So, we’re done with all the introduction crap and ready for actual televised dating. Becca Kufrin, our new Bachelorette, will go out with her 24 boyfriends and make out with a bunch of them. She’s going to lick the inside of one of her boyfriend’s mouth and then not rinse before licking the inside of a different boyfriend’s mouth 4 minutes later. It’s disgusting and overt. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
Note: You don’t care, but I have an Achilles heel injury causing me tremendous pain, so this recap is going to be even angrier than usual. I apologize in advance.
Trampy, vapid Becca begins this week by riding a bike down the street. It’s super pointless, like everything else that’s about to happen. She thinks about her journey. I’m miserable.
Becca’s boyfriends stand on the balcony of the Bachelor mansion and yell out Becca’s name because ABC hasn’t had an idea since F Troop. Chris Harrison gathers the men and tells them that they need to be serious because they’re competing for Becca’s love, and that’s super serious. The guys give serious nods because everything is serious.
The first date is a group date. Becca takes about 8 of her boyfriends to a tuxedo place. The guys all take off their shirts so ABC camera guys can capture the abs. This is serious. Abs are captured on film. I saw the abs. You guys saw the abs too, admit it.
Jordan Male Model acts like a jerky jerk, as instructed by producers. Later, Becca takes them outside to do something stupid. Rachel and Brian, last season’s Bachelorette and her Game Show prize are outside to be on TV again because ABC thinks we want that. It’s revealed that the guys will tackle a muddy obstacle course while wearing tuxedos. What a juxtaposition! Can you imagine running through the mud in a tuxedo???!!! That’s crazy! They’re gonna mess up their tuxedos! Guys! Tuxedos!
The object of the game is to drag a ball and chain through obstacles. Get it? Balls and chains? Like marriage? You guys get it, admit it. ABC does this wedding challenge thing every season. They have no ideas. The guy who finishes first wins a prize, or something. I don’t care. The guys are wearing goggles. What did I do to God?
The obstacle course is stupid. They sit in cold, icy water. They run. There’s mud. This is all really helping Becca get to know these men she intends to marry someday. I know, when my parents met, my mom made my dad sit in water for 30 seconds to get to know him. They fight constantly now.
A guy named Lincoln wins the stupid obstacle course. The second place guy complains that Lincoln pushed him and cheated to win. He says that Lincoln has no character. I’m just mad because Bachelorette obstacle courses don’t have replay review. That play should have been overturned.
Because he won, Lincoln thinks he can just pull Becca aside and get alone time with her during a GROUP DATE! Lincoln is a huge jerk and the other guys are mad at him. You guys were mad too, admit it. Becca gives Lincoln a wedding picture from their stupid obstacle course date. He loves the picture.
Lincoln and Becca kiss. Sorry, I typed that incorrectly, Lincoln swallows Becca’s face with his mouth. It’s an aggressive kiss. I’ve seen mall kiosk lotion salesmen less aggressive than Lincoln’s kiss. It’s uncomfortable. Lincoln says, “Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus, while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold, and more.” I say that “Listening to Lincoln talk is like flying to the moon on a rocket that’s thrust up my backside while chewing on tinfoil with disco music playing.”
Don’t act like you’ve never kissed a picture of a girl before
Lincoln revels in his victory. He takes his picture of him and Becca and talks to it. Lincoln kisses his picture. He flaunts it to the other boyfriends and they notice. Villains gotta vil. The other guys take exception to Lincoln’s behavior and scold him for it. Connor actually takes the picture and throws it across the room because he’s tired of looking at it. Blake takes it one step further and throws the picture into the Bachelor mansion pool. Things are getting testy in paradise. It’s almost as if Bachelorette producers did personality tests to get contestants who would clash, and then spent time encouraging them to fight and argue.
Becca likes Jean Blanc. She sits on a couch with him and says nice things. It’s nice that they’re able to get past all the drama and explore love. Becca and Jean Blanc make out and he doesn’t even swallow her face. You call that a kiss, Jean Blanc? How is it a kiss if you don’t even taste a girl’s gallbladder? Nice try, rookie.
We’re back to the drama. Keep up! Lincoln snitches to Becca that Connor threw away his picture. Lincoln says that Connor threatened him physically. He says that Connor MIGHT NOT BE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!
Becca is concerned. She goes to Connor to see if he has anger issues. She should just ask Chris Harrison why he purposely chooses guys with anger issues instead of actually helping Becca find a husband, but nah.
