(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got.)
Saturday, January 10, 2015
4:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
Baltimore Ravens @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-7) 48
Last week we predicted Joe “Mega-Dough” Flacco would come through against the Steelers even though we frowned on his indifferent performance all season. You can’t just say he turns it on when it matters, because his poor play going down the stretch could easily have put the Ravens out of the playoffs. Baltimore is here more because of luck & the failure of other teams to win key games.
But Joe’s play does seem to rise in the playoffs because he takes the pressure off himself by playing so poorly in the regular season. When people have low expectations he then starts to deliver. He also realizes that the playoffs mean he might make more money through new contracts, bonuses and endorsements since management, fans & sponsors are suckers for recent success, like the last time when he led the Ravens to a Super Bowl title.
With a healthy defense coming into New England, this is the last team The Brain, Brady & Gronk wanted to face. Momentum counts in the onslaught of Ice Ages, receding hairlines, fluorocarbon fueled changes to the climate and NFL teams winning convincingly on Wild Card Weekend.
This could be a cold, hard hitting contest where the Ravens have the balance, the experience, the pass rush, the mojo & the enigmatic King Midas quarterback to beat the Patriots outright, …… who despite their record are still flawed and have been somewhat inconsistent over the last couple of weeks.
Pick: Ravens (+7)
Bob: Ravens +7
8:15 pm Eastern Standard Time
Carolina Panthers @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-10) 40
Early weather reports are shocking. There could be precipitation Saturday night in Seattle.
The Seahawks usually play a lot of weather appropriate and raucous theme music to incite their rowdy fans, so don’t expect to hear a lot of predictable, limp, weaksauce pop tart sludge like B.J. Thomas singing “Raindrops keep falling on my Head” or Prince squealing the lame narrative of “Purple Rain.”
However, due to local prejudice they do tend to play a bit too much tired, low level musicianship grunge music. To throw Carolina off, we have several suggestions that might confuse the Panthers & incite the 12th Man to even greater heights of vocal mayhem.
Suggested Songs about Rain to be played in CenturyLink Field Saturday to incite the fans:
1.) “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall” – Bob Dylan
Supposedly written about the Cuban Missile Crisis and its potential apocalyptic aftermath, this song was actually conceived by Mr. Zimmerman weeks before the 1963 showdown. However, the song has mystifying wordplay and a central theme spelled out via the unique Dylan style of vague observational statements delivered through Delphian proclamation. The whole song’s chords, words, timber and mood make the listener think something really, really, really bad and serious is about to befall them. Perfect for Panther ears on Saturday night.
2.) “Rain” – Status Quo
The all time Kings of English Boogie Rock deliver a typical 3/4 time signature foot stomper. Played at typical ear-bending volume with chanting fans screaming in tandem it could really annoy & discombobulate Superman’s super sensitive hearing.
3.) “Rain” – The Beatles
An under-appreciated gem from the Lennon-McCartney writing team that mesmerizes with off beat atonal harmony and drips with flippant sarcasm and general disdain typical of a John Lennon vocal delivery. The Beatles had so much material for their 1966 “Revolver” album that this gem was left off and released only as the “B” side to the “Paperback Writer” single release.
The song features the first ever use of “Backward Masking” or more correctly “Backmasking” on a commercial recording. A taped part of the song is played backwards through the reel to reel and re-recorded. It is used toward the end of the song as an effect, and foreshadowed much of the innovative recording experiments and methods that the Beatles would bestow upon the world with the future releases of “Sergeant Pepper,” “The White album” and “Abbey Road.”
Backmasking technique was later blamed by Christian fanatics in the 1970’s & early 80’s for encouraging young people to commit murder, do drugs and become satanists through listening to suggestive messages delivered to the subconscious. Specific bands cited for hiding subliminal messages through the technique were Led Zepplin, Deep Purple, Judas Priest, Ozzy Osbourne, Blue Oyster Cult, Frank Zappa & Roger Waters.
