Paradise is Hell

Remember failing algebra and having to sit through summer school? That’s what I’m doing tonight by watching and recapping ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. I’ve failed in life and this is my punishment.

Former castoffs and game show losers are in Mexico to get another chance at love. Unlike the other failed Bachelor spinoff ‘Bachelor Pad’, there is no prize money on this show. They just throw these horny kids in Mexico to procreate and cry. There’s lots of procreating and crying… and love.

This quote from the preview footage says it all, “I will punch you in your face.” Apparently, someone gets arrested… or not. Who cares? Anyway, get ready for a half-assed recap of a show I didn’t want to watch that I know will be terrible.

Chris Harrison, in his business casual best, stands on a beach to greet his floozies. Clare of ‘Clare’s Dad’ fame is first. She had her heart broke by Juan Pablo but she’s over it. She says, “I’m getting back to being Clare”. We’re all glad for that.

Marcus is here, fresh off of being dumped by Andi. Sarah and her 1 and ¾ arms are here. She tells America that she’s not going to apologize for having 1 and ¾ arms. I, frankly, wasn’t looking for an apology.

Maquel brings his absolute lack of a game to ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. Clare says that Marquel’s outfit is “on point”. That’s good, I think.

Some annoying girl named Daniella who moves her head like a chicken when she talks is here. Grant is here. He played sports or something. Lacy is here. She gets a lot of attention for her boobage and… eyes. No one knows what season she’s from. I can’t remember and I usually don’t forget… eyes like that.

There’s dramatic music as some guy named Ben comes up. He’s disliked because he was terrible to people on TV. I can’t keep the terrible people apart in my head, so I don’t remember Ben.

Michelle K was a psycho. She’s here to be psychopathic. It should be psychoey. Some guy named Robert walks up. He’s a guy. Dylan shows up and Maquel hugs him. Dylan and Marquel are super friends.

A girl named Elise can’t walk down stairs because her heels are too high and her boobs are too big. She’s also about as smart as me. Elise says that she came here to find a man. That’s good because there are men here. Elise fell in love with Dylan right away. Keep up!

AshLee is next. She’s annoying, like a school teacher who knows everything. AShlEE only came to meet Graham because she saw him on TV and fell in like with him. AshlEe has a super big crush on Graham. She’s only HuMan.

Chris Harrison lays down the rules. You are instructed to mingle. If you don’t find a partner by the end of the week, you go home. The idea is, from week to week, you need to have someone to hook up with. They call them ‘connections’. It’s super dramatic. I’m dramatized. This is already the stupidest thing I’ve ever watched, and I watched most of ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days’.

Some girl named Lacy grabbed a dude named Robert and jumped into the ocean to make out. It’s grown sexy. It only took Lacy 11 seconds to earn the role of ‘Queen of the Hornballs.’ As Michelle says, “Home girl is not playing around.”

The group starts to drink shots in their beach bungalow. Marcus can’t drink shots and have fun because he’s still heart broken over Andi. Marcus says, “I’m not saying that another potential wife can’t be here…” And then he kept talking. He goes into the ocean to swim.

Fresh off of humping Robert, Lacy jumps into the ocean to grope heartbroken Marcus. One and ¾ armed Sarah is super sad because she kind of liked Marcus and Lacy is slutting up her plans.

Dylan and Daniella go into the ocean. Basically, these people are treating the ocean like the coat room at a party. You say ‘hello’ to a girl, take her hand, and bring her into the ocean to slurp.

Daniella keeps talking and it’s driving me crazy. They need to put her head into a saw vice so she can keep still while she talks. My wife sizes up the cast by saying, “These girls and their overbites…” It’s a brilliant statement.

aShLee gushes about Graham. Two girls sit in a hammock and talk. There’s talking. I can’t keep up with the stupidity. This show is terrible. Why are you reading this?

There is a date card delivered. Clare gets to choose a guy for her date. She screams, “I had a dream about this.” She is ‘Woodchucks in the Freezer’ crazy. If you don’t remember, Clare brought a DVD of her dead dad’s message for her future husband to Juan Pablo’s season. She picks Graham for her date. All of the girls love Graham. ashlEe is upset because she really likes Graham. She storms off and cries because Graham is supposed to be faithful to her because they talked to each other for 8 minutes. AshLeE is unstable, at best.

