I’m already mad about how boring tonight’s episode is going to be. JoJo has eight boyfriends and they’re all about as interesting as earthworms. Each of the remaining boyfriends is here for the right reasons. They all have built connections with JoJo. None of the remaining boyfriends spends his time punching doors or eating raw sweet potatoes. Nothing good will come of this. It’s pointless. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
“Yay! We’re ruining lives!”
ABC has brought the grope crew to Buenos Aires, Argentina, following the natural progression of love. One of the boyfriends says that Buenos Aires is the perfect place to fall in love, because someone always has to say that about every place they’re in. If the group was in a dumpster behind Arby’s, they’d say that an Arby’s dumpster is the perfect place to fall in love. And I’m not saying you can’t fall in love in an Arby’s dumpster. If I ever found a girl in a dumpster behind Arby’s, I might find it hard NOT to fall in love with her.
To start the show, JoJo walks around the streets of Buenos Aires and thinks about love. She pets a stray dog. This woman loves petting stray dogs. It’s her best quality. When Chris Harrison walks up to meet JoJo, he says, “Hola”. I’m not sure what that means. Chris Harrison is so worldly, he sometimes speaks in strange tongues.
JoJo and Chris Harrison talks about how quickly the journey is passing them by. It’s funny because I was just thinking about how much of a slow, painful death march this has been. JoJo thinks that she might be falling in love with some of her boyfriends. You guys, it’s working! Maybe dating enough men to form a baseball team IS the answer!
Next, Chris Harrison tells the guys that there is going to be another 2-on-1 date this week. There’s never been more than one 2-on-1 date in a season. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES. Now the guys are super nervous, ‘cause woah! You guys were nervous too, admit it!
The date card arrives to tell Wells that he has the 1-on-1 date. Wells hasn’t been on camera at all this season because he doesn’t punch doors. Wells is excited and announces to the other boyfriends that he’s the only boyfriend who hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. The rest of the boyfriends act super surprised. Alex asks, “What if you kiss her and there’s no chemistry?” It must be fun to sit around with the boys and discuss what it’d be like if they made out with your girlfriend.
When JoJo arrives, Luke the Designer Cowboy asks her if she’s going to kiss Wells. I always smile and ask my girlfriend if she’s going to make out with guys. It’s super hilarious. The other boyfriends laugh. We’re all having such a good time because Wells hasn’t made out with JoJo yet.
JoJo and Wells walk around the street and look to shop. They still haven’t made out. It’s awkward because everyone knows that they haven’t kissed yet and you’re supposed to constantly kiss the person you’re dating. Otherwise, what’s the point?
JoJo takes Wells to a play or something. It ends up being a bunch of people swimming in a pool on the ceiling of a creepy looking building. Then, they watch people act like they’ve been shot. Then, they pretend like they’ve been shot while walking on a treadmill. I’d love to describe it better but I don’t care if you know what it is. Go to bed.
When they’re done doing the stupid thing, Wells leans in to kiss JoJo. It’s super awkward. He acts like he’s a contestant on Family Feud who doesn’t want to say a naughty answer to Steve Harvey. Wells ends up kissing JoJo on the cheek. They still haven’t made out!
JoJo and Wells ride in a splash pool thing and then they make out. After they make out, JoJo yells, “That was the moment, Wells! That was the moment!” For you kids reading at home, if you make out with a girl and she immediately yells out, “That was the moment!”, that wasn’t the moment. There will never be a moment. JoJo and Wells’ first kiss wasn’t the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen because I once watched a man get down on his knee to tie a female coworker’s shoe without her permission.
Wells and JoJo sit down in a room to not eat food. JoJo asks Wells to talk about his ex-girlfriend. Wells’ past relationship lasted four years, but they stopped being interested in each other. They broke up because they were just friends, not ab-groping sex maniacs. JoJo hears the story and thinks about how she would rather be friends with Wells than to rub her abs on his abs.
JoJo talks about what true love is. I listen closely because I’m super curious. I wasn’t prepared to learn what true love is tonight. I’m finally going to know! JoJo grabs the date rose and tells Wells that he isn’t going to get the rose. She tells Wells that she’s dumping him because they had their first kiss and it didn’t make her loins feel all jittery. Apparently, the Wells has gone dry! Get it? You guys totally get it. High five.
Wells thanks JoJo for dumping him. They hug. JoJo walks Wells to his dump-SUV and sends him away from Buenos Aries. She’s a psychopath. You can’t just make out with a guy in Buenos Aires and then dump him. There are different rules in Buenos Aires. It’s super catholicky, I think.
JoJo cries and tells the camera that she’ll miss Wells. She probably shouldn’t have dumped him then. She says that it’s tough dating 28 men because you have to dump a bunch of them. That’s totally why I never date 28 people. JoJo walks alone into some kind of Argentinian rave that she was obviously supposed to attend with Wells, but she dumped him. The Argentinians dance and JoJo just kind of hangs out alone. She’s Wellsless. She is sans wells. Her wells have run dry. I’m out of Wells puns. Oh Wells, I guess alls Wells that ends Wells.
