(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got.)
Sunday, December 21, 2014
1:00 pm Eastern Standard Time
Minnesota @ MIAMI (-6.5) 43
The restoration of normal diplomatic relations with Cuba has rocked the greater Miami area this week. Many ex-pat Cubans are really steamed at the President for giving in after 50 years because the sanctions against Cuba were just about to work, ……
No team should benefit more than Miami. The proximity to Cuba means that not only more baseball players will be coming over more easily in the near future, but the huge number of lesser known but very talented flag football players in Cuba will also soon be free agents and will start legally defecting, many wanting to stay near home and play in Miami.
This could work out well for the Dolphins as long as the political situation remains calm and Seth Rogan & James Franco don’t have a movie coming out satirizing the Castro brothers.
Vikings invade with little hoopla and keep it close
Pick: Vikings (+6.5)
Bob: Vikings +6.5
Baltimore (-4.5) @ HOUSTON 42
Tom Savage started last week, got hurt and was ineffective and now the Texans have reached out to local boy Case Keenum again. With Fitzpatrick & Mallet hurt they are stuck.
That being said, who can trust the Ravens & their quarterback, Joe “The Diva” Flacco.
Texans play for the infinitesimal mathematical playoff possibility & to get J.J. Watt sacks, touchdowns & the league MVP.
A close game cover at least.
Pick: TEXANS (+4.5)
Bob: Baltimore -4.5
Detroit (-4) @ CHICAGO 47
Jay Cutler out, … but for how long? ….. Will the Bears eat that mega contract and take the salary cap hit? …. If Quarterback Whisperer & Head Coach Professor Trestman wins this week with Jimmy Clausen at QB, does it mean he might retain his job?
Well local boy Clausen starting means die hard Notre Dame alums will at least show up and fill some seats. The Bears are actually having attendance issues.
The Lions with Stafford are 0-18 career against teams with winning records on the road. The Bears are definitely not a winning team and the Lions are due for a dominant performance. Who better to take it out on then your long time divisional foe.
Lions kick the Bears when they are down.
Pick: Lions (-4)
Bob: Lions -4
Cleveland @ CAROLINA (-3.5) 39.5
The Heisman Brat’s debut was as we predicted, …. disastrous.
The “Obverse Teebow” struggled all game & the Bengals mocked him after every hard hit and sack by displaying right in front of his face his very own patented greasy two handed, four finger Wall Street salute.
Now, one 30-0 loss does not a career make, but OC Kyle Shanahan has to start putting some of the RGIII playbook he used last year in Washington at the disposal of his “Punch Bowl Prince” quarterback.
A moving pocket, lateral swings, reverses, roll outs, jet sweeps, anything to get Johnny Bravo moving. If the Browns continue to sit him in the pocket like a toadstool, …… bad things will result.
The Browns’ strategy of standing pat in the pocket with an undersized quarterback will be disaster for them and Jonathan Pigskin like it was for the French Far East Expeditionary Corps in Indochina.
In 1954, the French attempted the same “stand pat” strategy in the middle of the Vietnamese jungle to hold off the communists & nationalists of the Viet Minh.
The staggering apocryphal defeat of the French army at Dien Bien Phu accelerated the decline of France’s shrinking colonial empire and the stunning demoralization of their military heritage that has never fully recovered to this very day.
LeBron James was sure Johnny Manziel would be the answer for the Browns, just as he was sure the Cavaliers would run away with the Eastern Conference in the NBA. Better call Cavs’ Player-General Manager King James to get his opinion on the lifting of sanctions against Cuba since he’s probably an expert on that subject too.
After all, Lebron did spend four years in Miami, probably occasionally conversing with bitter expatriate Cubans who think staying the course for another fifty years is the logical course of action from a macro geopolitical viewpoint.
Lost in all of this hoopla surrounding Johnny Frat Boy Manziel was Browns’ wide receiver Andrew Hawkins brave & eloquent actions defending his wearing of a pre-game practice shirt pleading justice for two recent black men killed by Cleveland Police.
If only the boorish meat head president of the Cleveland Police Union had half as much poise & general knowledge of the fundamentals that constitute a free society as Mr. Hawkins. His comments reflected a shocking ignorance of Hawkins’ actions and rights as an American citizen.
Jeff Follmer’s deliberately misleading statements of the facts surrounding the deaths of Tamir Rice & John Crawford III were a clinic of Orwellian doublespeak. His backhanded threats and arrogance only provide further tangible justification to the fears of many citizens.