The girls go into a room to bad mouth Clare. They say that she’s ugly. Clare comes to check on aShlee and they tell her to go away! Clare goes off to cry. She tells a raccoon that she doesn’t want drama. I’m not kidding. A raccoon walks up and she talks to the raccoon about fire ants. I’m not even drunk.

Clare pulls ashleE aside to make nice. She explains that she doesn’t want bad things to happen and that Ashlee should take Graham on the date. asHlee declines. Clare agrees to take someone else on their date. ashLee accepts. Clare cries when she tells Graham what’s up. This girl must be constantly dehydrated from crying. Clare takes Robert instead.

Clare and Robert drive to see Mexican ruins. Keep up! The ruins are ruined. It’s ruiney. Clare says, “I don’t even know what a vista is, but we walked out onto this vista.” They explore the ruins. We watch it.

Robert steps on fire ants and gets covered in them. Clare suggests he take his shirt off, so we see more of Robert. I’m pretty sure Bachelor interns planted the fire ants to give Robert an excuse to take his shirt off. Those interns are on point.

Robert and Clare shake off the ant attack and continue to explore the Mexican ruins. Robert puts it all in perspective by saying, “There’s so much culture surrounding us.” Clare says, “I’m literally speechless.” Clare doesn’t know what ‘literally’ means. They take fun pictures and have fun. It’s fun. I totally had fun watching them have fun. You guys had fun too, admit it.

Robert and Clare jump into the ocean to have more fun. It’s even more fun. I thought we had reached the maximum level of fun with the ruins and the exploring and the fire ants, but the ocean is totally funner. They just laugh and fun it up. I think that’s my new slogan in life. Fun It Up! I’m totally going stop being such a grouch and a cynic and start Funning It Up! You guys are now in the presence of a whole new Greg. Fun it up, you guys!

By the way, ABC is probably going to have to throw some chlorine into the ocean to cancel out the STDedness that ‘Bachelors in Paradise is causing. I wonder how many species of fish we’ll lose to the rampant ocean sex of one season of ‘Bachelors in Paradise’? The pH levels have to be way off. You’d think OSHA would step in. Get it???? OSHA???? OCEAN???? GET IT? You guys are jerks.

Back at the bungalow, Lacy makes a move on Marcus. Keep up! Marcus talks about how he hasn’t dated a lot because he just hasn’t found the right girl. If Marcus hasn’t found the right girl, there are no right girls. That dude is attractive. Marcus and Lacy compliment each other’s eyes. It’s super romantic. I start crying.

The next date card comes. Sarah with 1 and ¾ arms gets to choose a guy to date. She’s super whiney and non-assertive, a great personality combination for ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. There’s nothing wrong with Sarah. She’s attractive and sweet. She just doesn’t think she is because she only has 1 and ¾ arms. Sarah asks Marcus out and Lacy is all bummed. I’m a little bummed too.

Sarah and Marcus go to a Mexican bathroom. They take off their clothes first, because…

Sarah is really into Marcus and super intimidated. It’s annoying. They walk down into a lagoon or something. I don’t know. Look, if you want a scientific explanation of every place the Bachelors in Paradise visit, you’re reading the wrong recap.

Because Sarah only has 1 and ¾ arms, ABC makes her jump into the water. Sarah will spend the rest of her life on ABC climbing up and down things. Everyone has their own destiny. Sarah gets up the nerve to make out with Marcus. They make out. It’s more sweet than slurpy. Sarah isn’t ready for slurpy yet. Baby steps, you guys.

Back at the bungalow, Lacy cries because she isn’t currently making out with Marcus. Robert says, “Wanna go walk on the beach?” which is ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ code for, “Let’s go pollute the ocean with our sex stink.” They make out.

ABC shows the moon and a crab crawling on the beach. Then, the music gets more dramatic than it’s ever gotten. Michelle Money shows up because she’s completely incapable of NOT being on TV for any extended length of time. It’s dramatic because that’s one less spot for a woman. My wife says, “This is going to get hormonal.” At least I picked the right woman.

