Thought the lockout was ending? We’re just getting started.
The consensus seems to be that the NHL lockout is a bad thing but here at Trending Buffalo, we’re kind of growing attached to it. In fact, we’re enjoying it so much that we’ve decided to expand it.
So many locks, so little time.
LOCK IT OUT!
1 – TACO BELL IN BUFFALO
Why would anyone ever get fake Mexican food from a place that also sells deep fried chicken balls and mashed potatoes? We have authentic fake Mexican food in Buffalo and it’s called Mighty Taco. Lock it out.
2 – HEALTHY CHANGES EVERYTHING ADS
Let’s just forget about the fat ladies dancing on commercials during Sabres games for a minute. Who are health insurers advertising to anyway? You have a job, your employer picks the plan. That’s it. Are these companies spending eleventy billion dollars advertising to the 26 people in Western New York who are actually choosing which plan their company goes with? Lock it out. (And speaking of health insurance…)
3 – HEALTH INSURANCE INVOICE LETTERS
Yes, I know that I went to the doctor. No, I do not owe another $87.16. That balance is all you. But you’ll figure that out eventually, won’t you Mr. Big Fancy Health Care Provider Accounting team. Lock it out.
4 – RELIGION
Come on people. Aren’t we beyond this religion nonsense yet? At last count more than a billion people have been killed in the name of a god. No one is sure that religion can make a bad person good. But I am certain that religion can make a good person do bad things. Lock it out.
5 – BIG OIL TAX BREAKS
I am not an economist and have no idea what would happen to our economy if we dicked around with oil company finance structures. Maybe gasoline would skyrocket to $10 a gallon… Who knows? I do know that burning oil spews crap into the air and that crap is screwing with the climate and then we’re getting Frankenstorms every other week. Lock it out.
6 – I THOUGHT OF THAT FIRST!
So did everybody who’s ever lived since ever. Here’s an original idea – why don’t you do something with your thoughts, instead of wearing out the “cease&desist” keys on your pad every time someone drives past your window in a new car. Lock it out.
7 – BANK BUILDINGS
From our estimation banks occupy about 30% of all commercial space. Why do we need marble columns, glass, brass, and plinths when 99% of all bank transactions involve me, a plastic card, and the everywhere-machine that gives me cash and keeps $3? Lock it out.
8 – PRESERVATIONISTS
Someone with some knowledge of this absurdity just told me that preservationists would more than likely fight against demolishing the HSBC tower if it was proposed. Yes, that giant concrete box in the middle of the city. Get a life. Lock it out.
9 – DOWNTOWN BUFFALO CASINO
I like to gamble and from time to time I think to myself “self, I have an extra couple hundred bucks, let’s take self to the casino and play some blackjack” and then I usually say “nevermind, I don’t feel like driving 30 minutes there and I especially don’t feel like driving 30 minutes back after I lost $400 again after splitting eights four times in one hand.” The Niagara Falls casino is just far enough away to be a deterrent. Lock it out.
10 – TIM HORTONS FOOD
For as good as Timmy Ho’s coffee is, you have to admit that their food is just that bad. No one should ever eat a donut, but if you do, why would you ever waste that nutritional sin on a fresh-from-the-freezer Tim Hortons hockey puck? Go to Paula’s Donuts and eat yourself a real coronary. Lock it out.
11 – PEDESTRIANS AT THE CHURCH STREET ON-RAMP
Really? 200 drivers a minute, all desperate to find the fastest way back to Hamburg amongst a devil’s casserole of shifting lanes, medians, multi-lane entrances and distant flashing lights, and you decide to take a stroll across 3 lanes so you can stride manfully to the waterfront “as the crow flies.” Lock it out.
12 – ITUNES
I’m an Apple whore. iPad, iPhone, Macbook. I absolutely LOATHE iTunes. The fact that the company renowned for creating the ultimate user experience birthed music software capable of deleting all of the contacts in both my phone and computer is positively perplexing. Lock it out.
13 – “FOR LEASE!” SIGNS DOWNTOWN
Advertising the fact that your brick shell is empty inside is about as informative as painting “Building!” on your building. Yes, we know you’d like us to pay you $30/square foot for the privilege of parking somewhere nearby 5 days a week. Get in line. Lock it out.
14 – SINGING CONTEST TV SHOWS
American Idol was a novel concept for a few years. Come the F on with X Factor, The Voice and America’s Got Talent already (to say nothing of their horrendous “dance show” brethren.) Anyone out there in TV land have a new idea please? Lock it out.
