“Women Tell All” As America Cheers

Lots of things are bad. Drugs are bad. Criminals are bad.

The Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ episode is bad in the way that hamburger is bad when you forget it’s in your cooler and leave that cooler in your garage through the month of August. It makes you throw up. I’m trying to draw a parallel here to how The Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ makes me feel like I’ve just put my face into a cooler containing rotten meat. I’ve completely run out of ways to describe how bad the Bachelor is and I’ve stooped to using meat. I’d be embarrassed but you’re the one reading the Bachelor recap.

I have no idea if Sean Lowe finds true love. We will all find out during the Bachelor finale but, we’re going to have to swing in the wind for now. ABC wants us to earn this privilege. First, the women must tell all. I can’t believe they’re going to tell ‘All’ in only two hours. I can’t wait until they get to the Magna Carta. I’ve always wondered about that story.

The ‘Women Tell All’ episode of the Bachelor is taped in front of a live studio audience, which means, it is taped. The studio audience consists of 249 single women and 1 guy. Chris Harrison kicks things off by asking the crowd 3 questions.

Chris Harrison asks “Has this been the best season ever?” and the crowd goes nuts with cheering. Chris Harrison asks “What do we think of Sean?” and the crowd cheers louder. Chris Harrison asks “What do we think of Sean with his shirt off?” and the crowd cheers so loud that a portion of Los Angeles breaks off into the ocean. America loves shirtless Sean.

When Chris Harrison references a shirtless Sean, they show a woman in the audience high-fiving her friend, and I vow to never high-five anyone again for the rest of my life. Two women in the audience of the Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ high-fiving is the opposite of cool. I display more cool when I dance at weddings. I dance like the armless/legless guy from Metallica’s ‘One’ video trying to Morse code to his nurse to kill him. I’ve been drinking.

Chris Harrison mentions Sean and the crowd cheers. He mentions Tierra, and they boo. The Bachelor has become a Tom Slick cartoon.

Before the Women Tell All, Chris Harrison and Sean Lowe roll out footage of their guerrilla assault on Americans watching the show from home. These two crazy kids visited viewing parties so women could scream.

They go to a sorority house and 48 College girls have Sean take his shirt off and I’m uncomfortable. It’s kind of jail-baity. The studio audience loves his college girl seduction because they cheer like they’re watching the World Cup. I think I’ve filled the sports quota but it’s hard to concentrate. There’s so much screaming.

That crap ends and we move on to women telling all. Chris Harrison introduces the season’s contestants to more cheering. This audience must do raging rivers of coke because they’re constantly prepped to jump through the starting gate with euphoric applause. They’re so excited. I was less excited to get a bike for Christmas than a live Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ studio audience is to hear the name of a woman sent home two weeks into the season. Soldiers returning from war are less excited to see their families. This audience has more energy than a pack of rabid Border Collies. They cheer anything Chris Harrison asks them to cheer. Chris Harrison could introduce a Mechanical Drawing teacher and this audience would explode like their high cchool boyfriend just threw the winning touchdown in the State Championship. They’ve all simultaneously won Powerball while witnessing the 1980 U.S. Hockey team beat Russia.

There’s a girl named Katie I’ve never seen before. There’s a girl named Robyn who never existed. I don’t know why they’ve brought these women back and why anyone would want them to tell all. Kacie B. is back and she’s not wearing eyeblack so, who cares?

Tonight’s show is basically all about Tierra. All of Sean’s girlfriends hate Tierra and get a chance to squawk about her. ABC doesn’t put Tierra on the show immediately. She’s brought on later so they can talk about her behind her back. It’s a good tactic. Jerry Springer uses this tactic.

They show footage of Tierra saying, “Enough is enough. Grow up before I beat the bleep out of these bleepitches.” The rest of the women make mean faces. It’s interesting how these women clap for each other and rally around their hatred for Tierra. They all dated the same guy at the same time, but have become close friends. I would rather chew a cinder block than have a 4-second conversation with one of my wife’s former boyfriends.

