, but a friendly reminder to Windy City football fans that hockey season is here along with basketball season, …. the Blackhawks are really good, and have won two Stanley Cups in the last four years, …. and so far the Bulls look really good too this season, since Derrick Rose has yet to hit the canvas like Duane Bobick with yet another season ending injury.
{ although warning signs to the Bulls’ ultimate success appeared this week when the philosopher king, futurist & part-time point guard Jules Verne Schopenhauer Rose mused that he was looking to the future & was taking games off this year so he could attend his children’s graduations twenty years from now. ….. Huh? …. It’s your legs and not head injuries that have derailed your career recently Derrick. Although with ill conceived remarks like that, you have to wonder if your skull may have hit the rim a few too many times doing those practice dunks you wouldn’t let anyone film during your extended goldbricking layoff sessions for fear that the hard working fans of Chicago would see what a fraud you have become.
You have collected exactly 37 million dollars for playing exactly 10 games over the last couple of years. And if you are concerned that you won’t be able to walk in your retirement, relax. Retired NBA veterans don’t usually end up prematurely in wheel chairs. They are far more likely to battle poverty, drug addiction & depression due mostly to lack of retirement planning. I’m sure you have a decent Health Insurance Plan & with the money you have stolen from the Bulls, you will be able to pay for any modern medicine miracle or medical procedure that exists on earth to maintain your quality of life.
…. If it doesn’t work out however, and your mobility is somewhat limited when you are in your fifties, ……take heart Sergeant York Rose, ….. my crippled great grandfather managed to attend my University Graduation in a wheelchair, …. and he was 92. }
…… In Minnesota Vikings news, still no word on Adrian Peterson”s status since his plea bargain settlement in Texas. Grand Poobah Goodell is procrastinating as predicted, …. just hoping for the problem to go away. More bad news for Doctor Benjamin Spock Peterson this week, …… his membership in Neighbourhood Watch was permanently revoked.
We like the Bears in this game. Quarterback whisperer Marc Trestman still can’t Vulcan Mind Meld with his Marlboro Man pivot Jay Cutler, but he may have solved one major offensive problem.
…. This week, Trestman informed the Bears’ offensive line that although Illinois does not have anywhere near as liberal a “Stand Your Ground” law as Florida, it is still legally okay to pass block for your quarterback.
Pick: BEARS (-3)
Bob: BEARS -3
Houston @ CLEVELAND (-3) 42.5
…… You would think that the Hoyer-Manziel quarterback debate would be over by now, ….. but no. Local boy Hoyer has really played well, even humiliating the hated Bengals last week on prime time television. But Browns’ owner and Ohio Godfather Jimmy Haslem prefers Johnny Manziel and has directed the management to not extend a contract extension to Hoyer.
….. Barring a loss of ownership of the Browns due to the possible pending Federal Indictments against this conceivable truck stop racketeer, Hoyer is probably screwed. It is unlikely that commissioner Goodell is going to start disciplining allegedly crooked owners like he does players if they achieve too much media attention.
….. Ryan Mallett is going to start this week for the Texans. Proud Arkansan, born in Batesville Arkansas. Maybe he can be the first University of Arkansas Razorback besides Tarvaris Jackson & ex Buffalo Bill Joe Ferguson to have an NFL career of any length.
…. However, the game time weather report calls for frigid temperatures and snow. Ryan Mallett may not have seen either of those things in his life. Unless you count the time during a family vacation trip to Branson, Missouri that he strayed into Whitney Houston’s dressing room.
Pick: BROWNS (-3)
Bob: BROWNS -3
Seattle (-1) @ KANSAS CITY 43.5
….. Do the Seahawks have their groove back? They ran for over 350 yards against the gentle Giants last week, but Russell Wilson who is a huge part of that, continues to struggle with the air attack. Wide receiver Percy Harvin may have been a Rae Carruth – Ted Bundy in waiting pain-in-the-ass, but the consequences of his mid-season trade to Washington and the management decision to not resign Golden Tate in the off season have both come home to roost.
….. Seattle may be a rushing colossus, but the Chiefs don’t give up rushing touchdowns, … NONE! ZERO! NADA!…… including last week when they mugged Bills’ running back Bryce Brown several yards from heading into the end zone with a surprise punch out of the ball.
…. Seahawks love the rain but don’t fly well in the snow, …. and it should be a really cold, typical Kansas City autumnal/winter afternoon.
Gary Glitter all afternoon. “Chiefs, Chiefs, CHIEFS! CHIEFS! CHIEFS!
Pick: CHIEFS (+1)
Bob: Seahawks -1
Atlanta @ CAROLINA (-3) 47.5
…… Last Monday night, Cam Newton was almost de-boned by the Eagles’ pass rush. He was sacked more than Anglo-Saxon monasteries were after the Viking invasion of England.
….. Matty Ice and the Falcons are hot. They just defeated the always tough Lovie Smiths in Tampa, so this game should be no problem as they head back to their perch on top of the always contentious NFC South.
….. Ha, ha, ha, …… I wouldn’t bet on this game with Monopoly money, but Superman looked like he had been sucker punched by Lex Luthor last Monday night in Philadelphia. The short week to recover will hurt the Panthers.