Of course many of the artists were sued, but they always won in court and many artists started to deliberately put backward messages into their recordings to mock the stupidity of the situation.
The Rain song by the Beatles should be used as a weapon in Seattle because it can unsettle the listener with its opening lines sung with snide indifference by the late John Lennon:
“If the Rain comes, they run and hide their heads,
They might as well be dead!”
4.) “Rain Dance” – The Guess Who
Disgracefully ignored by the totally bogus Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame nomination committee { a group that makes Sports Hall of Fame inconsistencies appear as inconsequential as an Adam Sandler movie or a Sarah Palin brainstorm }
Rain Dance appears to be another cryptic yet upbeat song until it changes mood only two lines in with the dark and abstruse question:
“Where’d you get the gun John?”
….. followed by the somber baritone chorus done in Native American style pentameter,
“Rain Dance, Rain Dance, don’t you wanna Rain Dance?
Don’t you wanna Rain Dance with me”
….. disturbing on many levels and generally awesome as well as politically correct since lead singer Burton Cummings is 1/4 Metis [ mixed French Canadian & Indian Heritage ].
5.) “Wings Wetted Down” – Blue Oyster Cult
lesser known ditty from their incredible treble happy second album “Tyranny and Mutation.” One of the best titled records of all time and one of the strangest and versatile when it came to content and style.
Possibly based around a Pablo Neruda poem, “Wings Wetted Down” is replete with disturbing wolf howls & the sound effects of blood soaked bathtub water sucking down the drain at accelerated speed. Its lyrics revolve around gargoyles, vampires, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse & endless rain pelting hoards of mutants maneuvering for dominance in a Dystopian fantasy world.
All in all, a perfect anthem for the silver, blue & night glow green clad inhabitants of the outdoor Thunderdome.
Normally 10+ points is too big a spread for these Super Bowl Champs to safely cover against a Panther team that plays steady defense and runs a ball control offense. However the definitive confirmation of the loss of star DT Star Lotulelei { 7 tackles & 2 sacks in the game against Atlanta } for the playoffs with a fractured foot offsets the Seahawks’ loss of DT Jordan Hill and tips the scales towards a rare Seahawk blowout.
Kryptonite is green, … Seattle is the Emerald City, …. Superman Cam Newton and the Panthers go down badly in Seattle and as prophetically spoken in BOC’s “Wings Wetted Down.”
“Pursued by an army of birds in the rain……”
…. Could any lyrics be more appropriate?
{ The title of the album “Tyranny & Mutation” does not refer to the first face to face meeting between Daniel Snyder and Jerry Jones }
Pick: SEAHAWKS (-10)
Bob: Seahawks -10
Sunday, January 11, 2015
1:05 pm Eastern Standard Time
Dallas Cowboys @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-6.5) 53
The Troll Gatekeeper Governor of New Jersey was at it again last Sunday, taking time off from instituting impeded access for Billy Goats Gruff & Jersey taxpayers trying to cross over bridges into New York City. There he was again, sitting in the glorified loge penthouse, soaking up the ambiance, & hoarding most of the oxygen available in Jerry Jones’ private box in Dallas.
As the lead up to the 2016 Presidential Election approaches, there is no substrate level to which this lap-banded hobgoblin will not stoop to obtain influence, support & most importantly financing for his run for the Republican Presidential nomination. Of course there is no conflict of interest/influence having Jerry Jones paying for all of Christie’s travel expenses including private jets. Certainly the fact that the Governor recently approved a huge Port Authority contract to a company owned by Jones is totally irrelevant.
When the Cowboys won last week, the Chrisinator pulled out his patented, spastic, uncoordinated two handed high five celebration that misfired yet again and ended up with awkward hugs & Buddha belly bumping with the various Jones’ relatives, in-laws, shills & Yes Men that occupy that esteemed apartment.
