Please Don’t Ask About Aaron Rodgers

The most important step in any relationship is visiting the hometowns of your four boyfriends. Each plane ride to the four different cities is a rite of passage for a young woman looking for that once-in-a-lifetime 3-month relationship. It’s that magical moment where you break bread with new friends while camera operators, boom mic operators and producers stand three feet away. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.

Tonight, JoJo will be visiting the hometowns of Robby, Chase, Luke and Aaron Rodger’s little brother. I’m so nervous for JoJo that I had to lock myself in a room with the windows closed because my screams were bothering the neighbors.

Voltron was connected to four guys, like JoJo.

Before we get to the hometown dates, (and I know you’re all sitting in your chairs right now yelling, “Greg! What happened on the hometown dates?”) ABC previews the episode. It’s like your last chance to decide whether or not to watch the episode. During the montage, JoJo says, “I’m so connected to these four guys.” She’s like a Voltron lion.

Chase gets the first hometown date. JoJo arrives in Highlands Ranch, Colorado. She sits in an SUV and thinks about Chase. It’s always a good idea to sit and think about someone before you see them. I try to think about everyone I might see in a particular day to prepare myself.

There’s tons of snow on the ground because Colorado is super cold. JoJo and Chase lay down a blanket to sit outside and talk. So far, we’re moving way too fast. I have to be honest, if this pace keeps up for the entire two hours, I’m not going to be able to accurately recap this.

Chase tells JoJo that his parents were divorced and that makes it hard to have serious relationships. Then, they make out. How would divorced parents prevent you from having a relationship? My parents never rollerbladed and I never had trouble rollerblading.

They walk in Chase’s house and it’s super expensive and nice looking because ABC doesn’t believe that poor people deserve a chance at love.

They talk with Chase’s dad, even though he’s divorced and has nothing to offer. Chase’s dad says that his son is a good guy. Chase then asks his dad why things never worked out with his mom? This is a good opportunity to ask your dad important questions like this. I guess there wasn’t a chance to get into it during the first 25 years of his life. Chase’s dad says that he worked too hard and didn’t spend enough time on his marriage. Then, Chase’s dad warns Chase that it could be difficult to date a woman who is dating three other guys. This guy is like a regular Dr. Phil. Chase and his dad grow close together on television. It happens. We watch it. You guys grew close to Chase’s dad too, admit it.

Next, JoJo meets Chase’s mom and some other people. The family acts surprised to see the couple walk through the door, even though ABC cameras are already camped out in the living room, filming. It’s so spontaneous!

The family drinks and welcomes JoJo. Chase’s mom takes JoJo into the other room to talk to her. Judging by JoJo’s history, they’ll probably make out. JoJo says that she appreciates Chase’s loving nature and sensitivity. Chase’s mom blames their divorce on the walls Chase has built around himself. Chase has built walls. I can see them.

Chase tells his sister that he doesn’t want to be a divorced loser like his father. He admits that he has never said the word “love” to someone. That’s incredible. I’ve told 8 different people today that I loved them.

Chase talks to his mom about JoJo. He’s already crying before they start talking. His walls are coming down, you guys! Chase’s mom asks Chase if he’s ready to love JoJo. He says he’s ready. It’s like 1989 Berlin all over again, except this means nothing!

The evening draws to a close. The entire dinner date, JoJo never took off the sleeping bag sweater she was wearing and I can’t believe she didn’t burst into flames. After the dinner, JoJo and Chase make out in the driveway. They do that annoying slurp/whisper conversation thing, so I can’t understand anything that’s said. Chase may have told JoJo that he loved her. He may have also said something about elephant shoes. We’ll never know, nor will we ever care.

Next, we go to Chico, California, the hometown of Aaron Rodger’s little brother. If we go by the preview, this date will be all about Aaron Rodgers. I can’t wait to hate every moment!

JoJo hangs out in the park and talks to the camera. Deer run by and JoJo freaks out because deer are super rare. Aaron Rodger’s little brother takes JoJo to his old school. They meet his former football coach and some other teachers. This is good. I’d never marry a guy unless I met his math teacher first.

JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother sneak into the library and make out with cameramen close by. It’s not the least bit creepy or awkward. I’m glad that kids use this space to learn. While they look at pictures around the school, JoJo points out a picture of Aaron Rodgers. ABC doesn’t show us the picture. I’m pretty sure now that Aaron Rodgers lawyered up and wouldn’t allow his image on this dumpster fire of a show. Now, ABC is angry and they’re going to get even by trashing him for an hour.

