(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got. We used to spend a long time editing these things. This year, you’re getting them raw… so enjoy the Canadian “flavour.”)
Sunday, October 18, 2015
{ BYE WEEK: Dallas, Oakland, Saint Louis, Tampa Bay }
………… 1:00 pm, Eastern …………
Washington …. NEW YORK JETS, J-E-T-S! J-E-T-S! J-E-T-S! (-5.5) 41.5
……. Kirk Cousins threw the game away last week in OT, undoing all the good he had done on the afternoon in taking the Falcons to the brink of their first loss of the year.
…… All this did was enrage the Napoleon of the Potomac. All week there are reports that owner Little Danny Snyder is pushing HC Jay Gruden to reinstate Robert Griffin III as soon as possible. In the process, this only derails all the momentum the Washington Original Continental Inhabitants have shown lately by reigniting the endless destructive debate over starting quarterbacks.
….. Jets come off 14 days rest after beating Miami so badly in London England that it forced the South Beach brass to fire head coach Joe Philbin. New York’s complete 27-14 win was analogous to fisherman in Wakayama Japan herding real dolphins into small coves before mercilessly slaughtering them.
Pick: JETS (-5.5)
Bob: Washington +5.5
Arizona (-2.5) …………… PITTSBURGH 44.5
…… General MacArthur returned to the Philippines to claim the spoils of victory over the Japanese In WWII. Sonny Barger returned from prison to make the Hells Angels the biggest motorcycle gang in the world.
….. and Bruce Arians will return to Pittsburgh to convincingly beat the Steelers and in the process remind them that he was a far better Offensive Coordinator than Todd Haley & should have been made their Head Coach over Mike Tomlin.
….. Short week for Steelers, Big Ben still a big risk to start, no more Dick LeBeau coaching defense, Cardinals got to rest starters last week in blowout over Detroit.
Pick: Cardinals (-2.5)
Bob: Cards -2.5
Kansas City ………… MINNESOTA (-3) 44.5
….. This is the weirdest line of the week. Chiefs have lost 66% of their offense with the news that all everything RB Jamal Charles is gone for the year. So why are the 14 day rested Vikings only a 3 point fave at home?
….. Viking OC Norv Turner has had lots of time to prepare for the fading Chiefs. Do not over-analyze this one.
Pick: VIKINGS (-3)
Bob: Vikes -3
Cincinnati (-3) …………….. BUFFALO 45
….. This number has been all over the place due to the health of the Buffalo quarterback situation. We will take the 3 points in the Ralph and go against our undefeated *Team of Destiny*
Pick: BILLS (+3)
Bob: Bills +3
Chicago ………………….. DETROIT (-3) 44
…… Word in the Motor City is that Lions’ Head Coach Jim Caldwell has lost the team. Now he & Offensive Coordinator Joe Lombardi toy with the idea of benching QB Drew Stafford in favour of ex U.Conn Husky Dan Orlovsky.
…. We already know Caldwell is clueless, and the only other time Lombardi was given as much responsibility as this was when he was the OC at tiny Mercyhurst University. We’d like to say this obscure Roman Catholic Division II school in Erie Pennsylvania is the cradle of NFL coaches like Miami of Ohio, ……. but, ……
….. Everyone in the loop knows that Matt Stafford has a big arm, unorthodox balance/footing and throws deep well to big targets like Calvin Johnson. They also know that this does not lend itself well to a short, measured & simple passing game that opponents pretty well have diagnosed before 80% of your offensive plays are snapped.
….. We predicted this last year, even though Detroit went a lucky 9-7, because Jim Caldwell is about as adaptive to change as a Dodo bird & as inspiring as a Ben Carson campaign speech.
…… Turfing out former coach Jim Schwarz due to lack of team discipline in favour of Casper Milquetoast Caldwell and a lack of team enthusiasm has clearly been a very bad trade-off & a big step back.
