(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got. We used to spend a long time editing these things. This year, you’re getting them raw… so enjoy the Canadian “flavour.”)
LAST WEEK: 9-6-1
Denver @ KANSAS CITY (-3) 42
The schedule makers tried to do Peyton Android a favour by scheduling the Broncos early in the year for their mandatory short week turnaround Thursday game. The way Manning’s arm has been going the last few campaigns, a late in the year, three day’s rest game would have dictated one of the following:
- Peyton being benched.
- Peyton being booked that week in the Steve Austin Cyborg auto-shop for an upper appendage refit.
- Peyton being sent to the Galapagos for a two week blood heating regimen lying on the rocks alongside marine iguanas.
…. But based on watching last week’s slipshod 19-13 victory over the Ravens, ……. even with the early year schedule break, the increased Geritol dosages, extra Ice Packs & all thePilates classes in Denver couldn’t matter this Thursday.
……. Peyton went 24/40 last week, 175 yards, 0 TD’s, 1 interception for a Pick 6, …. sacked4 times & a quarterback rating of 26.4. The new Gary Kubiak game-plan to run like it’s Penn State 1975 was abandoned early for a Matt Cassel-like 4 yard per attempt aerial attack that finally bore fruit on the Bronco’s final drive.
….. Manning directed an 11 minute, 17 play drive for 81 yards that ended with a field goal. Kicker Brandon McManus had 4 on the day, …. including a 56 & 57 yarder. Only the second kicker in NFL history with two over 55 yards in the same game.
….. The Broncos really should have lost, but Raven’s quarterback & human ATM Joe Flacco had an even worse day than Manning. He went 18/32, …. 117 yards, 0 TD’s, 2interceptions, 1 for a Pick 6, …. 2 sacks & a beyond dismal QBR of 13.1. …. Despite this, and losing DE Terrell Suggs for the season, the Human Counting Machine almost won it on the final throw of the game. Flacco launched a catchable ball to Ravens TE Crockett Gilmore who failed to grab the winning touchdown in the end zone when it was torn away by Denver safety Darian Stewart.
…… Peyton may have had a rough game, what with all the wobbley pigskin ducks he threw into the turf, off target & up for grabs last week. However, as a self described Christian Republican, he had to be inspired by several events this past week.
….. First there was the “Rosa Parks” like stand Rowan County, Kentucky clerk and self proclaimed Christian Crusader Kim Davis took in her deeply felt conviction to deny people their civil rights, equal access under the law and the pursuit of happiness through marital bliss.
….. Mahatma Davis is out of the clinker and back at work in her $80,000 salary job, but she still refuses to personally approve any of the marriages to couples she finds offensive to her core values. I guess the four times married Mrs. Davis does not adhere to the Kinky Friedman manifesto that non-heterosexuals should be allowed to be as miserable as the rest of us { and her }.
…. Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was there, trying to hog the spotlight at a sordid rally that resembled a twisted Near South version of a John Birch Society sponsored Mardi Gras celebration.
… There were Old Testament Literalists and Creationists in attendance, ….. Home schooled Tea Party illiterates, …… Various trailer park trolls & trollops …… and a battalion strength mob of well armed white supremacists masquerading as concerned patriots.
….. Huckabee sent his campaign staff into the crowd to prevent rival faint hope GOP candidate and big Jesus booster, Texas Senator Ted Cruz from reaching the podium and hogging any of the Kim Davis heat that he hopes will personally springboard the dormant Huckabee campaign out of coma status.
… { Ted Cruz did not look happy or healthy for that matter as he was being pushed around. Then again, it was bright daylight and Cruz’s visage & pallor under the best of lighting approximates Dr. Frank-N-Furter in the Rocky Horror Picture Show }
….. Preacher Huckabee, an ordained minister, quoted Leviticus & Deuteronomy justifying according to scripture Kim Davis’s legitimately held beliefs. If he truly believes that Old Testament rules are sacred, we can’t wait to see his future rallies during the campaign.
….. Soon Minister Mike will “out” all Republican candidates who eat shellfish, wear clothes of more than one woven cloth and who don’t blind children when they avert a parent’s gaze. These are just a few of the sins that according to the grand old books of the Prophets are equal to the eternal damnation of homosexuality.
….. Mike Huckster { his track record of infomercials touting dubious products is on a level that would make Dr. Oz proud } Huckabee also compared Kim Davis to Martin Luther King. He’s right, there were a lot of people in that audience holding signs reading “I have a dream!” and “Onward to Selma!”
