Pigeons and Lies in Venice

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8 contestants remain in our roulette wheel of love. Andi Dorfman is watching her silver ball bounce around while hoping for the best. So far, there’s been some drama, some death and a whole lotta smoochee-poo. This show is like a drive-in movie parking lot.

Andi has taken her boyfriends to Venice. Andi says that Venice is the perfect place to fall in love because that’s the only thing anyone ever says. The preview promises more drama. There’s just so much drama. The only thing worse than drama is Venetian drama.

There’s water everywhere in Venice. Someone needs to fix a sump pump. Venice looks like it would smell like rot. Andi sits in a gondola so cameras can capture her thinking about love. We see it. The guys ride in on a boat. One of them yells out Andi’s name. Chris the farmer is wearing pink shorts again. This guy likes his pink trousers.

Andi runs up to her boyfriends to announce that Nick V. gets the first one-on-one date. Cody is super bummed because he hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet. Andi’s other boyfriends feel bad for Cody because he hasn’t had a chance to take their girlfriend out alone. You know the old saying; Bros before District Attorneys.

For 20 minutes Andi tells the camera how she isn’t sure about Nick’s intentions. She’s concerned that he’s here for the wrong reasons. I’m concerned too, you guys. Andi and Nick V. hug on a bridge. Then, they look at buildings and buy pizza. Keep up!

THE PIGEON IS ON HIS HEAD!!!!!!

Just when you’re about to swallow your tongue from all of the excitement, they feed pigeons AND A PIGEON LANDS ON NICK V’S. HEAD! I need a prescription for Lipitor to watch this show.

I look away for a brief second and they’re in a gondola. The guys rowing the gondolas are wearing the same thing the mimes wore last week. Maybe, it’s a mime work release or intern program. The mimes must silently row boats to master the art of fake boat rowing.

Andi and Nick V. make out in their gondola. The gondola ride is ever lasting. If you are ever on death row and they give you a last request, you should ask to watch Andi and Nick V’s gondola ride. You’ll never die because it lasts forever.

Venice doesn’t allow ABC to put a camera guy in the gondola with the happy couple so we get various shots of their gondola ride from bridges, sidewalks and adjacent gondolas. I feel like ‘Adjacent Gondolas’ would be a great band name.

Just before the sun burns out, they get out of the gondola. Nick V. is wearing a tuxedo so they can eat on TV. Andi’s dress looks like it would be flame retardant. ABC gives them a private dinner in a Venetian masquerade hall. There are curtains on the window, not Venetian blinds. I question this show’s authenticity.

Andi and Nick V. talk about how he was a jerk last week. He was, you guys. Nick V. was a sour puss. You guys probably forgot all about it, but I didn’t. I set aside a little time each day to think about how Nick V. was Mr. Salty Pants. I barely ate.

Andi and Nick V. work through his psychopath issues. He explains that he’s just falling in love so the other guys think he’s a jerk. Andi cries. I don’t cry. I blink a bunch and no tears come out, so it doesn’t count. Andi really likes Nick V. They make out some more and he gets a date rose. Neither of the two bothers to eat their food. Between the candle burning and food wasting, this show will single-handedly destroy this earth’s resources.

Some dude outside plays an accordion for Andi and Nick V. They put on masquerade masks so they can dance. Nick V. comments that he might be putting a mask on, but he took off his metaphoric mask while they weren’t eating. Such word play. Andi says, “It’s very hard not to fall in love in Venice.” That’s why I never go to Venice with my dad.

After the mask/ pigeon date, Andi reads her third secret admirer note. It has not yet been revealed who the secret admirer yet. It’s a huge mystery. I’ve set aside some time each day to try and figure out who it could be. I’m stumped, you guys.

The group date is next. Andi takes 6 of her boyfriends to a castle so she can put them through a lie detector test. It’s super intense. There are two intimidating Italian guys who hook Andi’s boyfriends up to a machine so she can make sure they’re here for the right reasons.

