Shawn’s Face is Going to Explode

Fantasy Suite date week is the most important thing in American culture. There’s our flag, liberty, value meal menu items, British reality TV judges and Fantasy Suite dates. That’s the American culture power rankings right there.

Kaitlyn has slept with one of her boyfriends. Per Chris Harrison’s orders, she will now sleep with the other four to help her determine which ones to dump and which three get to move forward with her in the journey to find true love. The preview footage shows that she will also tell her other boyfriends that she slept with Nick. It’s the Nick situation. It’s The Bachelorette.

When we last left our favorite show, Kaitlyn left Chris on an Irish cliff to cry himself to death. It’s been a week, but Chris is still crying. He’s crying so hard. He’s like the Lou Gehrig of crying. Look, this is going to be a super dramatic episode tonight, so I wanted to get the sports reference out of the way immediately so I could concentrate on how dramatic everything is going to be. Things are going to go a million miles an hour, so keep up!

Kaitlyn walks around Ireland and thinks about her journey for love. She stands on an Irish hill and looks off in the distance while thinking. It’s thinkey. There’s just so much thinking. It really makes you think.

While Kaitlyn is thinking, her boyfriends sit in a hotel room and talk to each other about this very same journey. It’s kind of ‘out loud’ thinking. As they think, a date card arrives to announce that Ben H. is getting a 1-on-1 date. The other boyfriends wish him luck on his date with their girlfriend.

Kaitlyn finishes thinking in time to date Ben H. They walk up to a rowboat. It’s a rowboat date, in a rowboat. ABC is poor, now. They’ve run out of ideas AND money.

Ben H. and Kaitlyn row their rowboat in an Irish lake. It’s pretty thrilling. They row up to an island called Innisfallen Island and immediately begin a high stakes game of hide and seek. Although Kaitlyn and Ben H. are super fast in their hiding and seeking, well-trained camera professionals capture the moments of the hide and seek game. These guys are pros. I’m watching two grown adults play hide and seek on an Irish island. It’s a dream come true for me. It’s a dream come true for you guys too, admit it.

Ben H. has cheered Kaitlyn up. She’s downright cheery, and no longer thinking. They sit on a rock to drink alcohol. Ireland looks fun. They talk and there’s talking. We listen to the talking. It happens. It happens for about 3 minutes. Ben H. tells Kaitlyn what he believes love to be. Kaitlyn nods. Then, they make out. I’d yell at you to keep up, but I know it’s impossible. There’s just too much happening. They’re making out again and I think I might need a paper bag to breathe into.

Just when we’re all having a ton of fun with Kaitlyn and Ben H. giving themselves beer foam mustaches, Ben H. opens up. ABC plays ‘Ben H. Is Opening Up’ music. Ben H. was burned by his ex-girlfriend and he feel like he might not be loveable. Ben H. thinks it’s not possible for a woman to love him. Well, it’s making me hate him, so he might be on to something.

Kaitlyn falls for it. She loves that Ben H. doesn’t think he’s loveable. She feels that his fear of unloveability makes him more loveable. He’s non-unloveable. Ben H. can be loved, you guys.

The subject of an overnight date comes up and Ben H. doesn’t reference having sex with Kaitlyn, so Kaitlyn asks him if he’s a virgin. I feel like that’s kind of a rude thing to ask someone on TV, but I’m not a Bachelorette, so I don’t know. Ben H. says “no” and they totally laugh a bunch because it’s super funny. You guys laughed too, admit it. Then, they make out. I think the slurping on this show has given me permanent hearing loss. I wonder if I can sue The Bachelorette. I have pages of evidence that could sway any jury. Is anyone reading this a lawyer? Did anyone read down this far?

There’s a group date next. Shawn, Nick and Joe travel with Kaitlyn to a castle with benches. It’s super romantic. Shawn grabs Kaitlyn right away to talk. See, I told you guys this was a fast-paced episode. We are getting down to it! They immediately start making out to get it out of the way. Everyone feels better, for a second. Kaitlyn needs to tell Shawn about the Nick situation and she’s nervous about it. This is what is known in this recap as the Shawn situation. Just as she’s about to spill the Nick situation beans, Nick walks up and interrupts them. It’s interrupty.

