(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got.)
Sunday, December 7, 2014
1:00 pm Eastern Standard Time
Pittsburgh @ CINCINNATI (-3.5) 47
Now this is the type of game the Timid Tigers will win.
After their one point “Lawyer Ball” win over Tampa, many will doubt the Bengals ability to take out the Steelers & race away with the AFC North.
Andy Dalton had three first half interceptions in Tampa. However, he was massively sick with the flu. The night before the game, he wretched & vomited for five hours at the team hotel. It was so bad, RB Giovanni Bernard in the room next to him thought maybe somebody had brought a portable levitating CrazyBaby Mars levitating speaker surround system to their room and was watching the Blu-ray Director’s Cut of “The Exorcist.”
The Steelers are relying on RB Laveon Bell to lead them to victory. This week he plea bargained his part in the “Cheech & Chong DUI” and hopes to totally focus on his new role as the solitary prime running back in the offence. The Steelers seem desperate to increase his rushing attempts so he catches league leader DeMarco Murray of the Cowboys who before taking into account Thursday’s game with the Bears, …. is only about 70-80 carries ahead.
Like the Cowboys, the Steelers plan to run the odometer to the red line before the warranty runs out on their feature running back.
This is achievable because running backs in the NFL are viewed as expendable as Sylvester Stallone movies. The “Chong” part of the former dynamic duo is now in New England and has yet to settle his legal issues. RB LeGarrette Blount will no longer be able to play the role of “Bad influence Bob Marley” or “Pineapple Express” mentor to Mr.Bell.
.The orange & black further got under the skin of the Steelers this week when they signed three year Pittsburgh starting linebacker Chris Carter who was cut in pre-season. The obvious motive is to have him Mata Hari all the secrets of the Dick LeBeau defence to the Bengal brain-trust.
Since Big Ben had that 11 touchdown pass game a few weeks ago, the Steelers haven’t really done much on offense.
Why? Oh Yeah, Todd Haley is the Offensive Coordinator, and you don’t need a Benedict Arnold or Anthony Blunt to defect over the state line to fill you in on how that predictable entity operates.
Pick: BENGALS (-3.5)
Bob: BENGALS -3.5
Saint Louis (-3) @ WASHINGTON 44.5
Nobody knows if the Rams will repeat their Ferguson Protest entrance this week in the Nation’s capital. Washington Football Club owner “Wee Danny Snyder” probably hopes they do. It will focus the controversy of a game involving his team for once on something not of his doing, their dismal lack of performance or the sad devolving saga of Bob “Tom Dooley” Griffin.
People have wondered whether the “Black Power Five” Rams who entered the stadium last Sunday with their hands up had an ulterior motive beyond the public display of social dissent.
One thing is for sure, ……they weren’t indicating “Surrender” to the unarmed Raiders who they promptly waxed 52-0.
Similar results ensue this week. ….. Colt McCoy was mediocre last week, and another game film of him struggling, should do nothing but help the Rams. Saint Louis won’t score 49 points like the Colts did last week against Washington, but they probably won’t give up 27 either.
Pick: Rams (-3)
Bob: Rams -3
New York Football Giants (-1.5) @ TENNESSEE 46
It is unlikely the events in New York will prompt Eli Manning to lead any civil obedience demonstrations in this game in Nashville. Eli is all about football, 24/7.
The man is politically neutral, risk averse, has no interest in black civil rights history and doesn’t follow current events. Even if pressure mounts for the Giants and their players to take some sort of stand on the issue, Eli will likely recuse himself.
When asked once what he thought of the controversial duo of John Carlos & Tommie Smith he sincerely reflected & softly spoke:
“Gee, I hope they can catch on with another football team.”
Pick: TITANS (+1.5)
Bob: Giants -1.5
Carolina @ NEW ORLEANS (-10) 49.5
For no good reason, we loved the Saints to win convincingly last week in Pittsburgh. So it stands to reason that the Panthers who came off their Bye, lay down and gave Minnesota their easiest win of the year last week, ….. will somehow defy all logic and beat the Saints.
Not likely
Pick: SAINTS (-10)
Bob: Carolina +10
New York J-e-t-s, Jets! Jets! Jets! @ MINNESOTA (-5.5) 41
The Jets are so scared of their own fans that they introduced all their offensive starters last Monday night ……… except QB Geno Smith.
They were terrified that the booing & jeering might snowball into a riot that they could not contain and might spread to the surrounding New Jersey Townships.
Good thing the NFL didn’t know about the Jets’ management decision or they would likely have intervened and made Geno walk the plank at the beginning of the game like the rest of Rex’s Rusty Turbines.
Any riots might cause potential Presidential candidate Chris Christie yet another headache. The New Jersey Governor has threatened to legalize sports betting in New Joisey. The NFL has ( officially for the record at least) voiced outrage & disbelief at the prospect. So knowing the vindictive nature of 345 Park Avenue, one wonders when they will eventually go “Five Families discipline” on the Plumber of Trenton and force the issue.
