Clare’s Dad is a Sea Turtle

It may not look like it, but this is dramatic.

I’ll be honest with you guys. I didn’t watch this episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I kind of just guessed at everything that happened. I’m assuming there was a bunch of drama, sex in the ocean and wrong-reasoned behavior. Y’all will have to let me know how close I came to the actual filth and buggery.

Let’s first catch you up on the relationship status of our favorite island romp-a-roomers.

Marcus and Lacey are passionately embroiled in an ab-grinding commitment. Michelle Money is with No Game Marquel for some reason. Big Angry Chris has Elise. Graham and AShlEe are a thing. The rest of the crew is still searching for a flesh buddy.

Half-Mexican Clare is playing the dangerous game of desperately clinging to any man who will pay her the slightest bit of attention. It’s fun! Right now, she’s attached to some guy named Zach.

Right off the bat, some girl named Danielle joins the show. This show is like a sand storm. It pounces on you! Danielle is from a season, or something. Who cares? Danielle really likes Marquel for some reason. She gives Marquel a date card. So, they’re dating. Keep up!

Michelle Money is more interested in Robert than Marquel, today. Robert is paired with Sarah. Because Michelle Money wants to be on TV as long as possible, she needs to pull Robert out of the Sarah’s 1 and ¾ arms.

The next date card comes. Elise gets to choose a guy to take on a plane. AShLee wishes she got the date card so she could have a fun night out with Graham. Everyone is mad at Ashlee because she wants to go on a date with her boyfriend. To be honest, those two really need a date together to combat the tedium and stress of sleeping around together in a tropical bungalow. It can be a real stress on any relationship.

Clare says, “If AsHLEe thinks that she’s the queen bee and her and Graham are some sort of Power Couple, that’s her own doing.” Most evil geniuses are destroyed by their own devices.

Elise is taking Big Angry Chris on a date. We get to see her brush her teeth and her hair before their date. She’s excited. Chris messes up his knee and requires attention from the finest ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ medical professionals. They put ice on it. It’s a crack staff. Chris might not go on his date. I start bawling uncontrollably because it’s a disaster.

Marquel and Danielle both have intact knees so they go on their ‘No Game’ date. Marquel moonwalks and gives Danielle a flower. It’s grown sexy. 99-out-of-100 men who moonwalk on a date end up not having sex. That statistic is from an MIT study. Marquel also asked why Danielle brought him on a date. It’s always a great idea to question why a woman likes you. Danielle tells Marquel that she has a crush on him. He says, “Crushes are good!” Marquel is super excited to have found someone as pathetic as he is. It’s adorable. That whole moon walking thing worked! They’re going to have the most Non-Game-Having kids in the history of mankind.

A storm interrupts their beautiful date. There’s lightning and it almost hits the pathetic couple. ABC cues the super dramatic ‘lightning music’. Bachelor interns make everything safe.

Back at the bungalow, ABC shows us a lizard. Elise gets her hair did by Michelle Money while talking about something. I don’t know. You’re not reading this. She talks. Who in the world would honestly care what she is saying. She could have been talking about me and I wouldn’t care. This is the worst show I’ve ever seen.

Big Angry Chris sucks it up and gets ready for his kneeless date. Elise isn’t happy about the knee injury thing but agrees to power through the adversity and have the best date ever. Big Angry Chris complains about his knee a lot. It’s complainy.

Coming back from the commercial, ABC shows footage of a hippo in the ocean. That really doesn’t make a ton of sense. Clare and Michelle Money set up a fun double date with Zach and Robert. That leaves Sarah high and dry. She’s been double-crossed. It’s double-crossy. Sarah is mad because she’s on an island beach dating show and can’t handle that another woman would want her gorgeous, abby boyfriend. I can’t even.

