Lay Down Your Arms and Surrender to K-Pop

KoreJuan Selfie

I don’t know about you guys but I’m going to go about the rest of my life pretending like last night’s live televised wedding between Sean and Catherine never happened.

Nope. There was no wedding. I don’t even know who Sean or Catherine are. And I certainly have no recollection of the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ being uttered thousands of times with no recourse. Not at all. Nada.

Anyway, back in the real world, Juan Pablo and his 13 girlfriends are in South Korea. Is that safe? Is Korea okay? Not that anyone would take any of these vapid people hostage. Hell, Korea might pay us to take them back! I… have no ideal what I’m talking about.

Before the show, some announcer guy for ABC says, “It’s the Bachelor… Juandome-style.”  I don’t think that he knows what he’s talking about either.

The episode preview sets the stage for boredom. Girls are starting to manufacture feelings for their Latin washboard, opera singers are singing, Koreans are Koreaning and contestants are beginning to discover who is here for the wrong reasons. WE’VE REACHED THE ‘WRONG REASONS’ PORTION OF THE BACHELOR SEASON!!!!

If you’re new to the show, every year one of the girls/guys act stupid and the rest of the girls/guys hate them and complain that they’re here for the wrong reasons. It’s a tradition not unlike singing ‘Take me out to the ballgame’ during the 7^th inning stretch at Wrigley.

We begin with footage of Juan Pablo cuddling with his daughter, Camila, and complaining that he’s unhappy that he has to leave her while he travels to South Korea to find her a mother and sister/brother breeding partner. ABC really hammers home how good of a father he is. He even hugs his parents. Then, Juan Pablo fixes his daughter’s wedgie. I’m not making that up. It’s literally the opposite of ‘Grown Sexy’.

Chris Harrison walks into the girl’s room and lays down the rules. There are two group dates and one Juan-on-Juan date where a girl can be instantly dumped. He then springs on them the news that they’re traveling to South Korea and the girls all scream. They jump around and hug each other like they’re not all dating the same guy. I met a guy at the mall who wanted to sleep with my wife. We’re super tight. We hang out constantly. It’s easy to get along with guys who want to date and sleep with my wife. I do it all of the time.

Claire says that she’s “Over the moon!” about going to Korea. She keeps saying it. Then, she claps. I’m not a Claire fan.

Juan Pablo arrives in Korea and looks around. Cameras capture him walking around and thinking about love. The girls arrive and scream some more. There’s a lot of screaming in the first 10 minutes of this episode.

Producers help us target Nikki as the bad girl for now by showing her complaining about having to share her boyfriend. She wants to be alone with Juan Pablo. How dare she?

ABC plays dramatic, sinister music as she complains about group-dating. Imagine the nerve of a girl NOT wanting to share her boyfriend with a bunch of other attractive women? I can’t. It’s disgusting.

Commercial break: I really like the Ellen Degeneres Oscar promo. It’s a lot of fun.

We’re back in South Korea. Keep up! Juan Pablo is still walking and thinking about love. He’s explaining what K-Pop is. It’s Korean Pop music like Gangnam style. I know Gangnam from those Pistachio commercials. Juan Pablo says that K-Pop is taking over America. I would personally join the army to stop that from happening. If I had the choice between K-Pop taking over America and pressing a button to launch nuclear missiles at my own home, I’m pressing that button. Over my dead body, K-Pop.

Is it not clear why K-Pop is taking over?

Nikki complains some more. She’s such a bitch, ugh!

Juan Pablo gathers the girls and talks more about K-Pop. They’re gonna dance with 21, which is a super big Korean group. He leads the girls, on tippy-toes, into a studio like they’re going to be super surprised by the Korean Pop group they’ve never heard of. ABC taser units jolt the girls to make them act surprised and delighted by the sight of 21.

Oh, I’ve just been corrected. 21 is spelled ‘2NE1’. Get it? Two-n-ee-one? Korea is crazy! No wonder K-Pop is taking over America. Nikki spells it out for me by saying, “2NE1 is huge. Their video has 77 million views… million… that’s a lot.”

2NE1 is a group of very cute women who dance. ABC makes all of the girls dance. It’s boring. 2NE1 teaches them to dance. Kat says that her childhood dream was to be a back-up dancer. What a terrible childhood dream?!! That’s like dreaming to be the back-up quarterback for the Super Bowl Champ. (Sports quota filled)

2NE1 invites the white girls to dance on stage with them at a live show. Kat gets to live her dream. Nikki says this is her worst nightmare and that she’s going to poop her pants. This Nikki girl is really growing on me. I kind of like her.

This looks like a nice mall.

The girls put on shoes and hats and prepare to dance. 47 different people tell me again how 2NE1 is the biggest K-Pop group in Korea. Everyone is contractually obligated to not go more than 4 seconds without saying the word ‘K-Pop’. It’s almost catching up to ‘Grown Sexy’ as my least favorite thing to hear.

The girls dance and there’s dancing. It looks like they’re in a Korean mall or something. Sure, the biggest K-Pop group would certainly play a mall.

The dancing continues. Nikki complains. 2NE1 does their K-Pop thang. It’s K-Poppy. Kat dances well and is all over the place. The other girls are mad at her for being good at K-Pop. They think she should be more into Juan Pablo than K-Pop. Look, a girl can’t help when K-Pop comes calling. You need to follow your dream, Kat! I’m going to start calling it Kat-Pop.

While this is all going on, there’s a crawl on the bottom of my screen announcing that all of the schools in Buffalo are closed tomorrow. How are kids supposed to learn about K-Pop if there is no school? We might as well just lie down and let K-Pop take over America.

