Chris Harrison is trying to find a wife for his new friend Ben Higgins. So far, it has gone well. Chris got Ben some twins, some crazy ladies, two private ABC-approved concerts, some hot tub groping, a soccer game and a butt ton of roses. Ben has also grown fond of many of his 14 girlfriends. He’s practically married. It’s a magical thrill ride that will end with a 3-month relationship. It’s The Bachelor.
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The STD crew is in Las Vegas. We start off listening to Ben tell us how Las Vegas is the perfect place to find love. It’s true. If you’ve never been to Vegas, it’s just people walking around and falling in love. Some of them fall in love so much, they get paid for it. Plus, gambling.
Olivia is constantly making this face.
Olivia has been singled out to be a villain. The preview footage shows her being super dramatic with tears and stuff. The girls hate her because she’s all about dating her boyfriend. What a slut! I guess villains gotta vil.
Chris Harrison tells the girls that they’re going to Vegas and they exert much jubilantion. Ben’s girlfriends line up on the balcony of their mansion and yell, “We’re going to Vegas!” That’s how you know where they’re going. I feel bad for the people who have to live in this neighborhood. Every week, they have to hear a bunch of girls scream out where their boyfriend is taking them. There’s gotta be a better way to let people know. Haven’t these girls every heard of the internet?
The twins are super excited because they were born and raised in Vegas. That’s an amazing co-twin-cidence!
When the girls arrive in Vegas, there’s a sign on one of the buildings that welcomes them. It says something like, “Hey girls, it’s Chris! Welcome to Vegas.” The girls scream louder than an Air Force Jet. I can’t wait for distant planets to hear their scream.
Jo Jo gets the first date. I’m super pumped because I have Jo Jo on my fantasy team and she’s been quiet up until this point. I can’t even remember what “Jo Jo” stands for.
Coming back from the first commercial, we get some twin footage. ABC shows us how wacky they can be. They are totally wacky. You guys have no idea. They do such wacky things. At one point, the twins walk on a treadmill together. Treadmills weren’t meant for two people! It’s totally wacky. You can tell these girls are totally twins.
Then, Ben arrives at the hotel to take Jo Jo out. Olivia stares Ben down because she’s cray cray for Ben. It’s awko taco! ABC works hard to play up the “Olivia is crazy” angle. If you’re keeping score at home, the other girls who are also dating a man who is dating a dozen other women on TV aren’t crazy.
Ben takes Jo Jo on top of a building so they can get picked up BY A HELICOPTER!!!!111!!!1!!!ELEVENTY!! The wind from the helicopter things knocks over a little cocktail table and spills their win all over the roof. It’s awko taco. Ben’s other 13 girlfriends watch Ben and Jo Jo pick up their table and then make out on the roof while the helicopter waits for them. Take your time, Ben! I’m sure helicopter gas is super cheap.
Jo Jo and Ben make out in the helicopter. Whether they’re in a helicopter or not, they’re making out. They’ve never even talked before. Ben is totally going all in on Jo Jo. He’s betting the max. He’s rolling 7’s up on her. (I have no idea how to make Las Vegas gambling-sex metaphors)
The young lovers go to a hotel room, which is odd. Why not take a cab? There’s food on the table that they won’t eat. Jo Jo talks about how excited she is around Ben. Ben tells Jo Jo how excited he is to be around Jo Jo. He says there are tons of moments where he can’t even believe how into her he is. You guys couldn’t even believe those moments either, admit it!
Jo Jo admits that she just got out of a relationship 5 months ago. Her ex-boyfriend cheated on her or something and that made her insecure. Ben apologizes for Jo Jo’s past that he had nothing to do with. He asks her not to be insecure anymore and Jo Jo says, “Okay, I won’t be insecure anymore.” Then, they make out. That really happened.
It’s nice that a girl can just go on the Bachelor and tell a man that’s she’s insecure and he can just tell her not to be insecure anymore and it works. Ben is the most boring Bachelor ever, but he sure can cure emotional distress.
Ben thanks Jo Jo for opening up and he gives her a rose. They’ve hardly dated in Vegas! He cured her anxiety and gave her a rose in 11 minutes! Talk about speed dating.