….. but since Mrs. Davis was breaking the law in pursuit of denying others their legitimate rights, maybe there are better, more accurate comparisons.
….. Somehow the names of George Wallace, Ross Barnett, Lester Maddox, Orval Faubus & Bull Connor escaped mention in Huckabee’s speech. Scary thing is, if they had been cited, …. that crowd would have cheered relentlessly and erupted into a prostate massage level of rapture and ecstasy.
…. Even an old Medicine Show pitchman like Huckabee knows that you incite a congregation to the verge of anarchy, but avoid pushing them over the edge into the realm of the fiery inferno. A full-scale riot bodes bad National publicity that is likely a bridge too far in 2015.
…… On another front, Peyton got better news this week. Former GOP Governor of California & Shakespearean actor Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as host on “Celebrity Apprentice.” This is so Trump can concentrate his efforts and continue his Rob Ford meets William Randolph Hearst quest to win the Republican nomination for President.
….. Arnold said at a press conference that he is on the same side of the issues as “The Donald” and supports all of Trump’s policies, whatever they may eventually turn out to be.
…… Somehow, we don’t think this will be true when it comes to the issues regarding employing Hispanic domestic help.
….. More good news for Peyton, ……. big time Manning booster, friend, employer and Republican fundraiser John Schnatter, founder of “Papa John’s Pizza” had his legendary 1971 Camaro recently recovered in Detroit.
…. Peyton has been hawking Schnatter’s cardboard and ketchup abomination for over a decade and it has been financially rewarding for both. But all was not well in Jeffersonville, Kentucky.
…… Schnatter has been broadcasting a corporate legend regarding the odyssey of his favourite car for years.
….. In the late 1970’s, he sold off his prize automobile to help his father & simultaneously start his pizza chain. Then years later, he searched for it, found it, re-bought it, ……. only to have it stolen again six years ago. This August 17, the Holy Grail was recovered and the corporate publicity machine has new grist for the mill.
……. Schnatter is happy, Peyton is happy & we all are happy. This is good since a few years ago during the 2012 Federal Election campaign we all stressed over the future for Papa John and his circular frisbees of empty carbohydrates.
…. At a giant Mitt Romney fundraiser on his Kentucky Estate that rivals the size of Rhode Island, Schnatter had Peyton as a guest to entertain the fat cat brethren. Now maybe he was just in a bad mood, still a little too depressed over the missing Camaro, but Papa was in a bad frame of mind and warned us about dire times ahead.
…. He told the audience that the implementation of Obamacare for the peasants that work for him would ruin his business. The added cost of the Affordable Care Act would force him to add 30 cents to the cost of a large pizza.
….. He would have to lay off lots of employees, reduce more to part-time status ( most already are ) and close restaurants.
….. He decried the injustice & questioned where he could find the money to finance this unjust levy against unfettered capitalism. Then, right after the election in November, he promptly went out and continued his yearly promotion of giving away hundreds of thousands of free pizzas to promote the Super Bowl.
Better Ingredients!
Better Pizza!
Death to Healthcare!
Papa Johns!
……. Peyton is a proud, fading, approaching pathetic front-man with a major liability to ensconce, …… kind of like the late Kevin DuBrow, lead singer of Quiet Riot when he constantly tried to conceal his foot pedal operated Auto-Tune from the audience in a 25%filled, 250 seat bar.
…. The Kansas City Chiefs clobbered the Houston Texans last week and have never looked better since Andy Reid arrived two years ago.
Despite this victory, there are some minor issues on the Chiefs:
1.) Former #1 overall pick OT Eric Fisher begging out of last week’s victory over Houston with a self diagnosed phantom ailment. He’s being accused of getting J.J. Watt fever during practice week.
……. This isn’t really fair, since former President George W. Bush did something similar on three separate occasions to serve in three different State National Guard units, thus avoiding Vietnam service. President-to-be Donald Trump also received multiple deferments with various phantom injuries, so Mr. Fisher is in reputable Chicken Hawk company to counter all the haters.
2.) The Chiefs are still without a wide receiver with a touchdown catch. This streak stretches back to Dec. 8th 2013. With a little luck it can stretch to two calendar years.
……. The Chiefs’ fans hate the Broncos & even the usually dour Andy Reid & taciturn Alex Smith have seemed eager this week to crucify a division rival on Thursday night.
…… “Omaha” will be constantly drowned out by Gary Glitter’s “Rock n’ Roll Part II” as the Arrowhead crowd try to re-establish their outdoor stadium decibel record before the Buffalo Bills take a crack at it on Sunday.
Pick: CHIEFS (-3)
Bob: KC -3
