When you’re in Brussels, you stand against a railing and think.
This is a tough week, Bachelorette fans. Andi has taken her six boyfriends to Brussels. Only four of those boyfriends will still be boyfriends by the end of the night. There’s so much drama. The episode preview shows us that all of the guys are in love or in the process of falling in love with Andi. If this were a Bachelorette video game, you’d see six little ‘Love’ meters on top of the screen and each of them would be almost full of love. And, if you have just run out of your house to go and design and create a Bachelorette video game, I want 10%.
We begin in Brussels with Brussels footage. We get to see Brussels buildings and Brusselonians meandering about. Andi talks about how Brussels is a cultural melting pot because people speak French, Dutch and Flemish. Where is Flem? At the Tops on Niagara Street, you can buy Spanish magazines, so I know about melting pots.
The guys are excited to be in Brussels. One of them says, “Dude, we’re in Brussels!”
Scarves!
Chris Harrison drops in on the guys’ hotel room and welcomes them to Brussels. He gives them the scoop. There will be a pair of one-on-one dates and one group date. The only rose up for grabs before the rose ceremony is on the group date. All of the guys have been instructed by ABC producers to choose between wearing a hoodie sweatshirt or a ridiculously big scarf. Seriously, it goes hoodie, scarf, hoodie, scarf, hoodie, scarf.
Before we begin the show, everyone takes a moment to hate Nick V. Did you guys hate Nick V. at home? Nick V. displays confidence in his chances of landing Andi. Nick is a super evil villain for having confidence in his ability to win over the girl he’s dating. He should be shot.
Marcus gets the first one-on-one date. He quickly changes his clothes and doesn’t wear a hoodie or a scarf. I’m confused. What’s the point of being in Brussels if you don’t wear a hoodie or a scarf?
Andi and Marcus happen upon a street corner café. They’re eating mussels in Brussels. It rhymes. These Bachelor producers are brilliant. Mussels in Brussels! Andi and Marcus should somehow scam the waiter out of some extra mussels. It would be a mussel hustle in Brussels. I hope a street gang doesn’t storm into their café and cause a tussle in Brussels. If we’re lucky, a cab with Kurt and Mr. Crowe will drive by and we’ll have some Russells in Brussels. How come you guys didn’t read down this far?
When you’re in a castle in Brussels, you eat!
After eating, Andi and Marcus eat dinner in a castle. That’s the only place Bachelorette people eat. If you’re eating, you’re likely in or adjacent to a castle. I thought castles were for protecting armies and storing away women with long hair. When did castles turn into Mickey D’s?
Instead of eating, Marcus talks about the fact that his father left when he was young and his mother used to beat him. You know, typical dinner conversation. It’s a pretty dry and emotional 15 minutes of television.
When he’s done opening up, Marcus opens up some more. Marcus is totally in love with Andi and tells her that he’s in love with her. Marcus and Andi make out. They go outside and make out more. There’s more slurping in the last 4 minutes than you’d find at a soup buffet. There’s been a ton of it. 7 points worth.
Back at the hotel, Dylan brings in the next date card. Keep up! It’s addressed only to Josh, the baseball player. He’s excited. You can see it all over the chest he chooses to display to a roomful of guys.
The big jerk Nick acts like a big jerk. He wants to sneak into Andi’s room. He walks down to the receptionist with a full camera crew to pretend like he lost his room key to gain access to the Dorfman dorm. The super intelligent staff member of the hotel doesn’t think it’s weird at all that a man with a camera guy behind him wants a key to a room while not knowing which room it is. She gives him a key card. It looks like post-9/11 security measures do not exist in Brussels.
Andi is super surprised to see Nick. She can’t even believe he showed up at her hotel room unexpectedly. It’s so surprising that she can barely even comprehend, even though she answered the door on the first knock and is wearing a microphone. It’s such a shock. You have no idea.
Andi and Nick go for a walk in the Brussels night air. What a super big jerk! He’s not playing by the rules! This show has no rules! By the way, Nick gets 10 points in the Fantasy League for sneaking away to the Bachelorette’s room. Why didn’t you draft a team?