To be a good sport, Andi takes the test first. They ask her if she likes Italy and if she likes her boyfriends. I was super nervous for her.

The guys are asked if they’re ready for marriage and whether or not they came on a televised game show for the wrong reason. Dylan admitted he has had sex with more than 20 women but doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom.

After being grilled by Italians, Dylan leaves the group date. He says his stomach hurts. It doesn’t look like his stomach hurts. It looks like he lied a lot and wants to leave. Andi doesn’t act like it’s weird at all that one of her boyfriends took a lie detector test and then ran away to a hotel. I haven’t been a part of the dating scene in a long time. I guess that’s normal behavior.

This is a farmer taking a lie detector test.

Chris the farmer admits that he’s the one writing the secret admirer letters. He’s bummed because it will be revealed in front of everyone that he wears bright pink shorts and writes secret admirer notes.

The results come in. Andi lied about loving Italy and thinking her game show boyfriends really want to marry her. Andi takes her envelope of guy results and rips them up. It is a sign that she trusts her boyfriends. She says, “I trust y’all.” Dylan ran away for the wrong reasons.

Back at the hotel, Cody and Nick V. sit in a sauna together. Cody talks about how he doesn’t like Nick V. Then, why did he get into a sauna with him? Was that contractual? Did ABC make them sauna together? Can you make ‘sauna’ a verb? I’d hate to be the camera guy who had to stand in the 96 degree sauna with a 100lb camera and film two shirtless guys staring at each other.

We’re back on the group date. Andi and Coach Brian give each other hand lie detector tests. Coach asks her if she wants to make out and she does so they do. They make out. With Coach’s teeth fresh on her taste buds, Andi makes out with Marcus. Lot’s of slurping there. They like each other, I think. I don’t know. Everyone lies on this show so it’s hard to tell.

Josh M. is super worked up over the lie detector test so Andi thinks that he’s up to something. I’m pretty sure that the professional baseball player with abs is up to something. Andi is questioning her feelings. I’m questioning her feelings too, you guys. Andi is upset and the music shows it. The music is all, “Andi is confused, y’all!” Andi cries to the camera because her televised dating show doesn’t seem sincere.

Chris the farmer pulls Andi aside to smooth everything over. He admits that he’s the secret admirer. Andi is all giggles over this revelation. She really digs the farmer! Get it? Digs? You guys are jerks. Andi and Chris the farmer make out. He feels relieved that he got that huge burden off of his farmer chest. Andi gives Chris the farmer the group date rose. If he was really a farmer, he’d plant the rose to grow a rose bush. Then, everyone would get a rose. It’s like the old saying, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for day, teach a man to fish and he’ll give you a group date rose.”

After Chris the farmer gets his group date rose, JJ talks about how he doesn’t want to congratulate other guys for getting further with his girlfriend. The boyfriends attack JJ for his honesty. I yell out, “Stop disliking your girlfriend’s other boyfriends!” Chris the farmer swears at JJ and points in his face to earn 10 points.

Cody loves Andi and Venice in that order.

Cody’s one-on-one date is next. They go to the birth place of Romeo and Juliet, which is amazing because Romeo and Juliet are fictional characters… unless they brought them to life somehow like Jurassic Park? Did that happen? Are Romeo and Juliet alive? Did Romeo and Juliet go on a rampage and kill Samuel Jackson and Newman? Answer me!

Cody and Andi walk into a building. It’s the place in Italy that collects letters to Juliet sent from around the world. People read and respond to the letters Juliet receives. I guess some people just write letters to Juliet, address them to Venice, stick a stamp on them and mail them. I’m sure these people will appreciate Cody the meat head reading their letters on TV and then writing them back.

Cody writes a really touching letter and makes Andi happy. Cody is happy too. He cries. I didn’t cry.