What follows is more talking. Holy shit, these people love to talk. I’d kill for a private Cranberries concert or something. I’d be happy with some more moon footage. I hate these people and their talking. If I ever meet any of you in public, let’s agree to never talk to each other.

While Nick and Kaitlyn talk, Shawn tries to coax Joe into interrupting the conversation. Joe and Shawn like each other. They’ve become more than Kaitlyn’s boyfriends. They’ve become friends. When Shawn references Nick, he calls Nick “the other guy.” Shawn refuses to say Nick’s name. I guess Nick is like that guy Harry Potter… Lord Nick, or something.

Joe eventually gets some Kaitlyn time. Joe wants to tell Kaitlyn he’s in love with her. My wife yells out, “Don’t do it, you’re going home.” Joe doesn’t listen. He makes out with Kaitlyn. I wonder how Nick and Shawn taste. Joe goes on to tell Kaitlyn that he loves her. It’s awkward. She doesn’t really take it well. She kind of just stare at him. If you’re a guy and you tell a woman that you love her, and she just stares at you, finish her fries and leave the restaurant… or Irish castle or wherever you are at the time. Kaitlyn tells the camera that she has to make important decisions this week because she’s reached an important point in her Bachelorettedome. Translation: Joe is going home alone.

I don’t know why but the girl in the new Yoplait commercials will give me nightmares.

Joe doesn’t understand his dumping

As we come back from commercial, ABC shows us some Irish horses. I guess they just run around there. Kaitlyn is in the middle of dumping Joe. It continues. We watch it. Kaitlyn says she wants to be brutally honest with Joe. Then, she dumps him. It’s brutally honest. Joe nods. I wouldn’t make out with a guy I was about to dump, but I’m not the Bachelorette. Joe gets kind of mad because he put himself out there and got dumped. Kaitlyn doesn’t think the dumping should get in the way of what they had for five weeks. Joe does. He ends things angrily. I like Joe, now. He’s my favorite. Anything no longer involved with this show is my favorite.

Kaitlyn goes back to Nick and Shawn without Joe. Joe’s gone. She sends Nick back to the hotel and tells Shawn that she needs more time with him tonight. She’s going to handle the Shawn situation. Shawn is super happy and laughs because he thinks he’s getting more alone time with Kaitlyn. He doesn’t realize that he’s going to find out that Nick already planted his flag. That’s a metaphor. Keep up!

Nick goes back to the hotel to talk to the other non-Shawn boyfriends, Ben H. and Jared. Shawn walks up to a pub to meet Kaitlyn and find out about the Nick situation. The music says “Kaitlyn is about to tell Shawn about the Nick situation.” Shawn’s face is red. Shawn looks more and more like a gargoyle every week. The Shawn situation has really taken its toll on Shawn’s face.

Kaitlyn powers through the Shawn situation by telling Shawn about the Nick situation. Shawn is no longer happy. He’s the opposite of happy. He’s like me watching this show.

Shawn doesn’t say anything for 8 minutes. We are forced to watch his red, crooked face for 8 minutes. He finally asks Kaitlyn if she regrets having sex with Nick. She says that she felt guilty. She should feel guilty for sleeping with her boyfriend. How dare she??!!!

Shawn says that he’s going to go to the bathroom. I really hope the camera guys don’t have to go in there with him. I also hope he turns his microphone off. As we transistion from the Shawn situation, ABC shows us the moon. It’s about time. Cameras take us back to the boyfriend hotel. Keep up! Nick is not feeling confident about staying. The other guys listen to him talk about his lack of confidence. They nod a lot. It’s noddy.

We’re back to the pub. Shawn is still in the bathroom. He says, out loud, “I’m so tense right now I can’t even piss.” So, he left his mic on. I hate this show. Shawn comes down without pissing. He’s just going to have to pee twice as much now. As a guy who has experienced some stage fright in my life, I know how that goes.