Later, the group goes to a spa or something. They’ve all changed their clothes. They’re not carrying around knapsacks. Where do they keep their clothes? Those poor Bachelor interns have to carry around garment bags and prevent Juan Pablo’s girlfriends’ evening wear from becoming wrinkled.

Kat pulls Juan Pablo aside to tell him that her dad used to be an alcoholic. I smile knowing how Claire’s dad is watching this conversation about Kat’s dad from beyond the grave.

Kat cries because she hates being vulnerable. It’s her biggest fear. Juan Pablo says that his biggest fear is not being an example for his daughter. Well, I hope Camila doesn’t watch television.

After the ‘drunk dad’ talk, the girls act uncomfortable because they all hate Nikki. Nikki hates Kat and has made it clear. Danielle doesn’t feel like being caddy is a good example for Juan Pablo’s daughter, who she has never met.

Nikki talks to Juan Pablo for 3 minutes and then gushes about how much better they know each other. I hate this show. Nikki gets the group date rose as a reward for the 3 minutes they spent together. The rest of the girls spend some time hating Nikki.

Back at the Seoul hotel, Sharleen the opera singer learns that she has the Juan-on-Juan date. She acts less than thrilled, so the rest of the girls hate Sharleen. There’s so much hate in this episode.

Before their date, we get some footage of Juan Pablo in his Korean shower. He picks up Sharleen for their big fun Korean date. I’m hoping for less K-Pop. They walk around eating food and trying on clothes. It’s thrilling. My voice gets hoarse from screaming. Sharleen likes Juan Pablo.

Grown Sexy make-out session

He brings her to a place to sing opera. Sharleen gets mad because she doesn’t want to sing. Juan Pablo doesn’t take ‘No’ for an answer. Sharleen sings. There’s singing. I listen to it. It’s hardly K-Pop. Then, they make out. There’s slurping.

Next, they eat some more on TV. Juan Pablo asks Sharleen how many kids she wants. It’s a perfectly normal conversation for two people to have on television on their 1st date. Sharleen admits she hasn’t thought a lot about having kids. The music gets super dramatic. I get nervous. We all get nervous, admit it.

Despite the fact that she admits that she hates kids, Juan Pablo gives her a rose. I breathe a huge sigh of relief. We all do, admit it. Juan Pablo makes out with Sharleen, even though she spells her name that way. It’s Grown Sexy.

The next group date is next. Juan Pablo says, “It’s getting crazy in Korea.” He’s right. It’s super crazy. They go to a Karaoke apartment to sing Karaoke. I’m amazed because I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate this show more. It’s like when that car fell on a kid and his mother was able to somehow find the strength to lift the car off of her child. That’s how much the expansion of my propensity for hate has surprised me. It came out of nowhere. I’m hating at super-human levels.

More stuff happens on the date like paddle boats. Eventually, they all arrive at place where fish eat the dead skin off of your feet. It’s Grown Sexy. There’s a bunch of screaming and laughing. It’s super fun. You guys had fun, admit it. I’ll bet Claire’s dad enjoyed it.

Later they eat octopus. Claire says the eating octopus is the “epitome of my fears”. My biggest fear is falling off the back of a cruise ship and getting sucked into the giant turbines but, yeah, octopus is gross.

Kelly is mad that Claire ate a tiny piece of octopus. She says, “I know you’ve had bigger things in your mouth than that.” You guys, she was totally using innuendo! Grow up, Kelly.

This date keeps going on. They drink at an outdoor Korean lounge or something. Why do all of these cocktail parties happen outside?

Juan Pablo doesn’t kiss Renee. He says he doesn’t want to set a bad example for his daughter. Four seconds later, he grabs Andi and takes her away and doesn’t kiss her. Next, he doesn’t kiss Lauren, even though she begs him to kiss her. Lauren cries about getting rejected because she really cares for Juan Pablo and doesn’t want him to end up with the wrong person. That seems rational.

The rest of the girls on the group date sit in a circle and discuss whether or not they each should kiss the man they’re all dating. It’s Grown Sexy.

Claire and Juan Pablo talk about eating octopus. Seriously, why are you reading this? Juan Pablo makes out with Claire. I thought he was a good father? I’m sure the three girls he rejected 12 minutes ago will enjoy watching this episode. Juan Pablo gives the group date rose to Andi. He doesn’t make out with her.

At the cocktail party (ANOTHER COCKTAIL PARTY!) the girls produce more drama. Nikki is confronted by Claire about drama and being wrong for Juan Pablo. It’s dramatic. ABC chooses a score of music that would be used to set the scene for runaway train scene. The claws come out. Claire’s dad watches. It’s Grown Sexy.

There’s a bunch of talking. I sit through the talking because I’ve lost the will to live. Chris Harrison saves me by coming out and ending the cocktail party. What happened to the dog? They didn’t bring the dog to Korea??!!!!

The rose ceremony is next. Juan Pablo dumps two of his girlfriends. Lauren and Elise have to go back to the United States and wait for K-Pop to come and take over. Hopefully, they make it over to the Bachelor Mansion to feed that dog.

When Juan Pablo refused to kiss Lauren and she cried, he said, “You have to trust me.” I didn’t think he meant that he was going to dump her. It’s a great example for Camila, get a girl to trust you and then dump her. I’m not sure though. I’m not Venezuelan.

Next week, the group goes to Vietnam.

Greg Bauch recaps the Bachelor. If you missed the recap of the worst two hours in television history, click here.