Pick: Falcons (+3)
Bob: CAROLINA -3
Cincinnati @ NEW ORLEANS (-7) 51
….. Tough loss for the Saints last week at home against San Francisco, ….. a game winning touchdown Hail Mary catch by TE Jimmy Graham to win the game for New Orleans was overruled by a call of offensive pass interference against Graham. He did push off, it probably was a penalty in this seasons’ NFL experimentation with flag football regulations, but the contact was slight.
…… Forty Niner defensive back Perrish Cox sold the foul with a reactive performance that should have gotten him flagged for Keanu Reeves level acting. Cox went down after Graham’s fingers appeared to brush against his upper arm. Witnessing his body hit the turf, one could be forgiven for thinking that Charles Joseph Whitman was perched in a sniper nest in the upper rafters of the Superdome.
…. Andy Dalton & the Bengals should thank the Grid Iron Gods for Jay Cutler, the Bears, Cam Newton & the Panthers. Their collective performances made most fans forget the Cincinnati “Frosty the Snowman in a giant Microwave Oven” meltdown last Thursday night against Cleveland.
…. This is a purrrrrfect place for the Bengals, …. an early game with little national attention, …. they should bounce back and keep it close, as the Saints very seldom blow anyone out, …….. except Green Bay in prime time.
Pick: Bengals (+7)
Bob: Bengals +7
Tampa Bay @ WASHINGTON (-7) 45.5
….. If the Native American Proof of Bounty via Body Parts don’t win this game against a team that is destined for demotion to the Arena Football League, ….. we may witness little Danny Snyder’s demise via spontaneous combustion sometime shortly after the contest’s conclusion.
Pick: Washington’s Uomo Senza Nome (-7)
Bob: Tampa Bay +7
Denver (-10) @ SAINT LOUIS 51.5
….. Peyton Manning doesn’t listen to coaches. Last week in a rout of Oakland, Backup Brock Osweiler was told to go in and run the offence. He was left standing at the altar. When he tried to come into the game, he was too slow in finding his helmet & lost his chance. Eventually he played later in the second half and ran off some reps against the Raiders of the Lost Decade.
But Peyton’s earlier quarterback Bogarting should have taught Brock a valuable lesson.
…. Mr. Manning is no mentor…
…. Mr. overrated head coach of the last quarter century finally got his wish this week. Rams’ head honcho Jeff Fisher named veteran Shaun Hill the starter over the promising youngster Austin Davis after the loss in Arizona. Like Lovie Smith, Mr. Fisher has a long term contract & is starting a long view youth movement by starting a 34 year old journeyman quarterback for a team out of the playoffs.
… Nice Call, good eye to the future George Allen!
Pick: Broncos (-10)
Bob: Broncos -10
San Francisco (-4.5) @ NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS 44.5
….. No charges were laid against DE Ray McDonald for that little domestic dissidence issue that he was involved in earlier in the season. So he should be back this week, thanks to another Ray. ….
The “Ray Donovan” role played by San Jose cop Sgt. Sean Pritchard paid major dividends for the Forty Niners. Hired by the team to “Smooth” out little indiscretions & misunderstandings that time to time emerge between the football players, their associates, girlfriends and the police, Mr. Pritchard showed up twice at the scene on the night of the “problem” and everything worked out great.
… Ray McDonald remembered the first rule of being a celebrity athlete and dealing with potential legal speed bumps:
“Call your designated fixer.”
…… Ray did, and this little messy distraction has gone away, at least for the near future. Ray can go back to earning his paycheque playing football, the Niners win games, the song birds are singing, the butterflies are pollinating the flowers & “Justice for All!” rings out around Santa Clara County.
…… but all of this is countered by the loss for the season of linebacker & leader Patrick Willis. We see the Giants seizing this opportunity to give maybe their last great hometown effort in the Tom Coughlin Epoch.
… To kick-start the all too often slow starting Giants and their taciturn, poker faced quarterback, the New York management has decided to institute new morale boosting measures. To fire up the Giants, Mr. Manning the Younger will lead his team onto the Meadowlands to the strains of Three Dog Nights’ “Eli’s Coming.”
… a song written by R&R Hall of Fame member Laura Nyro which has absolutely no bearing or logical inspirational basis, but at this point the Giants will try anything.
Pick: GIANTS (+4.5)
Bob: GIANTS +4.5
4:05 pm – 4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time
Oakland @ SAN DIEGO (-10) 45.5
….. Usually the Raiders have a good turnout of fans in San Diego. This requires the Chargers to add extra security to the parking lot and stadium to regulate the Silver & Black nation. This week the Chargers will save some money on this expense.
…. Sadly, the continual years of losing, the rumours of the team moving yet again to Los Angeles and changes to California parole laws that restrict travel even within the State, mean there will be less Raider fans here than normal.
…. The Chargers have had a bye week and are loaded for bear. Especially Quarterback Phillip Rivers who spent the off week quietly relaxing with his wife & twelve children.