Certain people in authority will stop at nothing to preserve their power at any cost, even if that entails having a significant portion of the population existing under the stringent auspices of a virtual authoritarian state.
The Carolina Panthers are probably going to start Cam Newton just a week and a half after his near fatal car accident. Miraculously he didn’t join fellow NFL players who weren’t so lucky in automobile mishaps like Thomas Howard, Rob Bironas, Chris Henry, David Overstreet, Jerome Brown, Jerry Brown & Derrick Thomas.
With a playoff spot still on the line, Superman will probably give it a go with two broken bones in his back. It is probably not wise, but Cam is fearless and still buys into the Superman myth.
He probably hasn’t read or doesn’t believe the story line of DC Comics “Doomsday kills Superman on the Streets of Metropolis” and is likely not that familiar with Nietzsche’s intricate fatalistic theories surrounding man’s interwoven coexistence with the Ubermensch in “Also Sprach Zarathustra.”
Good Luck Cam! ….. If he does go out of the game with serious injury or can’t start { probably the wisest choice } … the undefeated Derek Anderson will play and he has motivation.
Derek felt jerked around by the Browns when he played there. The management always seemed to favour Charlie Frye or Brady Quinn even though Derek went to the Pro Bowl.
Panthers win, especially if Anderson plays again
Pick: PANTHERS (-3.5)
Bob: PANTHERS -3.5
Atlanta @ NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) 55.5
Battle for the NFC South.
We have to believe the Saints take some of their recent mojo gained from wins on the road and apply it at home in a game that really, really, really matters.
Pick: SAINTS (-6.5)
Bob: Atlanta +6.5
Green Bay (-10.5) @ TAMPA BAY 48.5
The Battle of the Bays. On the surface, a Packer win, but they have not been playing well lately, especially on the road. On the other hand, the Bucs are coached by Lovie Smith and he has been openly speculating about getting new, young blood in for next year.
Code for tanking!
Pack win but probably don’t cover.
Pick: BUCCANEERS (+10.5)
Bob: BUCS +10.5
Kansas City @ PITTSBURGH (-3.5) 46.5
Last week we predicted that America would probably normalize relations with Cuba before a Chiefs’ wide receiver next caught a touchdown pass.
{ No, we didn’t, but what a wager and payout that would have been if you could have found it as a futures bet. }
Sort of a must win for both teams, comes down to a field goal which means the Chiefs cover and still probably won’t have a wide-out catch a TD.
{ WR Dwayne Bowe out of LSU has to be one of the biggest disappointments ever. Six years of big paychecks, mediocre results & disinterested play for Kansas City. }
Pick: Chiefs (+3.5)
Bob: PITT -3.5
New England (-10.5) @ NEW YORK J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS! 47
Rex Ryan’s last game home in Gotham. Rex shouldn’t feel too bad though, he won’t be alone, …. apparently Jets’ owner Woody Johnson “liked” a tweet this week that called for the firing of his general manager John Idzik. He then denied it, { right!} …. claimed it was a mistake, ….. but of course it still became a huge overblown kerfuffle with the piranha ravenous New York media who have few winning sports teams to cheer about this year..
There were three complaints to the FCC regarding Tom Terrific’s bad language on television during Patriots’ games the last two weeks.
Three! 3! …… a country of 316 million, viewership of the two games of 30 million and the FCC responds to these pathetic crackpots.
Well it at least it hasn’t reached the Armageddon proportions of the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction at Super Bowl 38.
America almost lost its moral compass permanently with that faux paus. Parents across the nation and the world rushed to cover their children’s and favourite pets’ eyes at the sight of an uncovered female breast.
What was it that caused such a furor on that day that caused the FCC to impose lots of new regulations that have further hindered normal broadcasters from doing their job to this very day?
Was it the sight of a naked boob? …. the fact that it was apparently pierced? ….. or that the melanin was darker than they were used to? … Or was it maybe the sight of interracial pseudo sexual innuendo play acting?
It sure wasn’t the terrible music that Janet Jackson & Justin Timberlake were perpetrating upon the audience. That was so memorable nobody can name the song they were lip-synching when their calamitous clothing misadventure shook the world..
Pop music truly is the lowest common denominator and this year will be no exception with the Super Bowl half time show featuring Katy Perry.
Yes she will probably perform an elaborate, overwrought 15 minute extravaganza of unoriginal special effects, confetti, explosions, dry ice, several costume changes, athletic posing & shadow dancing with multiple dancers with plenty of trite sexual suggestiveness pushed to the limit of what the NFL will pre-approve.