Elise and Big Angry Chris eat dinner outside. It’s a real treat for us because they’re wearing microphones and we get to hear their gripping conversation. They talk about how they’re attracted to each other. It’s super romantic. The soft piano music says it all. Elise tells Big Angry Chris that he’ll be blessed for being nice to her. I think she’s talking about dirty times. I’d like to assume she’s just being sweet and not slutty, but I can currently see 78% of her boobs.

Elise opens up a letter and reads an invitation from Chris Harrison for the couple to have sex with each other in a Fantasy Suite type room. They consider their options and then jump into a pool to make out for 4 solid minutes. It’s slurpy. They go into their Fantasy Suite and ABC leaves their microphones on so we can hear groaning. I can’t be certain that they didn’t splice in groaning from a different scene. It’s risk we as viewers have to take. You can’t be sure of where the groaning comes from.

Zach, Robert, Michelle Money and Clare get ready for their quad-date. Sarah mopes around because she’s devoid of confidence. This Sarah girl is super annoying. The quad-date enjoys a bonfire and alcohol. Michelle Money throws herself at Robert. She’s over Marquel and his lack of game.

Robert doesn’t completely hate Michelle Money. They’re coupling up. This is going to really destroy Sarah. She’s the only person without another person. Sarah spends 11 minutes crying to the camera about her tragic position on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.

Just when we have some order to the ways of the bungalow, a girl named Jackie arrives with a date card. Jackie is super gorgeous. All of the other super gorgeous women are jealous of her super gorgeousness. Because it’s night, we can’t really see Jackie so we’ll have to take everyone’s word for it. Jackie hands her date card to someone else to read because she’s illiterate.

Jackie chooses Marquel for her date and he just dumps Danielle like she’s a piece of Mexican poo. Michelle Money isn’t a fan of Marquel anymore. She says, “It’s clear that Marquel is open to every possibility… every possibility.” So, Marquel is open to the possibility that the moon is made of cheese.

Jackie and Marquel GET IN A PLANE! Marquel is super boring and we’re forced to watch him stumble through another awkward and pointless date. Jackie and Marquel fly to Mexico. THEY WERE JUST IN MEXICO! SAVE THE FUEL, ABC!

Back at the bungalow, Michelle Money tries to convince Graham to break up with AshLee. Graham is having second thoughts about AShlee. It’s the most dramatic thing that has ever happened.

AsHlEE finally gets a date card. I hate her voice more than I’ve hated most things, and I’ve hated things. AsHLEE asks Graham to go on a date and he agrees. Don’t you people have jobs? Why are you reading this? You could be volunteering or eating a bucket of chicken or learning magic. Go do anything else!

Marcus and Lacy swim. Keep up.

Danielle cries about getting tossed aside by moon-walking Marquel. She talks to AshLEE, which has to be terrible because that involves ASHlee talking.

Jackie and Marquel explore Mayan ruins. The Mayans used to sacrifice people to their Sun God. They’d march you up some temple steps and just lop your head off and let it roll down the temple stairs. This is the perfect place for a romantic 1-on-1 date for two young lovers. We watch more carnage as Marquel talks for a good two minutes about how he doesn’t kiss girls on the first date in an attempt to work up the courage to kiss Jackie. It’s awkward. I’d rather watch heads get cut off.

Big Angry Chris is in the hospital because he has torn knee ligaments. Elise gets him ice and then brags to the camera about how much a caretaker she is. I’m sure she walked really far to get the ice and didn’t just have it handed to her by Bachelor interns. As she cares for Big Angry Chris, Elise says that it’s great to be in a real-life situation with Chris. They’re in a tropical paradise with absolutely no concerns for money, food, alcohol or jobs. It’s super real life. Elise says that she’s going to spend the rest of her life with Big Angry Chris. I know I’m cynical, but there is no way that they don’t spend eternity together. It’s totally going to happen.