….. The Bears this year have jettisoned a lot of the expensive dead weight from their salary cap hell and temporarily freed their vessel from its financial anchor. Much like a 16th Century Spanish galleon stuck in the windless Saragasso Sea throwing squealing, kicking horses overboard in an attempt to lighten the ballast to get the monstrosity moving again.
…. So far it has worked for the Bears, who have won two in a row. With the Chicago Cubs attempting to reverse 108 years of futility, the pressure is definitely off da Bears in the Windy City.
….. Can Cutler put on another nicotine patch at halftime, put a dagger through the Detroit Lions and keep winning just enough games so that the Bears don’t eat his huge contract, take a big financial hit & toss him overboard next year?
…… As much as Bears’ fans don’t want this to happen, we think it just might. Bears win three in a row.
Pick: Bears (+3)
Bob: Detroit -3
Denver (-7) ………………….. CLEVELAND 42.5
…… The only way Josh McCown can beat you is by getting great protection & methodically surveying your secondary like a predatory Cylon for weakness. This is exactly what happened last week when he threw for a quarter of a mile in Baltimore and led the Browns to a 33-30 OT overtime victory.
….. Most would say that won’t happen here against the Broncos who have the best defense in the NFL and the top pass rush.
…. However, the Broncos offence did almost nothing in Oakland last week. They won 16-10 on a long pick six & didn’t score an offensive touchdown.
….. We believe that sooner or later, every offense has to win one for the great defense who can’t play shutdown every week. Also, this 7 point number seems too high.
……. Finally, Peyton Android’s deep balls continue to look like mini Hindenburgs missing several tail flukes being shot from a disabled catapult.
…. with that visual image embedded in our brain, we take the Browns to likely win a close, low scoring game. …… or at least cover the points.
Pick: BROWNS (+7)
Bob: Cleveland +7
Houston ………………………… JACKSONVILLE (Even) 42.5
…… With all the bad karma coming out of Texas this past week, it’s too bad for Houston that the Dallas Cowboys have a bye week. This means all the scorn, stupidity & insanity pertaining to recent events in the Lone Star World fall on the shoulders of the Houston Texans.
….. First of all, both Texas teams, the Houston Astros & Texas Rangers were knocked out of the baseball playoffs. Texas Governor Greg Abbot couldn’t wait for the game to end so he started texting about the Astros who were leading the Kansas City Royals by 4 runs in the eighth inning in game four, congratulating them on heading to the ALCS. Of course the Astros blew that lead and ultimately the series. To make it worse, The Texas Rangers blew a two game lead to the Toronto Blue Jays and they also won’t be going to the ALCS.
….. Like a typically gutless politician, Republican Governor Abbot then blamed his staff for the premature tweets. He also tried to distance himself from all the bad luck this seems to have brought upon the sports teams of Texas. Along with the choking baseball teams, the Cowboys were humiliated by the New England Patriots 30-6 on Sunday. Governor Abbot laughed off criticism that these were consequences of his premature tweets, and stated it was all just silly superstition. …… this is interesting, since Texas politicians have exploited superstition, non-science & hyperbolic fear-mongering unlike those in almost any other state.
…… After the football game there was a huge tragedy. Some Cowboy fan yahoo menaced several people in the parking lot outside AT&T stadium, he took another man hostage, pointing his gun to the man’s head. According to witnesses, a small group of people cheered and encouraged the yahoo to shoot the hostage. …. which he did. …. the man was put on life support and later this week, ….. died. The shooter was arrested, but in a State where not carrying a gun is seen as a sign of weakness, low testosterone levels and liberal enlightenment, we are sure that he will eventually be hailed as a righteous patriot. That is if he was legally carrying his gun as a result of Texas’ very liberal “open carry ” policies. He only has to testify that he was just defending his life from strangers he constitutionally has a right to fear.
…… That or he will find a way to claim the Cowboys’ parking lot somehow constitutes public property or free range access land. If this can be demonstrated, you can’t be prosecuted for killing someone. In Texas, anyone who “thinks” they have an actual or implied claim of ownership is free to defend themselves from anyone who ventures onto said real estate. In other words, they can pretend as if it is their own private property.