The date isn’t over yet. Ben takes Jo Jo outside to watch their own personal fireworks display. The fireworks are all sorts of explodey! The other girlfriends are able to also watch the fireworks from their hotel and they’re totally jelly. ABC must have wasted too much helicopter fuel waiting for Ben and Jo Jo because this was the lamest date ever.
Ben and Jo Jo make out on the roof and don’t even watch their personal fireworks. They’re so wasteful. The worst part is, some little 12-year old snot is down in the street on vacation, watching the fireworks, and he thinks they’re for him. Well, they’re not, punk! Those fireworks are for Ben and Jo Jo! Stop enjoying them!
The group date is next. Ben takes 12 of his girlfriends to a place to do a talent show. I know, when I want to know whether or not I love a girl, I ALWAYS MAKE HER JUGGLE AND PLAY A BANJO!
There’s a ventriloquist named Terry Something in the talent show place. He’s there to help Ben find love. ABC makes all of the girls pretend like they now who Terry Something is. They love Terry Something. Terry Something is their favorite ventriloquist guy.
The girls are told they must do a talent. Most of them freak out because they don’t have talent. The twins are excited because they are doubly talented. Apparently, they used to take Irish dance class. Ertwin Go Bragh! They’re twinnately skilled. (Editor’s note: Reach!)
Olivia brags to the camera that she is going to be super talented. She’s uber confident. The rest of the girls are jealous of her confidence. We watch the jealousy.
While Olivia talks to the camera about how awesome she’s going to do in the talent show, it’s clear that she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. It’s awko taco. She also mentions how much she loves Ben. She says, “When I’m with him… bam shabaam!” That really says it all.
The ventriloquist lays down the rules of the talent show. He has his dummy say a bunch of his words. The ventriloquist’s mouth moves when the dummy talks. I thought that wasn’t supposed to happen? It does. It happens. The only thing worse than a ventriloquist is anything Chris Harrison does.
The twins are ready to Irish dance in front of a Vegas audience. They tell the camera, “We’re in it to twin it.” Have I mentioned how much I love the twins? They do their ‘dancing without moving their arms’ thing and it goes over well. The audience claps. The ventriloquist continues to move his lips while making his dummy talk.
This is how you find a wife.
The other girlfriends juggle, play cellos, sing in chicken suits and pogo stick. Olvivia pops out of a cake dressed all sexy-like. She dances in an un-sexy-like manner. It’s, you know, awko taco. There isn’t a ton of talent, but it happens and we watch it.
Olivia is clearly embarrassed at her awkward attempt at sexy dancing. Not as uncomfortable as this show makes me every week, but still clearly uncomfortable. Olivia racks up fantasy points for doing something embarrassing.
Back stage, Olivia freaks out and starts hyperventilating. She cries and tries to breathe. She can’t breathe. Her talent is definitely not breathing. The camera guy follows her around to show us her panic attack. She says, “I don’t want to be on camera. Why can’t I just have a minute alone?” The camera continues to follow her around. ABC is so worried about finding Ben love that they harass his girlfriends with a camera to make sure they completely freak out. I know I’m a huge jerk for saying this, but it’s always my favorite thing when the people who signed up to date a guy on TV complain about being on TV.
After the stupidity, Ben takes his girlfriends to a pool garden place. I don’t know anymore. They drink alcohol. Caila pulls him aside first and says, “I’m just gonna go for it.” Then she jumps into Ben’s face and pushes her tongue down his throat. It’s slurp-riffic! My idiot computer doesn’t think “slurp-riffic” is a word. Ben gropes Caila a bunch. We watch it. It happens.
Ben pulls Lauren H. aside and uses a ventriloquist dummy to talk to her. He makes the dummy ask Lauren H. for a kiss. It works! That’s totally a great trick. I wish I had a ventriloquist dummy in high school. You’d never actually have to talk to girls. Any girl would agree to make out with a ventriloquist dummy. They’d have to be an idiot not to! Lauren also kisses the dummy. It’s … super… awko taco.
