(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got.)
Thursday November 20, 2014
8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
Kansas City (-8) @ OAKLAND 43.5
This week the DEA { Drug Enforcement Administration } widened its never ending, half century “War on Drugs.” Reading the writing on the wall, the Government Agency birthed by President Nixon out of paranoia & misinformation knows it needs new targets/strategies to justify its 2.2 Billion dollar 2014 budget.
Since its inception in 1973, the DEA has rung up a 3/4 Trillion dollar running bar tab. Many critics claim it is actually much higher. They have had so many monumental successes, it is hard to know where to start.
1.) They spent tens of millions chasing & assassinating the “Peruvian Marching Powder Kingpin,” …… Pablo Escobar. In the process and aftermath, through spending even more American taxpayers’ funds, they not only completely stopped the Colombian cocaine & marijuana trade to the United States, but turned the notoriously corrupt/inept/unstable/
2.) They have made major strides in the border war with the Mexican Drug Lords. That struggle is mere months away from being declared a total victory. A George W. Bush aircraft carrier “Mission Accomplished Moment” that will be celebrated from Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico to Gainesville, Florida, USA.
3.) The fight against Crystal Methamphetamine, Heroin & other drugs despite the onslaught propaganda of semi-pro-drug, feelgood Hollywood hit shows like “Breaking Bad” and “Sons of Anarchy” is also being won with more boots on the ground & a savvy social media campaign.
The DEA has recently updated the stupendously successful “War on Drugs – Just Say No!” advertising campaign from the 1980’s. Instead of educating high school students as per the dangers of illicit drugs with the highly scientific “This is Your Brain on Drugs” commercials featuring an egg frying on a griddle, the DEA has come up with an updated plan.
The new internet video campaign targeting Millenials, will feature electronica/gabba/trance rhythms pounding looped music relentlessly. Meanwhile, hundreds of stoned teenagers will morph via blue screen effects into giant i-phones and start melting into the dance floor at a giant Rave Party. The caption will read:
“This is your Brain on Ecstasy.”
…. “Nailed It!”
All these incredible successes, mean the DEA may be making itself obsolete.
But, by far the biggest problem facing the DEA’s future is the liberalization & inevitable legalization throughout the country regarding marijuana. This is happening despite the opposition of powerful lobbies of Private Prison interests, Pharmaceutical Giants who have no patents on cannabis & its derivatives as well as Police & Law Enforcement agencies at all levels who have to justify their bloated budgets [ notwithstanding the overall decline of all forms of crime except white collar ],
And of course the despite the infernal rantings of the always punctilious & enlightened Christian right who think that Jesus the Savior will return in the form of the late Eliot Ness, the recently deceased Efrem Zimbalist Jr. or the somehow still alive Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County Arizona.
The Messiah will be toting handcuffs, drug testing kits, an over- sized United States Constitution carved into Ten Commandments’ stone tablets, tear gas grenades & an M16. ( because we all know from scripture that Jesus specifically favoured the smaller calibre but more accurate American made assault rival over the larger calibre, less accurate Commie AK47.)
So with pressure to find new targets to justify the ridiculous financial cost that necessitates their existence, and the desire to make a big news splash, …. the DEA undertook a new operation this week. They hoped to generate some positive publicity by zeroing in on an easy target, the National Football League!
That’s right, the DEA specifically targeted four road teams after their games on Sunday afternoon. However, the DEA wasn’t doubling down on the NFL’s own substance abuse programme involving testing the players for illegal drug use. This time the DEA was targeting the individual teams and their team employed doctors. After the games the Feds thoroughly searched the doctors, trainers & the pharmaceuticals they were carrying. The targets were:
The San Francisco Forty Niners in New Jersey
The Seattle Seahawks in Kansas City
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Washington DC/Maryland
The Cincinnati Bengals in New Orleans
This little exercise was a complete Potemkin Village farce, and to date no charges have been filed or announced. Why? Well, the NFL was hit with yet another lawsuit recently by a large group of ex NFL players alleging misconduct involving the liberal, illegal “Pez Dispenser” approach to dispensing painkillers that the League has fostered for decades. So, in pre-trial motions, the League lawyers lobbied that it was the teams themselves who were most responsible and not the NFL as an organization.