……. and in Texas, the chances of you getting convicted for murder/manslaughter/maiming with malicious intent after shooting a stranger on said land is less than 1%.
…. But the tweets & resulting bad karma are the least of the stupid, gutless things Governor Abbot has perpetrated. Recently, he enacted the incredible expansion of the Texas “Open Carry” laws that make it legal for students to carry firearms on college & university campuses.
….. This despite the fact every school in Texas & 87% of the students are against this. Already there was a shooting last week in Austin at student housing where a simple argument escalated into a severe wounding. However, nobody died, so you won’t here about it again.
…… Some students at the University of Texas @ Austin have decided to protest by wearing dildos and butt plugs “Open Carry” style strapped to their backpacks while walking around campus. The movement has been growing exponentially.
…. The students are openly breaking university rules that prevent the possession and/or display of said devices while on campus.
… So it is illegal to show plastic sex toys designed for sexual pleasure, but legal to carry weapons designed to kill people around an institute of higher learning.
…. The students are daring the administration to charge them and further escalate the idiocy of this situation.
….. The timing couldn’t have been worse. The inauguration of the new “Open Carry” law dictated that it come into effect on August 1,2015.
… this is precisely to the day, the 49th anniversary of Charles Whitman’s sniper attack from the Texas Tower on the University of Texas’ campus that resulted in 14 students being killed and 32 seriously wounded.
…. apparently nobody in the Governor’s office or the state senate was aware of the significance of the date or the optics of their ridiculous actions.
… However it isn’t surprising that Bible Thumpers & Republicans have a bad sense of time in Texas, since 80% of them believe the world is less than 6,000 years old.
…. Texans always warn you: “Don’t mess with Texas!” …. and they are right, …. because you might get some of it on you.
…. The Houston Texans suck and the bye week won’t help that sorry excuse for a football team. Bad Karma & the Jaguars get it done in Jacksonville.
Pick: JAGUARS (Even)
Bob: Jags Even
Miami ………………………………… TENNESSEE (-2.5) 44.5
……. Dolphins’ new interim coach Dan Campbell is definitely old school. Like Cro-Magnon School. He has reinvigorated the team with dreaded “Oklahoma” practice drills that leave players bruised and battered. His speaking style of simple adjective-less diction and Darth Vader Death Star stares really get your attention. Some players say they are actually afraid of him and many think he could snap at any moment.
…. His methodology is definitely 180 degrees away from the laid back Perry Como on tranquilizers approach of former boss Joe Philbin.
…. A week off means a lot of people will see the Dolphins getting a boost and come out attacking in this game with renewed vigor. We are not so sure.
…… Titans’ rookie QB Marcus Mariotta showed signs of brilliance last week, barely losing to the Buffalo Bills. The Buffalo defence is far tougher & complex than anything the Dolphins have shown this year. With a brand new Defensive Coordinator in Lou Anarumo & a Tight Ends coach now the Head Coach, we don’t see a big change from previous Dolphin battle plans.
…… Just as the Neanderthal diet can only lose you so much weight, Caveman leadership can only take a football team so far.
Pick: TITANS (-2.5)
Bob: TN -2.5
………….. 4:05 – 4:25 pm Eastern …………………..
Carolina ……………………………… SEATTLE (-7) 41.5
….. Okay, as much as we on a moral level hate watching the Carolina Panthers “Battle of the Somme” style offence set NFL football back to the age of Red Grange & Curly Lambeau, ……. we will acknowledge that they are successful at it. The Panthers also have several key defensive players back in the lineup. Also, they are coming into rainy city off the bye and that is an awful lot of points for the Seahawk offence to cover against a Carolina team who will probably possess the ball for over 44 minutes.
Pick: Panthers (+7)
Bob: Seattle -7
San Diego …………………………… GREEN BAY (-12) 50.5
…… Nobody in their right mind would take the Chargers here. Coming in off the short week & a devastating Monday Night loss to Pittsburgh. TE Antonio Gates return did help Phillip Rivers however, and last week Aaron Rodgers’ string of no interceptions since the Bush administration was ended twice by the Rams.