Chris Harrison teases the appearance of Tierra and they show Tierra backstage, spraying Axe all over herself. Since it’s a super-live studio show, ABC shows a stage hand giving Tierra instructions. It’s a behind-the-scenes look. You’re so fortunate, America. This kind of access is groundbreaking.

Tierra comes out and things get all quiet because everyone hates Tierra. She’s terrible. I feel bad for her. Chris Harrison pleads with the audience to give Tierra a chance to tell her side of the story and I yell out “Give her a chance!” Harrison says “Even we couldn’t anticipate how dramatic things would get.” — even though they scientifically studied how dramatic things would get through personality tests and focus groups.

Tierra defends herself, talking about how her light is on when she’s with people who make her comfortable. Please, don’t bother reading that last sentence back and trying to make sense of it. That’s what she says and that is what it means. Tierra explains that she acts awful because Sean gave her the first rose so the other girls hated her. No one in the audience nods approval because Tierra is bad and doesn’t deserve approval. It’s been minutes since someone cheered.

Chris Harrison beats Tierra down for not loving Sean’s other girlfriends and tells her that she’s naturally bad. He asks her why she wasn’t friendly with Sean’s other girlfriends. While Tierra talks, they show us the facial expressions of the other girls. There’s a lot of head shaking. Paramedics stand by, ready to rush in to treat any neck sprains.

Harrison asks Tierra if there’s anything she wants to apologize for and she says ‘No.’  The studio audience starts sharpening their pitchforks and lighting torches. Tierra might be murdered soon.

There’s a commercial break so everyone gets a chance to breathe. On the other side, Harrison opens up a forum for the girls to attack Tierra and they attack her. There’s attacking.

AshLee and Tierra talk about a fight they had in St. Croix. There is just so much talking. I don’t follow it. There is too much talking. I paid more attention to my first cell phone contract.

At the end, Tierra apologizes to all of the women for not trying to be friends. She says that everyone can better themselves and I realize that I can better myself, and I promise all of you that I’ll be better.

Chris Harrison brings up how Tierra said she can’t control her eyebrow. Tierra says, “Who cares about my eyebrow?” and Harrison says “America does!” Tierra’s sparkle comes up and Tierra explains how her sparkle is not for bad. It’s for good. I should just type this all in German.

Harrison points out that Tierra is wearing an engagement ring. She’s going to marry a guy who she dated before she went on the show. He asks when. She says“No comment” and Harrison says “Really” and she says, “I got engaged in January” which, to be fair, is a comment. The engagement might be a fake. I’ll investigate this accusation. Trust me, America. I won’t sleep until I know whether or not Tierra is really engaged. During the commercial break, I do a Google search “Is Tierra really engaged?” and the first results says ‘No’ so that’s settled.

We’re back and it’s time for Sarah to sit on the Hot Seat, but it’s not really the Hot Seat because Sarah only has one arm and America loves her. They show a fan in the audience mouths “She’s my favorite” and my wife and I high-five and I’ve already broken my ‘No High Five’ promise.

Chris Harrison plays the footage of Sarah with one arm getting dumped. America cries. My wife says “I don’t know why she says that she was born with one arm. She was born with one and three quarters of an arm.” So, my wife and I aren’t talking anymore.

We watch Sarah’s heartbreak all over again as Sarah watches her heartbreak all over again. She’s crying and Chris Harrison just looks at her. He doesn’t say a word. He just looks at her as if to say “Did that make you sad? You’re not crying a ton. We could really use some dramatic crying here. If you think it would help, we can play the footage of you getting dumped or falling during roller derby again.”

Sarah does cry more. She explains how guys only go so far with her in relationships and it’s because she has just one arm.  I disagree, but the show is taped so, my opinion doesn’t matter.

Desiree is next on the Hot Seat. The seat is not really hot because, America loves Desiree. The seat is probably warm because Sarah was just sitting on it.

They show Sean and Dez (she’s Dez now) yelling “Hello Canada” and I’m all “I remember when they yelled Hello to Canada”. We’re reminded of how Dez’ brother ruined her chances with Sean by calling out Sean for dating dozens of women at once. Dez gets to watch herself cry on TV and, once again, Chris Harrison asks her if she likes watching herself get dumped on National TV.