After refusing to talk about his brother, Aaron Rodger’s little brother makes out with JoJo on a bench. It’s been 11 seconds since JoJo made out with someone, so this session may have saved her life.

Aaron Rodger’s little brother takes JoJo to his home. He kind of walks like a girl. The home is ridiculously nice because poor people do not deserve to be on television. The Rodgers family drinks and welcomes JoJo. There’s a bunch of talking. I hate every moment.

JoJo pulls aside Aaron Rodger’s little brother’s older brother. They talk about Aaron not being there. Aaron Rodger’s little brother’s older brother says that they don’t like to talk about it. He does think that JoJo will be good for his brother (the other one).

They look like big strong hands, don’t they?

Aaron Rodger’s dad sits down with JoJo. He kind of looks like the rock eating creature from ‘The Never Ending Story’.

JoJo tells Aaron Rodger’s dad that his son is a good man (the other one). JoJo feels like she knows Aaron Rodger’s little brother. She seems way more into him than the other contestants. You guys, I think that JoJo wants to be the future Mrs. Aaron Rodger’s little brother!

After the dinner party, JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother sit outside in the dark. JoJo asks Aaron Rodger’s little brother if he’s going to dump her. You can tell a woman is into a man when she’s certain he’ll dump her. Aaron Rodger’s little brother tells her, “Don’t ever doubt this.” That was my yearbook quote. They make out.

So, we’re two dates in and nothing has happened. It’s par for the course. Robby gets the next hometown date. I’m pretty sure that he has changed the spelling of his name from “Robbie” to “Robby”, but I don’t really pay close attention. JoJo meets Robby in St. Augustine, Florida. They hug and make out right away so she can power up.

JoJo tells the camera how much fun Robby is. I mean, I’ve been laughing my butt off all season long, so I already know how fun Robby is. I yell out, “You’re preaching to the choir, honey!” but the show is taped so JoJo can’t hear me.

ABC hires a horse-drawn carriage to transport the happy couple through St. Augustine. Robby acts like it was his idea. JoJo and Robby make out in the carriage. The smell of horse must be an aphrodisiac. You guys won’t care, but I spelled aphrodisiac correctly on my first try without looking. I typed it all quick too, like a rock star. Sorry ladies, I’m married, but don’t act like you didn’t just lick your computer screen.

JoJo and Robby talk about their relationship. It happens. We listen. JoJo is still concerned about Robby’s past relationship. Robby assures her that it’s over. JoJo is assured. It’s assurey. You guys were assured too, admit it. Then, they make out.

Robby takes JoJo to his really nice house. No poor people here, folks! The family screams when Robby walks in. I’m sorry, no one has ever been this excited to see anyone. Franklin Roosevelt could walk into my living room and the biggest reaction I’d be able to muster would be a muffled swear word or two.

Robby’s brothers pull Robby into the other room to make sure they get on TV. The brothers approve of JoJo. As soon as they saw her, they knew it was real. Robby admits that he’s nervous because his relationship with JoJo could end at any time. That’s how I feel with the McRib.

Robby’s mom talks to JoJo. JoJo asks Robby’s mom if her son will abandon her. Robby’s mom says that she doesn’t think that her son will abandon JoJo, but there’s always a chance. JoJo admits that she’s falling in love with Robby. That’s nice. It should be super comfortable, if she ends up with Robby, for them to watch the footage of her with Aaron Rodger’s little brother together. Let this be a lesson for you kids at home; if you’re going to date a bunch of guys, try not to make it obvious how into the other boyfriends you are.

Robby’s mom pulls Robby aside to address a serious issue. Robby’s ex-girlfriend is trying to tell people that he only broke up with her to be on the show. Now, Robby is freaking out because this is the exact thing JoJo is nervous about! You guys, the timing on this issue couldn’t be worse! It’s almost like it was orchestrated by a billion-dollar television network to make their piece-of-crap show more interesting! But, that’s not possible because Chris Harrison and the ABC executives all want JoJo to find love.

Robby pulls JoJo aside to nip this ex-girlfriend issue in the bud. He tells the camera that he wants to “nip it in the butt”, which is hilarious and predictable. Robby says that there’s scuttlebutt brewing that he’s not here for the right reasons. JoJo is super concerned about this revelation. The music is super concerny.

JoJo asks, straight out, if Robby did dump his ex to go on the show. I must stress, she asks it straight out. There was no beating around the bush. JoJo was super straightoutty! There’s 45 minutes left in the show and I’m already exhausted. There’s no way I’ll be able to finish this recap without a protein shake or line of cocaine.