Dressed in his miniature red pullover amidst the Dallas meets Wall Street dress code of navy & white of the other sycophants, the Governor of the Garden State stood out like a red thumb, or rather fat plum opposible digit. He hopped up and down like a top half only clothed Winnie the Pooh Bear challenging the limits of that three sizes too small Christmas sweater to cover his still substantial girth.
The more we see of Chris Christie during these football games, the more he physically emulates a contorted McDonaldland milkshake stealing Grimace monster morphing into an adolescent Jabba the Hut. His desperate kowtowing to the donor people that could make or break his Presidential primary campaign run and his pathetic effort to be accepted by the money class that he worships on National TV probably won’t even hurt him in the present political climate.
A lot of people actually buy into this bully’s contrived story-line of “Just a regular guy staying true to his principles and cheering for his childhood dream team despite the politically motivated criticism of others.”
Of course this game featured one of the most celebrated sleazebag call reversals of all time, and of course it favoured Dallas, allowing the Cowboys a cleaner path to victory. With eight minutes to go, Lions leading 20-17, third down, an obvious pass interference/holding call was mysteriously reversed by an official fifty feet away without any explanation after they had already announced it and marched it off. The crowd cried & booed like the spoiled Texas fair-weather brats they are & Cowboy WR Dez Bryant ran on the field, removed his helmet and pleaded/demanded the referee reverse the call, but this blatant violation was strangely ignored and didn’t get the Cowboys the 15 yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct they clearly deserved.
Then predictably, Detroit coach Jim Caldwell who is more conservative than an 17th Century Pilgrim chose to not go for the first down on fourth and less than a yard at midfield. The punter then shanked a 10 yard punt and the rest unfolded like a bad dime novel ending in a Cowboy victory.
On the crucial last drive, fourth down and six, the officials ignored a blatant hold on N. Suh that would have made the Cowboys have to convert a fourth and sixteen. The League admitted the “overlook” on Tuesday, fat lot of good that did for Detroit.
The Lions maybe would have lost anyway & certainly didn’t play well in the second half. However, the momentum was obviously stifled by the reversal and nobody believes that if the exact same play had been called on the Lions, that the officials would have dared ever reverse it like they did for the Cowboys.
The malodoriferous stench of the whole affair is nauseating. “America’s Team” miraculously advances one step closer to the Super Bowl & the NFL drools over the ratings potential.
Of course when we use the term “stench” when talking about Governor Christie, we are not merely just employing a graphic exaggeration device. Earlier in his career he moved to stop New Jersey state officials from attending sporting events & concerts on the taxpayer dime. He outlawed the established practice of scores of government employees & associates going to the Meadowlands & Prudential Centre Arena to watch games and concerts in the comfort of private boxes.
Everyone was banned from doing so, ……. except of course himself.
Christie & his office still received 40 free tickets & access to private boxes for every game and concert in New Jersey’s publicly owned arenas & stadiums. When confronted with the hypocrisy of it all, he explained it was his job to promote the home teams on behalf of the state. This despite the fact he professes to be a lifelong Cowboys fan, so his promotion of the Jets and Giants was just typical insincere politician grandstanding. It was also common knowledge that these tickets were often scalped at a substantial profit.
The other reference to Governor Christie and stench refers to the porcine type.
Earlier in the year, the New Jersey legislature passed a bill by an overwhelming 80% vote to outlaw cruel, cramped undersized cages to raise pigs in. The bill had even larger poll support among New Jersey voters and even a strong majority of farmers. Well, the compassionate conservative Christie vetoed the bill, Why?
Well Iowa has a lot more individual pig farmers than New Jersey, but more importantly several very large agribusiness pork producers. They also are far less compassionate about animal rights and loathe any type of government regulation.
Christie is obviously looking to suck up to the big money in the state to perform well in the upcoming Iowa Caucus. Animal rights, ethics or the wishes of the New Jersey voters be damned.
Iowa has a thing about pigs. Recently, they elected a real intellect to the United States Senate. Republican Jody Ernst ran a campaign showing commercials with her needlessly shooting guns at a range and bragging about how she joyfully castrated hogs as a youth. She then explained that this is what she will do to all the pork in Washington while loud sound effects of squealing pigs played in the background.