…. and we have never been in a right state of mind.
Pick: Chargers (+12)
Bob SD +12
Baltimore (-1) ………………………. SAN FRANCISCO 44
…… Rumours abound that yet another Harbaugh is heading back to college. Only more money could keep John in Baltimore instead of heading to USC. { If the offer is legit} Distractions, distractions but the Ravens aren’t good enough to reload this year or probably next.
…… “The Raven’s tell-tale heart beats for you nevermore inside the purloined letter Annabelle Lee.”
Edgar Allan Poe
….. or something like that.
Pick: FORTY NINERS (+1)
Bob: Baltimore -1
………………… 8:30 pm Eastern ………………….
New England (-8) …………………… INDIANAPOLIS 55
….. Tough week for Tom Brady’s golf buddy Donald Trump. He hit the Triacta with musicians this week when for the third time he was asked/told/threatened that they would like him to cease and desist from using their music in his political campaign.
1.) Neil Young …. “Keep on Rocking in the Free World”
2.) REM …. “The End of the World as we know it”
3.) Aerosmith ….. “Dream On”
….. all three of these songs however do have lyrical content that resonates directly, ironically and mostly negatively with the fundamental Trump campaign themes of:
1.) No new taxes, even on the super wealthy,
2.) “Making our heads spin because he’ll be so great at being President.”
3.) Replacing the Affordable Care Act with “Something Awesome” and
4.) Building a Maginot Line & Great Wall of China in parallel construction along the border with Mexico just to make “Doubly sure that no rapists get in.”
…. All this leads us to believe that Trump and his staff have never even bothered to listen to the words of any of these songs, or worse are not artistically intelligent enough to realize that they actually undermine the greed and more greed theme of the Trump Express.
….. Pats have lost starting left tackle Nate solder for the year. Colts may or may not start QB Andrew Luck, but Matt Hasselbeck has proven to be an adequate replacement. Maybe the Colts can’t win, but sooner or later someone is going to cover against the Patriots.
….. Mr. Brady got sacked three or four times last week, and hit hard a lot more. Now news comes that a sleazy associate of Tom Brady involved with his *Miraculous* …. conditioning is being investigated.
….. We are shocked and appalled at the news, and will not prejudge & make the same mistake that we did 15 years ago when we declared Lance Armstrong was cheating on a massive scale.
Pick: COLTS (+8)
Bob: Pats -8
…………………. Monday, October 19, 2015 …………………..
………………… 8:30 pm Eastern ……………….
New York Football Giants ……………. PHILADELPHIA (-4.5) 49
“The Irish are the only people who are impervious to psychoanalysis”
…….. Sigmund Freud
….. There are many scholars who doubt that Freud ever said this, but a lot more experts who believe that the essence of the quote is true and applies to the quixotic, contradictory nature of the Irish character.
……. Simultaneously a culture of unabashed, uninhibited pagan exhibitionism, joyous partying, brilliant oratory, superior literature, poetry, music and Machiavellian political maneuvering alongside overbearing Catholic guilt, Olympic calibre over-drinking & an ingrained fondness for fisticuffs, violence and eternal resistance to outside authority.
….. Somewhere in that plethora of traits, lies the key to understanding Charles “Chip” Edward Kelly, head coach of the Eagles.
….. Do we really have to guess just what the hell could happen in this game? The Giants sachet their way through a 30-27 home win over the low rent Forty Niners that relied on a circus catch for the winning score.
…. The Eagles kind of looked like who we thought they were and pulled away from the Saints in the second half last week, tallying their best win of the year 39-17.
….. The Eagles of Chip Kelly defy logic, categorization and psychoanalysis, but this week we see them starting their first trend of the year and win their second game in a row at home.
Pick: EAGLES (-4.5)
Bob: Giants +4.5