Olivia is still embarrassed about her lack of talent. She pulls Ben aside and continues to complain about it. Ben assures her that her lack of talent was great. He’s such a gentleman! As Olivia continues to complain, one of the twins interrupts. It’s a twinister move by the twin! ABC goes to commercial right as the twin moves in. They never show any twinteraction with Ben! It’s so obvious the twins are planted as fake contestwints. They never talk to Ben! The twinstant they’re on the screen, ABC goes to commercials. It’s twinfuriating!
We’re back from the break. Keep up! ABC shows us the moon. Lauren B. makes out with Ben without talking to him. It’s a bold tactic that works. If you want to marry a guy on TV, don’t talk to him; just make out with him. I take a mental note.
As the other twin, Emily, talks to Ben, Olivia moves back in for more time. The other 11 girlfriends freak out because Olivia already had time. You can’t interrupt a twin! That’s rude and twinsensitive!
Olivia apologizes to Ben for her terrible talent show. It’s awko taco. Ben tells her not to apologize because it’s annoying. They make out a little. Ben doesn’t really seem to like her anymore, but that could just be because the camera always adds 10 pounds of disappointment.
Lauren B. gets the group date rose. Let that be a lesson to you young ladies out there; never talk to a man, just make out with him and his puppet. He’ll give you a rose, and probably an STD.
Becca gets the next one-on-one date. A delivery guy arrives at the hotel and gives her a wedding dress to wear on their date. That’s not the least bit psychotic!
The other girls act all sorts of jealous. Jubilee points out that Becca is a virgin. She contemplates whether or not that will change on the date. Jubilee says of Becca’s virginity, “She hasn’t lost in 26 years, I doubt it’s going to happen in 6 hours.” Jubilee is like a modern day Confucius.
Ben makes Becca meet him in a chapel. He goofs like he’s going to ask her to marry him, but it’s totally a goof! He’s such a goofball! I was totally goofed by his goofiness! You guys fell for the goof too, admit it! Instead of getting married, Ben and Becca are made to host the ceremony for other Vegas couples. Ben and Becca read the vows to a couple with a bunch of tattoos. It’s super romantic. I cry a bunch.
After marrying two people, Becca and Ben make out on the chapel floor. They marry a bunch of other people. It just keeps happening. I have no idea why. I mean, this may have been a not-so-terrible idea for the first 15 minutes, but it’s downright punishment at this point. None of this makes any sense. ABC is so out of ideas. Becca is still a virgin.
As we come back from commercial, ABC shows us the moon. Becca is still a virgin. Ben takes Becca to a neon museum. It’s where they take old neon signs that no one uses anymore. It’s a great place to get to know a potential spouse.
Luckily, the neon museum has a bench. Ben and Becca sit on the bench and not have sex. Becca tells Ben how much she wants to find love. She says love could be great. Ben likes that Becca wants to feel emotions. He says, “It’s good to feel. Please keep feeling them.” That actually happens. Ben told Becca to continue to feel emotions. It works! Becca smiles, a clear sign that she’s feeling emotions! This guy is a psychoanalytical genius!
The topic of Becca being a virgin comes up. Becca is untouched because of her faith. It’s respectable. I went to a Catholic grammar school and I remember how we used to read in the Bible about how God doesn’t want you to have sex, but he’s cool with you dating a guy with 24 other girls on TV.
Becca tells Ben how difficult it is to be a virgin. She says it’s hard to stay virginy because her lady parts yearn for male parts. Thanks again to Consumer’s for sponsoring these recaps! Ben respects Becca’s virginess. He says that he’s attracted to her values. I know values always get my motor running. Becca and Ben make out. Her mouth certainly isn’t a virgin!
Ben takes Becca’s hand and vows to always look into her eyes and take her on cool dates. I don’t know how he’ll top sitting on a bench in a neon museum, but I’m sure ABC will help him come up with some winners. Ben and Becca make out on their neon museum bench. We watch it. There’s a lot more tongue than I’m prepared to see on weeknight. For a virgin, Becca sure does use a lot of her tongue to kiss guys.
The cocktail party is supposed to be next, but ABC throws one of their classic curve balls. Chris Harrison arrives at the hotel and tells the twins that Ben wants to date them both at the same time. The twins aren’t wearing makeup. They kind of look ill without their makeup. There’s a big twifference between twins with and without makeup. Guys, I’m gonna have to stop with the twin puns. It’s not working anymore. I’ve reached the conclustwin of twin humor.