Sadly, these commercials contained the most in-depth discussion involving the issues during her whole campaign.
Not wanting to bust a good lucky streak or opportunity to get camera time, Jerry Jones has invited Christie to come to Cheesehead Land on Sunday to watch the game from the visiting owner’s box. He will share the experience again with the usual coterie of extended Jones family hopeful heirs, fawning parasites & all the other various snotty divas and lords who were born on third base but believe they hit a triple.
If the Cowboys win, maybe Jerry can avoid injury from lame duck Christie’s frightening celebration misfires by taking preventative measures and calming the beast by quickly patting him on the head & rubbing his substantial belly.
This week Jones took to the airwaves and declared that he needed Christie’s mojo for the Cowboys to keep winning. He then speculated that the Governor deserved a Super Bowl Ring if Dallas won and that also if the Cowboys won he deserved to become President of the United States because he would have proven he can handle pressure after having to endure so much criticism & pressure for his Cowboy allegiance.
He said this with a straight face.
No wonder singer, entertainer & one time Texas Gubernatorial Candidate Kinky Friedman weighed in with his controversial observation this week. On an ESPN talk show, Friedman observed that the Jones-Christie dynamic is the biggest unrequited latent homosexual relationship involving a public couple since Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson.
ESPN then cut his microphone and apologized to the audience like the wimps they are.
{ Friedman is definitely not homophobic. He supported gay marriage in the Texas Governor’s race because “They have the right to be as miserable as the rest of us.” }
Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers had a sore calf even before N. Suh did that little lumberjack log rolling number on his calf two weeks ago, so him sitting out a day of practice this week even after a week off, does raise some eyebrows.
Regardless, there will be frigid cold at Lambeau where the thousands of Packer Owners will be seated outside in the thousands of seats they sit in every week contrasting with the uber capitalist Cowboys’ owner & the sleazebag sidekick Governor who will pose for the cameras from their climate controlled, glassed in world.
Dallas hasn’t lost on the road and Green Bay hasn’t lost at home, so something has to give. It’ll be the Cowboys’ secondary, even if super sub Matt Flynn has to come in to fill in for a one legged Rodgers.
Pick: PACKERS (-6.5)
Bob: PACKERS -6.5
4:40 pm Eastern Standard Time
Indianapolis Colts @ DENVER BRONCOS (-7.5) 54
There is no shortage of news & notoriety involving people called Andrew lately:
1.) There is the Prince Andrew Sex Scandal where billionaires, politicians & even Alan Dershowitz’s name have surfaced in an Anglo-American schmozzle with enough legs to make headlines for quite a few more news cycles.
2.) There is Andrew Wiggins, #1 draft pick in the NBA who is quietly improving this season with the Minnesota Timberwolves and making some wonder if General Manager LeBron James trading of him for Kevin Love was a mistake.
{ Fans in Cleveland have every legitimate reason to be concerned. The short term sellout of the Cavaliers by his highness may damage the team more than it was before he returned. There is no guarantee that Love will re-sign, the recent acquisition of J.R. Smith, Iman Shumpert and the Moscow Mountain, Timofey Mosgov are desperate, short term band aids.
Worst of all, King James himself appears to not be playing with much intensity, sits out games and one can’t tell if it is old age, nagging injuries or a lack of will to play hard like his memorable Cavaliers’ non-effort in game six of the Eastern final against the Celtics five years ago.
Then a couple weeks ago after the Christmas game against the Miami Heat which Cleveland lost by 10 points, he spoke with Dwayne Wade at mid-court and covered his mouth with his jersey so people & cameras couldn’t lip read him. Unfortunately for him, highly sensitive microphones picked up his conversation when he said:
“If this thing here doesn’t work out in the next year, I’ll just come back to Miami & we’ll do it all again.” ….. there were no smiles, smirks or any sense of irony between the two, and why would anyone cover their mouth for 30 seconds to have a normal conversation unless they were talking about post game activities involving hookers, drugs or sedition?
