Lies and Slander in Mexico

Showing two episodes of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ in one week is more than just lazy and stupid for ABC. It’s a crime. It’s a crime against things that are good and things that are not terrible. We get two episodes this week because… I don’t know. I don’t even know if we’re closer to the end. I don’t know what the end is. It’s just slutty people on an island hooking up. There’s no end game. What’s the end game? Death, probably. Here is what happened Monday night.

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The preview says that there will be slander and gossip. Slander is when you make a spoken statement that damages someone’s reputation. Libel is hurting someone’s reputation through written word. So, I libe, they sland.

We begin with Michelle Money still crying over her prize of being allowed to stick around last week even though no one wanted to couple up with her. Michelle calls her chance to stay, “This beautiful amazing gift. This beautiful opportunity.” She’s called her 9 and a ½ year old son something similar. I’m sure he’s glad mom’s still in Mexico.

Robert gets the first date card. He gives it to Sarah. She’s super happy because she has no self esteem. So, they’ll date.

Meanwhile, Michelle Money is still crying her eyes out because, even though she is still on STD island, no one wanted her as a slurp-partner. Graham goes into the bathroom to comfort her. It’s comforting. Michelle cries and says, “I left Salt Lake to explore options of romance.” If you’re scoring at home, those “options” of romance have been three different Reality TV shows involving a ton of alcohol, multiple partners and cameras that record your every movement. So, yeah, I can’t understand how she hasn’t found true love either.

Sarah and Robert’s date is next. For the moment, Sarah isn’t bawling her eyes out or whining about how lonely she is. This shouldn’t last. Michelle Money does Sarah’s hair while she talks about being bummed over not going out on a date with Sarah’s boyfriend. Keep up!

Michelle Money says that, “All of my fears have come to fruition.” Michelle Money’s fear is being dateless in a Mexican paradise. My fear involves being out on a hike in the woods and a bear claws open my wife’s neck and I don’t have cell phone service and, even if I did, we’re hours away from emergency responders. But, yeah, no date in Mexico is pretty terrifying too.

Sarah is happy about her date. She says, “This is definitely turning into Saradise.” I thought it was ‘Claradise’. Sarah says that the ocean makes her feel vulnerable but Robert keeps her safe. Robert would totally beat back sharks for Sarah. I can tell.

Cody the super built surfer-type dude arrives on the island. Michelle Money is excited because she is without man. Cody offers his date card to Clare. DRAMA in Claradise!

Clare says that she can’t because she’s with Zach. Cody persuades her. It’s persuadey. Clare basically says that she’s going to ask her boyfriend if she can go on a date with another guy. Zach tells her to go ahead and go for Cody-bear. Clare gets mad at Zach because he allows her to do the thing she asked for. Clare is the worst. I’m sorry, she’s approaching Trista-levels of terribleness for my taste. What a dingbat. Now, my wife and I are arguing over who was wrong in this situation. My wife is totally on Team Clare. Clare is wrong! Even her dad knows it! This show is destroying my marriage.

Clare runs off to complain to others about Zach’s response. While she’s talking to Michelle Money, Michelle is clamping her eyelashes in some sort of medieval torture device. Clare doesn’t want to put all of her eggs in one basket. I think she means ‘eggs’ eggs, you know? Someone needs to watch that dad DVD, toot sweet.

Cody and Clare discuss their potential date. Cody compliments Clare a bunch and Clare eats it up because she would whither and die without 24/7 compliments. She’s like one of those flashlights that you have to shake to use. No shakey, no lightey.

Even though she’s terrible, Clare turns down Cody’s date offer because she wants her ‘Zach’ fire to burn. Cody is disappointed, but hasn’t completely given up on Claradise. He says, “As long as I’m here, Cody is always going to try to get with Clare.”

Rather than take Michelle Money, the only available woman, on a date, Cody gives his date card to Marcus because they’re boys. It’s boysey. I think that city in Idaho was named after two guys who freely exchanged their date cards in Mexico. Clare is even more attracted to Cody because he gave up his date card. Admit it, guys. You’re totally more attracted to Cody now!

Marcus takes his girlfriend Lacy on a date so they can slurp it up. They’re a really cute couple if you’re into empty conversations, abs and fake boobage. Marcus and Lacy have their date on a bench surrounded by candles. It looks exactly like the bungalow they just left.

Lacy wants Marcus to tell her he loves her because she loves him. Marcus says that he sees a lot of her in a future that he can see with her. He really says this. Marcus says, “I love you for who you are.” They make out. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

It’s time for Zach to smooth things over. Zach pulls Clare aside to convince her that “100% of [his] eggs are in her basket.” Clare gets all huffy, but accepts his apology. Zach apologized for the fact that Clare asked if she could date another guy. It was nice of her to accept that apology. They make out.

ABC shows the moon. The moon controls the ocean, which hasn’t had any sex rompers romping in it for days! The poor ocean.

As Michelle Money continues to complain about her lack of man, Kalon walks up to their moonlight fire. Kalon was kicked off of Emily Maynard’s season for being terrible and complaining about the fact that Emily had a kid. Michelle Money hates Kalon and is not into him. Kalon pulls out his date card and offers it to Michelle Money. Despite all of the terrible things she just said, Michelle Money accepts Kalon’s date card because she’s terrible. Kalon tells the camera that he wants to motorboat the bleep out of Michelle Money’s bleep. You just know Bachelor in Paradise producers are cattle-prodding him to be extra awful. It works. He’s extra awful.

Michelle Money pulls Kalon aside and confronts him about the terrible things he said about Emily years ago. He doesn’t say much in his defense. Michelle Money backs out of her date. It’s super dramatic.

