Bachelor Recap – Gentlemen Prefer Blacked-Out Crotches

Chris Soules still hasn’t found true and everlasting love and it’s been three weeks. I know, I know, some people are so picky. You give a guy 29 or so girlfriends and then video tape him without a shirt and he can’t even find love in three weeks? This is taking forever. Luckily, Chris Harrison and the coked up bunch at ABC have stirred up fun and games to distract us. It’s ‘The Bachelor’, and it happens whether you like it or not.

If you are one of the almost 400 people in our Bachelor Fantasy League, you can get the updated Fantasy Standings here. Special thanks to Simone for being super smart and emailing me a spreadsheet that streamlines the score keeping process. I’m sending you a rose with my heart and mind, Simone.

On to the recap!

This week is new and different as ABC pulled the lever on cross promotion, bringing late night host Jimmy Kimmel in to spice things up. I like and respect Jimmy Kimmel, but I fear this will be a failed experiment in Network TV comedy. Jimmy Kimmel takes over the host duties, giving Chris Harrison a much needed night off. All of the grueling “announcing the final rose” duties fall on Kimmel’s shoulders.

Yep.

We begin with Jimmy Kimmel walking in to Chris the Farmer’s room to wake him up and surprise him. Chris the Farmer is super surprised. He totally didn’t see this coming. He had no idea. Even when crew was setting up the lighting and cameras and mapping out Kimmel’s entrance and then rehearsing it, he had no idea. It was a goofy surprise. They’re all such goofers. You guys totally LOLed, admit it.

The girls are all surprised too. They scream. Of course, they scream at everything, so it’s not a good gauge. Jimmy makes jokes while Chris Harrison stands next to him in his best casual wear. Harrison is wearing a sport coat and jeans. He’s like a 1980’s stand-up comic.

The girls read the first date card. Kaitlyn is going on a date with Chris the Farmer. I cannot recall ever seeing Kaitlyn before, but it’s early in the season. The young lovers drive to a Costco. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES!

The Costco date is super goofy. The kids are given a shopping list from Jimmy Kimmel and instructed to act like a real life couple. Jimmy Kimmel is coming over for dinner. They shop for stuff like ketchup. It happens. We watch it.

Costco looks like so much fun. They play in an inflatable ball with some parentless kids. Then, they make out… Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn, not the parentless kids. It’s super fun. Chris the Farmer says, “Who the hell needs helicopters when there’s Costco?” I’m sure Bachelor lawyers will make him pay for that statement.

When that’s over, they go home to cook dinner like a normal couple would. It’s normal, except for the motorcycle sitting in living room. The motorcycle is abnormal. They sit on a couch and make out like a normal couple. They laugh a lot. Seriously, why would you read this?

Jimmy Kimmel interrupts a slurpy make out session to bring more fun. Basically, Jimmy stands around and does schtick while everyone uncomfortably laughs. It’s uncomfortable, but normal… because Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn are a normal couple.

Jimmy asks some tough questions about Fantasy Suites. Kaitlyn doesn’t mind if Chris the Farmer sleeps with other women in the Fantasy Suite because “you can’t buy a car without test driving it first.” It’s a super creepy conversation. This is the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been, and I’ve been folded into a couch bed before. As soon as Jimmy Kimmel leaves, Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn make out in a hot tub. 10 points.

When we get back from commercial, they show Jillian working out. Her crotch is blacked out to protect the innocent. The group date is next. Only 47 women are involved. They take the harem to a farm so they can do farm stuff. It’s farmy. Kimmel calls it a Ho-down throw-down. The ladies are tasked with doing farmer-type stuff like shucking corn, egg collecting, goat milking and pig wrestling. It’s grown sexy.

Now, in the Fantasy League, I was giving 5 points for milking a cow, but I think we can all agree that a goat is close enough.

I’m not going to lie to you guys, watching the ladies milk goats was hilarious, especially with Jillian’s blacked-out crotch. Amber isn’t a fan of goat milk. She says she doesn’t like salty and warm stuff in her mouth. That’s farm speak as sexual innuendo! Five points for Amber! Carly shucks, milks and pig-wrestles her way to victory. She wins a ribbon, time with Chris the Farmer and memories.