Connor explains that he overreacted when he threw the picture. Becca doesn’t buy it. She’s questioning Connor. It’s super questioney. ABC even plays questioney music! Whoa! Connor thinks he’ going home and he could be right. The good news is, none of this matters. We’re all going to die someday.
Becca gives the group date rose to Jean Blanc because he didn’t wrap his jaws around her cheekbones when he kissed her. Then, she goes home. What a date!
It’s the next day. Keep up! The guys are sitting around talking about the group date. Lincoln has tears in his eyes as he talks about his picture that Connor threw away. The other boyfriends console the man dating their girlfriend. It’s consoley. These guys are good friends. It doesn’t even matter that they all want to have sex with Becca; they’re bonding!
Connor and Jordan aren’t buying the act. They think Lincoln is a big faker, crying over his lost picture. Connor and Jordan are villains of the villain. It’s like villain inception. Villains of villains gotta vil.
Becca’s first 1-on-1 date is next. Blake gets the date. Becca takes him to an abandoned warehouse where Chris Harrison hands them sledgehammers. You know, typical date stuff. I have the feeling they’ll really get to know each other.
When Becca and Blake walk into the warehouse, there’s a bunch of stuff that reminds Becca of Arie, the guy who dumped her. Lil Jon the rapper is also in the warehouse and tells them to smash stuff. I’m gonna leave it up you guys to decide whether or not I’m lying. I’m not lying.
Becca and Blake smash a bunch of stuff with sledge hammers while Lil’ Jon plays music. This is the stuff Dante wrote about. There’s nothing I can explain to you that would be of any value. I kind of just described every recap I’ve ever done. Why did you read down this far? Why are we here? Why me?
After smashfest, Becca and Blake drink alcohol and talk. What a concept! Becca likes Blake. ABC plays soft ‘Becca likes Blake’ music. It’s clear why she likes him; he smashed stuff with a hammer. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, if you want a girl to like you, smash things with a hammer. She’ll be puddy in your hands.
Blake and Becca go to a different place to drink different alcohol. There’s a fireplace and Bachelorette interns have lit a bunch of candles. Becca and Blake talk about the date they just had. We listen to it, even though we know about the date because we just watched it. This is all superfluous.
Next, Blake tells Becca a story about a time he’d been dumped. Oh, good job, Blake. Becca loves dumped guys. It’s her Spanish Fly! The story takes forever. I can see why the girl dumped Blake. His stories are shit. Blake tells Becca that he learned from his experience, but that’s not true. If he learned, he’d be better at talking. He never shuts up. Shut up, Blake!
Becca likes Blake’s inability to shut up. They’re bonding. It’s bondy. Becca gives Blake a rose because he restored her faith in love. I’ve never restored someone’s faith in love before. It sounds exhausting. Blake and Becca make out, but it’s total PG. We don’t even get to see any tongue. If I were Chris Harrison, I’d march in there and press their heads together until they do it right.
Oh wait, Becca and Blake go outside and lean against the building they were in. They make out some more. There’s tongue. ABC plays soft ‘There’s Tongue’ piano music. I cry a little because it’s all so beautiful.
The next group date card arrives. Jason and Mike are the only guys to not get a date this week. Jason takes it hard. He says that “Time equals relationship building, equals time to get to know each other.” That was Newton’s fourth law.
The group date boyfriends get in a school bus. They meet Becca in a park or a field or something. I don’t know. Just picture a park. What am I, Nathaniel Hawthorne? Just watch the fucking show if you want to know what the place they are looked like. Fuck you guys, I hate you.
Becca leads them into a gym and a bunch of kids throw dodge balls at them. The kids tell the boyfriends that they’re gonna play dodge ball because “Becca dodged a bullet with that Arie loser.” They equate love to dodge ball. I’m really learning here.
The kids launch dodge balls at the guys out of a machine. They yell things. I really hate these kids. I can’t wait until these kids are in jail.
Next, there’s a dodge ball game. Sports quota filled. Dodge balls are thrown. People are hit with dodge balls. It’s riveting. I lose track of time and space. I’m floating over my physical body, transcended into a realm where only love matters.