Michelle Money has been terrible in all kinds of Bachelor shows and Bachelor spin offs. I’m not a fan. Marquel says, “She’s a different breed of woman.” She’s the terrible breed, Marquel. Keep away! (Marquel can’t hear me.)

Michelle Money comes equipped with a date card. She brings it straight to Graham and comes close to asking him out on her date. asHlEE gets immediately upset because she likes Graham. It’s dramatic. Michelle instead brings the card to Marquel and his lack of game. The only chance Marquel has on this show is to get asked out by the girl. He’s not making a move. Marquel says ‘Yes’. I can’t wait to watch him mess this up.

Michelle Money tells the camera about her 9-year old son and her stretch marks. It’s grown sexy. She doesn’t want to screw this date up because she doesn’t want to die alone. She shouldn’t worry about being alone. There will always be plenty of people in hell.

Money and Marquel (which would make a great sitcom title) walk around in Mexico. They’re scheduled by ABC to ride horses. Watching it is the most fun I’ve ever had. Marquel is super excited for his horse date. He tells Michelle Money, “After talking to you last night, I feel like you’re a genuine person…” Umm, Michele Money is as genuine as a dollar bill containing a picture of Art Linkletter. Kudos to you if you’re too young to get that reference. We all know that Michelle Money isn’t too young. She has stretch marks.

Lacy gets the next date card. She chooses Robert. Marcus has a sad over being snubbed by Lacy. We see his sadness. It’s all over our televisions.

Lacy and Robert drink wine. Dylan is also upset now because he likes Lacy. Marcus and Dylan lie around and discuss their attraction to Lacy. I’m not a Lacy fan. I dislike her. Fortunately for Lacy, simply disliking her still puts her in a tie for 2^nd favorite person on the show.

Next comes the cocktail party for last ditch efforts for rose getting. There are two more guys than girls. That means two girls won’t get roses and they’ll have to go home. What happens now is the struggle of a bunch of gorgeous women who have never had to ever make an effort to gain companionship before in their lives, forced to beg for roses. The insecurity levels are off the charts. It’s actually kind of fun.

Here’s the scoop. Marcus likes Lacy. Lacy likes Robert. Robert likes Lacy. Sarah likes Marcus. Marcus wants to give Lacy a rose but knows Robert will give Lacy a rose. Sarah wants to receive Marcus’ rose. Marcus will give Sarah a rose if Robert doesn’t give Lacy a rose but Robert is totally going to give Lacy a rose. Who wouldn’t? Keep up!!

Before roses are handed out crazy ‘Other’ Michelle bows out and leaves the show because she refused to talk to other people for an entire week and knows she’s about to be dumped. It’s the sane, crazy thing to do. Chris Harrison says, “Okay, there’s a car waiting for you.” Crazy Michelle walks away crying. I blame ABC for putting her on television for a second time. I joke here, but this Michelle is not really stable. She seems to have real emotional and social problems. It’s irresponsible to poke that bear. She’s a panda in a room full of brown bears and you don’t poke a panda.

Roses are next. Six couples are formed. ‘No Game’ Marquel has hooked up with Michelle Money. Graham has chosen AshLeE. Dylan has Elise (Who is already in love with Dylan). Marcus ups the drama ante by picking Lacy. Lacy accepts. Boom!

He changed the game! Robert and Lacy totally had a thing going. Now she’s with Marcus. Robert picks Clare and her dad. Clare is all smiles about being Robert’s second option. Clare says, “There’s still hope for Claradise.” Clare has decided to call this ‘Claradise’, by the way. My computer has to be just about maxed out on learning new words. I’m sure ‘Claradise’ is putting it over the top.

Ben has the last rose. He gives it to Sarah. Daniella is the only girl left who hasn’t either received a rose or volunteered to leave. She is sent away to her limo. Ben lied to her. Ben’s a bad person, you guys.

I once accidentally dropped a cinder block on my toe. The toenail turned black and died. The day it finally fell off, my brother Donny dropped a can of corn on my exposed toe. It was a million times less painful than this recap. I’m not even going to be able to manage a sports quote. I’ve been shut out.

Next week, we get to watch someone jump off of a ledge. I guess that’s worth tuning in.