Bleep just got so real!
Back to back episodes of the Bachelorette. I apologize in advance for your eyes. Andi Dorfman’s journey for love continues to spiral out of control while America helplessly watches with fingernails firmly entrenched between teeth.
13 guys remain in this love trek. Sources close to the Bachelorette have informed me that we get two episodes this week so they can make room for the NBA Finals next week. I think they should have showed the game and the Bachelorette at the same time in split screen. They could have called it the N-Bach-A Finals. Can you tell that, after years of recapping this show, I’m completely out of ideas?
Andi and her boyfriends are magically whisked away to beautiful and exotic Connecticut.
Connecticut? What, was there a convention or something in College Station, TX? Is the Bachelorette budget running thing? Can we expect one of the dates to include free lunches in Cazenovia Park and a trip to a Red Box?
Andi walks around in Connecticut wearing hooker boots. I heard Connecticut is the hooker boot capital of the world. Chris the farmer says that he’s always wanted to visit Connecticut. Dream big, kids. You never know what you’ll accomplish.
The guys pile into their hotel and cuddle with each other on the couch and in the tub. I’m not kidding about that. These guys are such good friends. It’s nice that they don’t let a little something like dating the same girl get in the way of their close kinship.
Dylan gets the first one-on-one date. The guys cheer and hi-five him. I’ll bet they all hope he gets some boobage. My computer doesn’t know what boobage is. How come my computer can ask my to update iTunes four times a day but it can’t learn proper Bachelor lingo?
Dylan and Andi get on a steam train. ABC forces them to operate the steam train to give them an opportunity to draw a parallel between love and steam trains. Andi seizes the opportunity by suggesting their relationship “might pick up a little steam.” I spend 30 minutes running around my living and punching things.
Andi and Dylan drink on their steam train. I wish that was my yearbook quote. Dylan is excited about his train ride but he’s equally eager to tell Andi about his deceased siblings. He was waiting for the perfect chance to tell his story. Everyone knows that the best chance to reveal your tragedies is on a steam train. The steam helps to cleanse the memories.
While relaying the story about his brother, Dylan shuts down and enters a dark place. That’s the way it seems anyway. Dylan refrains from telling his story.
When they’re done with their steam train ride, they walk over to a different train to eat dinner. Dylan is from Connecticut, so he is completely comfortable moving from steam train to steam train.
Andi can tell something is wrong and yells at Dylan for being weird. Dylan takes the hint and tells the story of his sister and brother dying of drug overdoses. It’s super sad. Dylan does break down and cries to earn 5 points. I really intended the ‘tear’ points to count for people who were kicked off the show, but tears are tears.
This is the third time we’ve heard Dylan’s story and it’s pretty devastating each time. I don’t think I’d be able to tell that with a camera trained on me without blowing up. Andi feels like a super big prick for coaxing him into telling it. I wasn’t going to say anything, but she brings it up. They don’t even eat their food, by the way.
After telling his sad and endearing tale, I’m pretty sure Dylan is going to be around for awhile. My wife almost ran into the other room to write him a letter. I’m not at all saying he didn’t go through hell, but he’s totally the man to beat at this moment. He’s like the California Chrome of the Bachelorette. Sports quota filled.
The group date is next. Andi and eleven of her boyfriends play basketball.
“I have never been on a date with 10 other guys before.” – Chris the farmer
ABC brings in some WNBA players to school these chumps. Many of them are ridiculously attractive. I need to watch more WNBA. The ladies beat the men 30-to-8. Then they decide to have mercy and split up the guys to play against each other. The winning team gets a date with Andi later that night. Losers go home. It’s a Bachelor/Bachelorette staple. There is so much sports going on. Its team Rosebuds Vs. team Five Little Hearts. They even drag a PA announcer and a ref from a local bar to call out the starting rosters and officiate the game.