The actual music will be secondary to the visual presentation. The songs will be terrible, derivative second rate sludge suitable only for the disposition & emotional expectations of a fourteen year old girl. The vocals will be mostly lip synced. The music will be guide & click tracked with a band pretending to play their instruments and her voice will be auto tuned & octave enhanced even for the brief moments when her voice is live.
The hyper zombie “Rent-a-Crowd” with wrist bands that floods onto the field to surround the stage will act like they have just witnessed the Rapture and will pump their fists, jump up and down & take lame commands from the stage as to when to do what on cue throughout the performance.
We still don’t have a law like the rest of the civilized world that makes food companies simply label whether Genetically Modified Organisms are in their products, but maybe we could follow Sweden’s lead and label appearances like Ms. Perry’s with:
“Part or all of the performance you are about to watch is not actually “Live.”
In summary, it will pretty much be like every musical performance you see at the Super Bowl, on Awards shows, Talent competitions and every other mainstream network broadcast.
Pick: JETS (+10.5)
Bob: NE -10.5
4:05 pm – 4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time
New York Football Giants @ SAINT LOUIS (-4.5) 43.5
Looks like Jeff Fisher & the Rams are planning on going with Sam Bradford yet again at QB next year.
Don’t want to say Sam is injury prone, but throughout his college & pro career he has been wrapped in more tape than the Lost Mummy of Imhotep.
Oh well, it probably means the Rams won’t take a dive to move up in draft position to get a quarterback, which means they will be playing hard at the end of this year just like a normal Jeff Fisher team and sucker everyone into believing next year will be the big one.
Pick: RAMS (-4.5)
Bob: RAMS -4.5
Buffalo (-5.5) @ OAKLAND 39
It is always worrisome to take the Bills as more than a field goal favourite on the road. Even with this great defense in a must win situation, the Bills offense may not score a touchdown against a pretty good Raider defense.
If they do score a major, Bills’ players should be cautioned about attempting daring “Lambeau Leap” type celebrations into the “Black Hole.” Many dangerous recidivists reside there and special efforts should be made to avoid the most demented, dangerous and disturbing individuals.
1.) Black & Silver Beetlejuice:
Dressed as a cross between the Michael Keaton movie character & a chain gang member from “Cool Hand Luke” this emotionally disturbed individual stays in costume & character 24/7. When not at Raider games he can be seen floating in a raft under the Bay Bridge attempting to make it levitate using the voltaic-magnetic powers he believes the Pacific Gas & Electric Company are channeling through his body in a secret government sponsored experiment to turn him into a military weapon.
2.) Triple Headed Darth Vader:
This piece of work wears the fully functioning Star Wars headgear of the Sith Lord and bigger shoulder pads than Brian Bosworth during his brief career with the Seahawks as Bo Jackson’s speed bump. The pads are decorated with two hard plastic miniature busts.
One is of the ancient Celtic God of Death “Balor.” He was the Demon King of Irish Mythology. He had one giant leg and a single gigantic eye that could kill just by making visual contact with a victim.
The other head is an astute likeness of “Pazuzu” the most powerful incubus originating from the ancient religions of Babylon and Assyria. This lovely entity possessed the head of a lion, the talons of an eagle, the wings of a vulture, the tail of a scorpion & a prehensile serpentine penis. Pazuzu was responsible for all major natural disasters, but he also could possess individuals to perform heinous acts of his bidding.
When dressed in character, Triple HDV believes the power of all three entities come together inside his skull and direct him to yell unintelligible curses that disrupt the play, execution and concentration of the Raiders’ opponents. With the poor play of Oakland over the last decade, he has toyed with the idea of altering the membership of his triumvirate, but they simply won’t allow him to.
When he is not in full regalia, he works as a social worker and career counselor in inner city Oakland and is a Diaconal Youth Pastor in his spare time.
3.) Edgar Allen Porn Star:
This sociopath has been incarcerated or a resident of mental institutions for most of his adult life. He wears a giant Raven’s head helmet and mask with a silver pirate’s eye patch. His clothes are always adult film cliche uniforms like:
i) The Naive Pizza Delivery Boy,
ii) The Cable TV Installer who has no more service calls for the rest of the day.
iii) The Garage Mechanic with 101 bad carnal innuendo puns revolving around “Snap-On” & “Rigid” automobile tools.
iv) The Peeping Tom Virgin Pool Cleaner
He has been refused entry to the stadium on numerous occasions due to the possession of numerous edged weapons that he claims are religious talismans fundamental to his deep faith.
