Two Hours of Armpit Fart Noise

With the jitters of the first date out of the way, JoJo can finally relax and really get to know her 20 boyfriends. This is an important stage in any relationship; she will learn some of their names. ABC has given JoJo a pretty good crop of potential short-term fiancés. There’s muskrat eyebrows, Santa, Aaron Rodger’s little brother, the murderer, designer cowboy and some others. Mathematically, it’s almost impossible for her to NOT find love. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’!

JoJo and her boyfriends are in Los Angeles at the Bachelor mansion. It’s week 2, but the preview footage shows us that guys are already throwing around words like “connection” and “jealous.” There will also be tension, drama and finger pointing. I’m so excited, I could throw up.

We begin with JoJo standing on a balcony, staring off into the distance while thinking about love. To ensure that we understand that JoJo is standing on a balcony and thinking, ABC gives us two different camera angles of the thinking. It’s thinkey.

Do you guys remember Chad? Nevermind. No one is reading this. Anyway, Chad continues to play the role of the bad guy. He says mean things to the camera and acts mean. You guys, I question whether or not Chad is here for the right reasons. Actually, he is here for the right reasons because he was hand-selected and hired by ABC to be a terrible person to add drama to their stupid show. You see, ABC wants JoJo to find love so they hire jerks to act jerkey and confuse JoJo.

Worthless Chris Harrison comes in and drops off the date card. He announces that there will be 2 group dates and a one-on-one date. The guys celebrate the dates. You guys celebrated too, admit it! Next, a limo explodes in front of the mansion. The bros run outside and see the fire. JoJo arrives on a firetruck to put out the limo fire. JoJo was only wearing half of the firefighter uniform, which is against regulations. Her top half isn’t flame retardant. I don’t think she’s a real firefighter. The group date will involve putting out fire, I’m guessing. I wish I was on fire.

When we come back from commercial ABC shows Chad doing shirtless pull-ups because I don’t hate my life enough yet. Then, we re-join the group date. Keep up!

JoJo’s boyfriends go through firefighter training. Please keep in mind that the point of this game show is to find JoJo a husband. Firefighting is very important in any courtship. I didn’t train to be a firefighter before marrying my wife and our marriage is a total sham. We don’t even speak.

What follows is 13 solid minutes of guys running with hoses and opening doors with axes. Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals is on a different channel. Wells, the Radio DJ struggles with his axing. I bet he’s struggling because he doesn’t have help from the singing group All 4 One this week. The fire chief calls over Bachelorette medics to examine Wells. Bachelorette medics are specially trained for firefighter-related fatigue. Wells doesn’t die.

Back at the mansion, the other guys hang out and sing a song about JoJo. Chad gets mad because he doesn’t believe that he’s reached the point in a relationship where you sing a song about your girlfriend. If you read down this far, you need a hobby.

We’re back to the firefighting. For the love of God, keep up! There’s a bunch more training set to super dramatic music. JoJo stands on top of a building and the three finalists have to rescue her. If you hid land mines on the pitch of a World Cup match, it wouldn’t be more thrilling and nerve racking than this.

Luke and Grant are neck-in-neck in the race to reach JoJo first for a chance at more alone time. Grant wins. He gets extra time. He’s a professional firefighter, so the whole contest was rigged.

After that stupid thing, JoJo brings her boyfriends to a rooftop cocktail party because the producers are out of ideas. Grant sits alone on a couch with JoJo and tells her that he’s never going to leave the house without telling JoJo he loves her because he may never come back home because he’s a firefighter. Then, they make out.

2^nd place finisher Luke gets alone time on a couch with JoJo too. They talk about his life. There’s a bunch of talking. Feelings are mentioned a lot. Luke tells the camera that he already has feelings for JoJo. They’ve been talking for 11 seconds. Then, they make out. It’s sloppy. It’s so sloppy. I turned my TV down so the neighbors don’t hear the making out.

JoJo gives Wells the group date rose for almost dying while firefighting. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, always almost die on your dates.

Derek’s one-on-one date is next. ABC gets important footage of Derek putting his shirt on while he talks about his upcoming date. It’s super important. I didn’t even know what was going on. I yelled out, “Wait! Is he getting ready for a date of something?” Then, I saw him putting a shirt on and it all made sense.

JoJo picks Derek up in a convertible and tells him that she doesn’t know what they’re doing. Apparently, Bachelorette interns have posted signs throughout the city and JoJo and Derek have to shout out decisions as they reach the signs. For example: they arrive at an airport and have to choose between north and south. They choose north. Another example: you read down this far and had to choose between continuing to read or doing something productive. You are obviously not reading this sentence.

JoJo and Derek end up in San Francisco. They drink wine by the water and talk about how excited they are about to be drinking wine by the water. Then, they make out. Derek says that he feels fireworks when he makes out with JoJo. ABC doesn’t blow off fireworks. We must still be in a recession.

Back at the mansion, JoJo’s other boyfriends sing the JoJo song while Chad and the Canadian complain. While complaining about the other boyfriends’ childish nature, Chad says the most amazing thing ever, “If you were making a protein shake made of the bunch of dudes here and blended it up, half of the protein shake would have zero percent chance.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m getting it crocheted onto a pillow.