Kalon tries to ask out a couple of the other girls while they’re tanning. He refers to them as “sun lizards”. It’s poised. They turn him down. Sarah turns him down. Kalon can’t get a date. Instead of giving up his date card to a couple, he goes out on his date by himself. It’s a Kalon type of thing to do. I respect his decision. Kalon goes for a jeep ride and goes spelunking in a cave. We get to see him with his shirt off and climbing down a rope into a hole while using innuendo about Mexican holes. It’s innuendoey. I hate this show.

While Kalon talks to himself, Jesse arrives to the island. I don’t know anything about him. According to people who date several people at the same time on TV, Jesse is a “player”. Jesse takes out his date card and then takes off his shirt. He asks Jackie to go out on a date with him. She says ‘Yes’, dumping Marquel and his complete lack of game. Marquel tells the camera that he hopes his “connection” with Jackie will be strong enough to pull them through this. Keep up the good work, No Game!

Jackie and Jesse go in a cave. MEXICO IS JUST A BUNCH OF CAVES AND BUNGALOWS! Jesse and Jackie drink alcohol while bats scream above their head. While he is strategizing to the camera, Jesse is asked by Jackie if he’s strategizing. Seconds after strategizing, Jesse tells Jackie that he doesn’t strategize. Lies and Slander! As I’m falling asleep for the 8^th time this episode, Jackie and Jesse get a private concert from some guy in their Mexican cave.

Back at the bungalow, the sex couples are all getting back massages from their sex partners. Michelle Money picks up the trash by having Cody massage her. It’s massagey. It’s super massagey. Michelle says, “I’m just wrapped up in Cody.” She was, you guys. Michelle just bought herself another week on TV.

When does this show end?

We’re back from commercial and Marquel is working out on the beach. Why the hell do you read this? Cody wants Clare, but Clare still wants Cody. ABC pretends like they have secret cameras zooming in on a private conversation between Zach and aSHLEY. AshLEE tells Zach to dump Clare because Clare had sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean and because Clare is nuts. I hate to agree with AsHlEE, but I agree with AshlEe. AsHLEe figures out that there’s a camera in the tree and that she shouldn’t have said terrible things about Claradise.

For the next ten minutes, it turns into whispers and slander. AshLee confesses what she’s done to others. Others tell Clare what was said. It’s whispery and slandery and gossipy. Clare gets super mad and stabby. I would assume that Clare is completely prone to stabfests. We could get a stabbing. ABC is playing ‘Get Ready for Stabbing’ music. ABC actually shows Clare walking into the kitchen to pick up knives because this show is stupid.

At night, there’s still drama. Still!

Michelle Money recaps to Sarah that AShlee said something to the effect of, “He needs to be careful about Clare’s reputation because she is known to have sex with guys in the ocean.” I’d go back and fix that sentence but I don’t have the strength.

Clare yells at Zach for not defending her. Zach basically tells her that he didn’t come to a Mexican sex island for drama. Boy, did he come to the wrong Mexican sex island! Clare vows to take care of the aSHlee situation by herself.

Before anyone gets stabbed, AsHlEe pulls Clare aside to clare the air. Get it? Clare stops her before she can apologize. She shakes her head like a chicken and says, “I feel super disrespected.” Who says ‘super’?

ASHLEE continues to apologize and grovels. Clare doesn’t back down from her stab-like behavior. The line has been drawn in the Mexican sex sand. ashlee offers a ‘hug-out’, but Clare declines. AsHLee cries to the camera. I vote for the government to give ABC a million dollar grant to conduct a study to find out which of these two girls is crazier.

When does this show end? What the hell is happening? I’m in hell!!!

The end of the night draws near. Marcus has Lacy, Graham has aShLeE, who could be dead soon. Marquel had Jackie, but Jackie now likes Jesse. Clare has Zach, but hates him. Sarah has Robert. Michelle might have Cody. Kalon has no one.

Cody tells Michelle Money that he really originally liked her more than Clare. Now, he’s all into Michelle and Michelle Money has cashed in on Cody. You’ve got to give her credit. She’s investing in Cody, whose stock is rising. You guys are jerks. They make out. It’s super emotional and special because they both get to stay on TV longer now.

Jesse pulls Jackie aside to grab her rose. No Game Marquel watches it happen and does nothing because he possesses no game.

Michelle Money pulls Graham aside to tell him how awful ashLeE is. Graham didn’t realize his girlfriend was terrible, so it’s dramatic. Just as Graham learns this shocking news, AsHLEE walks up and things gets all AwKwArD.

The rose ceremony is next. I can’t even take how dramatic this show is. My heart is banging up against my rib cage. I charge de-fib paddles, just in case. Chris Harrison tells everyone what’s up. Two guys will go home. We still have no idea what the purpose of this show is.

Lacey picks Marcus. Duh. Clare picks Zach. AshLeE picks Graham, and with a crescendo of super dramatic music, Graham just walks away. ASHLEE is all, “What?” Michelle Money walks away to talk to Graham. The music is more DRAMATIC THAN IT’S EVER BEEN. My heart hurts! What’s happening? What’s Graham going to do???!!! When will this show end???!!!! How can Mexico be crawling with drug lords and dirty cops, yet they somehow leave these horn balls alone?? Why do meteors never hit my house on Monday nights???!!!!! Why does AshLee capitalize the middle letter of her name???!!! Who reads these recaps???!!!!! Why didn’t I fill the sports quota????!!! Why can’t I find Clare’s dead dad DVD on Netflix????!!! What ever happened to Tracy Gold???!!!!!!!!

Tune in tomorrow night to do this again because I hate being happy.