Andi and Nick smooch on a bench in Brussels. It’s a lot like a Hemingway poem, I think. I’ve never read Hemingway. When they’re done with bench smooch, Nick V. pins Andi up against a Brussels building and goes to TOWN on her. She’s getting dental work. It’s slurpy
Josh has the next one-on-one date. He’s excited and expresses his excitement with his words. Andi and Josh walk around “the part of Brussels that wasn’t burned down during the wars”. That’s what Andi calls it, anyway. Which wars, Andi? I? II? Pepsi v. Coke? Team Jacob v. Team Edward?
They walk around Brussels some more. Keep up! Some geese march by. It’s exciting. I’ve got to get to Brussels. After eating on TV, they walk into a giant church, light a candle, and Josh kisses Andi’s head after lighting the candle and says “Nice!” Seriously, keep up!
Josh admits to Andi that he’s falling in love with her. She’s super excited that he finally used the word “love” in a sentence that didn’t involve the words “sleeveless shirts”. You just know that producers sat this man down and told him, “You’re going to have to use the word ‘love’ soon. She’ll send you home! Play the game!”
Andi and Josh make out super loud. He even moans while he’s making out on TV. He moans! There’s so much slurping and moaning. It’s like watching a fat guy eat really delicious spaghetti. That’s sexist. It could be a really fat woman eating delicious spaghetti. I need to open my mind.
Andi and Josh skip through Brussels and happen upon a private concert by a band called ‘American Young’. They’re in Brussels! Why isn’t the private concert by ‘Brussels Young’? This is supposed to be a melting pot!
A bunch of older people sit on folding chairs and listen to some band sing words in a foreign language while two idiots stand in the middle of them and dance. It’s not the least bit weird. 10 points!
The group date is next. It occurs in “the country side of Brussels”, according to Andi. I don’t know what that means either. They walk up to another castle. I hope they eat in it. These are actually castle ruins. Dylan points out that the ruins have stood the test of time. He also points out that he’s hoping his love with Andi will stand the test of time. I hate this show… so much, I hate this show.
Andi makes the guys pedal a railroad cart or something. I blacked out for a moment over the “test of time” thing. There’s 4 solid minutes of pedaling. This show has no rules… or content.
Andi brings the guys to sacred ground. It’s a monastery where monks study spirituality and stuff. For some reason, the sacred ground beneath these people doesn’t smoke and fester. Andi tells them that the one rule is ‘No kissing’. This should be a short group date.
The group of hornballs sits on a bench without kissing. I’m already uncomfortable. There’s no kissing. What are they going to do? Talk?
Andi takes Chris the farmer to a pottery barn. Not The Pottery Barn. It’s an actual pottery barn. I was disappointed because I like Pottery Barn. They do clay like the movie Ghost and then they make out. I thought they couldn’t make out? Is pottery barn off limits to monastery rules? Is it an off-site pottery barn? Is it like the make-out embassy? I know the show has no rules, but monasteries have rules. They have serious rules. Have you ever seen ‘The Next Karate Kid’? It’s all rules! How come you guys never answer my questions?
After making out with Chris the farmer, Andi announces that she will soon give out the group date rose and the guys who don’t receive the group date rose will immediately go back to their Brussels hotel. If this is your first time reading this recap, that’s a huge deal.
While Andi hangs out with Dylan, Nick V. talks with the other two guys. He manages to wear the biggest and most ridiculous scarf ever. Coach Brian is wearing a hoodie. Scarves and hoodies, guys!
When Coach Brian gets his alone time with Andi, he tells her that he loves her and that he’s never said that to anyone before. How is that possible? I mean, I once told a beer display cardboard cutout of Kathy Ireland that I loved her. We still talk every once in awhile.
Coach Brian doesn’t like Nick or Nick’s scarf (I assume). He tells the other guys that Nick is fake. If you’re keeping score at home, the guy on a Reality TV show dating a woman who is dating multiple other guys thinks that one of those guys is fake.
Nick V. and Andi sit on sacred ground and whisper about how they can’t kiss. They get really close and pretend like they’re about to kiss. Nick tells the camera that he respects the sacred ground monks, so he doesn’t kiss her. I told you guys that he was here for the right reasons! I’ll bet the monks where watching on closed circuit television and, when Nick didn’t make out with Andi, they all jumped up and high-fived each other.
It’s time to give out the group date rose. The person who gets the rose is guaranteed of a hometown date. Hometown dates are huge, you guys! Andi gives the rose to Nick V. That sound you just heard was drama!