The group date is next. JoJo brings Alex, Luke, Aaron Rodger’s little brother, Robby and James Taylor to a market because that’s never been done before. Then, they all play soccer because it’s the stupidest possible thing that could happen. ABC always strives to do the stupidest thing. It’s their mission.
James Taylor wins the soccer contest thing and gets to kiss JoJo. I’m not sure why they’d have a contest with that as the prize. If you want to kiss JoJo, just kiss JoJo. Anyone reading this can just walk up to JoJo and kiss her. She’ll almost be mad if you don’t. Not kissing JoJo is a huge insult in her culture. She’s like one of the countries where they get mad if you don’t burp after eating a meal, except burping is kissing and meals are her face.
The group retreats to some random room somewhere in Buenos Aires. This seems safe. Has ABC ever heard of South American kidnapping? JoJo pulls Luke aside to talk about how connecty their connection is. It’s super connecty, you guys. If you harnessed the power of their connection, you could electrocute a water buffalo.
Luke tells JoJo that he wants to have something special. He must mean a relationship. Then, they make out. A lot. It’s so slurpy. The camera is pretty much mounted on their shoulders as they make out. Even my wife says, “Woah, that’s a little close.” The makeout session lasts a solid 4 minutes. That might not seem like a long time to you, but try to watch someone make out with someone for 4 minutes. Go ahead, sneak into someone’s home and watch them make out with their boyfriend for four minutes. You’ll eventually get uncomfortable after a couple of minutes.
JoJo is falling for Luke. She is overwhelmed by her feelings. She says, “It is crazy. It is (makes a hand gesture to show the level of craziness) CRAY-ZEE!” So, you guys know how crazy things are. Things are ALL CAPS crazy.
James Taylor pulls JoJo aside to talk. They don’t make out right away, so you know things are not completely CRAY-ZEE yet. James Taylor is concerned about Aaron Rodger’s little brother. James Taylor tells JoJo that Aaron Rodger’s little brother is not sincere. He says that Aaron Rodger’s little brother acted entitled when they were playing cards. JoJo thanks James Taylor and then makes out with him. That means she’s happy. JoJo has different ways of making out with guys. If she’s super into you, you’ll get a 4-minute makeout session. If she’s just grateful because you provided her with inside information about one of her boyfriends, it’s about a 30 second makeout session. If you bring JoJo her mail, she’ll probably make out with you for 10 seconds, tops. If you do her taxes and find inaccuracies that save her from getting audited, you’re gonna get at least 3 minutes of tongue. It’s a sliding scale.
With this new information, JoJo pulls Aaron Rodger’s little brother aside to talk about the altercation he had with James Taylor. She’s concerned with how Aaron Rodger’s little brother acted during this altercation. Aaron Rodger’s little brother acts defensive because he doesn’t like it when his girlfriend’s other boyfriends talk about him behind his back.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother explains himself. He says that they were playing cards and he was just explaining the rules. He tells JoJo that he’s not entitled and that he’s proud of the person he is. JoJo accepts Aaron Rodger’s little brother’s explanation. Then, they make out. Aaron Rodger’s little brother tells the camera that he does not think he’s better than anyone in the house. He’s used to not being better than people in his own house. Boom! Sports quota filled.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother goes into the other room with James Taylor and the other guys and doesn’t say anything. They want to know why he’s acting weird. He’s acting weird because James Taylor stabbed him in the back. Aaron Rodger’s little brother confronts James Taylor and they argue. It’s boring.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother wants to know how he could be perceived as entitled because he explained the rules of a card game. They should have played ‘The Bachelorette’, because there are no rules to explain in that game. That game has no rules. What follows is an awkward five minutes of nothing set to dramatic music. Absolutely nothing happens. I hate this show.
JoJo gives the group date rose to Luke because she’s super into him. The rest of the boyfriends are mad. Aaron Rodger’s little brother is the most mad because his integrity has been questioned. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, never questions someone’s integrity, even if they try to explain the rules of a card game to you. You might accidentally ruin their life.
The 2-on-1 date is next. Derek and Chase will go out with JoJo and only one of them will stay on the game show. Chase really doesn’t like Derek, so there’s extra drama. It’s not Chad/Alex-level drama, but there’s some drama.
JoJo talks about how tough 2-on-1 dates are. If only ABC had the power to not make her go on 2-on-1 dates. Unfortunately, their hands are tied. She absolutely must go on 2-on-1 dates because that’s the only way to possibly find love.
JoJo is stealing this guy’s oxygen.
JoJo takes her two boyfriends to a dance studio. They’re going to do a 3-way tango dance. I remember how my wife and I never really connected in our courtship until we brought another guy into the mix to tango. After that, we were super in love.