I love six hundred dollars on Team Five Little Hearts
The basketball happens. It happens on your TV. ABC provides the same music that every low budget SciFi movie used in the 1980s to score chase scenes. Its tied 6-6 at halftime. I’ve seen elementary school games with more scoring. Brian is a basketball coach, so he coaches. He says, “You have to take every quarter a quarter at a time.” I hope Brian doesn’t coach kids.
Brian’s Rosebuds cruise in the second half and win their date with Andi. I should point out that this basketball game was technically a date. This was a date carried out by a woman looking to get to know 11 different men in an attempt to find her soul mate. Everyone knows the best way to get to know someone is to watch them play basketball with 10 of your other boyfriends.
We get 10 solid minutes of the losing team lamenting their loss while the winning team celebrates in the other locker room. It’s epic television.
The victory date occurs in some kind of cocktail room located upstairs from the basketball court. Andi is happy that she can be closer to her boyfriends because there are only 5 of them. Good thinking, Andi. Here’s an idea. Only date one person. You REALLY get to know them without other boyfriends around. Also, if you want to find a husband, try doing it without a producer prompting you to ski, operate steam trains and stand on piers to think. I’m not sure if it’s possible to find love without a camera on the handle bars of your bicycle, but it’s worth a try.
Eric the Explorer gets one-on-one time with Andi. They discuss how they’ve grown apart since two weeks ago. It totally shows, you guys. They both dislike this gap that has grown. Eric tries to break out of the slump by talking about his family. He tells Andi that he took time off to visit all of them before coming onto the show, which is super sad considering he dies in a couple of weeks. I can’t imagine being his family and watching this. That would be torture. I REALLY hope they don’t read my recaps.
Brian takes Andi back down to the basketball court to teach her how to shoot a half court shot. She keeps calling him ‘Coach’. I don’t know if I would ever want a girl calling me ‘Coach’. Andi dares Coach to make a half court shot and he does. She’s super turned on and wants Coach to kiss her. He doesn’t. Coach loses.
Three seconds later, Andi is making out with Nick V. One point. Nick V. is totally enjoying the residual steam created by Coach’s half court shot. Coach does get the group date rose, even though he blew his chance at district attorney tongue.
Marcus gets the next one-on-one card. The date card says “the sky is the limit”. Because this is the Bachelorette, we know that these two kids will be forced to climb up or down something really tall in order to properly fall in love. Apparently Andi and Marcus are both terrified of heights. I’d like to meet the person who loves heights and is completely comfortable climbing giant buildings.
Specially trained technicians strap Andi and Marcus into climbing gear to prepare for their building climb. It’s super windy. Andi is upset and second guessing the date she supposedly planned.
What follows is 10 minutes of Andi freaking out and Marcus trying to reassure her that she’s not going to die. They’re both so terrified that there is no way they’re not completely falling head-over-heels in love with each other. I feel so stupid for never having climbed down a building with my wife. I don’t even know her. She’s probably completely wrong for me. You guys, I think I hate my wife. I need to find a tall building and some rope.
Marcus gets 10 points for climbing down a building. Why didn’t you draft a Fantasy team? You better do it in the fall.
Our happy couple worked up an appetite climbing down their building. They go to an Inn to eat on TV. They talk and there’s talking. Andi gives Marcus a rose because he encouraged her to not fall down the building. It was very supportive. They make out. Marcus is seriously racking up points.
Andi tells Marcus that he surpassed every expectation she had. He climbed down a building. Did she expect him to just abandon her on the roof? What were her expectations? Did she expect Marcus to rob a liquor store or throw a rock at the White House? Answer me!
If you climb down a building, it’s so on!
Four seconds later, Marcus and Andi get a private concert from an ABC promoted country music band. Keep up. Marcus gets 10 more points! Marcus is like Wilt Chamberlain with fewer sexual partners. While they’re dancing to the country music, Marcus tells Andi that he’s falling in love with her. THAT’S SUPER EARLY! Woah! He skipped right past ‘connection’! He didn’t even pump the brakes while passing ‘connection’. ‘Connection’ wasn’t even on the road map. Marcus went straight to ‘love’. Those building climbs must really go straight to your heart. Bravo, ABC.