The group date cocktail party is next. The group goes to one of the million outdoor pool places in Hollywood for drinks and awkwardness. Carly pulls Chris the Farmer aside immediately to make out with him. Four seconds later, Amber makes out with him. We’re 30 minutes in and there’s been a lot of slurping.

Mackenzie doesn’t like that her boyfriend makes out with all of his other girlfriends. She confronts him on it. It’s super comfortable. Chris the Farmer doesn’t like the question. It would appear that Mackenzie has blown her chances at being Mrs. Farmer.

Becca pulls Chris the Farmer aside to tell him that she only put her life on hold and took a chance because of who he is. Becca wants to make out with Chris the Farmer, but she’s shy. She talks about how she wants to make out with Chris the Farmer to make things as awkward as possible. She achieves maximum awkwardness. She also tells the camera that she’s developing a connection, earning her a point. Becca gets the group date rose. If this is your first time watching the show, getting the group date rose is a big deal. Keep up!

Whitney gets a one-on-one date. When the girls find out that Whitney is getting her one-on-one date, Ashley I. screams because she’s super excited for her friend to get alone time with her boyfriend. Ashley I. earns a point for pretending to be happy.

Chris the Farmer wears a bright pink shirt for their one-on-one date. Between Whitney’s voice and Chris’ shirt, I feel like I’m watching a cartoon. The happy couple sits on a bale of hay or something and drinks wine. It’s super romantic. It’s all I can do to not cry.

Chris the Farmer tells Whitney that he likes girls who can be spontaneous and mingle with strangers. In an incredible twist fate, it just so happens that there’s a wedding happening next to their hay bale, so they decide to go down and crash the wedding. It’s totally spontaneous and not at all planned! Whitney even says, “YOLO!” I’m not sure what that means. It’s completely unexpected!

Now remember, this is completely unplanned. It’s so unplanned that ABC only had time to have the couple change into clothes they just happen to have with them, get a wedding gift for the unexpected wedding crash bride and groom, and then set up hidden cameras to capture several angles of this completely spontaneous and unplanned event. It’s so random. You only YOLO once!

Whitney and Chris the Farmer mingle with the wedding guests, trying not to give themselves away. Chris the Farmer screws up and acts nervous, but Whitney pulls it together to keep the ruse alive. She’s super spontaneous and YOLO. Chris the Farmer should make her Whitney the Farmer.

Whitney and Chris the Farmer make out on the dance floor of their crashed wedding. You know, they may have crashed the wedding, but they certainly didn’t crash their relationship. It’s full speed ahead! These two can YOLO as many times as they want.

Whitney tells the camera that she can see herself with Chris Soules for the rest of her life. She says his name fast, so it sounds like she’s saying “crystals.” Crystals also tells the camera that he can imagine being with Whitney for the rest of his life. These guys are totally YOLOing until the goats come home.

Whitney says that she’s the happiest girl in the world. Too bad if you thought you were the happiest girl in the world, because you’re clearly second or maybe even third to Whitney. Try fake-crashing a wedding with your boyfriend and then maybe we can talk about you being happy. Until then, Whitney has you beat. As they go to commercial, ABC shows us the moon. These guys love that moon.

As we come back for commercial, we get to see Chris the Farmer showering. Jimmy Kimmel is showering with him. It’s super goofy. I LOL ‘cause YOLO. Jimmy Kimmel tells the girls that the cocktail party is being replaced by a pool party. It’s a good excuse to show more of Chris the Farmer’s chest. We also get to see more of Jillian’s blacked-out crotch. No matter what she’s wearing, it’s not covering enough. ABC doesn’t mind showing us full out tongues going into mouths for a half-hour, but don’t show a crotch without a black bar over it. It’s all just skin, ABC.

Immediately after showing us a blacked-out crotch, Juelia pulls Chris the Farmer aside to tell him about how the father of her child committed suicide. I don’t think it’s exactly pool party conversation, but I haven’t been to a ton of pool parties.

