Bachelor Recap – The Women Tell None

No one in this picture is telling all.

Tonight, the women are supposed to tell all. It’s ‘The Women Tell All’ episode. Unfortunately, the women do not tell all. They tell far from all. The women tell none.

The women will touch upon their televised time with Chris the Farmer and how they had feelings for him. The women will talk about their fantastic experiences abroad and the friends they made.

The women will not address why they agreed to date a man who is dating dozens of other women with a couple of cameras pressed into their face through every interaction, even though they’ve watched it work out poorly for countless people before them on previous seasons. The women will not wonder aloud why a TV show that professes to find people love would systematically seek out conflicting personalities to make things tougher and more emotionally challenging for everyone involved. The women will not talk about how they are paid for their journey and how it will help them gain future television exposure. The women will not tell all.

But, who cares? This is fun! We’re having fun. I love ‘The Women Tell All’ episode! It’s so much fun. I love the 299 women and one guy in the studio audience and how loud they cheer when sexy Chris the Farmer is mentioned. I love the Jerry Springer-like confrontations when Chris the Farmer’s girlfriends confront each other for their wrong-reasonedness. And I absolutely adore the BLOOPERS! BACHELOR BLOOPERS!!! LOLOLOL!

Anyway, it’s ‘The Women Tell All Episode’. Enjoy.

They call it a “very special” Women Tell All episode. That’s debatable. We start with footage of Chris Harrison and Chris the Farmer crashing Bachelor viewing parties. They totally surprise regular people around the country watching ‘The Bachelor’. It’s all completely spontaneous. It’s a big surprise. You can tell by the way there are cameras inside of the house they’re surprising, plus how the women they talk to are mic’d up. It’s a big surprise. There’s a bunch of screaming. Keep up!

One of the parties had a lot of alcohol and more screaming than a hospital maternity ward. I couldn’t even understand what was being said. So far, no one has told all.

Next, ABC brings back “our favorites” from the season. I only had one favorite and that was Ashley S. Chris Harrison introduces them all and the audience cheers wildly. They cheer over everything. These people would cheer a school bus fire if Chris Harrison asked them to.

Before asking them all, Chris Harrison shows clips from the season that we’ve already seen. This isn’t all. No one is telling all! This all has already been told. There’s a bunch of mean things said about some of the girls and the audience boos.

Next, the girls yell at each other about the mean things said. Britt yells at Carly for making fun of her for being emotional. It’s emotional. It’s uncomfortable to see confrontation. Everyone starts yelling at once while the audience claps for some reason. Chris Harrison isn’t doing anything.

Eventually, he brings Britt up on the hot seat. If you’re new to the show, the hot seat is the hottest seat in the world. It’s super hot. I can’t even. Britt tells Chris Harrison that Carly sabotaged her chance for love. Then, all of the girls start yelling and I can’t understand anything. Chris Harrison lets it spin out of control. He’s terrible at moderating. Moderate, Chris Harrison! Keep up!

Jillian and her black-barred crotch bash Carly too. Carly is suddenly the one everyone hates. This came out of nowhere. Jillian screams a bunch until Harrison tells her to stop. Then, Britt goes back to crying. She says that she wants children and she went to other countries to build orphanages. She actually says that. I have no idea if that’s true. None of this matters. Why do you read these?

Britt continues to confront Carly. Carly says that she wishes Britt no ill will. Who wishes ill will? Is that a thing people do? Who ill will-wishes? Anyway, Carly tries to talk but Britt keeps talking over her. It’s annoying, like anything else on this show. How can the women tell all when the other women won’t let them talk? Even if they do tell all, we won’t be able to hear all. And the STUPID STUDIO AUDIENCE KEEPS CLAPPING OVER POINTS BEING MADE! There are no points being made. I can’t even hear anything. Britt keeps crying. I hope she hydrates. Britt is a terrible person, by the way. I couldn’t imagine spending more than 20 seconds in the same room as her.

Eventually Chris Harrison wraps up this portion of the episode by asking Britt what she came on the show for. She says “love.” Then, she cries more. Chris Harrison apologizes to Britt for her not finding love. Britt accepts Chris Harrison’s apology. Then, she cries more. She’s the worst. Well, she’s second worst behind Chris Harrison. He’s the worst.