The twins get dolled up and meet Ben. He takes them to their house to meet their family. It’s a hometown date! Scream! The girls are totally surprised. Their mom is there with their dogs. Why do you read these recaps?
Ben tells the camera that he needs to dump one of the twins. He takes Haley into her bedroom. Haley has to hide a bunch of pictures of herself with her ex-boyfriend. It’s awko taco. They talk and there’s talking. Haley tells Ben that he’s allowed to treat her and her sister like individuals. I still can’t tell the difference between the two.
Emily gets the next bedroom date. This is the worst thing ever. They lay on her bed and talk. I think it’s Emily. I can’t tell. Emily says the same thing Haley says. I hate this. Emily calls Ben the greatest guy in the whole world for taking them on this weird bedroom date.
Ben takes the twin mom in the other room to get guidance on who to dump. The twin mom helps Ben decide who to dump. Ben is super grateful to the twin mom for her help. He pulls the twins into the other room and dumps Haley. He says that he did it in the house because Haley’s mom was there to soften the blow. This is the ultimate lowest point of this show’s history. It was just the stupidest thing I’ve ever watched. Haley cries and talks to her dog. Emily cries because her sister just got dumped. I’ll bet she feels half of the heartache, or something. Emily makes out with Ben in the limo moments after Ben dumped her sister. That’s twinsensitive!
The cocktail party is next. The other girlfriends remark to the camera how Ben must be serious about love because he dumped a twin. I was just thinking the same thing, but they beat me to saying it.
Ben gathers the girls and gives them a speech about how dumping one of the twins doesn’t have to get in the way of their fun. It’s a great lesson for us all!
Jen pulls Ben aside immediately. She hasn’t been on TV a lot, so I’m not really sure who Jen is. Olivia is not to be outdone. She runs over to interrupt Jen’s alone time. Villains gotta vil. The other girls hate on Olivia for her forwardness. You guys hated on her too, admit it.
Olivia brings Ben cake because she didn’t like how she jumped out of a cake. She apologizes for the way she acted before. Ben yells at her for apologizing. It’s awko taco. Olivia tells Ben that she’s falling for him. They hug. Ben doesn’t appear to like Olivia any more, but I’m sure ABC will make him keep her around. After all, those savages made him dump a twin! ABC is a bunch of twidiots. I’ve run out of “twin” words, you guys. I’ve let you down. I’m a huge twinsappoinment.
Caila pulls Ben aside and makes out with him. Ben sits down with Becca and makes out with her. Ben also makes out with Lauren H. Jubilee watches all of this happen. She’s nervous because she’s an orphan from Haiti. Ben reassures her and tells her she should be confident because she has a huge chest. Ben thinks her insecurity is cute and tells her that she should be insecure because it’s a nice quality. They hug, but they don’t make out. Now she has even more reason to be insecure.
The rose ceremony is next. ABC makes the girls stand on a grate over a swimming pool. It’s the perfect place to get dumped by your Reality TV boyfriend. Olivia brags to the camera how she isn’t going to get dumped. She doesn’t, because ABC wants to keep her around. ABC plays it up like Olivia is going to get dumped because that’s what they do. They haven’t had a new idea in a decade and a half.
Instead, Ben dumps Amber and Rachel. Amber didn’t talk until the last 2 minutes of the show, so it was obvious she was leaving. I don’t even know who Rachel is. I’ve never seen her before. There’s no way she wasn’t just planted there for the rose ceremony. She was like a Pro Wrestler named Steve Barnes. You know he’s just a fill-in.
Rachel cries because she was only on TV for 3 seconds. She says that she didn’t open up enough to Ben. It’s hard to open up when you don’t exist. Amber cries real hard. This is her second time being dumped on TV. The second time is always the hardest, I think. Amber cries on a couch next to the swimming pool.
Next week, the slurp machine travel to Mexico, where you can’t drink the water but you can make out in a hot tub full of it. During the credits, ABC shows us Caila and Ben playing a cookie game. It’s a game where you lean back with a cookie on your forehead and maneuver it down into your mouth. Whoever does it fastest wins. I went to college.