Clare sits on the beach with Zach and talks about her dead dad. It’s the anniversary of her dad dying. She cries about it. Clare’s dad died. She thanks Zach for not running away when she talked about her dead dad and thanks him for … I’m not sure. Clare is super thankful for Zach’s comfort. It’s comforty. A giant turtle walks up and lays his eggs and Clare says that it’s her dead dad. I’d like to tell you I’m making that up. Clare’s dead dad is a turtle who strolls up to the beach where his daughter is spooning with a hot guy so he can lay his ‘Clare’s Dad’ eggs. With her sea turtle dad close at hand, Clare and Zach make out.

aShLee has her date with Graham. There’s quite a troop of annoying people on this beach and AShlEe is their leader. She talks about how she follows Graham on Instagram. It’s creepy. Graham is on Instagram? Shouldn’t it be InstaGraham? Get it????? GET IT????? You guys are jerks.

The dinner date happens. We watch it. It’s as terrible as you think it might be. Graham tries to put the brakes on their relationship by saying they should take things slow. Ashlee doesn’t take the hint. They get a sex invitation from Chris Harrison because Chris Harrison is a big ole pimp. Instead of jumping straight to bed to have sex, we’re forced to watch 4 minutes of white people dancing. Then, they make out.

Graham refuses the sex invitation because he’s a gentleman. Or, he doesn’t really like AShLeE that much. This show is a lot like an abstract painting. It’s up to you to tell me how the painting makes you feel.

The Rose Ceremony is coming up soon. The guys are in charge of handing out pink slips, and roses. Two girls will be going home. It’s super tense. Sarah is still mopey about Robert. Michelle Money also wants Robert’s rose. I have no idea what is going to happen. I watch with my fingers in front of my eyes because I can’t take it. I simply cannot take it.

Robert has to choose. There is no way that ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ producers aren’t telling him to choose Michelle Money because she’s so much more interesting than Sarah. I’ll be shocked if they let him choose Sarah. Did you hear me? Shocked! (Foreshadowing)

Meanwhile, Danielle is trying to win back No Game Marquel from Jackie. She says that she likes Marquel and she enjoyed their date. No Game says, “Just to confirm, you had a good time?” That’s something a guy doesn’t say. When he’s done talking with Danielle, he says, “Good talk.” Again, who talks like this? Jackie also tries to woo Marquel. It’s wooey. Marquel is wearing a black tie over a short-sleeve Hawaiian shirt. It’s a new look that I hope no one else ever tries.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Graham hangs on to AShLee. Zach holds on to Clare, for some reason. Marcus is still latched with Lacy and her eye make-up. Marquel shocks the world by taking Jackie over Danielle. It’s shocking. Admit it, you guys. You were shocked. Poor Danielle. She didn’t even get to use the Mexican shower.

Robert’s rose is the grand finale. For the second time, the world is rocked to its core when Robert chooses Sarah! What the hell were the producers thinking?? At least Sarah will be less whiney for a couple of minutes. Michelle Money openly cries because she doesn’t find love again. I kind of really dislike Michelle Money, so I quickly get over it.

As an afterthought, Big Angry Chris calls Elise up to the front and makes a very public display of not giving Elise a rose. It’s dramatic times three!!!! Chris instead offers Elise an invitation to go home with him to rehab his knee. Elise says she prayed this would happen. Can you pray with 78% of your boobs showing on National TV? That works? I went to the wrong Catholic School.

Big Angry Chris gives his rose to Michelle Money because producers made him do it. Maybe he’s not so big and angry! Michelle Money cries and takes the rose so she can further abandon her 9 and a half-year old son to try and fall in love with vapid and self-obsessed men. I cry a little at home.

Big Angry Chris and Elise limp into their jeep and get driven off to the real world to explore true love. It’s a lot like Keri Strug’s 1996 broken leg Gold Medal performance. Sports quote filled. See, you guys? I didn’t think I’d find a sports quota in this mess, but I took off my shirt and prayed, and it happened! Boom! Up there, Lord!

A long time ago, my ancestors wronged the ancestors of the people of ABC. To get even, they’re giving us two episodes of ‘Bachelor in Paradise on Monday and Tuesday. There will be an ambulance. With any luck, I’ll be in it.