Shawn thanks Kaitlyn for telling him about the Nick situation. He’s not happy, but he appreciates her honesty. Shawn is still here for Kaitlyn and says, “I’m just going to man up, fight through it and deal with it.” Shawn is here for the right reasons, you guys! He says that Kaitlyn is worth it. She’s worth the Nick situation. Kaitlyn tells Shawn that she cares, too. Apparently, she doesn’t care very much about Jared or Ben H., because she didn’t tell them about the Nick situation. This looks like a two horse race.

Shawn returns to the boyfriend hotel and greets the other boyfriends. They all smile and shake hands because they enjoy each others’ company and it doesn’t matter at all that they’re dating the same woman.

The cocktail party is next. One man will be sent home and they all talk about that. There’s just so much talking. Shawn still isn’t sure that he’ll accept a rose because he’s had a lot of time to think about the Nick situation.

Chris Harrison lays down the groundwork for the evening of fun. There will be no cocktail party. Kaitlyn has her mind made and wants to get straight to the boyfriend dumping portion of the evening. A horse carriage takes the gentlemen to another Irish mansion. There are so many mansions in this country.

Combustible faces!

Kaitlyn gives a speech about her feelings. Then, she gives Shawn a rose. He tells her they need to talk. You can’t do that, Shawn! This show has no rules!!!!!! Shawn’s face is crimson and ready to burst.

So, what happens if he leaves? Is Kaitlyn all, “Hey you three, I was gonna dump Shawn anyway, so all three of you get roses.” Does she dump another guy anyway? Does ABC go back to that Irish pub to find some guy named Fitz McGee to step in? Will Kaitlyn and Fitz McGee find love? Is Fitz McGee here for the right reasons? Will there be a Fitz McGee situation? Did you guys read down this far? Answer me!

There’s no time to go into the Fitz McGee situation because Shawn is talking to Kaitlyn. She’s listening. We watch her listen. It’s all happening now. Shawn isn’t sure about their future. He’s still mad that Kaitlyn told him he was the one when he clearly wasn’t. Kaitlyn says that she came here to explore other relationships because, when this is done, she’ll never explore another one (for six weeks). She says that she made a mistake telling Shawn he was the one and also made a mistake having sex with Nick. She’s made two mistakes. That happens when you explore relationships.

Kaitlyn tells Shawn that he needs to trust her and she doesn’t think he does. Kaitlyn brings Shawn into the other room and asks him again if he’ll accept the rose. He accepts it. So, no one dumped anyone? There wasn’t a dumping? We move forward sans dump? What a rip off!

Nick and Ben H. get a rose. Jared does not. So, Kaitlyn dumps Jared. We got a dumping, but we all knew that dumping was going to happen anyway. It was not a dramatic dumping. It was just a dumping; a normal, everyday Irish dumping.

Chris Harrison apologizes to Jared for his dumping and asks him to say goodbye to the other boyfriends. Kaitlyn walks him out into the Irish night. Jared handles his dumping really well. He offers Kaitlyn his jacket, tells her that she’s special and tells her to make sure that she finds the man of her dreams. THAT IS HOW YOU GET DUMPED, DUDES! JARED CAME CORRECT!

Kaitlyn cries a ton because Jared handled the dumping so well. She’s probably having second thoughts. Jared got dumped so well that she’ll probably want to dump him again and again for years.

When Jared gets into his confessional limo, the tears roll. Jared does some crying. It’s crying with dignity, though. Jared’s heart has an ouchey. He really liked that Kaitlyn girl. The big question now is, will Jared be a candidate to be the next Bachelor? I think the answer is no, but I’m not a terrible ABC executive in charge of keeping this horse crap show on the air for two decades, so I wouldn’t know.

We move on without Jared. I hope, somewhere out there, he’s being dumped by a girl and handling it like a pro. Nick gets the first intimate, overnight 1-on-1 date with Kaitlyn. They meet outside. I think they’re still in Ireland, but I wasn’t really paying attention. It looks European, at least.