…. As a result, Rivers will have his best game of the year. The relief that comes from escaping the cabin fever hell of living in Romper Room Hell for two weeks cannot be underestimated. This will be one double digit road spread the Raiders won’t cover.
Pick: CHARGERS (-10)
Bob: CHARGERS -10
Philadelphia @ GREEN BAY (-7.5) 55
….Chip Kelly is a genius! …. He won last week with the “Human Hand Grenade” Mark Sanchez starting, and many think the job is his to lose till next year’s training camp.
…. So now is not the time to toy with doubt, Mark Sanchez is the Dragon Slayer. He has played in the cold in New York & wants this starting job with the Eagles. Packers will face a much tougher game here than they did against the toothless Bears.
Pick: Eagles (+7.5)
Bob: Eagles +7.5
Detroit @ ARIZONA (-1.5) 42.5
…. Just call us Nostradamus. Last week regarding the Rams- Cardinals game we wrote:
“We said it in Cincinnati, we said it in Oakland and we’ll say it now in the desert: Carson Palmer can win you games if you build a solid offensive line to protect him and close your eyes when he scrambles.
Carson is a big, lumbering, medium-low declining to sloth speed target prone to injury. When he runs, he looks as rickety, athletic & elusive as a Ray Harryhausen stop-motion animation creation. For the sake of the Cardinals’ chances of winning this year, Bruce Arians must instruct the living statue to throw the ball to Tucson if the blitz pressure is oppressive.
If that option isn’t feasible, Carson should adopt the Los Angeles Rams’ era Joe Namath fetal curl-up pose when the pocket starts to collapse.”
…. We regret that our psychic gifts failed to prevent the tragedy last week in Arizona. After observing Carson Palmer’s cringing, non-contact, season ending ACL tear while shuffling around in the pocket in the second half against the Rams live in real time on television; ……. we felt the pain. Obviously our pre-game texts to his personal & Twitter accounts were ignored.
…. With great gifts come great responsibilities, but we are only the conduit, not the commander.
…. The Cardinals got great pinch-hitting from Drew Stanton, who threw an amazing long pass to WR John Brown who laid out to make an incredible catch for the go ahead touchdown that put the Cardinals in the driver’s seat for good.
…. The future looks great for this talented receiver, as long as the Arizona Cardinals don’t go anywhere near Harper’s Ferry, Virginia.
…. Cardinals can still win with QB Drew Stanton, but starting is different from relieving, ….. Our “Team of Destiny” Detroit Lions win a tough one in the southwest desert.
Pick: Lions (+1.5)
Bob: ARIZONA -1.5
8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
New England @ INDIANAPOLIS (-2.5) 58
…… Colts’ owner and pharmaceutical adventurer Jim Irsay will be at this game, lounging in his private box. He will be following his court ordered diet & lifestyle guidelines. He will be enjoying a caffeine free latte, getting therapeutic toe massages & following a vegan diet and Ayurvedic medicinal principles.
…. To avoid any chance of violation, he will definitely not be texting, sharing selfies, Snapchat, or Grinder correspondence with Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones.
He will just quietly sit and cheer the Colts on to victory over the Patriots in front of the largest television audience yet this year.
Pick: COLTS (-2.5)
Bob: COLTS -2.5
Monday, November 17, 2014
8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
Pittsburgh (-5.5) @ TENNESSEE 47.5
….. Wow! ….. Another incredible ESPN Monday Night-Must See game brought to you courtesy of the NFL and their version of “Non Net Neutrality.” When it comes to divvying up the schedule between the big donors [ NBC on Sunday Night ] and the also-rans [ ABC-ESPN on Monday Night ] you just don’t see much of a difference.
…. A lot of “Adult Film” star males aren’t particularly handsome in the conventional sense, but they possess other assets & extended appendages that allow them to excel in their chosen professional field. This is especially true when you peruse the careers of 1970’s -1980’s champions like John Leslie, Ron Jeremy & the infamous John Holmes.
….. Now, we certainly don’t believe Titans’ starter Zach Mettenburger necessarily aspires to a career in pornographic films after the curtain comes down on his NFL tenure at quarterback, …… but we do know that he dresses like a typical thespian in “Pulp Friction,” “Raiders of the Lost Arse” or the “Texas Vibrator Massacre.” His Caesar Romero Batman TV Joker era pencil mustache, his choice of casualwear clothes reminiscent of Jane Fonda workout videos & his flippant social media persona make Zach a “Cat who purrs in front of a different fireplace.”
We don’t know about any hidden appendages, but a semi-hidden asset definitely is his rocket arm. Mettenburger has at least as powerful an arm as Big Ben, but he doesn’t have the receivers to throw to or Roethlisberger’s experience.
…. Ben & the Steelers should roll in this game to get back on track after their embarrassing implosion in New Jersey last week against the Jets.
…. That is as long as Justin Bieber doesn’t show up again at the Steelers’ pre-game prayer meeting like he did last week, jinxing Pittsburgh with a karmic curse revolving around his annoying voice, jock sniffing obsessions, mediocre talent, fading career & propensity to drive like Leon Spinks on Molly.
Pick: Steelers (-5.5)
Bob: TITANS +5.5