Nick is all sorts of confident now. He gets extra time with Andi while the other guys leave, filled with hatred for Nick. The music playing as the guys leave their group date is comparable to the music played when a movie character is escorted by corrections officers to the electric chair.
The jilted guys swear and brood in their limo. They are upset. I should point out, Dylan is wearing a hoodie. Coach Brian says that Nick V. is a snake. Chris the farmer says that Nick V. isn’t real. Nothing really makes sense.
Andi and Nick V. have a super slurpy make-out session, now free from the shackles of monk oppression. They talk about meeting Nick’s family and how he’s falling in love. What a snake!
Back at the hotel, the guys speculate about Nick’s intentions. They think he’ll walk away from Andi during the finale. They think he just wants to be on TV. They say all of this in a room full of cameras and sound operators and producers.
For their remainder of their alone time, Andi and Nick V. make out and then watch Brussels fireworks. No one draws a parallel between fireworks and love, so I feel lost.
As Nick V. returns to the hotel, the other guys were sitting around talking about how much they hate him. What follows is uncomfortable silence. Someone coughs. Coach Brian breaks the silence by yelling at Nick. The rest of the guys jump in and confront him about his confidence. They think he knows too much about the show and is playing a game. Nick defends himself. There’s a lot of talking. It’s confronty. I feel confronted.
Everyone thinks Nick is here for the wrong reasons. He’s still not getting the Fantasy points for it because I don’t believe he’s here for the wrong reasons. I think he’s here for the right reasons. This scene is 10 minutes of yelling the word “reasons” coupled with dramatic music. Aren’t you glad you read down this far?
The cocktail party is next. It’s in a castle, or something. The guys are all gripping about their chances of bringing Andi home to meet their family. It’s a big deal. If you introduce a girl to your family on television, it’s legally binding.
Andi arrives to the castle wearing a dress that is cut up to her throat. She should have worn that dress to the monastery. Andi talks to a bunch of guys. There’s talking. Chris the farmer tells Andi that he’s falling in love with her and wants to take her to Iowa where there are no mimes. He almost cries while practically begging her for a rose. It’s a bit desperate. I’ll bet all of the farmers watching at home are like, “Dude!”
Nick V. interrupts Coach Brian’s alone time even though he has a rose because he’s a big jerk. He feels bad about it and feels bad about the fact that the other guys hate him. Nick V. cries. He gets 5 points for crying. I’m not sure if these are real tears. I don’t know how I feel about Nick V. now. I’m confused.
Chris the farmer isn’t happy that Andi likes Nick V. He pulls her aside to tell her some more stuff about stuff. Andi thinks Chris the farmer is leaving the show. He’s not. He’s a farmer. Farmers don’t leave. They stay and farm. Chris the farmer makes out with Andi outside. Andi tells the camera, “You go, farmer!” I’m going to print up a bunch of ‘You Go, Farmer!’ t-shirts. If you guys want to buy one, they’re $78.
The rose ceremony is next. I just realized that I haven’t breathed in 40 minutes. That has to be a record. The guys line up and hope for roses. None of them are wearing scarves, so it’s anyone’s game. Before dumping two of her boyfriends, Andi calls them “My sweet six”. I’m going to print up a bunch of ‘Sweet Six’ t-shirts. If you guys want to buy one, they’re $78.
Andi sends home Coach Brian and Dylan. There’s no way Dylan has said more than three words this season. Coach Brian was too coachey. It’s too bad that this show was less about basketball and more about finding love and giant scarves.
Dylan and Coach Brian hug the boyfriends of their ex-girlfriend. They hug Andi goodbye, but she does not follow them out to sit on a bench and explain why she dumped them. It’s shocking.
Dylan cries in front of the camera and declares that he deserves to fall in love again. 5 points. It’s pretty emotional. It makes a certain part of his heart hurt. You guys, Dylan is having pain in his corpuscles in Brussels! You guys are jerks.
Coach Brian is super emotional but doesn’t cry. Andi cries a lot. She ruins her make-up. Eleven seconds after breaking two guys’ hearts, she smiles and tells her remaining boyfriends, “I’m so excited to meet y’all’s families.” They all laugh.
Coach Brian hears the laughing during his private confessional and starts to cry. 5 points at the buzzer for the basketball coach! Sports quota filled!!!! At the buzzer!!!! Count it!!!!
Update Fantasy League scoring can be found here.