15 – CRAFT BEER
No matter how expensive the bottle and how beautiful the label they still make it in a tub the size of a space shuttle lift engine, all supposedly “crafted” by a guy with a beard who’s biggest lifetime accomplishments so far have been “waking up” and “wearing pants.” Lock it out.
16- WIZARDS AND GOBLINS
OK, fine. You’ve got me. I played D&D as a kid. I also went to church and thought George Michael got all the chicks. Now that we’re adults, kindly get your f’ing hobbits out of my face. Lock it out. I’m told Game of Thrones contains no magic. I call BS. Lock that out, too.
17 – COMIC BOOK AND SUPERHERO MOVIES
Remember when people packed theaters to see movies starring PEOPLE? It seems we’re doing better lately but the trend must end. Abraham Lincoln? Real person. Alfred Hitchcock? Real person. The Avengers? Piss off. Lock it out.
NEXT?
If only we could lock out douche bloggers.
Yes, yes, yes… A million percent yes. Totally missed that one.
1.) Lock out Taco Bell? I don’t go there either but it’s better than the dogfood Mighty slops out. Go to Moe’s if you want a chain or hit up one of the local places like Coyote Cafe. Why is it that this city overrates Mighty Taco so much? Now Ted’s lives up to the fanfare locals give it, but Mighty is nothing special.
Anybody know of a good app to block someone from the entire internet? Blasphemy.
There is a reason mighty taco is not a national chain. Because it is utterly disgusting. I have no idea why it took so long for us to get a chipotle here but now that it is everywhere Im happy. I look forward to traveling for work so I can try the local spots. I am embarrassed however when someone locally tells a visitor to eat at mighty taco..
Religion? Really, you self-important jerk? Yes, people have died for religion (an excuse people who were going to kill anyway used to sound more righteous), but since you’re sooooo much smarter than the rest of us, you probably already know that no one HELPS more poor people than, you guessed it, Christian charities.
Why are you so mean?
Pretty funny stuff and you had me until 16 & 17… And no, I’m not some fanboy or nerd who lives in his parents’ basement. No one is forcing you to go see these movies.
I hate the Twilight EVERYTHING, but no one is making me go see that crap or read that trash. Have you read the books that Game of Thrones is based on? Doesn’t seem like it… It’s pretty lame to bag on something you’ve never read. I have seen the first Twilight movie and read the first book so I can speak from experience that it’s garbage.
You’re not going to stop Hollywood from making movies that appeal to people. There’s some terrible source material out there that gets made into a movie and the only way to stop it is to boycott it.
I happen to like LOTR and I’m looking forward to the Hobbit. I also enjoyed Avengers and all the other superhero movies. That’s far more entertaining to me than Hitchcock any day.
If I’m going to spend the $$ to go to the theater I want to be entertained. I’ll leave the educational or informative entertainment for the small screen when I watch great programs like NOVA, The Universe or How it’s Made.
Worst list I’ve ever seen. I agree with Taco Bell. Way to condemn people with taste in good beer, people with religion (which makes up far more of the population than people without it), and nerds who love a good game.
Your an idiot. Thank GOD you don’t have any pull in this city.
Yes!!! No problem.
YOU’RE an idiot.
🙂
grammared!
I thought this would be worth a few good laughs..but the minute you said to lock out religion, you lost me. I pray for your sould the day you die, cause if you don’t wake up…I hate to say this…but that picture of itunes taking someone from behind will change to you getting it from behind by someone else who disregarded God, and was the first one in the domain of Hell. You need prayers…..anyway…I want Hockey Back!!
This comment is wonderful.
To be clear, are you saying that if you get to hell early enough, you get to be a top?
ahhh, whatever. We’re all entitled to our 17 opinions. No sense getting too worked up over conjecture. Gave me a few laughs, so a worthy read.
Unfortunately, now I have the image of Satan stuck in my head, so thank you, Colin.
This is why fake buffalo media will never be anything. You don’t write an article calling out religion you idiot. Some people actually have morals and values. So yea, continue to blog in a failing city. And when USA today calls, make sure you tell them about how you love to alienate audiences by saying religions should be “locked out.” Get a real job
Why would you ever assume it requires religion to have “morals and values?”
Craft Beer? Really? “Hey there’s this growing industry that does well in Buffalo. Let’s get rid of it because i don’t like beer” Not everyone likes Coors light. Most beer is shitty, sorry these highly skilled craftsmen are ruining your life. And yes they are highyly skilled, even if you’re to foolish to tell.
terrible list, excellent job.