Yes, a faith rooted in the worship of mentally disturbed horror fiction authors like Poe, H.P. Lovecraft, Bill O’Reilly and the Marquis de Sade.
Bills win, but Raiders cover.
Pick: RAIDERS (+5.5)
Bob: Bills -5.5
Indianapolis @ DALLAS (-3) 56
What a nauseating sight in the visiting team’s owners private box in Philadelphia last week. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie in a red, three sizes too small Christmas sweater cavorting, schmoozing and cheering on the Cowboys with Jerry Jones.
He bounced around that elevated living room like a scarlet rotund tree ornament filled with super ball rubber and endowed with bad reflexes. He constantly missed high fives with the guests & potential campaign donors after every Dallas score. He behaved like a spastic red Nerf ball with a neuromuscular disorder.
At least his poor coordination didn’t result in an accidental strike of Jerry Jones’ surgically engineered face. An errant miss of that nature might have resulted in a medical emergency & loss of political support.
To ensure this doesn’t happen, Jerry should take precautions like Mickey Rourke and ban high fives around him. Recently, in a boxing match in Russia, the 62 year old Rourke fought a 1-10 tomato can who was also American. The Russian promoters have a five fight deal with Mickey.
( unbelievable, we know, but he has a huge celebrity prominence in Eastern Europe due to the reverential cult status of “Wild Orchid.” Like Steven Seagal who also makes a lot of money in Russia, he has adopted pro Russian views and has constantly expressed his support for the actions of Vladimir Putin. Always protect the goose that lays your golden eggs guys. …… And the State Department thought their only major celebrity headache was Dennis Rodman. )
So Mickey’s Russian promoters paid the “opponent” some extra cash and told him that he could coast through the first round, and take a nap in the second when receiving a body shot. They told him under no circumstances could he hit Rourke in the face because they were worried his stretched, spackled & puttied mush would “explode” and maybe derail their plans for the next four fights, ……. but then the tomato can went off script and told the press about it after the fight and demanded a rematch.
With the value of the ruble this week, they should probably have paid him in dollars.
Despite this, the promoters vow to go on with the fights
The Colts have less to play for than the Cowboys, but Andrew Luck & Coach Pagano have vowed to play hard in this game because they have not been sharp lately and want to go deep in the playoffs. Maybe they won’t have as many visiting fans as other teams in Jerry Jones’ Taj Mahal, but the Colts will still give them a ride, and the “One Star Cattle Rustlers don’t play that well at home.
And then you have DeMarco Murray’s broken hand & Tony Romo’s spinal issues to factor in along with their history of bad December play.
Colts keep it close and at least cover.
Pick: Colts (+3)
Bob: Colts +3
8:35 pm Eastern Standard Time
Seattle (-7) @ ARIZONA 37.5
Arizona has the best record in the NFL and will attempt to go to the Super Bowl behind the unknown arm of third string call-up QB Ryan “Mercury Blues” Lindley.
The former San Diego State Aztec has always had potential, and this is his second go round with the Cardinals. Arizona is so confident in his abilities that they asked Kurt Warner if he would consider coming out of retirement to lead the Cardinals down the home stretch.
Maybe Mr. Lindley will succeed, maybe not, but we bet he can play a mean lap steel slide guitar.
Pick: Seahawks (-7)
Bob: Seahawks -7
Monday, December 22, 2014
8:35 pm Eastern Standard Time
Denver (-3.5) @ CINCINNATI 48.5
Only negative moment for the Bengals in their total 30-0 face slapping of the Browns and their adolescent quarterback last week was RB Jeremy Hill’s post touchdown celebration. Hill attempted to jump into the Dog Pound to celebrate with some Bengal’s fans whose seats were adjacent to the Sodom & Gomorrah Pooch Jail. Then a Browns’ fan intervened & pushed him back onto the field.
It was a more defiant and effective act than any Browns’ player could muster on that afternoon. Jeremy Hill is lucky though, venturing into the unpredictable atmosphere of Cleveland’s notorious Canine Cage is one of the most perilous acts a player or fan can engage in when visiting an NFL stadium.
The only thing more dangerous is attempting to negotiate a time- share lease with a member of the Black Hole during a Raider game.
Bengals have only lost twice at home in two and a half years, a close game again means a cover, even if they lose. The weather could involve rain & Peyton has looked vulnerable in the elements.
Pick: BENGALS (+3.5)
Bob: Denver -3.5