ABC makes us watch a bunch of tangoing. I do not enjoy watching it. I sit and think about how cool it would be if a scorpion wandered into my living room and stung my eyes out.
When the dancing mercifully ends. JoJo, Chase and Derek go to a rooftop to not eat the food. There’s more awkwardness. JoJo pulls Derek aside and he tells her that he’s ready to open up to her. I yell out, “Don’t open up to her!” but he does it anyway. Derek tells JoJo that he’s falling for her. They make out. It’s slurpy. They do that annoying thing where they’re half-whispering and half-growling. I hate that. JoJo likes Derek. She growled, so you know it’s true.
Chase gets the next chance to jam his tongue down JoJo’s throat. He talks to her first, and that’s a bad move. Just go for it, Chase. Don’t chase; catch! Guys, that’s a pretty funny joke based on the guy’s name. You should have lol’d. You guys don’t get me at all.
JoJo tells Chase that she doesn’t feel love from him. Chase is all, “Woah!” JoJo scolds him for not opening up. Chase doesn’t say anything about how hard it is to open up to someone with a camera three inches from your face. He just kind of stammers. JoJo yells at him. Chase is blowing it, but from the way JoJo is acting right now, I kind of feel glad for Chase. If a woman is going to yell at you for not falling for her during the 15 minutes you’ve spent with her, she’s not the one.
Chase tries to open up, but it’s too late. ABC doesn’t even play the softest music they can find while he tries to redeem himself.
Miraculously, Chase manages to open up. It’s openuppy. JoJo makes out with Chase. It’s her way of rewarding him for the effort. JoJo’s kiss currency is interesting.
11 seconds later, JoJo dumps Derek. She gives Chase the rose and makes out with him a little, right in front of Derek. It’s not the least bit awkward. She seriously just swallowed Derek’s face a minute ago, then she dumped him. Maybe she’s a plant that can’t survive without carbon dioxide, so she has to make out with these guys to breathe. They do always seem to be out of breath after making out with her. You guys, JoJo is a plant! I figured it out!
Derek gets thrown into a cab. He tells the camera that he wasn’t enough for JoJo. He says, “I’m Derek, and Derek isn’t perfect.” That was my yearbook quote. Derek cries alone in his limo. JoJo and Chase walk into a ballroom to listen to an Argentinian woman sing. It’s super romantic. We get a solid four minutes of Derek crying while the Argentinian woman sings ‘Don’t cry for me, Argentina’. It’s like he’s not even listening to the song! I can’t be mad at him. He’s Derek, and Derek isn’t perfect.
The cocktail party is next. Before it starts, JoJo stands on a balcony and thinks about her decisions. Every decision has a consequence and JoJo weighs those consequences. It’s weighy.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother pulls JoJo aside to further explain his commitment to love. He says that he wants to fall in love with JoJo. JoJo gets super happy because she likes it when guys fall in love with her. When she tries to talk, Aaron Rodger’s little brother grabs her face and kisses her to make it stop. I applaud because I’m really sick of listening to people talk.
Alex is nervous because he’s never had a 1-on-1 date before. He thinks that he might be going home. JoJo tells Alex that he’s not behind in the game and, to prove it, she makes out with him. So, JoJo can use her makeout skills to prove things to people too. She’s so versatile.
JoJo makes out with a couple more boyfriends and then Chris Harrison bangs his stupid glass with a fork to signal the end of the fun. The rose ceremony is next.
JoJo takes some time to think before the rose ceremony. This woman thinks a lot. Between the thinking and making out, she must be exhausted. She’s like a decathlete in a really stupid and pointless Olympics.
Only one more boyfriend gets dumped during the rose ceremony. After this, there will be five boyfriends remaining. The guys discuss who they think is going home. James Taylor says something about how he thinks Alex is going home and then again says, “The hays in the barn.” I’m gonna start using that phrase for everything.
JoJo breaks down and leaves the rose ceremony because she can’t take the drama of dumping more boyfriends. If only someone told her that, when she started dating 28 men, she’d have to dump some of them. The hay is in the barn. She leaves before handing out the final rose with James Taylor and Alex waiting, without a rose.
Chris Harrison tries to help JoJo. He says, “What just happened?” Chris Harrison is so good at this, you guys!
JoJo says that she doesn’t want to hand out the last rose, so we’re all like, “Woah”! But, it turns out it was just a classic ABC goof. They brought in an extra rose so she could give both James Taylor and Alex a rose. No one else got dumped. The hay is in the barn. It’s a super happy ending, until next week when she has to dump twice as many guys.
James Taylor is so happy to get a rose that he cries. I’m really sick of that guy. He cries over everything. He’s gonna get dehydrated. I can’t be too mad. He’s James Taylor, and James Taylor isn’t perfect.