Kelsey is next on the hot seat. I already want this show to be over. There are still 90 minutes left. No one has told all. Chris Harrison plays clips from the season, even though we’ve already seen this footage a couple hundred times. It’s easy to hate Kelsey. She smiles while talking about how tragic the story of her dead husband is. I’d hate her if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s planted by the show for me to hate her. I won’t dignify this show with my hate. They can’t have my hate! I won’t just give away my hate for nothing! I’m not a hate whore! Why do you read these?

The other girlfriends believe that Kelsey was here for the wrong reasons. What are the wrong reasons for being on a game show where one man dates 20 women? Are there right reasons? In a world where a man looking for a wife makes out with a woman thirty seconds after making out with a different woman, all televised for our entertainment, is there a right reason? Saying that a woman was here for the wrong reasons is like saying that someone poking jelly beans up their nose in the desert is there for the wrong reasons. There are no right reasons.

Kelsey talks and there’s talking. I guess she tells all, but I gotta be honest, I wasn’t really listening. She also cries. I should point that out. It happens. We watch it. She brings up her dead husband for sympathy points. The look on Chris Harrison’s face while she’s talking is priceless. He is trying to break a record for serious face. He’s a serious face Olympian.

The other girlfriends try to yell at Kelsey while she’s talking, but Chris Harrison won’t let them. He’s such a gentleman! When she’s done spouting bullshit, Kelsey has to face the other girlfriends. They attack her and call her fake. Juelia yells at her for using her fake husband to climb the love ladder. They pile on quickly. The studio audience goes nuts because they love America and freedom. You guys love America and freedom too, admit it.

You’d cry too if you were terrible, admit it.

There’s a bunch of talking and yelling. Kelsey tries to act traumatized and Chris the Farmer’s other girlfriends yell at her. This show is about finding love. Kelsey asks the other girlfriends to forgive her. Ashley I. doesn’t accept her apology. It’s dramatic. It’s non-accepty. Kelsey calls her out for the time she said something terrible. Ashley I. said that she made up the story about her dead husband. Ashley I. continues to say the husband was fake. There’s a fake husband discussion. It’s discussioney. Is “discussioney” with a ‘y’ or ‘ey’? How come you guys never answer my questions? I hate recapping this show. You guys don’t even care what happens. Why should I recap it? I should just make stuff up, like Kelsey. Her dead husband was real though, guys. Keep up.

There’s a bunch of silence when Kelsey talks about her dead husband. It’s awkward. I hope her dead husband is watching her make a mockery of his life. I hope he’s up in heaven with Claire’s dad, shaking his damn head. Either Kelsey is completely crazy or she’s the best actress ever, planted by ABC. I’d believe either.

Ashley S. is next on the hot seat. I love her. Everyone LOLs over Ashley S’s craziness because she’s super nutty. We watch the nutty footage and forget all about Kelsey’s drama. This show is about love. They wanted Chris the Farmer to find love so they put a crazy person on the show to help him find love. Then, they went out of their way to exploit her craziness for ratings.

Ashley S. answers questions. She brings an onion because she’s Onion Girl who talks about onions. I like her less when she talks. Ashley S. is less lovable when she tries to act crazy instead of just being crazy. It’s awkward and forced. It’s clear at this point that Ashley S. isn’t really crazy, she just acted crazy because ABC asked her to act crazy. She’s not really crazy. She’s stupid and fake. I don’t really love her anymore. This is upsetting. It’s like finding out there is no Santa Claus. Ashley S. is asked to join the cast of ‘Bachelors in Paradise’, which is sad for many reasons. I guess they’re bringing that mess back. This was the most terrible segment ever. Ashley S. is not crazy and I feel lost.

Jade is next on the hot seat. The seat is still super hot, I guess. I don’t care anymore. Nothing matters. We watch footage of Jade being Jade. She posed in Playboy and Chris the Farmer dumped her after finding out she posed in Playboy. Those two incidents may be unrelated. Again, I don’t care. You guys don’t care either, admit it. Nothing matters.