Chris asks what she’s learned from her Bachelor experience and, surprisingly, she doesn’t say that she’s learned to never again date a guy who is also dating 24 other women on television.

AshLee is next on the Hot Seat. Chris Harrison refuses to ask her why she misspells her name. We get to watch AshLee getting dumped because I have short-term amnesia and can’t remember things that happened 7 days ago…. Where was I? Um… What? Uh. I think…. I think I was recapping something. Oh! The Bachelor! AshLee can’t spell her name and she’s on the Hot Seat and she just got dumped again.

AshLee explains how she is a very reserved person who went on a National TV show, watched by millions of people, to find a husband. Harrison asked her why she stormed off the show without talking. She says that she didn’t talk because she was looking for answers. I’m confused. There’s a ton of talking and I think I’ve made it abundantly clear how much I hate when AshLee talks.

AshLee claims she’s not in love with Sean anymore. She attacks Sean’s character and the studio audience is not happy. You do not attack the character of a man willing to take his shirt off constantly.

Sean Lowe is next on the Hot Seat and the studio audience will tell you that it’s Hot because Sean is sitting on it and he’s hot. They’re yelling, and not because the studio is on fire. It’s because they’re all sexually attracted to Sean Lowe. I’d tell you what the studio audience wants to do to Sean Lowe but it’s none of your business.

Sean is confronted by AshLee. She wants to know why he dumped her, which is always a good question to ask the person who dumped you. Sean explains that he led AshLee on because he was in love with her. He says “Only on the Bachelor are you going to fall in love with 3 women at once.” I think I see the problem with The Bachelor.

ABC continues to post tweets from Bachelor fans around the world. I notice that Sean Lowe’s Twitter handle is SeanLowe09, and I can’t believe the Bachelor can’t get dibs on a non-numbered Twitter handle.

Things get uncomfortable… more so. AshLee confronts Sean on telling her that he didn’t have feelings for the other two girls. Sean says “I never said that” and AshLee says “Yes, you did.” Sean then says “I never said that” and AshLee says “Yes, you did.” This goes on. The audience is quiet because it appears as if our shirtless hero is not telling the truth. There’s nothing to cheer for. Panic sets in.

ABC keeps the cameras rolling during the commercial and bump back with footage of AshLee and Sean still arguing about whether or not Sean lied to her about having feelings for his other girlfriends. They agree to disagree. It’s stupid. Why can’t they just argue with Facebook posts like everyone else?

Chris Harrison changes the subject by bringing up how Dez (she’s Dez now) was dumped. Dez is all smiles talking with SeanLowe09 and how he dumped her. Dez and Sean are best friends. It makes sense because girls love the guy who dumped them on TV for one of the other girls they lived in a mansion with.

Chris Harrison sums up The Bachelor by bastardizing Steinbeck, “The best laid plans of Bachelor and Bachelorettes seemed to go off the rails at the wrong times.” Several people at home die of heart attacks.

Next comes bloopers and they’re super hilarious. Camera men fall over and a dog runs into a camera and there’s an attack duck and Sean takes his shirt off and I laugh so hard, I bruise my lower intestine.

We close out the show with preview footage of the final week and ABC pretends like Catherine has a shot in hell of winning. Catherine doesn’t win. Sean says, about Catherine, “She brings out the silly in me” and guys don’t say things like that when talking about the women with whom they want to have a 6-month relationship. There was not one single mention of the Magna Carta.

Lindsay wins the Bachelor Game Show next week. ABC decides that Greg Bauch shouldn’t die quickly, so they close out the most dramatic season in Bachelor history with a 3-hour show. Chris Harrison promises that Sean’s journey to find love comes to a dramatic conclusion. There’s a ton of crying… and kissing. I’m going to try to kiss the front of a moving bus.

As the credits roll, ABC gives us 400 pictures of a dog that died, who we were apparently supposed to have loved dearly. I loved you, mystery dog. I can’t believe you’re gone.

Greg Bauch gave Tierra a chance to tell her side of the story.