The next date card comes and some of the guys don’t get to go to the group date. Chase is bummed that he’s not on the group date and Chad yells at him. If you have 20 boyfriends, two of them have to be named Chase and Chad. That’s a law.

We’re back to Derek’s date. Keep up! JoJo and Derek change their clothes and drink more. It’s dark now. They’re not in San Francisco. JoJo asks Derek personal questions. There’s so much going on here!

When prompted to talk about his past relationship, Derek struggles. ABC plays soft, “Derek had a bad relationship” music. JoJo tells him everything will be better. Derek smiles. The music gets happy. Everything is fixed. JoJo should work at the U.N.

Derek’s ex cheated on him and that’s why he closes himself off to girls. It’s clear that he’s closed off by the way he’s on national television. He’s practically a hermit. JoJo feels connected to Derek because she’s also been dumped. Derek gets a rose. They make out in front of a fountain.

The other group date is next. A bunch of bros walk up to ESPN headquarters. They all yell, so you know they’re excited. As they walk on the Sports Nation set, JoJo is talking about Steph Curry with Tony Reali and Marcellus Wiley. She’s a firefighter and a sports broadcaster! You can tell it’s her passion because she says, “I’m a huge sports fan. I grew up watching ESPN.” Didn’t her lazy parents read to her? They just plopped her down in front of the TV and made her watch ESPN all day. No wonder she keeps getting dumped.

JoJo brings her boyfriends onto a tiny football field so they can go through a bunch of physical challenges like dancing with a rose and getting dizzy. I miss the firefighting footage. Chad doesn’t play the games right because he’s too cool for that. He acts tough. Villains gotta vil. The other boyfriends hate him, as contractually obligated.

Next, the other boyfriends tell JoJo not to date Chad. It gets dramatic and scary. Chad defends himself and says that all of the other guys are here for the wrong reasons because they’re pretending like they love JoJo. I’d be proud of Chad for being right if it wasn’t for the fact that he is paid by ABC to be a terrible character on their piece of crap show.

Tony Reali and Marcellus Wily (former Buffalo Bill – sports quota filled) deliberate and decide which boyfriend wins the stupid ESPN competition. Chad finishes second. James wins. I have no idea who James is.

James reads JoJo a poem about how he’s a real person. It’s super real. JoJo gets emotional about the poem. Then, they make out. The audio engineer must have accidentally fallen asleep on the volume knob because the slurping is set at a deafening level. My neighbors think I’m either watching ‘The Bachelorette’ or sucking up a bathtub full of Jello with a wet vac.

Chad continues to watch the other guys interact and says mean things about them. It’s already annoying to watch the fake vitriol. I don’t want Chad to go home because he’s the villain. I want Chad to go home because his role on this show is tired and played out. ABC can’t think of any new ideas so they keep rolling out the same exact show, season after season. You could hand an 4-year old a box of crayons and construction paper and they’d create a better television show than this.

JoJo and Chad make out and Chad tells the camera that he’s starting to get real feelings for her. THAT’S NOT FAIR! HE SAID IT WAS TOO EARLY TO HAVE FEELINGS! CHAD’S A LIAR! I hate this show.

JoJo gives James the group date rose because he wrote a stupid poem. Chad complains that he didn’t get the group date rose. See, Chad? It’s not easy to develop feelings for a girl! You’re supposed to guard and protect your heart! As we go to commercial, ABC shows us the moon.

The cocktail party is next. Chad meets JoJo outside to take her for a walk. THAT’S AGAINST THE RULES! This show has no rules. JoJo and Chad make out. I am so mad. You guys are mad too, admit it! America is totally mad, on a national holiday no less!

JoJo’s other boyfriends are mad. They’re all getting ready to tell JoJo that Chad is here for the wrong reasons. They’re gonna blow the whistle on his wrong-reasonedness.

Some of the guys confront Chad about the rule breaking. Marine guy yells at Chad. It’s yelley.

Chase didn’t get a date with JoJo, so he pulls her into a room with a fireplace and makes the Bachelorette interns shake fake snow on their heads. Chase likes to snowboard, so he wanted JoJo to know what it’s like to have fake snow thrown on her head by Bachelorette interns. I’ve never snowboarded either, but I’m beginning to understand.

Next, ABC shows Chad eating a bunch of meat while the other guys talk about how Chad eats a lot of meat. This show gets cancelled after this season, right? I mean, it has to get cancelled.

Chad does more bad things. Alex the Marine confronts him. They point fingers at each other and say the word “bro” a bunch. The music is super scary. I’m scared. Chris Harrison bangs his stupid fork on his wine glass to announce the rose ceremony is next and probably saves all of our lives because I couldn’t handle any more drama. As we go to commercial, ABC shows the moon again.

The only highlight of the rose ceremony is that they show muskrat eyebrows and I had almost forgotten he existed. I’m so excited. Muskrat eyebrows got a rose and will be around another week. Think of how big his eyebrows will be next week.

ABC makes us wait until the last rose to see if Chad advances in the game show because they think we’re stupid. The guys who didn’t get a rose are extra bummed because Chad is the devil. I don’t recognize the three guys who leave. Next week, there are two episodes on Monday and Tuesday because apparently, in a former life, I committed war crimes or something.