Since NYC Real Estate is still so overpriced, the NFL will probably force the Jets & Giants to play in a new stadium built in Poughkeepsie, David Letterman’s estate in Connecticut, or Fire Island at the far tip of Long Island.
No word yet on whether or not the Jets’ players will enter Golden Gopher Stadium on Sunday emulating the Rams’ protest last week. The lack of Federal Indictments in the death of Eric Garner of Staten Island has prompted protests similar to Ferguson, Missouri; especially in and around New York.
This latest publicized incident of an UPEEM { Urban Paramilitary Edict Enforcement Mishap } involves a three times sued for Civil Rights violations policeman, ……. killing a man with a blatant chokehold that even George “The Animal Steele” would have broken off if someone coughed out “I can’t breathe!”
The Jets have pretty well laid down for every opponent this year, and choked away multiple victories.
So rolling out onto the turf at TCF Stadium in Minneapolis and adopting the pose of an Anesthetized Opossum and chanting “We can’t breathe!” will be nothing new or taxing for the seized turbofans.
Bridgewater & Minnesota kill off the Rex Ryan era with a result that brings back visions of the one-sided Viking decimation of the Franks and the total razing of the Fortress of Melun in 845 AD. The Vikings went on a year long rampage against Charles the Bald and his kingdom. They ended up destroying scores of French villages along the Seine and almost took Paris.
Pick: VIKINGS (-5.5)
Bob: VIKINGS -5.5
Baltimore @ MIAMI (-3) 44.5
Stick a fork in the big black birds, they’re done! The loss of massive Defensive Tackle & “Double A Gap Detour” Haloti Ngata means the Ravens will be missing the anchor of their defense. The 6’4″ 380 pound behemoth will miss the rest of the regular season after testing positive for Adderall.
Adderall? …. originally created as an ADHD cure and weight loss drug, one sees irony in the Tongan condominium being caught using this pharmaceutical. Like Ritalin it is banned because it has performance enhancing capabilities that aid concentration and fast twitch muscle fibers. So it basically gives some of the same positive benefits as steroids.
[ Jose Canseco specifically cited this more than a decade ago in his book and was subsequently ridiculed for claiming it. ]
More than ever, QB Joe Flacco will have to step up to the plate and justify his contract, connect more consistently with the non twin WR Smiths and win games that really matter. We don’t see that happening till his next contract year in 2022.
Pick: DOLPHINS (-3)
Bob: MIAMI -3
Indianapolis (-4.5) @ CLEVELAND 50
Controversy at QB in R&R Town. Yes, Brian Hoyer threw a few more bad interceptions and less touchdowns over the last few weeks, but the return of star WR Josh “Flash Gordon” certainly hasn’t helped.
He constantly leaves his quarterback in the lurch by running pass routes as if they all include a “Fork in the Road” option at the 3/4 distance pole.
Regardless, Hoyer certainly struggled in the 26-10 loss last week in Buffalo.
Of course Johnny “Amphetamine Fingers” Manziel came in the game late and scrambled out of the pocket like a slim Adderall fueled rodent, running, swerving, weaving & jumping into the end zone for a TD. He then promptly gave his patented greasy Ben Franklin digit rub with both hands to show the Buffalo fans what losers they were. He did this because he had no concept of the actual score of the game, quarterback etiquette, general sportsmanship or decorum.
He also mishandled a snap that should have resulted in a Bills’ major, but somehow was viewed by the “Powers that Be” as an incomplete pass.
One can only wonder what financial, publicity & sponsorship interests might benefit from a positive Manziel appearance?
So of course, after the game, controversy ensued. Browns’ coach Mike Pettine made a rookie move by being non-committal on next week’s starter, probably because he is a pathetic marionette being manipulated by his boss, the Truck-stop Don.
Then a story was leaked that the Browns didn’t believe Johnny Pigskin was “mentally prepared” to be the starter. Then Hoyer was declared the starter for this game against the Colts.
LeBron James has weighed in on this issue as the General Manager, Director of Player Personnel, Bench Coach and all seeing Oracle of the Cavaliers basketball team is wont-to-do on all issues involving sports in his sometimes home town.
He declared that he was siding with starting Manziel because he was “Family.” Well “Family” in the sense that they both belong to the same management company that King James has a vested interest in.
We get more sick of this diffident sometime Ohio resident & selective sentimentalist every day. ….
Browns cover in a game that promises to play out like a Fellini circus
Pick: BROWNS (+4.5)
Bob: Indy -4.5
Tampa Bay @ DETROIT (-10) 41.5
Reputations are funny things.
If you are a film director in Italy you are forever famous for your overall body of work. …… In France you are forever renown for your best film. …… In America you are known for your last film and how much money it earned.
Using a selective amalgam for all three criteria: Lovie Smith will be remembered as a steady defensive coordinator but lousy head coach. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be remembered for winning one Super Bowl many years ago & Josh McCown will be hailed as the biggest salary thief ever in his final year playing quarterback.