Jade cries after re-watching her journey. They probably shouldn’t have played it on a big TV in front of her. She says that she had a connection with Chris the Farmer. Chris Harrison asks her what went wrong. She doesn’t say, “Well, Chris Harrison, he was dating a bunch of other women and we were televised the entire time. That’s what went wrong!” These women aren’t telling all.

Jade says that Chris the Farmer didn’t approve of her Playboyness, even though he said he was fine with it. She wants to confront him about his lies. There is a lot of confrontation on this show. They should call it ‘The Women Confront All’. The studio audience applauds Jade’s courage to pose naked for a magazine in a world where free internet nudity is readily available.

Next, Kaitlyn takes the hot seat. We watch her fun journey for love that fell short because Chris the Farmer dumped her. He dumped her a couple of days after telling her that he was falling in love with her. It was super dramatic. You guys don’t even know!

Kaitlyn talks and there’s talking. She was blindsided by her dumping. She can’t believe that Chris the Farmer did her wrong. She’s bewildered that a guy who dated a bunch of women at once could possibly betray her. You guys were bewildered too, admit it.

Even though she got dumped, Kaitlyn is glad she went on TV to date Chris the Farmer. She’s going to get a chance to confront Chris the Farmer BECAUSE HE’S TAKING THE HOT SEAT! This seat will set new records for heat. The heat index will hit 100% when Chris the Farmer sits down upon it. You think you’ve experienced hot seats before? None will be hotter than this hot seat. It’ll be so hot is all I’m really trying to say.

Chris the Farmer comes out and the studio audience goes nuts. You guys went nuts at home too, admit it. Britt immediately starts crying and runs up next to the hot seat to hug and talk to Chris the Farmer. It’s awkward. She’s super annoying. Britt tells Chris the Farmer that she doesn’t blame him for dumping her. She says she respects Chris the Farmer and doesn’t blame him for listening to Carly’s lies. Chris the Farmer says that he didn’t dump Britt because of Carly. He just dumped her. There’s a bunch more talking. It’s all really plastic and fake. I hate it.

Kaitlyn gets the next chance to confront Chris the Farmer. She does it from across the room. Kaitlyn asks Chris the Farmer why he dumped her. He looks really comfortable being confronted by the women he dumped. Maybe he shouldn’t have dated a ton of women at once. He is unable to give Kaitlyn a genuine answer of why he dumped her. He says he was falling in love with three women at once. That’s what happens when you date three women at once. Kaitlyn has one of those tiny nose rings. I’ll bet those itch a ton.

Jade gets the next chance at confronting Chris the Farmer. She posed in Playboy. She also walks up to be next to the hot seat. Maybe she was cold and wanted to share in some of the hot seat’s heat. Jade confronts Chris the Farmer. It’s confronty. She was upset that he wrote in his Bachelor blog that Jade wasn’t the girl he thought he knew because of the Playboy pics. It’s despicable. I mean, who writes a Bachelor blog? Chris the Farmer admits that Jade’s family blew her chances by calling her a wild mustang. Let this be a lesson to us all; never call your daughter a wild mustang. It just leads to heart break.

Jade cries. Chris the Farmer nods. I can’t believe you read down this far. The audience claps about all of the confrontation and how much we’ve solved in this two-hour episode. While the women may not have told all, they did tell some. We listened. It happened.

To end on a happy note, Chris Harrison rolls out the bloopers. We all laugh a ton because it’s totally hilarious. You guys totally laughed, admit it. The bloopers made me happy. I was so sad until the bloopers came. Bloopers fix everything. I can love again.

Next week, Chris the Farmer dumps one of his girlfriends and proposes to the other one. It’s the finale of ‘The Bachelor’ and it’ll probably be four hours long or something. Also Chris Harrison wrote a book. He shamelessly plugs it. Who writes books and then shamelessly plugs them? (I have a book reading/signing/beer drinking event at Resurgence brewery on March 18th for my book ‘Frank Dates’. Keep up!)

Please listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, my podcast with Shaun Murphy. Shaun Murphy loved tonight’s episode, so we’ll probably fist fight.