The next day, Andi gets a special note delivered to her hotel room. ABC even provides us with blurry, romantic footage of the secret admirer penning the letter while she reads it out loud. Andi is all, “Who could have sent me a secret admirer letter?” I’m guessing it’s one of her 13 boyfriends… or that angry dude who stalked out the Bachelor mansion in week one.
The cocktail party is next. We’ve had no drama in an episode where drama was promised. ABC promised drama. They made a dramise!!!! You guys!!! Dramise! I’m a genius. You guys have no idea. When my organs finally fail from the torture I put them through each week while watching this show, you’re gonna miss the special words I make up for you. You guys can have all of my stuff.
Tasos pulls Andi aside to get to know her better. They get to know each other. Coach pulls Andi aside to make out with her in an attempt to make up for not making out with her before. Please read that sentence again and again until it makes sense. One point for Coach for the make out session.
Marquel pulls Andi aside to talk. My wife says that Marquel is in the friend zone. My wife is usually smart about these things. I’ve been in the friend zone for 15 years. Marquel teaches Andi how to choke a man. I wish I was making that up.
Eric the Explorer interrupts to break up with Andi. He feels insecure that Andi doesn’t fall over backwards to please him when they’re alone together. Eric is kind of mad and feels like he Andi isn’t being real. He calls her a TV actress. Eric just became a lot less likeable in about four seconds.
Andi blows up and yells at Eric for calling her fake. Andi starts crying and threatens to kick him off of the show. He kind of agrees with the sentiment. This is kind of weird. For those who don’t know, it is common knowledge in the Bachelor community that Eric goes home tonight and soon dies in a paragliding accident. There will be a lot of talk about whether or not ABC should have even shown this scene. It doesn’t really put Eric in a good light. Eric the Explorer leaves. Weird.
Andi is all sorts of mad and goes into the other room to yell at her other boyfriends for something they didn’t do. This is why you never date a woman who is also dating 12 other guys. I’ll call it a Golden rule. Andi says “Y’all” about 19 times.
As Eric leaves, he walks without moving his arms. He might be a good explorer, but he’s terrible at walking. Work those arms. Build some momentum. Eric continues to bad mouth Andi as he leaves. ABC makes him take a cab home. You don’t get a limo if you don’t play nice.
The Rose Ceremony is supposed to be next, Y’all. It isn’t After the commercial Chris Harrison comes on to tell us that ABC didn’t feel right to show people getting roses with Eric dead. So, if you’re keeping score at home, it’s okay to show a guy act weird and upset the Bachelorette, but it’s not okay to show a rose ceremony. Way to stand your ground, ABC. You guys are moral compasses.
Chris Harrison and Andi talk about Eric the Explorer. They remember the 8 minutes of good times and regret the bad time. While Chris Harrison is asking Andi a question about Eric, he drops in some excellent product placement for the Mohegan Sun Resort in Connecticut. You can almost see the lawyer off-camera, pleading with him to mention the Mohegan Sun.
Exploring
Andi cries because Eric the Explorer won’t be at the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. One less man will tell all. If I was a gambling man, and I am, I’m betting there will be an empty chair with a rose on it. By the way, while reminding us that they didn’t feel right announcing who left the show in light of Eric the Explorer’s death, Chris Harrison tells us that Tasos was voted off. But don’t pay attention to that information because it’s not an appropriate time to learn it.
That’s it. Dramise delivered. I just added ‘dramise’ to my computer’s dictionary so there will no longer be a red squiggly line underneath it. My computer is learning. We get a week off from The Bachelorette for NBA Finals action. I’ve always thought the NBA was fantastic.
If you have a Bachelorette Fantasy team, you can find the updated scoring here. The scores from last night’s show will be added soon if they’re not there already. Keep up!