Kaitlyn and Nick go into a church. Why does ABC keep putting these horn balls in churches? The happy couple lights a candle and sits down in a pew. I don’t know him, but I’m pretty sure God wants this. They leave the church to walk around Ireland. It’s Irelandy. They’re still in Ireland. Nick talks about the first time he touched his privates. Kaitlyn talks about her first kiss.

Some Irish locals sit near Kaitlyn and Nick to talk. Kaitlyn can’t understand them because of their thick Irish accents. Despite the language barrier, the group manages to have a good time. The drunk Irish guys give Nick and Kaitlyn marriage advice while ABC plays soft music. It’s super romantic, you guys. There’s totally something in my eye.

As we come back from commercial, ABC shows us ducks. They are Irish ducks. Cameras capture Shawn thinking about Kaitlyn and Nick being together. He isn’t happy because he doesn’t want Kaitlyn to be with Nick. We can see the unhappiness in his purple face. His face is now purple. This guy needs some stress relief. As we transition back to the Nick date, ABC shows us the moon. These guys love their moon.

Nick and Kaitlyn sit on an Irish couch to talk. Good news, guys! More talking!!!! Nick reveals to Kaitlyn that he doesn’t like Shawn. He doesn’t respect Shawn and Shawn’s moping around. While Kaitlyn is in the middle of defending her decision to bring Shawn to this point in the game show, it starts to rain. Kaitlyn thinks the rain is a sign from God that her game show is in trouble. The music gets dramatic. I’m totally freaking out because, what if God is mad at Kaitlyn? What if he smotes her? Does God still smote? Is Kaitlyn smotable? Why doesn’t my computer think smotable is a word? Maybe Clare’s dad is making it rain.

Despite the rain, they keep talking. We watch it. Nick isn’t sorry for falling in love with Kaitlyn and she doesn’t want him to be sorry. They’re super happy to be together and the music gets all sweet and romantic again. Then, they make out. God does not smote.

Kaitlyn reaches over and grabs Chris Harrison’s invitation for them to have sex with each other in the Fantasy Suite. Nick accepts the sex invitation. They go up to their sex room to make the sex. The mansion they’re in is some sort of prison. It’s a dark, miserable place. It’s very much like the place I’m in emotionally. Kaitlyn was just joking though, because it’s not their real Fantasy Suite. She’s such a goof! She was totally goofing! You guys fell for it, admit it.

The real Fantasy Suite is super nice. They do more talking there. We listen to it. I hope they turn their microphones off soon, because I don’t want to hear the sex. We get some great footage of Kaitlyn and Nick lying next to each other on a bed while he gropes her butt. I didn’t absolutely need to see it, but that’s ABC for you. They’ll just barrel straight into the butt grope without asking. ABC don’t hold back a good butt grope.

There are only five minutes left in the show and ABC has teased all episode that Shawn is going to try to call Nick’s room to interrupt Kaitlyn and Nick’s alone time together. It hasn’t happened yet! WHEN WILL IT HAPPEN??

It’s the next morning and Kaitlyn and Nick are eating breakfast. We are watching two people eat breakfast. Nick isn’t wearing a shirt. Kaitlyn says they talked a lot and got to know each other. She doesn’t tell us whether or not they had sex, so we don’t know yet if there’s reason for her to feel shame.

Shawn finally calls Nick’s room. He wasn’t trying to interrupt their time. He wanted to talk to Nick to tell him that he doesn’t like him. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Shawn is a gentleman. Shawn goes to Nick’s room for the confrontation. The confrontation happens pretty fast. They barrel straight into the confrontation. Shawn’s face goes deep purple.

Shawn tells Nick that he’s here for the wrong reasons. Nick yells that Shawn and says Shawn didn’t take the time to get to know him and that he’s here for Kaitlyn. It’s all happening too fast. It doesn’t happen fast enough because the show is over. It ended, mid-confrontation. Next week, Kaitlyn cries a ton because her two boyfriends hate each other.

We get a Britt update. Brady Kurt Bert and Britt are still together, but they’re going to date long-distance, so it’s basically over. RIP Britt- Brady Kurt Bert.