Pick: LIONS (-10)
Bob: Tampa Bay +10
Houston (-5.5) @ JACKSONVILLE 42.5
The Yazidi people of Northern Iraq are an interesting amalgam of several religions and cultures. They are of mostly Kurdish extraction and date back thousands of years. They have recently been in the news as they have been targeted by ISIS for genocide due to the insanity inherent in all religious fundamentalism.
Their synthesis of Zoroastrian fundamentals with the Hebrew Bible of Judaism, Christianity & Islam make them truly unique.
They are monotheistic and believe that there exists only one true God who is forgiving but rules only in the afterlife.
They believe that the Devil makes all the rules on earth and attempts to control it through direct instructions to his demons and other assorted minions.
As a result, the Yazidi believe that they must deal with Satan directly to neutralize & prevent him from overwhelming them and the planet with the negativity of his selfish purposes. Only when this reality is accepted do they believe bad luck will be eliminated and life can be worth living.
After decades of Jaguar mediocrity, it is puzzling that more North Florida residents have not at least considered giving Satanism a shot.
Pick: Texans (-5.5)
Bob: Texans -5.5
4:05 pm Eastern Standard Time
Buffalo @ DENVER (-10) 48.5
When the Rams cleared the Broncos from their browsing history two weeks ago they used their excellent defensive line & linebackers to get non blitz pressure on Peyton all game long. Mr. Roboto Manning still has nightmares and flashbacks of facing that Rams’ front seven.
It won’t get any better this week when he faces the Buffalo Bills’ front four of War, Famine, Pestilence & Death.
Three Questions:
1.) Do the Bills have a good defense?
2.) Will Bills QB Kyle Orton have something to prove against his ex-team that thought Tim Tebow was a better starter than him?
3.) Will the cold & snow annoy or derail the Western New York Express?
…. 1.) Yes! 2.) Yes! 3.) Please!
Pick: Buffalo (+10)
Bob: Bills +10
Kansas City @ ARIZONA (-1.5) 40.5
Two teams that have something to prove after devastating losses last week.
Never liked Cards’ QB Drew Stanton even when he started at Michigan State.
Pick: Chiefs (+1.5)
Bob: KC +1.5
4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time
Seattle @ PHILADELPHIA (-1) 49
The Super Bowl champs defence is back in a groove and everyone has been told to have patience with the Seattle Offence.
“Patience” like when Floyd “Duck & Cover” Mayweather finally signs to fight Manny Pacquiao in a prize fight, probably only when Manny’s brain gives way to show some form of obvious Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy.
What? … that fight signing is going to happen next week? …
But not this week.
Pick: EAGLES (-1)
Bob: Seattle +1
San Francisco (-9) @ OAKLAND 41
There has been a lot of speculation & talk around the sports world this year as to whether or not the NBA’s Philadelphia 76r’s @ 0-17 could beat the University of Kentucky Calipari’s. While speculating on whether Team Tankjob could beat Team Corporate College, one has to wonder if a similar dynamic exists in the NFL.
After watching the Raiders not only lose by 52 points but also get shut out last week, one has to wonder if the Raiders could even stay competitive with the Neutered Lions of State College Pennsylvania.
We knew the Silver & Black would have a struggle with a hangover letdown after their first win, but ………
That being said, we like the Raiders in this spot. Except for that no-show last week in Missouri, their defense has been solid this year, and the Niners offence is usually an uncoordinated hot mess.
The biggest reason the Raiders should win outright is that they are motivated. Oakland hates everything about San Francisco, especially their sports teams.
Oakland played the boisterous & supportive full-time working wife for decades to get the lousy Golden State Warriors through medical school.
Then just as the husband graduates, finishes interning, sets up practice and turns successful, the faithful filly is forsaken for the trophy wife.
San Francisco with her brand new expensive shiny arena that sparkles and does tricks because she is younger and performs acts of affection that you would never dream of, even when you were younger & more flexible.
Expect to see the Gold & Red clogging up the Bay Bridge in a hasty retreat after being beaten by a rabid Raider team and the loudest Oakland crowd of the last three years.
Pick: RAIDERS (+9)
Bob: SF -9
8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
New England (-4) @ SAN DIEGO 51.5
Is Phillip Rivers back? Will Belichick give in to his pettiness, stop making stubborn decisions and actually use the correct running backs in the right situations in this game?
San Diego in a shootout .
Pick: CHARGERS (+4)
Bob: NE -4
Monday, December 8, 2014
8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
Atlanta @ GREEN BAY (-13) 56
Team Relax Wisconsin is bound to have a slight letdown against the surging Falcons who as we predicted, ate the Cardinals last week.
Expect to see Atlanta Head Coach Mike Smith handle timeouts better this week. He just finished a crash correspondence with a Swiss finishing school that specializes in time management.
Yes, we know the climate is not hospitable for deep south raptors, but the Falcons are led by QB Matty “Ice.”
Pick: Falcons (+13)
Bob: ATLANTA +13