Because that wasn’t enough fun, Becca brings the guys to a bigger gym with a live studio audience. There will be a bigger dodge ball game and Chris Harrison drags Fred Willard in to be his color commentator and it’s destroying my life. Why, Fred Willard? Whatever they paid you, I would have doubled it! Why, Fred Willard? Anywho, the dodge ball happens and we watch it. The green team beats the pink team. I refuse to say who was on what team. Google it.
The group date cocktail party is next. I’m so sick of this. The group sits around and drinks alcohol. Garret gets some alone time with Becca by the pool. They talk and there’s talking. Garret does not make out with Becca and that’s stupid. If you want to win Becca’s heart, you better jam your tongue into her lower intestine!
Some guy named Willis makes out with Becca. I’ve never heard him speak, but I think he might win it now. Willis seems super confident. Like, ‘eat at a restaurant alone and not look awkward’ confident. Becca likes Willis.
Colton is nervous because he has to tell Becca something awkward. Colton used to date one of Becca’s friends, so he knows that Becca will eventually find out about his past friend-datedness. Becca is completely blindsided. Guys, I wish you could’ve seen how blindsided she was. She was all, “Whoa! That approached me from the side from which I could not see!” Becca tells Colton that she needs some time to digest this news. She leaves. Guys, she was sooo blindsided. I can’t even stress it enough.
Becca pulls herself together and gives out the group date rose to Wills. Also, his name is Wills, not Willis. Becca is happy to give a rose to Wills, but she’s questioning everything about this process. It’s almost as if she’s having second thoughts about dating 28 men on TV and then marrying one of them. Weird.
When we get back from commercial, Becca is looking out a window and thinking. Keep up! She’s still so super blindsided. The whole dynamic of this happy game show has changed. This is serious. Boyfriends sometimes used to date your friends, Becca. Get over it!
The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party is next. Please keep in mind, Becca is still blindsided. Don’t expect a lot from her, you guys. Take it easy on Becca.
She explains to her boyfriends how seriously she’s taking this game show. The guys nod. There’s so much nodding. It’s clear they are also taking this seriously.
To start the very serious cocktail party, Clay takes Becca outside and shows her how to do an endzone dance. Then, they slurp faces. It’s just about the most awkward thing that’s ever happened. He gives her a football, she throws it to him. He spikes it. They do a little dance. Then, he grabs her face while talking and sucks her tonsils out. What world is this?
Connor wants to make up for his picture throwedness. He hands Becca a picture of himself. The picture represents his old self. It’s like a Mitch Hedberg joke, every picture of yourself is your old self! Connor has Becca throw his picture in the pool. They’re all even now.
Next, Jordan the male model takes off his clothes and walks through the cocktail party to impress Becca. I don’t think Jordan is here for the right reasons. He walks over and interrupts David’s time with Becca. It’s super rude. If I had a picture of male model Jordan, I’d throw it in a pool and then smash it with a hammer while Lil’ Jon played music. That’s what I would do. The good news is, no one read down this far. I’m talking to myself.
The other boyfriends confront Jordan. It’s confronty. David tells Jordan that he was disrespectful for walking around in underwear and interrupting his conversation with Becca. Jordan yells back at David. Then, get this, David yells back at Jordan. There’s a ton of yelling. This is going to totally blindside Becca. Hasn’t this woman already been blindsided enough? I’m worried about her.
Becca sits down with Colton again. He better not blindside her! Becca says that she’s still not sure if it’s okay that he dated her friend. This must be the first instance of a man dating a woman’s friend. I’ve never heard of such a thing. No wonder she was blindsided.
Colton explains his case again. He says that he’s here for Becca. I yell out, “Then why’d you date her friend!” and my wife and I high five. Colton doesn’t answer. Becca explains that her lack of clarity is too much. She doesn’t want to invest in a relationship with Colton because of the blindside thing that happened. Remember that? Becca says that she’s probably sending Colton home. We’ll see. Maybe. I don’t care.
The rose ceremony is next. Keep up! The big question is, will Becca dump Colton? We know she doesn’t dump Jason because he’s from Buffalo and he makes it into the top three, even though he hasn’t done a single thing in two weeks.
Becca dumps Rickey, Alex and someone else. Alex totally cries. The dude was on TV for four seconds and talked to Becca once. He cried. Nice legacy. Jordan gets a rose because he was planted by producers to be terrible and finger quote controversial. Colton got a rose, so maybe Becca wasn’t so blindsided. What a liar!
Next week, more stuff will happen. I’d tell you what happens, but I know you’d rather be blindsided.