So this Italy building is full of people who read and respond to desperate letters from people who put their trust into a fictional character. How does this place stay in business? Is there money in responding to letters? How many jobs are created by this industry? Can I make money on the side writing back to all of the people in the world who have written letters to Santa or Ricky Henderson? (Sports quote filled)

After reading letters, Andi and Cody go to a big lawn to eat on TV. Cody is not afraid of wearing shirts that show off his chest. This guy owns zero ties. Andi wears pants that make it look like she’s not wearing pants. Cody reads Andi a private letter. It’s not too private because millions of people are watching it happen while choking back tears.

Cody says, “I want Andi to meet the real Cody.” I guess the real Cody refers to himself in the third person. He wants Andi to meet his family. I hope his entire family has huge shoulders and puffy blonde hair.

Cody is pouring his heart out to Andi. He’s going 60 miles per hour about his feelings for her. He’s super happy and glowing while Andi is Mrs. Salty Pants. She stops Cody mid-sentence and dumps him. Cody got caught in the friend zone. Hey, if you’re dating a girl who is dating a dozen guys, someone’s getting caught in the friend zone.

Cody takes the dumping well. He lets Andi off the hook and thanks her for dumping him on TV. Back at the hotel, the other guys see the Bachelor interns carry away Cody’s luggage and they’re all like, “Woah!” Josh M. is sitting on a hotel couch wearing a winter hat. It must be cold in their hotel room. Cody doesn’t cry in the limo.

The cocktail party is next. The guys sit around and drink wine in the oldest winery in Verona. Dylan pours himself a glass of wine and I notice that the label says 2008. If the winery is so old, couldn’t they do better than 2008? Andi calls the winery the epitome of romance. I can’t really argue. I feel bad for all of the jerks who bring girls to the second oldest winery in Verona. Losers. Way to fall short of the peak of romance.

Nick V. grabs Andi right away to make out in a room. The other boyfriends are mad at Nick V. for pulling their girlfriend into the other room to make out. Andi is totally into it. She says, “That’s a man.” Andi might be a tough as nails District Attorney but, when it comes to making out, you are free to approach the bench.

Dylan the liar is mad so he goes and grabs Andi from Nick V. The other guys cheer him on, immediately after chastising Nick V. for grabbing their girlfriend. This show is confusing.

Dylan makes out with her. Then, Marcus makes out with her. After that, JJ makes out with her. Coach Brian reads her a love letter. She is being full-on courted!

Chris Harrison comes out of moth balls to conduct a one-on-one interview with Andi. It took him 100 minutes to get involved. They sit in a room with a roaring fire and 3 million candles. I swear, it must be freezing in Venice with all of the winter hats and fire. Harrison starts out the interview with a pickle of a question.

“How nice is all of this?”

Andi responds by saying, “This is Italy.”

Keep up!

Harrison and Andi recap everything we’ve just watched. We watch them talking about the things we’ve just watched. Andi admits that her boyfriends might not all be on the same page as her. It’s about time she admitted that. She says that this is the hardest thing she’s ever done in her life. Law school must be easy.

After their gripping conversation, Andi looks at the pictures of her boyfriends to help her decide who to dump. It’s kind of like a fast food menu. They show you pictures of the food so you can be all, “Oh yeah! I want a double cheeseburger.”

The rose ceremony is next. Before dumping one of her boyfriends, Andi gives them a speech. She says, “This is about the future and this is what has to happen in order to realize that future.” It’s pretty deep, you guys.

Andi dumps JJ the pants guy approximately 17 minutes after making out with him like a puppy cleaning peanut butter from a spoon. JJ is super sad, despite his perfect pants. It’s emotional. You know you’ve made it far on this show when the Bachelorette takes you out to a bench to explain why she dumped you.

JJ takes it well. They hug. No points for hugs. JJ thanks Andi for everything and then gets into his confessional limo. JJ doesn’t cry. Andi is all broken up until 11 seconds later when she’s cheering with her boyfriends over their new destination. This party is heading to Brussels. Brussels is going to be off the hook. There will be so much drama next week. You guys have no idea.

Here are the updated standings for you fun Fantasy Leaguers!