So with the NFL having friends in the highest places in Washington, it isn’t surprising that these friendly baggage check, peek- a-boo “Raids” took place to focus fault with the parts rather than the whole. The teams were forewarned by the NFL weeks ago that this might take place. The charges, if any are even laid, will evolve around the cross state transportation of controlled substances & prescribing drugs in states that the doctors are not licensed to do so in. …..
These laws are complicated, but nothing a little money and the hiring of more team doctors with more/different credentials to prescribe in those states couldn’t solve. That is if Crusader Goodell and the owners want the League to maintain the status quo practice of delivering Toradol injections with the same frequent regularity & ease of the daily flyers that continue arriving in your stuffed mailbox on a daily basis despite the supposed arrival of the paperless world.
Far more likely, the League will eventually express virtuous shock at the past/present state of “Everyday is Halloween” behaviour of its teams’ medical professionals. They will claim no or little responsibility and a few sacrificial lambs will be offered up to walk the plank and a settlement will be forthcoming with the League escaping maximum culpability.
These sacrificial lambs will be team medical professionals that will be sold to the public in the image of James Woods’ team doctor in “Any Given Sunday” or the entire medical staff in “North Dallas Forty.” This is because the public needs visual association to categorize its demons & many of them don’t recall plot devices from movies well enough to realize that the medical staff were complicit, but by no means mostly responsible for the atrocities perpetrated in those films.
We wouldn’t be surprised if the DEA hired actor Dean Norris to be their new advertising spokesperson during these machinations. Nothing like employing your own Hollywood public relations style ploy and adding a little Hank Schrader charisma to your cause.
The DEA will look good in a PR sense because they are seemingly trying to go after the bad guys { and who has a worse public perception presently than the NFL } and these little handshake raids will pave the way for the new focus for the agency to pursue to continue to justify its expensive existence. That will involve more attention to the largest and most overlooked aspect of drug abuse; the theft, fraud, loading dock double dealing & doctor crime involving legal drugs.
To some it may have seemed surprising that the Oakland Raiders were not one of the DEA’s targeted teams in last Sunday’s raid during their trip to San Diego.
Sadly, the Raiders have fallen so far from their Utopian days of notorious swashbuckling escapades and Oscar Wilde reputation for Joi de vivre partying on the road that they were probably not even considered a potential target by the DEA or relevant to the Administration’s plans to achieve maximum publicity.
Time was, the Raiders were known throughout the solar system for their “Just Win Baby!” attitude that involved doing anything and ingesting anything to achieve that goal. The late Raider owner Al Davis must be turning in his grave or steaming in his urn over this insulting oversight of his beloved team whose unrighteous image he promoted to the hilt. The glory days of winning and partying before, during & after games like F. Scott Fitzgerald, John Belushi, Lamar Odom & Keith Moon at an orgy at Fatty Arbuckle’s house are a distant memory. The days of Stabler, Sistrunk, Tatum, Biletnikoff, Villapiano & Matuszak are long gone.
(If they had been raided, Al Davis also would have immediately cried “Persecution” and publicly blasted the League and Goodell for being singled out & subsequently would have filed several lawsuits claiming irreversible damage to his personal & franchise’s reputation.)
This Thursday game against their old, old, old AFC West & AFL foes the Kansas City Chiefs is probably the last, best chance for the Raiders to get a win this year. We think they will cover the eight point spread or probably win outright..
Last week we thought Phillip Rivers & the rested Chargers would easily beat the Raiders and cover the ten point spread. The Raiders however yet again played tough defense and only lost 13-6.
The Chiefs have a great rushing attack but have yet to have a TD this year scored by a wide receiver, conversely they have also yet to give up a rushing touchdown.
Well, the Raiders are great against the run, have the short week’s rest at home and face a Chiefs’ team that might be a little more bruised than the Raiders after barely beating the rugged Seahawks 24-20. The Raiders have their backs against the wall, the double pleasure of winning their first game of the year against a hated rival and the motivation to overcome the abject humiliation of being overlooked by the DEA in their inaugural NFL drug raids.
The best thing the Chiefs have going for them in this game is that there will not be a full moon in Oakland Thursday Night that would naturally energize the Silver & Black base. However, Recidivist Nation will not need any lunar cycle help on this night. Raiders win one (or at least cover) for Al Davis and to honor the memory of the Bohemian decadence of John Matuszak.
Pick: RAIDERS (+8)
Bob: Kansas City -8