Juelia explains the traumatic memories leading up to her boyfriend’s suicide. ABC gives us “Juelia‘s boyfriend committed suicide” music. It’s a special mix. The suicide story takes about six minutes, which is a long time. It’s super dramatic and sad. Luckily, shirtless Chris the Farmer is there to console her. He even asks a Bachelor intern off camera for a tissue. He’s such a gentleman!

Four seconds after the grueling suicide story, we get back to the fun pool party. Chris the Farmer gets some alone time with Britt. They make out with Juelia’s suicide story fresh on his mind. The other girls sit around drinking and watching Chris the Farmer make out with the more aggressive girls.

Jade ups her game and YOLOs. She grabs Chris the Farmer and brings him back to his house. Chris the Farmer says he wants to test his bed, so he gets a running start and jumps on his bed. When it’s Jade’s turn to test the bed, she kind of half-asses it. She hardly even jumps. You can’t test the bed without jumping on it. Now, if they want to spend the night on the bed, they’ll never know if its going to crash and fall apart. The bed hasn’t been properly tested!!!

Chris the Farmer doesn’t care about Jade’s bed-testing skills because he agrees to make out with her. Jade’s bathing suit is nude colored, so it looks like they’re showing her boobs, but they’re not. I guess this show has some rules.

Jillian and her blacked out crotch realize what’s going on and she decides to YOLO herself into the scene. She interrupts Jade’s YOLO for her own personal YOLO. Jillian and Chris the Farmer hang out in a hot tub. They talk and hug, and then make out. 5 points. This guy makes out with a lot of women. He’s such a gentleman!

Mackenzie interrupts the hot tub make out session. This girl already talked her way off the show, now she’s interrupting hot tub make out sessions! Mackenzie isn’t doing well tonight.

Other girls join the hot tub make out interruption to talk. The girls openly discuss the allocation of alone time with Chris the Farmer. They say things like, “Do you want to get 5 minutes of alone time now and I’ll get 5 minutes after that?” It’s prostitutioney.

Ashley I. freaks out because she doesn’t want to talk with a bunch of Chris the Farmer’s girlfriends. She wants to be Chris the Farmer’s only girlfriend. Boy, is she on the wrong show!

Ashley I. wants Jillian to give her free time with Chris the Farmer, but Jillian won’t. People with blacked out crotches can be so rude. Ashley I. cries to the camera about how unfair life is, and I tend to agree. I don’t think this is fair at all. It’s unfair. There, I said it. If you’re a girl dating a guy who is also dating 20 or so other women, you should give those other women alone time with your boyfriend. I’m pretty sure that’s one of Moses’ commandments.

Ashley I. runs back to the mansion. It’s her way of dealing with it all. She drops her plastic wine glass. I think it’s a metaphor. YOLO.

Chris the Farmer tracks her down to make her feel better. He’s such a gentleman. He tries to comfort Ashley I., but she’s really drunk and emotional. They’re both kind of drunk. Replace “kind of” with “really”. You’re not going to believe this, but they totally make out. It’s the most slurpy make out session of all slurpy make out sessions. It’s the 1927 Yankee batting lineup of making out. Sports quota filled. We’ve reached new levels of slurp. Life will never be the same. It’s like when people die for a minute and see heaven.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Time has just flown by because we were all having so much fun. You guys were having so much fun, admit it. Chris the Farmer dumps a couple of his girlfriends.

Even though she questioned Chris the Farmer’s kissing and interrupted his hot tub make out session, Mackenzie got a rose. Because she didn’t do anything psychopathy, Ashley S. got a rose. I guess ABC decided it wasn’t time to send her home. They’re the boss. Megan gets a rose because she has giant boobs.

Amber got some points this week, but she didn’t get a rose. Some girl named Tracy was sent home. I didn’t know anything about her. Another girl didn’t get a rose and I don’t know who she was. It doesn’t matter. Whitney was right. YOLO. I’m going to YOLO all of the time now.

Don’t forget to listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, my awesome podcast with Shaun Murphy where we discuss all of this stuff. It’s fun and we’re allowed to show boobs.