3.) Comedian Andrew Dice Clay has actually recently seen a small boost in his classic concert DVD sales.
4.) There are rumours that there will be a “Hot Fuzz” movie sequel which means a return of “The Andes” the worst pair of incompetent homicide detectives since “Thompson and Thompson” in the Tintin books and the two guys who interviewed Matthew McConaughey in “True Detective.”
5.) To the surprise of almost nobody, Andrew Luck out dueled Andrew Dalton last week to lead the Colts over the Bengals and on into Denver for this showdown with Peyton Android & the Broncos.
Colts keep it closer than expected thanks to the sheer will of Andrew Luck to show up the washed up, stiff necked legend he replaced In Indianapolis.
Pick: Colts (+7.5)
Bob: Colts +7.5
Monday, January 12, 2015
“So Called” CFP [ College Football Playoff ] National Championship presented by AT&T
{ Jerry Jones’ Taj Mahal, Arlington, Texas }
[2] Oregon Ducks (-6.5) vs. [4] OHIO STATE BUCKEYES 75
[13-1] [13-1]
So what is the ethical choice in this game? Urban “Blight” Meyer and his stacked roster of talent that dwarfs all the other teams in the impotent Big X?
{ Really 12, 13, 14 or is it 16? …… who can tell, who can remember the actual number, since you actually have to look it up since they won’t rename the damn conference. }
Pope Urban brought his unique approach to recruiting, coaching and mentoring “student athletes” to Columbus, Ohio several years ago & virtually has gone undefeated. They missed out on the championship or bowl games last year due to penalties arising from previous Ohio State transgressions.
This is something Urban Renewal is very familiar with. Since he bailed out of Gainesville, Florida when it appeared a major NCAA investigation was going to blow the manhole cover off that cesspool criminal college of recruiting, academic and felonious behaviour violations. As it turned out, the investigation of the University of Florida petered out, but Meyer explained his running away as necessary for “medical reasons,” “stress relief,” and to spend more time with his family.
This lasted a couple of months, then he took on a full slate of broadcasting duties for the following year & then midway through that signed on for the far less stressful job of running the Ohio State Buckeye football team.
He must be proud of his Florida legacy. No school has had more “graduates” charged with felonies, epitomized with the sordid O.J. meets Tony Montana antics of former Gator grad & Meyer pupil Aaron Hernandez.
When you say Oregon, you’re saying Nike. The founder of that sports product monolith is a graduate of Oregon and he has literally spent billions on improving their sports teams & facilities. Like T. Boone Pickens at Oklahoma State & countless oil barons at Texas, money is no object when it comes to making your school a winner in sports.
Of course, cheering for Oregon brings some guilt too. Phil Knight’s Nike empire is built on the backs of child labour in Vietnam, Cambodia, The Philippines, Indonesia and 40 odd other countries that have labour laws that reflect those of mid 19th Century Welsh coal mines. The working conditions of these sweatshops make the workhouse & orphanage in Oliver Twist look like Disneyland. Nike hasn’t manufactured an athletic shoe in America for a very long time.
However, Oregon is the emotional & practical play here. No first time team has won the theoretical National Championship since 1994 when Steve Spurrier brought the University of Florida their first title. After that, the same tired usual suspects, culprits, cheaters, bullies & NCAA Apartheid powerhouses have shared the title every year.
Oregon has brought innovation to football offense & former coach Chip Kelly has brought it to the NFL. …. While we can thank Pope Urban for dispatching the even more unlikable ( it is debatable ) Nick “Chuckles” Saban and Alabama’s “Payroll Tide” in the last round, we have to believe he will have trouble here with a Duck offense that isn’t run by the “Slow to make adjustments at half time” Lane Kiffin ( who is even more despicable than Saban ).
Go Ducks!
Pick: Ducks (-6.5)
Bob: Oregon -6.5