Robby assures JoJo that he’s here for the right reasons. It’s even more assurey than the last time he assured her. This show is 49% making out and 51% assuring. These people just make out and assure each other. It’s one continuous loop of tongues and assurances. I can’t take it anymore.

Robby says that his ex-girlfriend slapped him and they never spoke again. JoJo wants to know what happens if they end up together and the ex-girlfriend comes back and causes trouble. Sounds like she’s really into Robby and would stand up and fight for him. What a lazy piece of shit. She’s like, “I like you, but if there’s a single problem, I’m going to pick one of my other three boyfriends with less baggage.” After their talk, they make out. I feel assured. You guys didn’t even read this far down, so I’m done talking to you.

This is the bench in Burnet.

Our final date of the evening occurs in Burnet, Texas, the hometown of Luke the designer cowboy. His shirt is perfectly ironed, so you know he’s a real cowboy. JoJo and Luke make out on a bench in downtown Burnet. The bench is the most thrilling part of downtown Burnet.

Luke drives JoJo to his family’s ranch or farm or whatever it is. Who cares. Why do you read these? Go to bed.

JoJo is instantly nervous because there are 400 people at the house. It’s basically the entire town of Burnet. Luke gives a speech about how important family is to him. I fall asleep halfway through. When I wake up, everyone is still talking. Unfortunately, Luke doesn’t have any issues, so this date is boring. I’m bored. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, if you don’t want to be a boring mess, have a bunch of issues like divorce and estranged family members. Otherwise, you won’t be interesting on your reality TV dating game show.

Luke talks to his dad, who is wearing a cowboy hat. Those things are great for keeping the sun off of your neck and shoulders. Luke and his dad talk a bunch. There is just so much talking. I think it’s about love, but I’m not sure because my ears are caked shut with blood from all of the talking.

As they sit at a table, JoJo tells Luke’s parents how good the food has been, even though her plate is full. All of their plates are full. No one ever eats their food on this show! Maybe ABC could send this food to the poor people they won’t allow to be on their show. It’s the least ABC could do. Actually, the least ABC could do would be to continue to air this program that requires no thought or effort.

Luke and JoJo ride horses to a field where Bachelorette interns have laid blankets on hay bales. Luke and JoJo make out. It takes forever. Luke walks JoJo over to another romantic rose pedal and candle set-up so he can tell her that he loves her. Those Bachelorette interns are working overtime tonight with their romantic displays. They could create a romantic atmosphere anywhere. I wish one of the contestants was in waste disposal so the Bachelorette interns had to convert a pile of rotting garbage into a temporary romantic bungalow. They’d be up for the challenge.

JoJo is falling for Luke. She’s also falling for Chase, Aaron Rodger’s little brother and Robby. It must be a ton of fun to fall in love with four guys at once. ABC plays special music from an ABC approved recording artist during Luke’s makeout session, so he probably wins the game show.

We’re back in Los Angeles for the rose ceremony. Keep up! A plane lands and Chris Harrison greets the boyfriends, one-by-one, in an airplane hangar. Things are really getting serious if they’re in an airplane hangar. It’s like ABC wants to keep their complete lack of momentum going, so they didn’t want to waste time going back to the Bachelorette mansion.

JoJo talks with Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony. He says, “What are you going to do today, do you even know?” Then he says, “Good luck.” He doesn’t make the big bucks for nothing!

JoJo knows what she wants to do but she’s upset that she has to dump one of her boyfriends. I keep saying, that’s the problem with having four boyfriends. She says that she’s saying goodbye to Luke. So, I guess he doesn’t win. She really made out with him a lot for being on the verge of dumping him.

The music gets dramatic but, before JoJo hands out a rose, Luke pulls her aside to talk. Maybe he knows that he is about to be dumped. He tells JoJo that he wants to be sure that she knows that he is in love with her. He straight up says, “I’m in love with you.” See, before he just said that his heart belonged to her. That’s a completely different thing. Again, someone is re-assuring someone about something. I’m re-assured that I hate this show.

JoJo says that she wanted to hear that Luke loved her. They make out a little bit. She was just about to dump Luke, now she’s thanking him. JoJo doesn’t know what to do. She tells the camera that she’s scared and that she doesn’t know what to do. Because she’s crying, a bunch of snot comes out of her nose and we can’t understand what she’s saying.

ABC ends the episode without telling us what JoJo is going to do, so we won’t get to find out what she’s going to do until next week. This is all Luke’s fault. If I ever see Luke in person, I’m going to mess up his hair. This show has no rules. It also has no point.