Yesterday, Artvoice unveiled the nominees for its annual Best of Buffalo Awards.
Before a horrible injustice is committed when the winners are announced on May 13th, we’re taking it upon ourselves to disqualify some of the candidates appearing on the list.
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CATEGORY: Buffalo’s Next Mayor
DISQUALIFIED: Byron Brown
REASON: By definition, the next mayor is the mayor that replaces the current mayor. The only person in the entire world who can’t possibly replace Byron Brown is Byron Brown.
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CATEGORY: Best Radio Personality
DISQUALIFIED: Shredd & Ragan
REASON: That’s two people.
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CATEGORY: Best Place to Watch a Sunset
DISQUALIFIED: Sunset Bay
REASON: A) Too far B) Cheating by having Sunset in its name
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CATEGORY: Best Picnic Spot
DISQUALIFIED: Bidwell Parkway
REASON: Of all the places that you could have a picnic, there’s no way that the best one is a street.
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CATEGORY: Your Secret Buffalo Crush
DISQUALIFIED: Lydia Dominick
REASON: Lydia Dominick was genetically engineered to attract you. You are attracted to her. This is not a secret.
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CATEGORY: Best Standup Comic
DISQUALIFIED: Rob Lederman
REASON: Watch “In The Buff with Rob Lederman” on Channel 2 on Sunday night. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll catch his blatant Carnac the Magnificent ripoff.
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CATEGORY: Best Activist Group
DISQUALIFIED: Terror Technologies
REASON: Sounds scary.
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CATEGORY: One Thing You Hope Will Happen This Year
DISQUALIFIED: The Skyway is torn down
REASON: The only way that thing comes down this year is by mistake, which would really put a damper on the ongoing construction projects and the 700+ events scheduled at Canalside. Big picture? Yes. This year? No.
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CATEGORY: Best Blog
DISQUALIFIED: Trending Buffalo
REASON: Nobody reads this crap.
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I JUST READ IT YOU BASTARDS.
One addition: Best annual fundraiser — Buffalo Zoo Wines in the Wild / Polar Bites. Last I checked, that’s two fundraisers. More cheating. I blame that little polar bear cub.
I wonder if the write-in campaign for Lederman to be on AV’s list is part of his contract with WGRZ. I picture an awkward conversation between an ad exec at WGRZ and an annoyed intern. Nothing like paying your way back into WNY’s comedy zeitgeist.
Also, come on. The Cheesy Chick has not been in business since Feb. 25 and has since sold to another owner, who has yet to re-brand the truck and open for business. It’s still a nominee for best food truck? What’s wrong with you, Buffalo?